MicroblogMondays: Surprising Decision

Microblog_Mondays

I was going to write about something light, like how I chopped off six inches of my hair, or Bob’s birthday week fun activities.  But yeah, the agony that I had last week over choosing the next step occupied my mind so much that I have to write about it.

So much went through my head last week.  It was debilitating to not be able to have peace with decision making.  It simply stressed me out so much that my shoulders took the brunt of it.  I constantly felt my shoulders rising up to my ears.  I hadn’t felt so stressed out since we last had to choose a donor.  I think the information that I received from Dr. E and gathering data on cost was just too overwhelming for me.  I was basically on an overthinking overdrive.

What was going on in my mind?  Well, I was weighing the different options of working with my own clinic, working with Dr. E., going to a clinic in San Diego, or going to a clinic in Oregon.  In regards to the cost, it is still the most reasonable to go with my own clinic.  Although the sperm test is extra expensive, the cost of the ERA testing with biopsies on both day four and day five is going to be less expensive than doing one biopsy with Dr. E.  Being a boutique clinic, her fees (except for the sperm test) are higher across the board in comparison to my current clinic.  Cycling with her for a DE cycle is more expensive than at my current clinic.  Since she is an independent doctor not affiliated with any clinics, there is no SART data to support her success rate.  The success rate of my own clinic is similar to those two clinics in Oregon and San Diego.  Then why do I have to spend extra time and money to become a patient at these other clinics?

Why do I have to decide which clinic to go to rather than doing all the testing first?  Well, for the ERA test to assess the receptivity of my lining, the test results will only be relevant when the test transfer protocol for the biopsy is the same as that of the real embryo transfer.  I already know what protocol Dr. NN will put me on and I know that this particular medicated transfer protocol can grow my lining well.  If I go to Dr. E, she may use a different protocol. And if I have her do the ERA testing but don’t go to her for my DE cycle, my real transfer protocol may be different and the ERA testing results would be rendered useless.

My nurse’s calendar for me showed that the biopsies will be done in end of March, which is great timing.  If I wait to make a decision about going to Dr. E, other clinics, or back to my own clinic, then we may have to wait another month to do the ERA test.  That cuts very close to our Maui trip end of April.  If we don’t do it in April, then we do it in end of May.  I would like to get something going with the new DE cycle some time in June, right before my in-laws come in mid-June.

There were some other things that made me uncomfortable about working with Dr. E, which is surprising to myself.  I had never felt uncomfortable with or intimidated by Dr. E when I worked with her in the past.  However, the way she answered my questions this time just made it overwhelming and intimidating to me.  She insisted on seeing my uterus even though I sent her reports and images of my hysteroscopy and my most recent saline sonogram done only two months ago.  The scan clearly showed that my uterine cavity is clear.  She said she wanted to look at it with her own eyes with a simple pelvic scan.  Remember she mentioned about adenomyosis?  My dear friend in this field told me that adenomyosis is usually confirmed only through a pathological report, often after a hysterectomy.  You really can’t see adenomyosis from a pelvic scan because it is in the myometrium, or the middle layer, of the uterus.  She did say that from the pictures of my scans, it did look extremely reassuring, but she would still want to take a look.  I just don’t know what else she could look at.  Doing a scan with her is not cheap.  I pay out of pocket.  So yeah, I don’t know why but I felt very intimidated.  I also felt that one test to check on my receptivity is enough, and two (both the ERA test and the beta-3 integrin test) might be an overkill.

Something else about her also made me feel uncomfortable.  I am interested in a proven donor who worked with another Bay Area doctor and Dr. E for her first two DE cycles.  The first cycle she had 26 eggs.  The second cycle with Dr. E (which is such a coincidence that she had worked with this doctor) yielded 55 eggs.  I don’t know about you but I feel extremely uncomfortable that Dr. E overstimulated this donor so much.  The end results of both cycles were similar: 7 blastocysts and 8 blastocysts respectively, with a successful pregnancy for both.  This piece of information about Dr. E just complicated my feelings.

I emailed my nurse to see if I could do one biopsy instead of two, as well as if Dr. No Nonsense recommends the beta-3 integrin test.  The answer is yes, I can do just one biopsy, but they recommend doing both days 4 and 5 so we could save time.  Dr. NN said that I could do the beta-3 integrin test but he thinks that the ERA test is superior over the other test and he does not recommend it to any of his patients anymore.

My husband got mad at me because of this whole thing.  I had been trying to gather all the information about various tests from the different doctors, nurses, and financial people.  I didn’t want to present this whole thing to him in bits and pieces.  Since I was still trying to wrap my mind around this whole thing, I was waiting for a good chance to talk to him.  Given our busy schedule last Monday and Tuesday, we didn’t get a chance to talk.  When he came home on Tuesday, he saw that I was chatting with a friend online about it.  Wednesday morning, instead of a usual happy man coming home from fitness bootcamp, he came home unhappy.  He felt left out that I asked everyone else for their opinion but him.  I was at first very upset that he didn’t understand why I waited to talk to him.  However, I put myself in his shoes and thought about my behaviors and actions in the previous few days, I started to understand why he felt the way he felt.  So instead of my original plan of going to work early, I took out my little chart that I had drawn for myself to make sense of this whole thing and used 15 minutes to explain to him what had been bugging me.  I am glad that my life partner does not hold grudges in silence but instead voices his frustrations and concerns with me.  I am grateful that we had a chance to smooth things out.

My trusted therapist helped too.  That same evening I had a session with her.  In that session, I learned that I was back to being cerebral with my decision making.  I was over thinking, which drove me to a point where I couldn’t make decisions.  I was afraid of regrets.  She listened to all of my dilemma and asked me deep down what I believed in.  I told her that deep down, I believe that I have a uterus that is good, I will get pregnant with a good embryo, and I will become a mother.  She told me that whatever decision that we make will be the best decision for our path.  She would like me to consider making a decision that stresses me out the least.

That same evening, Bob and I talked about this whole thing at home.  He asked me if I had made a decision about which doctor/clinic to go with.  I have learned to listen to his opinion.  I asked him to tell me first which doctor he would like to work with.  He thought for a few seconds, and told me that he would still like to work with Dr. NN.  I am so glad I asked him because that was my answer too.  I just feel that it is the simplest right now for me and Bob to not worry about starting all over with another clinic again.  Going with Dr. NN again really gives me the peace that I didn’t have in the past week.  What a relief that Bob and I are on the same page.

So yeah, after a lot of prayers for clarity and peace, I will start Lup.ron next week in preparation for two biopsies at the end of March.  I am finally at peace with this decision.  I cherish this sense of peace so much especially after feeling so paralyzed by the inability to decide.  I based my decision on my emotional responses to these doctors.  Sometimes that’s just what we have to go with.

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MicroblogMondays: 7DP5DT, AKA Half Way Done

Microblog_Mondays

Life is good, although I am in the middle of an extra long, longer-than-two-week two week wait.

Ever since Lucy came home, I have been feeling happy, calm, at peace, and ridiculously optimistic.  It’s not that I have any psychic ability to know that I am pregnant.  It’s just that I have decided to live these two weeks with an expectation of being pregnant and staying pregnant.  I am determined to keep this attitude all the way until beta day.  I choose to believe in God’s power to make the impossible possible.  Plus, there is a good chance that I could be pregnant, so why not stick with this attitude for now until we see the results?  I am very thankful that God answers my prayers by keeping me so calm and at peace.

I chat with Lucy daily.  I wake up in the morning praying.  Then I put my hands on my tummy forming a heart shape with my fingers.  I talk to Lucy about where it should be, hatching, finding a site to attach, start to implant, and now just basically to grow and grow and divide, and grow some more.  We are a team of two, traveling together, doing everything together.  Whenever there is a new experience, I share with Lucy about it.  You would hear me mumble sentences like, “This is your first yoga class”, or “Oh this is your first time meeting Auntie Q”.  When we went grocery shopping over the weekend, I was walking to another produce store by myself while Bob went to the car, mumbling this to Lucy, “We come here a lot although it’s 15 minutes away from home because you just park the car and walk to Tra.der Joe’s, produce market, drugstore, the bank… When you are born, we’ll wear you on us or we’ll put you in a stroller, but we will come back here all the time.”  During the Sunday sermon, I wrote in my notebook, “Lucy’s first sermon”.  I am loving this period of time of visualizing this little embryo having a chance at life.  You know how they say that distractions are the best during the two-week wait.  I am doing the exact opposite.  I am constantly and deliberately including Lucy in my daily activities.  I am glad that this approach has been working out for me so far.

This attitude spills over to Bob who is also ultra positive this time.  He has definitely been affected by my attitude.  Bob goes to bed placing his hand on my tummy, saying good night to Lucy.  In the morning, he does the same thing.  When I leave for work, we have group hugs for our little family of three.  He sends me G.chat messages and asks “How’s Lucy?”  This has created a very nice and positive environment for Lucy to grow and grow.  I am assuming that it’s growing and growing.

Physically I am not feeling much.  And I know I am  not supposed to feel much.  I went to see my acupuncturist on Friday.  She commented on my pulse, saying that it was nice and strong.  She mentioned that the kidney energy and the earth energy were both strong.  And those are the energies that are important to fertility.  On Sunday, I felt this tugging sensation on my lower abdomen repeatedly all morning and on and off the rest of the day.  I usually don’t attribute any physical sensation to a pregnancy, but I am taking a different approach this time.  I am assuming that this pulsating and tugging sensation has to do with the hormones from a pregnancy.  Whether or not it’s true, I don’t know.  But I am going to keep a uniform line of thinking here for the rest of the wait.

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked Bob about us having a baby for the first time since we got married.  Honestly, I was surprised that it took her so long to ask.  She told Bob that it’d be too late if we waited because we are getting old.  I wasn’t actually offended by her.  I am glad that she cares and actually wants a grand child.  Yesterday during their Sky.pe session, she once again asked for a baby and said something that really blew my mind.  She said that the stars are aligning for Bob and something good in terms of fertility would happen to us in September or October.  My mother-in-law studies astrology.  You know me, as a Christian, I don’t believe in fortune telling, psychic, or anything that predicts the future.  It makes me extra uncomfortable.  If she is right, then it is just going to be a beautiful coincidence that will change our lives forever.  I sure hope that this coincidence will happen and we have one more good story to tell in our lives.

Sometimes I do get this anxious feeling.  But I’d say it happens about 5% of the time.  Majority of the time I am full of happiness and gratitude.  A friend from bible study studied my face and said that I have a lightness that she hasn’t seen since my journey started.  I am glad it shows, and it means that I am not forcing it.  I know that there is a possibility that this doesn’t work.  I know that I will be able to sort through the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation.  I am just determined not to live it twice if I don’t have to.

Seven more days to go.  I can’t wait to see a fantastic beta number!

Welcoming Lucy Home

Praise the Lord that today was a great day.  🙂

I woke up to my Fac.ebook friends showing pictures of themselves and their children all wearing red and hearts on their nails, socks, shirts, pants, and even underpants!  The love was overflowing with all these pictures and notifications on my page.  I am just so grateful for them.  The happiness continued for the rest of the morning.  The possibility of Lucy failing the thaw crossed my mind a couple of times.  But majority of the time my thoughts were calm and happy.  After breakfast, I made bone broth and dinner for tonight, cleaned the kitchen, cut my pineapple, wiped the floor, did bible study, and even did yoga!  I finished all of this before noon!  It was such a productive morning and a great way to help myself focus on other things.

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Look at my bone broth and Thai curry cooking.

I took my Val.ium at 2pm and emptied my bladder at that time before I started filling it again.  I saw Dr. Dry Humor going in and out of transfer rooms.  I then remembered that my nurse and I never confirmed Dr. No Nonsense doing my transfer.  However, I was feeling at peace with whoever it would be to do my transfer.  It’d be great if my RE did it, but if not, Dr. Dry Humor would be equally good.

My trusted acupuncturist was on time and pleasant.  She took such a good care of me with the pre-transfer session, laying blankets on me and making sure that I was comfortable.  My pulse felt great and strong to her, and I didn’t feel anxious at all.  As long as I didn’t get a phone call prior to the transfer from the clinic, I knew that Lucy must have thawed well.  She said that my pulse showed that I was calm and happy.  Unlike last time, the transfer room was silent without any light jazz.  I was lying there, being still and all by myself with the dimmed lights.  Only me and God.  Well, and also the embryology lab separated by a door.  They are a happy bunch.  I could hear so much laughters coming from that closed door.  Anyhow, God and I had a conversation.  I was talking to Him about how happy I was that we got to that point, with gratitude for my peace and strength.  I drifted in and out of consciousness, listening to the people next doors, and talking with God.  My acupuncturist came in a couple of times to adjust the needles for me.

Transfer time came.  Bob and I sat and waited, both at peace and happy.  He was still sporting his Batman shirt but I had on my ridiculously pink heart socks, and I didn’t care!  I was proud of them.

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Even Dr. Dry Humor was commenting on how cute they were. Haha.  Oh yeah, so no Dr. No Nonsense, but I wasn’t disappointed at all.  Was just going with the flow.  Lying there, I felt at peace.  Dr. Dry Humor was very different from Dr. Scrubs last time.  She explained everything.  But he didn’t.  He did tell me that he was cleaning the mucous away.  The nurse’s ultrasound probe was on my bladder.  It was then that I knew that I did drink enough water.

Here is Lucy the embryo:

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In Dr. Dry Humor’s words, “It’s looking good!”  We told him that the embryo was called Lucy.  When he was done cleaning my mucous, the green light came on above the door that led to the embryology lab.  On the overhead screen, my name showed up on an enlarged petri dish.  Lucy showed up on the screen:

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Then the screen was zooming out.  A catheter came into the picture and sucked Lucy into it.  Moments later, the embryologist came in and handed Dr. Dry Humor the catheter.

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Lucy was placed inside my uterus.  She is safely home.  I was very relieved and pleased that the procedure went so well.

After it was done, we waited for a few moments before the green light above the door went off.  Dr. Dry Humor congratulated us.  He placed both his hands on my legs and said he hoped that we didn’t have to name any more embryos with a name that starts with “M”.  I thanked him for his thought.

Lying there for my post-transfer acupuncture session, I was full of gratitude.  I spoke with Lucy about how about we love it.  How much we want it to join us in about 38 weeks.  I visualized a baby that was just born and was placed on my chest on the first time, all gooey and needing some cleaning.  But I didn’t care.  I just held on to him/her.  This was what I was thinking lying there in the dark.  I also prayed to God that I would raise this child to love Him.  It was a sweet, private, precious time that I got to spend with God and Lucy.

Bob and I celebrated by going to our favorite coffee shop.  He got his coffee and I got a hot chocolate.  I still went to my bible study tonight.  The most touching thing was when I walked into my room and saw all the ladies that I lead, they told me they wanted to pray for me. So they surrounded me, laid their hands on me, and prayed for God’s will for Lucy and for me and Bob.  I just felt so loved by people surrounding me.

So here we are.  Day one of our Lucy being home.  I hope that she stays there for the next 38 or 39 or so weeks.  May God’s will be done.

2013

What a year we’ve had.

I can dare say this has been the toughest year of my life, but it’s also the year that I see the most blessings upon me.  Is that even possible?

Looking back at my life, I’ve often felt lucky that things often go quite smoothly for me.  I got good grades at school.  I have a career doing what I love to do.  I met my hubby a little late in my life but we really have a good life together despite his parents’ opposition of our marriage.  My parents are the best parents one could hope for.  I am healthy.  We have a remodeled house that we love.  The biggest obstacle that I had was a very mean supervisor at my internship who gave me the only B grade in my graduate school career for my performance that was worth nine units out of the 12 total units for that semester.  I cried practically everyday going into work being so very miserable.  But I knew that once the three-month internship was over, I could pick up the pieces and regain my confidence.  

So I am so very lucky that things are smooth in my life.  I may not be the prettiest.  I may not be wealthy.  I may not be the most popular.  But I have friends and family who love me.  I have a stable job and a loving husband.  I have Jesus who loves me so.  I can’t really complain about my life.

Until this year.  It. Was. So. Very. Tough.

A year ago we attended a couple of IVF seminars and was trying to make decisions in regards to which clinic we should go with.  My heart was always so heavy as I was grieving the loss of natural conception.  Now that has passed.  My focus then was on trying to get pregnant regardless of the means.  I knew that having the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve is tough, but I often hoped that I would be one of those few people who would get lucky with getting pregnant on the first try.

IVF #1 came and passed.  The roller coaster ride was nothing that we had ever imagined.  Our little Clay is still hanging out in the freezer waiting to be thawed.

IVF #2 was such a bust.  Four eggs and nothing made it in the end.  Couldn’t transfer Clay due to a fibroid that could be in the uterine cavity.

IVF #3 yielded one follicle.  The IUI that converted from it added to our tally of BFNs.

IVF #4 is currently on hold, waiting for the cyst to disappear.

After a whole year, no baby in sight.  No BFP ever.  No two pink lines.  No pregnancy symptoms.  Not even a chance to transfer one embryo.

It was the beginning of the year that I became a Bible study leader for the study of Genesis.  That was around the time we had decided to go full force into our IVF cycle.  God always has the best timing.  The study of Genesis had helped me tremendously during that time.  Being a Bible study leader means I have to study each chapter in depth.  Studying about Abraham, Sarah, Rachel, Jacob, Joseph, and all the other characters in Genesis put things in perspective for me.  They all had setbacks.  But God always came through, though not immediately, but always in the end.  They were granted promises and held onto the hope.  That somehow gave me tremendous comfort.  If I didn’t say yes to becoming a leader, I wouldn’t have had the blessings that He bestowed upon me.  Being a study leader also helps me focus on others and praying for others rather than focusing on my own life.  I have also gained a whole group of Bible study leaders who have been praying for our success in bringing home a baby.

When you give up something (your time, energy, etc) for God, God rewards you with more.

Now that we’re studying Matthew, I can truly see Jesus’ healing power.  The woman who bled for twelve years was healed.  The blind man who had not been able to see since birth regained his vision.  The lame picked up his mat and walked.  Their faith in Christ helped them achieve the impossible.  Studying about them and Jesus helps me reflect on my own faith and how my faith can bring about the healing that only Jesus Christ can grant.

That is such a blessing that I will not trade for anything else.

Throughout this year, I experienced quite an emotional roller coaster, not only in regards to the ups and downs of my cycles, but also because of those who got pregnant around me.  I was bitter, jealous, and petty.  I was depressed, disappointed, and crushed.  I had the why-me mentality and was at one point mad at God for allowing this to happen to us.  It was not a good place to be.  I know many of you can relate to these feelings as waiting to be a mother and struggling to get pregnant can sometimes do evil things to your mind and heart.  I could not talk to people who are pregnant.  I could not stand pregnancy announcements.  I hid posts on my newsfeed.  I walked away from pregnant ladies or mothers and father with babies in grocery stores or shopping malls.  This is not unusual or unfamiliar to some of you as you went through or are going through the same.  Honestly I didn’t like who I had become.  I started to pray regularly about six months ago for joy, peace, strength, and kindness/goodness that can only come from God.  And once again, God has shown me His blessings as my heart and mind slowly become at peace with my circumstances and I began to feel happy for certain people in my life and celebrate their successes.  I have accepted that this is the path we have been placed and there is a reason for it.  It has not been easy to come to this place but I hope I don’t lose sight of God’s blessings to place me there.

And then there are my two groups of Face.book secret group friends.  They are truly great friends who stand by me during the darkest times, who are there real time writing me messages while I sit in my RE’s clinic waiting for an ultrasound, who check in with me regularly to see how I am doing, and who are so good at cheering me up when times are dark.  And then there is this blog that I started seven months ago.  Thanks to all of you who comment and support and validate my feelings.  Because of you, I don’t feel that I am in this all alone.

And then there is my husband.  Because of all of the struggles that we experienced together, I see the other side of him.  The side that shows strength and resolve at times of crises and challenges.  I am sorry that we have to go through fertility challenges together.  I wish that we didn’t have to.  But if this is our path, I am honored that God has engineered for Bob to be the one who walks through these valleys with me.  

I am really hoping for good things for 2014.  I commented on Maddie’s blog that I dare dream for her to be pregnant and for me to have my take home baby by next Christmas.  If it’s okay to dream, I want to dream big.  Good that I have her to count on me to have that take home baby.  🙂  I wish you all the best and thank you so much for the care, love, and hugs that you have given me and Bob in the past year.  May 2014 be the year that brings joy, peace, blessings and good news to you and me.

Almost Two Years Later… and 9 DPIUI

Here we are more than half way through our two week wait.  I have to say that I’m doing great emotionally.

My temperature has been up, which is not unexpected since we’re just 9 days past IUI.  Plus I have been supplementing with one Endometrin capsule per day so I would expect that to have some effect on my basal body temperature.  I’m not even sure why I am taking my BBT.  What is the point if progesterone supplement will keep it high?  I don’t really know.  I just find myself sticking the thermometer in my mouth at 5:30am daily.

Emotionally, I have been feeling quite normal.  I am not anxious about the outcome since 1) we don’t have control over what is going on and 2) I don’t really expect the IUI to work.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am still not-so-secretly hoping that this is our lucky cycle.  At the same time, the odds are definitely not on our side, despite my husband’s surprisingly abundant swimmers.  We really need my egg to be good.  If my eggs have not been good in the last two years including our IVF cycles, why would I expect anything differently for this cycle?  But there IS still hope because in God nothing is impossible.

Speaking of the timeline, it has almost been two years since we started trying to conceive.  I still remember our wedding night in April 2011 how we naively used protection thinking that we would wait until at least April 2012 to start trying.  Little did we know that a major surgery was on the horizon which pushed TTC to start early in January 2012.  Fast forward to the current time.  As we’re approaching January 2014, I am amazed at how my mentality and the condition of my heart have changed.  A year and a half ago, I got the news from my OB/GYN that my FSH and AMH pointed to diminished ovarian reserve and how IVF would be the right thing to do.  I came home crying to Bob and thinking to myself that I would prove him wrong.  We started to embark on the journey of alternative medicine and Chinese herbs.  About a year ago, we finally admitted that natural conception would most likely not be our means of getting pregnant.  We anxiously began to research on various IVF clinics in the area and began to attend IVF seminars.  At that time, I was grieving the loss of getting pregnant naturally, battling the jealousy and bitterness that I felt, and trying very hard to understand every single aspect of my diagnosis and the best course of treatment for us.  I did not have peace.  I was anxious and lost.  Diminished ovarian reserve is a killer diagnosis.  It sounds so so grim and so hopeless even with advance treatment such as IVF with ICSI.  I was so afraid of being one of those poor responders that I read about online.  I read so many blogs and forum posts and find so few success stories.  I felt so sorry for myself that my abysmal antral follicle count would mean not having any embryos to freeze in the end.  I was also jealous of people who have many follicles and many embryos, despite the fact that they also suffer from this beast of infertility.

Despite our fear and continued grief, we moved full force with IVF #1, which resulted in a roller coaster ride and a frozen embryo.  Second IVF with four eggs but nothing to transfer.  Third IVF that resulted in only one follicle which leads us to our current situation: post IUI and waiting for the verdict in a few days.  I think normally one would be discouraged by the seemingly frequent failures on our part to even make an embryo to transfer, let alone getting pregnant with the embryos.  I was blissfully ignorant during our first cycle about the chances of having fertilized eggs.  I thought that we would have at least two if not three embryos to transfer on day three.  I was a nervous wreck during our second IVF hoping to have one more embryo than the previous time.  Unfortunately our embryos didn’t grow beyond day three.  Ever since then I have been praying for total submission and trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for us and for all that we have experienced.  I have been praying for peace of God that transcends all understanding and for God to guard my heart and my minds in Christ Jesus (from Philippians 4:7).

I can tell that the peace that I have experienced in the last month has been amazing.  I not only feel peace about our situation regardless of the outcome, this peace also spills over to other areas of my life.  I have been celebrating friends’ pregnancies and feel truly happy for them.  An online friend of mine who had been trying for over two years did her second IVF, transferred three blastocysts, and just confirmed that she has two beans inside her.  I normally would feel sorry for myself that someone who is my age could get so many blastocysts out of one cycle while I struggled to hold onto one embryo.  Somehow, I am very very happy for her and do not have an ounce of jealousy in my heart.  I have been praying daily for another lady in my Bible study group who is my age and about 20 weeks pregnant.  I also do not have any jealous or bitterness towards her.  I can even tolerate online chats with my infertile pregnant friend without getting too annoyed or offended.  I realized that when I am weak and can’t achieve something such as peace and calm on my own, God is THE source of strength and comfort.  He has been showing me His power and might in transforming my heart.  Really, I cannot do it on my own and I am glad that God chooses to answer my prayers so quickly.

I somehow know that we are going to try for a baby for a long time.  Twenty-four months (and more than 24 cycles) is a very long time to try to get pregnant.  As we approach our second anniversary of TTC, I hope and pray that I will continue to keep this peace as I believe that God definitely has a good plan for us.  I also pray that my husband will experience this peace as well.  Poor guy.  He has not been in a good place emotionally in regards to others’ birth news, pregnancy news, and even IVF news (number of embryos, follicles, etc).  Whenever I tell him about so-and-so’s journey or show him newborn baby pictures, he has an adverse reaction to it.  I do not judge him as I used to have the same response.  I just hope that God’s peace will also come to him so we can both go through this journey together in peace that comes from the One high above.

I am not saying that I will not ever feel sad or jealous again.  I may even cry my eyes out this coming week if we find out that our IUI is a bust.  A normal dose of negative emotions is healthy.  But I so welcome this change in my heart knowing that God is compassionate about our sufferings and will give us the strength to persevere.

Oh and for this IUI?  I am still undecided about testing.  I most likely will test Thursday night to determine if we should get a blood test done on Friday.  I’ve got to find out when/if to stop the progesterone, right?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is 10 days past ovulation.  Since I am not doing any suppression, I will go see Dr. E in the morning for an ultrasound to check my resting follicles.  If I have learned anything from my first IVF, I would not have any expectation going in tomorrow.  My first IVF taught me that anything could happen.  Things can change from very good to very bad or vice versa in a matter of a day.  So far I am doing well mentally and emotionally.  I hope I’ll be going in with a calm attitude about it and see if we have enough resting follicles to proceed with IVF #2.  I am thankful that God is keeping me at peace with the upcoming cycle.  Please pray that I’ll continue to have peace and it will be a good visit with Dr. E tomorrow.  Thanks!