MicroblogMondays: No Longer Jealous

Three years ago, I wrote this very complicated story of how my brother’s ex-girlfriend got back into my life.  With our history, I was worried that my professional time with her would be very unpleasant.  Everything turned out to be fine and she is a delightful human being professionally.  I am talking about her now because today’s blog post has something to do with her ex-husband.  He was my brother’s best friend when she cheated on my brother by being with him.  (My brother is still friends with the both of them.  Bless his heart.) . Their 10-year-marriage did not result in any children.  She remarried and gave birth to her daughter at 42.  He was single for quite a few years.  Last month, he got married again at the age of 48.  His new wife can’t be more than 30 years old.  This is why I wasn’t too surprised when I saw a pregnancy announcement on FB from his wife yesterday.  She included pictures of the two of them, the Valentine’s gifts that he lavished on her (such as flowers and an expensive purse), and an ultrasound photo with words on it that said “It’s a girl!”.  My first thought was, good for them that his older sperm didn’t stop her from getting pregnant.  Then my second thought was, most 30 year olds would be quite fertile so getting pregnant easily wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.  Next I was thinking, maybe they struggled to get pregnant for quite some time and decided to get married once they finally got pregnant?  You can’t make assumptions about people’s story by just looking at one FB post.  Subsequently, I laughed at myself for my internal dialogue with myself and then realized that I did not have a single ounce of jealousy in me about this pregnancy announcement.  The ultrasound photo did not bother me.  Thinking back in the last year and a half, I remember how I have been feeling less and less jealous or envious of expectant moms, pregnancy bumps, ultrasound photos, or pregnancy announcements.  Random pregnant ladies and little newborns don’t have an effect on me anymore.  I feel genuinely happy for expectant parents regardless of how easy or hard it was for them to get pregnant.  I really love this change in me, and it shows me that my life with my twins has made it possible for me to focus on them rather than focusing on others.  They are more than enough for me and I don’t need to feel envious of those who can make babies easily or can carry their own babies in their bellies.  I do know that not everyone feels this way even after their infertility has been resolved.  This is just a little interesting observation about myself.   I welcome this change as it has come about naturally and was not forced.  I didn’t have to work at feeing a certain way.  It doesn’t mean that I have forgotten my past.  It is just that my emotions don’t have to stay there while my life is moving forward.  I know some people who struggled to have babies still have these intense feelings about others’ pregnancies even after they have had their babies.  Different people can feel so differently.  It is good to know that it is possible to eventually lose the feeling of envy and jealousy.  And it seems like I have somehow reached this point.


MicroblogMondays: Announcement

After our normal and uneventful anatomy scan on Thursday, Bob and I felt safe to announce our pregnancy the next day.  I had thought out the wording quite a while ago.  I wanted it to be simple but also to the point.  The first decision was that ultrasound or bump photographs were never going to be part of the plan as I myself would not have wanted the trigger either.  I am not going to lie.  I was a little nervous Friday morning.  Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no turning back.  But with the normal development of the babies and healthy surrogate, we have more confidence that the twins are going to join us in September.  So bright and early Friday morning, I posted the following:

“After years of waiting, prayers, and heartaches, Bob and I are so blessed to announce that we are expecting twins via the wonderful and selfless gift of surrogacy.  Baby A [Last Name] and Baby B [Last Name] are due to be born in September. I do not get to carry them, but my heart is full.  Bob and I are very excited and cannot wait to meet them face-to-face.”

With this picture:

Another less formal, even simpler announcement was sent to everyone at work (about 35 people): “I would like to share some wonderful news with you.  My husband and I are excited to let you all know that a surrogate is carrying twins for us, and they are due to be born in September.  I thought I would share the joy with you all, my work family. “

The response has been overwhelming.

My Fac.ebook post exploded.  Everyone has been so happy for us.  The love that everyone shows us has been overwhelming.  Some of them commented and said that the announcement made them tear up, which was super heartwarming.  After I posted, my oldest cousin in Asia made a screenshot of my announcement and posted on our family group on Whatsapp so every single one of my relatives in Asia knows as well.  She saves me the trouble of telling everyone myself.

At work people came by to say congratulations and gave me hugs.  People’s reaction was that Wow you’ll have your babies very soon, because September is right around the corner.   We have known about it since January so we have had a lot of time to process it.   To them, it’s such a brand new thing that they feel that I don’t have a lot of time. It’s all perspective, yeah?

There was one particular coworker with whom I considered sharing the news prior to the announcement but there wasn’t a good time to do it.  So when she saw me in the morning, she asked me “What’s up?”  From the look of her face, I knew that she hadn’t read the FB announcement or the work email.  So I said, “Ahh, you haven’t read my announcement.”  She looked very alarmed and was probably thinking that I was going to quit this job or something.  When I told her, she burst into tears and gave me a bear hug.  She just couldn’t stop crying.  It was two minutes prior to my next client so I told her to stop, otherwise I’d cry too!  I totally shocked her and caught her off guard as I know she didn’t expect something like this in a million years.   An hour later, I went to apologize for shocking her.  My boss happened to be in her office.  I’d imagine my boss to be the person that was the happiest on that day because she didn’t have to keep a secret any longer!  She had learned about the pregnancy at 12 weeks and had been so good at keeping it to herself for the next 8 weeks.  She in fact also burst into tears herself and was so happy for us.  Anyways, so my coworker whom I shocked kept on asking questions while crying a second time for us.  She told me how much we deserved to be parents.  I said I couldn’t wait until I see what the babies look like.  Then this coworker started asking if it was my egg.  I don’t think she meant any harm or anything. When people hear the word “surrogacy”, they are little bit confused of what it all means.  I thought about writing gestational surrogacy on my FB announcement but decided against it because I wanted to make it even simpler.  Plus, I don’t owe anyone any explanations.  So somehow, with my boss and my coworker there, I decided to tell the truth.  For other people, I’d usually say something like, our surrogate is just carrying for us, and it is our embryo.  But with the way she asked the question, I had to answer that it wasn’t my eggs but our donor’s.  It was a quick decision, but one that I don’t regret.  My honesty didn’t faze them.  But I told them two times to keep it to themselves and explained that I would tell the twins early on about it but I want me and Bob to the ones disclosing this to them, not anyone else.  They swore that they wouldn’t tell and that it was a personal thing.  Later on, I told Bob, and he supported my decision to tell them.  He was happy that I was able to be honest about it.

That evening happened to be a huge event for my work’s anniversary.  I didn’t plan the announcement so that I could tell many people, but the timing just worked out.  So at the event, I saw many former coworkers and I was able to share with them one by one.  It was just so touching to receive such warm and joyful responses from everybody.  There is a certain vulnerability in sharing with the world as it points to our struggles in the last few years.  But the reward is also big.

The most surprising revelation was my best friend from my 20s.  We used to hang out all the time, meaning every single weekend, for years.  Her then boyfriend was best friend with my then boyfriend.  After we were no longer dating our boyfriends, she and my ex-boyfriend started dating, and that put a strain in our relationship.  After they got married, we grew apart.  I knew that she didn’t have children until I saw her pictures with a little girl this year.  She wrote me some private messages after she saw my announcement, telling me that she was very happy for us, and that it was the greatest news in her 2017.  We exchanged a few messages.  She said that she understood how I felt as she went through infertility for 13 years, having miscarriages and having suffered from many treatments that didn’t work.  I didn’t ask if she finally gave birth to her baby or if she adopted.  I said that I was sorry for what she had gone through, because it is truly a lonely journey if not for the support of people around us.  She told me that she wasn’t as lucky to have support from peers, but God is full of grace as He carried her through all those years.  I just feel for many of the people that I know who are very private and not as open about their journey, and they often suffer silently.  I am so happy for her that she is parenting a precious little girl, but I can’t imagine 13 years of going through this alone (and with her husband).

Mother’s day at church was good and interesting.  I was a greeter at service as usual on Mother’s day, since we always greet on second Sunday of the month.  Last year it was tough and we didn’t go to church as we just returned from Hawaii after we were told that I needed a surrogate.   It was just too much and I couldn’t handle going to church witnessing baby dedication.  This year I was feeling good.  Not overly joyful that I’d soon have my children in my arms, but also not sad at all that I am not the one carrying them.  Since many people learned about our twins on FB, many came up to me to hug me and say how happy they were for us and to congratulate us.  Baby dedication was okay too.  I didn’t feel jealous or negative about it.  Some of my friends also privately messaged me or wrote me on FB wishing me Happy Mother’s Day.  It was just a little strange to hear people tell me Happy Mother’s Day as it is a brand new experience.

Now that we have made an announcement, I can talk about our babies more freely at work and at church.  I am just so grateful that we have reached this milestone.

MicroblogMondays: Babies And Pregnancy Announcements


It has been challenging to deal with babies and pregnant women in the last couple of months.

Ever since the news of possibly needing a gestational carrier, my previous calmness and acceptance of babies and pregnant women in my life have turned into occasional intolerance.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to deal with pregnancy news or cute baby photos on Fac.ebook.  I guess these things come in waves.  Prior to our first donor egg cycle, we were so hopeful for a positive outcome that the sight of anything pregnancy- or baby-related did not bother me much.  In fact, I saw pregnancy news from donor egg cycles as an encouragement that the same happy ending would most likely happen to us as well.  Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.  Knowing that surrogacy may be the only way for us to have a baby that shares his/her genes with my husband, even pregnancy news of ladies in my Fac.ebook donor egg secret group becomes intolerable.  In the last two weeks, about 4 or 5 of these ladies got their positive beta or two pink lines on their pee sticks.  I haven’t been able to bear the sight of that and often have to hide these posts.  This is not a sustainable way to live, but I just can’t force myself to be okay when I am really not okay.

But, I am a human being.  Human being likes to torture themselves. I am no different.  Even when I hide these posts, I also seek them out sometimes.  There are these “friends” on Fac.ebook that I don’t personally talk to much anymore.  They all got married in the past year or two.  I often unfollow them so I won’t see their posts on my newsfeed should they become pregnant and post their announcements.  I guess, it’s just a sort of preemptive self-preservation.  Last week, I decided to torture myself.  I looked at the Fac.ebook page of three of them.  Guess what?  Lucky me.  All three had made a pregnancy announcement in the last month.  The good news is, I didn’t get ambushed by their pregnancy announcements unprepared because of the unfollowing.  However, I didn’t expect all three of them to be expecting.  I don’t wish any of this infertility nonsense to happen to any of them, but at the same time, I selfishly didn’t want them to be trying so quickly after their wedding.

And then, somehow, I also looked up my first boyfriend on Fac.ebook.  I don’t know how he came to my mind.  I just was thinking about him and his wife, who happened to be one of my best friends in my 20s.  She and I hung out almost every single weekend for quite a few years.  Then one day, she and her long-time boyfriend broke up.  My ex-boyfriend and she got together.  Although he and I were no longer together, it was still tough to see my best friend and my ex-boyfriend be an item.  It was extremely awkward for any of us to all hang out together.  Since they got married, we had grown apart.  Life changed and we are no longer close friends.  All I knew was that they didn’t have any kids.  I never asked her about their plans and I just assumed they didn’t want to have kids after being married for over ten years.  It has been quite a few years since I last bumped into them at a local grocery store.  I searched for my ex-boyfriend who is not even my Fac.ebook friend.  And there he was in his profile photo with a little girl.  Another photo showed a group of people and my former best friend who was grinning from ear to ear holding her baby.  Judging from the dates of the photos, it seems like she had given birth early last year.  So she was probably 41 or 42 when she gave birth.  Twelve years after their wedding.  I am sure that there is a story of an infertility journey about which I’d never find out the details.  I am happy that they finally have a child if they did struggle.  However, the sense of being alone in this world of infertility sometimes is too much to bear.

Although seeing pregnant ladies and babies on Fac.ebook has been difficult for me, I just can’t be mad at babies, especially those very cute ones that I get to hold and play with in real life.  I am talking about babies who show up at my work.  My supervisor returned to work after her 4.5 month maternity leave.  Her husband is currently on paternity leave, so the baby comes to our office to visit at least three to four times a week.  I was initially annoyed by the sounds and sights of the baby.  I deliberately stayed in my office without reacting or responding to the oohing and ahhing out in the hall.  But you just can’t be mad at a super chubby and smiley baby.  I just happened to be at the front desk one day when my supervisor’s husband was pushing the baby stroller in.  Since the front door was already looked, I went and unlocked it for him.  I peeked inside the stroller.  All I could see was a baby beaming with a smile.  When I talked to him, he opened his mouth and started cooing back.  It was super cute.  I remember going home telling Bob about the baby and how he responded to my voice with such happy face.  Last week, another baby came with her mom to work.  When I walked by her mom’s office, the baby was crying.  So I couldn’t help myself but volunteer to hold the baby so her mom could fix her milk for her.  And I fed the baby so her mom could go do something very important.  You know, you just can’t be mad at the babies. She drank her milk and fell asleep in my arm.  When my coworker came back, I even chatted with her about her difficulty breastfeeding the baby and other struggles she had as a new mother.  After I handed the baby back to her, I went to the lunch room and my supervisor’s baby was there visiting.  Holding him while waiting for my lunch to heat up was a highlight of my day.

I no longer dread the unannounced visits of these babies or the sight or sound of them.  I think I am faring better than I expected myself to be. I don’t avoid them like a plague.  There is a certain freedom in that I no longer feel negative about being surrounded by these babies.  I just hope that one day I will have the same freedom seeing pregnancy and birth announcements that show up on my Fac.ebook newsfeed.  I was once okay with them.  I am hopeful that given time, I will get back in that head space once again.

MicroblogMondays: Another Dilemma with Fertile Friends


About five months ago, I had a little conflict with my out-of-town friend Chloe because she had said some hurtful things to me when she learned that I wasn’t going to attend dinner with her and our other friends, including my pregnant friend Leanne.  I love Leanne and usually wouldn’t mind seeing her, but I just couldn’t see her the week after I got my BFN for my last Own Egg cycle.  Chloe and I have since mostly made up.  I promised her that I would see her when she is in town in August.  Here we are.  The dinner has been planned for this coming Friday.

Originally when Chloe arranged for this dinner, she only asked me, Leanne, and another friend.  We are the core group of people.  Last week, she sent out a text to the three of us and then three more people regarding dinner.  There were two phone numbers that I didn’t recognize.  I really do hate it when she does this: inviting people that I don’t know.  It makes it really hard to talk about anything.  I can predict that there will not be much catching up, especially sitting next to people you don’t know.  It defeats the purpose of getting together when you can’t even talk about your life.

I am friends with one of the extra girls that Chloe invited.  Let’s call her Candace.  She got married last year at age 38, so I was quite sure that she was going to try to have a baby.  I haven’t seen her since her wedding.  She texted back saying that she might or might not come to dinner because she lives and works two to three hours away from the restaurant, and would need to leave at 2pm to make it to dinner.

Well, Candace, who usually is not active on Fac.ebook, suddenly posted her baby shower photos.  Baby shower photos!  What?  I was totally surprised and felt blindsided.  Apparently she is due in October, and her coworkers threw her a surprise baby shower, so she had to post it.  I don’t blame her for posting and announcing, but my first reaction was that I just wanted to hide from her and escape dinner.  If our last transfer had succeeded, my due date would be October as well.  If she comes to dinner, imagine this: I will have to hug her, say congratulations, and I am quite sure others will be oohing and ahhing over her bump, pregnancy, new life, etc etc.  This is too much of a trigger for me.  When I said yes to dinner, I didn’t sign up for a soiree with a pregnant woman.  This is different from having dinner with Leanne.  Candace and I aren’t close friends and we don’t necessarily have to get together.  This is a situation I really didn’t have to subject myself to.

I went to bed feeling bugged.  And I woke up feeling bugged.  Bob told me that I should skip dinner and was a bit mad at me for torturing myself by still going.  But I really can’t bail this time.  If I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe, I better make it to dinner.  So Bob’s question is, why do I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe?  We really go way back.  She and I went through a lot as friends.  It is stupid for letting these things go between us.  But it’s also very sad that I do not look forward to our dinner.  Going to this dinner stresses me out.  All this week I will have to work on getting myself mentally ready to spend two hours enduring the talk of pregnancy.

If Chloe had already known of Candace’s pregnancy and still invited her, I would be very mad at her.  I guess I can’t expect her to understand how I would feel because I guess to her it has never been that big of a deal.  Probably in her mind, I, as an infertile, just have to handle my emotions for the sake of friendship.  To me, it’s almost asking for too much from her to give it a little thought about how I might feel sitting there staring at a seven-month baby bump and listening to pregnancy talk.

I don’t even think that it’s worth it to talk to Chloe about my feelings.  After the conflict last time, I just feel that the divide between her and me is too wide when it comes to my point-of-view as an infertile person.  So this is what I will do.  I will just suck it up and go to the dinner, smile, say my congratulations, and pretend to be happy.  I know that it doesn’t match my usual way of handling things: being honest and transparent.  However, this time I just really feel that it is not worth it.

Or, maybe Candace will decide not to go.  After all, it is probably no fun to sit through three hours of traffic while you are 7-month pregnant.

Either way, I think I will do fine.  I just need to vent.

MicroblogMondays: Some Thoughts after the Train Ride


We made it!  The train departed and carried us safely to our destination with only a 4-hour delay.

The journey was such a new and special experience.  Sleeping in a rocking motion, taking a shower while trying to balance ourselves, dining and making fast friends with strangers, and learning to enjoy the slowness of time all proved to be such memorable experiences.

Bob and I got along well without any big fights.   I also learned a thing or two about myself.  Our luxurious bedroom (vs. riding coach or in the tiny rooms called roomette) allowed us to have a two seater plus an extra seat, a big window, a private toilet with shower, and a sink.  Although the room was much more spacious than other rooms, the space was still limited.  I found myself having a hyper sense of control of my surroundings and needed order of the environment at all time.  Everything had a “regular” place (which is funny because the train ride was only 2.5 days) and things would have to be returned to their spots.  In such a tiny space, anything out of order would make it too chaotic for me.  This extreme control of environment doesn’t happen as much at home because the space we are allowed to move around is exponentially bigger.

Another thing I learned about myself is my love for drawing.  Remember I said in my last post I brought a sketch book to document the journey and an adult coloring book?  I did not touch the coloring book at all because I found drawing my own pictures and coloring them is so much more fun than beautifying other people’s work.  I hadn’t drawn anything in the last many years, but I have always had a passion for drawing and painting.  Thanks to this train journey, I was allowed a lot of time to just focus on this passion.  I took my time and just drew whatever I wanted.  A creative time that does not involve running my fingers on a keyboard.

Here is one that I did:


I saw an unexpected pregnancy announcement on Facebook during the train trip.  I don’t know about you, but I have a few people that I can “count on” keeping me company or being infertile with me while I wait for my turn.  It could be kind of like a mean thing to have, but I can’t help but keep track of these people. This person was one of them.  I actually mentioned about this former coworker in a previous post that a currently pregnant coworker had a difficult time figuring out how to share her own pregnancy news with.  I knew that this former coworker, who got married eight years ago, had been trying to adopt.  I don’t know her fertility issues, but I knew that she wanted a baby.  So when I saw the pictures of her baby bump online, I was super surprised, but I was actually happy for her.  I clicked “like” and then closed the page.  Later on I started seeing her taking pictures of her pets on her baby bump, I knew that I had to unfollow her for a while.  Even though I am not jealous, I still have to protect myself from triggers.  The sense of being left behind is also stronger than ever.

In Chicago, we stayed with one of my high school best friends, his wife, and his daughter.  This is my third time being in Chicago.  The first time was right after my friend had gotten married and moved there.  I went to visit when they had barely been there for two months.  The second time was when I went to help take care of his newborn daughter for his wife while he was on a business trip for week.  Being my best friend, he knows what has been going on in our fertility journey.  He knows all about the previous cycles and our pursuit of egg donation.  However, being a guy, he had never told his wife about our struggles.  His wife and I get along really well, but afterall, I am his friend.  Whenever I see her in California, there never seems to be a good time to bring up these things.  So I made a decision to find a time to tell her.  It was difficult to find the right moment though because the little five-year-old was always around and always so curious about our topics of conversation.  I just didn’t know how to explain to a little girl about the struggles that a couple could have for trying for a baby.  One day a chance came.  Kimberly from No Good Eggs was traveling to Chicago for a weekend and we were making plans to meet up.  I told my friend’s wife about this online friend that I would finally meet in person.  Naturally, she inquired about how we met online.  I thought it was a great segue to introduce to her this main theme that has been dominant in my life in the last 3.5 years.  Bless her heart, she wasn’t fazed by any of this.  She just naturally didn’t know much about the assisted reproductive technology world.  I brought her up to speed in the next three days about what we went through.  We didn’t have a lot of time for any in-depth conversation because little missy was around most of the time.  But in passing, she showed enough interest in asking me questions about the IVF process.  And I disclosed to her about choosing a donor and our mentality and emotions behind moving towards egg donation.  The conversation was fruitful and I was surprised by my openness and ease with talking about this topic with a real life friend.  When we were parting at the airport, she gave me a long tight hug and told me to keep them updated.  It was great to be able to talk about this freely.

Turning 41 and doing it Chicago style was wonderful.  It has always been Bob and me alone to celebrate my birthday.  Having my friends and their daughter there with us was so precious.  Friendship is wonderful.  And although I still don’t have a baby, I decided to celebrate my age the best way I could.  I really had a memorable day.

Oh and Kimberly and I did meet up!  That was such a highlight of our trip.  Fortunately we weren’t leaving town until late afternoon, so Kimberly and I made plans to meet for breakfast.  It was worth the effort to get up super early for the twins.  I had seen plenty of their pictures but it was something else to see them outside of a picture online and become alive in front of my eyes.  Meeting up with a fellow blogger has always been a wonderful experience.  She knows what is going on in your life.  You don’t have to say much to catch up.  You don’t have to explain anything.  She knows what you are going through.  It is just so refreshing.  And those kids… my goodness, they are so so cute!  What a treat for us to be able to spend time with them.

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Bob got to hold little J.

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I will write more about the whole train ride next week some time after I recuperate from all the walking on our trip.  What I can say is that I really appreciate the trip because it helps me cherish even more my own home and the routine that I have established.  Without a vacation away from home, I would not be as appreciative of my own boring routine and a sense of order that is needed in my life.

Stay tuned next week for some of the highlights on the train and in Chicago!

Crazy Last Few Days

The last few days had been crazy and emotional for me.  It all started on Sunday.

Bob and I have had fights about my family.  This fight about this particular topic has been recurring.  And I feel like there is no resolution unless something or someone changes.  Anyways, we had one of those fights on Sunday.  I know it was Mother’s Day.  I am the greeter at church every single Mother’s Day.  This time it was no different.  And I dare to say that it was actually not bad at all.  I went and greeted people.  I didn’t experience the constant bombardment of “Happy Mother’s Day” ringing in my ears like last year.  I was fine seeing all the babies that were being dedicated during Sunday service.  It was interesting to observe that out of the 7 or 8 families on stage, only one family had a single child.  Everyone else was dedicating their third child.  I actually wasn’t bugged by that.  Just an observation.  Bob and I were originally going to have leftovers at home.  He suggested taking me out on Mother’s Day.  We walked into our favorite taqueria and saw my brother’s whole family with their friends there.  It was actually very awkward.  We just saw them at church but we weren’t invited by them to lunch.  My sister-in-law saw me and mumbled something like oh I thought about calling you.  Anyhow, there has been tension with my one and only brother.  Mainly Bob has felt that they treat friends better than they treat family.  I can see his point and I don’t blame him.  Bob didn’t say much about this incident, and we still had a great time having lunch by ourselves.  Later on that afternoon, he asked me a question about my parents, questioning why I was opting to do something for my dad.  I couldn’t understand why he questioned me.  And he kept on pushing me to give him a reasonable answer.  It started escalating and became a full-blown fight.  I believe that deep down the whole Mother’s Day thing at church and bumping into my brother’s family at lunch triggered a lot of negative emotions and he needed an outlet.  Infertility and money is also a part of this tension between us: the constant need to shell out more money, the stalling of the process, the lack of progress, etc.

Needless to say, although we made up, Sunday didn’t go well.  The residual feelings spilled over to Monday morning.  My eyes were puffy and life felt a little more grim than usual.  I went to my saline sonogram that morning at 8:30am.  I arrived early, paid my big money, and waited.  I was called back in no time.  Dr. Director (who is the director of the clinic) did my sonogram.  The mock transfer was extremely easy.  The catheter went in and came out.  Dr. Director went on to do the saline sonogram.  The dye went in and I could see my uterus on the big screen.  She showed me the big fibroid that has always been there.  Then she showed me a smaller fibroid.  Those didn’t seem to be the problems as she put it, “They are behaving quite well”.  However, she became silent while checking on something for a quite a few seconds.  Going in, I didn’t expect anything other than my uterus looking okay because none of my previous scans, saline sonogram, or hysteroscopy showed otherwise.  Dr. Director moved the wand and showed me on the screen this area that became dark and then light again, which might indicate adhesions or scar tissues.  She asked if I had a surgery before.  I did, but it was on the uterine wall, not in the cavity.  I don’t know how scar tissues could move into the cavity.  She took a few more images, finished the scans, and asked me to sit up.  I asked her what this all meant.  But she wasn’t willing to say anything.  She just told me that Dr. No Nonsense would look over the scans and contact me about the next steps.  I pressed further, and she said that he might request a hysteroscopy for me.  But she would defer to his opinion.

Let me tell you.  I wasn’t feeling well.  My mind was immediately going to very dark places.  I know that it is not logical, but my first reaction was that this could be a problem that would prevent me from carrying a child to term.  I had arranged for a meeting with the donor coordinator immediately following the saline sonogram.  While I was waiting for her to come get me, my mind was going wild.  However, I was determine not to consult with Dr. Googl.e though.  I waited for a very long time, about 45 minutes, before the donor coordinator came to get me.

I requested the meeting because I wanted to learn about the next steps after the precycle checklist has been done.  The meeting didn’t go well either.  Apparently, we have to wait until Dr. No Nonsense clears my saline sonogram.  However, even with all the checklist items being done, we will not be matched with our chosen donor immediately.  The donor coordinator will call the donor in July, which is a month prior to when she said she’d be available, to ask if she is indeed going to do the donation.  So we really won’t know for sure until July.  One point I am not clear is whether or not we will lose this donor if another couple ahead of us on the priority list becomes interested in her.  I will have to ask about this in the future.

This totally sucks.  There is no guarantee that we will get this donor until right before she can start a cycle.  The donor coordinator’s explanation is that even if the donor says yes right now, she may still change her mind due to external factors like career change, trips, or other things.  I can see that point, but it still sucks.  Another thing is cost.  If somehow the donor does not respond to the stims, the recipient will be out half of the donor compensation fee as well as the cost of the medication.  Half of the donor fee is a lot of money.  I guess it’s nice to have a proven donor so you know that she did respond well to drugs previously.  But still.  I can request a meeting with the donor, but my clinic does not assist the donor to take part in the Donor Sibling Registry.  This is very surprising to me as this is a large clinic.

I walked out of the clinic feeling defeated.  The fight the day before, the unknown about my uterine cavity, and the delay of being officially matched with a donor made life grim for me.  I still had to go back to work and put on a happy face.  Before that, I went to my jeweler to tighten the diamond on my engagement ring that apparently came loose over the weekend.  My jeweler looked at it carefully and declared that he would have to keep the ring for a few days to fix it.  I don’t like parting with my ring, but I had to.  I said, Can you believe it that this ring is almost five years old?  Jeweler said, Still no babies yet?  And I said, I am not going to lie.  We’ve been trying but it’s been very hard.  My jeweler remained silent.  I guess there is nothing to say when you give a brutally honest answer to these sensitive questions.

I hid in my office at work, with the door closed.  I just couldn’t interact with anyone.  Luckily I didn’t have any clients until the afternoon.  I was worried about the saline sonogram results and had my phone close to me.  Then, one of my FB secret group ladies, who had been trying for her second child for a few months, posted her BFP.  I normally would not react strongly to this, but after all the not-so-good news, a pee stick picture was too much to bear.  That was a perfect day for hiding under the blanket.  But of course I had no way of doing that.  I had to put on a happy face for the kids.

After my last client, my coworker, who knows nothing about our struggles, came in to show me the new Playmobil toys that she just purchase.  My first thought was, You’ve gotta be kidding me.  This is what she showed me:


I can’t even escape a pregnant lady when I am shown a toy.  I am quite sure she is pregnant because the other Playmobil mommies all have flat tummies, although Aramis speculated that maybe she hadn’t lost her pregnancy weight yet.  The only two things that I commented on this to my coworker were 1) She definitely didn’t have any problems conceiving, and 2) the kids are possibly from different dads.

The only silver lining the whole day was that I got street parking right away all three times I needed them.  Small mercies, yeah?

I was exhausted when I got home.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Dr. No Nonsense still hadn’t contacted me after a whole day.  I really needed a mental health day to recuperate from all the things that happened in the past couple of days.  I arranged for a day off on Tuesday and was going to do something that I would enjoy.  I finished my last blog post, pressed Publish, then went to bed.

Wow.  I was so surprised when I woke up at 5:45am and read my first comment.  A comment not from an unknown troll, but from someone who had commented more than a dozen times in the past year.  Someone who had been supportive and repeatedly cheered me on and offered her prayers.  I actually had never received any negative comments before.  This was the first time that I felt like someone had yelled at me very loudly for the choice that I am so carefully making for myself, my husband, and my future children.  I was stunned that I was criticized for such a personal choice.  And I was even more flabbergasted that this person did not voice her opinion in a respectful way on my personal blog, but used strong language to attack me.  I am thankful for all the friends who commented and called this person out.  I was actually not mad.  But this whole incident left a bad taste in my mouth on a day when I was supposed to rest mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I don’t see the need to explain my choices and my finances, but I will write another post to clarify the difference between frozen eggs and fresh eggs, as Julia so eloquently explained in the comment section.

I woke up this morning at 5:10am having the similar feeling that I had when I was banking embryos.  I was feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and helpless. I need of strength and peace that could only come from the Lord.  I prayed for Him to sustain me, and give me strength to get through the day.  I got through today okay.  Still no phone call or email from the clinic.  I eventually emailed my nurse to ask for an update on the scan results as well as to ask whether it is a big problem for me to be having breakthrough bleeding 14 days straight (yes, today is cycle day 14 and I am still having light bleeding).  So disappointing that nobody has gotten back to me.  So I continue to wait.  Jane Allen maintains that it could be good news if the doctor hasn’t contacted me, which means that it’s not a serious problem to begin with.

There you have it.  My crazy few days.  Sometimes I just feel that I should go back to see a therapist to talk through all my feelings.  Unfortunately, mine is on maternity leave.  But it may be worthwhile to see someone new in the mean time.  I thought I could do it all, but I can’t.  I need God’s help.  And possibly another therapist.

Another Pregnant Coworker

My Dear Colleague who only works part-time wrote me a message since she wouldn’t be in the office until the next day.

It was a heads-up.  She learned in a meeting that another coworker of ours is pregnant.  She debated whether or not to tell me because this was not her announcement to make, but she wanted to protect me and allow me time to process it first.  New Pregnant Coworker is going to make an announcement this week.

First, my heart sank.  I knew New Pregnant Coworker had been trying for a baby for quite a few months.  She got engaged not too long ago but apparently had been on the TTC journey well before her engagement.  She will definitely be showing for her August wedding.  I swear that I saw her tummy sticking out last week and I just brushed it off.  What I saw was real.

Cue panic.  My first thought was, where should I be hiding when she makes her announcement?  I hope she does not make it during a meeting.  I also hope that she does not come to me personally and tell me the news.  In this particular moment, I am in no shape or form to blurt out a congratulations.  Maybe I will be okay if she does come to me?  I don’t know.

Then the sense of unfairness came over me again.  Given her age (she is a year or so younger than I am), it somehow hurts more for her to be pregnant than for my other younger coworker.  Did I expect her to have more trouble due to her age?  Yes.  Do I wish infertility upon her?  No.  But still, the why her and why not me is ringing loudly in my ears.

Standing at my desk in my office, tears started streaming down my cheeks.  I was  very surprised by my reaction.  I thought I wouldn’t feel as sad because I kind of knew it would be coming.  I guess anticipation and reality are two different things.  I am so thankful for having an office and a door.  Being behind closed door allowed me to cry all I wanted.  I was due for a good cry anyways.

I am also grateful for Dear Colleague’s heads-up.  I don’t know what I would do if I got ambushed without knowing the news ahead of time.

I am telling you now that I will eventually have a third pregnant coworker.  My supervisor just returned from her honeymoon trip and I have a strong feeling that she is already pregnant.  I could be wrong.  But my instinct is pretty good.

Guess where I will be hiding at lunch for the rest of the year?  My office will be a pretty good refuge.