MicroblogMondays: Dinner and Vegas!

Microblog_Mondays

Dinner last Friday with old friends turned out to be great.  Leanne, my usually thoughtful friend, texted me Thursday night and asked if we could speak briefly on the phone.  Leanne is someone who is not into social media, so I knew that she hadn’t seen Candace’s baby shower photos on Face.book.  Thus, she didn’t know that I had already known about the pregnancy.  When we got on the phone, she said that she wanted to make sure that I didn’t get blindsided by some news that might come up during our Friday dinner.  To save her from further stammering to find the right word to break the news to me, I told her that I knew about Candace’s pregnancy.  I went on to tell her about the emotions that I had experienced the whole week to make sure that I would be fine during dinner.  My conclusion to her was that since I had already prepared myself, regardless of Candace’s presence, I should be fine during dinner.  Leanne then told me that Candace wouldn’t be there for dinner as her pregnancy has been very difficult and driving in traffic for several hours on a Friday is not exactly the best thing for her.  I truly appreciate Leanne’s thoughtfulness in trying to prepare me for the news.  She actually wanted to tell me about it the last time we met up, but because I was telling updating her on our egg donation, she didn’t feel that it was the most appropriate time to bring up someone else’s pregnancy.  She sat at home not feeling good about not letting me know ahead of the Friday dinner knowing that I would usually need time to process pregnancy news.  Her thoughtfulness is a big contrast to our friend Chloe’s oblivion to my need to process pregnancy news ahead of time.

Dinner was great.  It was just the four of us, the core group of friends, plus Leanne’s baby.  Pregnant lady couldn’t come.  Chloe didn’t bring the kids.  Her other friends couldn’t make it.  We caught up without having to be careful with what we talked about since there was no outsiders.  We could truly talk about anything we wanted to.  It was just like old times.  It reminds me of why I still want to maintain a friendship with these friends.  And Chloe asked me in private for an update for our egg donation, which I gladly told her.  She is genuine in wanting me and Bob to be successful and to become parents.  Candace’s name came up but nobody talked about her pregnancy.  Those were some very pleasant 2.5 hours with some very good friends over tapas.

*****

Bob accepted his job offer and will start his new job on August 31st.  He will have the next two weeks off.  And we are going to Las Vegas!  When we want to take a few days off, we usually consider driving up and down the coast.  We usually like quiet time and just hang out.  Las Vegas looks like a very unusual choice for us.  But since we have not done Vegas, why not?  Flight and hotel packages are inexpensive in comparison to other times during the year.  I guess Vegas is too hot?  The most exciting thing for me is to be able to watch O!  I have been wanting to watch this Cirq.ue du Sol.eil show forever.  We (or mainly I) have splurged for some good tickets so hopefully I will not be disappointed!  We will be there in 1.5 weeks.

MicroblogMondays: Another Dilemma with Fertile Friends

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About five months ago, I had a little conflict with my out-of-town friend Chloe because she had said some hurtful things to me when she learned that I wasn’t going to attend dinner with her and our other friends, including my pregnant friend Leanne.  I love Leanne and usually wouldn’t mind seeing her, but I just couldn’t see her the week after I got my BFN for my last Own Egg cycle.  Chloe and I have since mostly made up.  I promised her that I would see her when she is in town in August.  Here we are.  The dinner has been planned for this coming Friday.

Originally when Chloe arranged for this dinner, she only asked me, Leanne, and another friend.  We are the core group of people.  Last week, she sent out a text to the three of us and then three more people regarding dinner.  There were two phone numbers that I didn’t recognize.  I really do hate it when she does this: inviting people that I don’t know.  It makes it really hard to talk about anything.  I can predict that there will not be much catching up, especially sitting next to people you don’t know.  It defeats the purpose of getting together when you can’t even talk about your life.

I am friends with one of the extra girls that Chloe invited.  Let’s call her Candace.  She got married last year at age 38, so I was quite sure that she was going to try to have a baby.  I haven’t seen her since her wedding.  She texted back saying that she might or might not come to dinner because she lives and works two to three hours away from the restaurant, and would need to leave at 2pm to make it to dinner.

Well, Candace, who usually is not active on Fac.ebook, suddenly posted her baby shower photos.  Baby shower photos!  What?  I was totally surprised and felt blindsided.  Apparently she is due in October, and her coworkers threw her a surprise baby shower, so she had to post it.  I don’t blame her for posting and announcing, but my first reaction was that I just wanted to hide from her and escape dinner.  If our last transfer had succeeded, my due date would be October as well.  If she comes to dinner, imagine this: I will have to hug her, say congratulations, and I am quite sure others will be oohing and ahhing over her bump, pregnancy, new life, etc etc.  This is too much of a trigger for me.  When I said yes to dinner, I didn’t sign up for a soiree with a pregnant woman.  This is different from having dinner with Leanne.  Candace and I aren’t close friends and we don’t necessarily have to get together.  This is a situation I really didn’t have to subject myself to.

I went to bed feeling bugged.  And I woke up feeling bugged.  Bob told me that I should skip dinner and was a bit mad at me for torturing myself by still going.  But I really can’t bail this time.  If I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe, I better make it to dinner.  So Bob’s question is, why do I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe?  We really go way back.  She and I went through a lot as friends.  It is stupid for letting these things go between us.  But it’s also very sad that I do not look forward to our dinner.  Going to this dinner stresses me out.  All this week I will have to work on getting myself mentally ready to spend two hours enduring the talk of pregnancy.

If Chloe had already known of Candace’s pregnancy and still invited her, I would be very mad at her.  I guess I can’t expect her to understand how I would feel because I guess to her it has never been that big of a deal.  Probably in her mind, I, as an infertile, just have to handle my emotions for the sake of friendship.  To me, it’s almost asking for too much from her to give it a little thought about how I might feel sitting there staring at a seven-month baby bump and listening to pregnancy talk.

I don’t even think that it’s worth it to talk to Chloe about my feelings.  After the conflict last time, I just feel that the divide between her and me is too wide when it comes to my point-of-view as an infertile person.  So this is what I will do.  I will just suck it up and go to the dinner, smile, say my congratulations, and pretend to be happy.  I know that it doesn’t match my usual way of handling things: being honest and transparent.  However, this time I just really feel that it is not worth it.

Or, maybe Candace will decide not to go.  After all, it is probably no fun to sit through three hours of traffic while you are 7-month pregnant.

Either way, I think I will do fine.  I just need to vent.

MicroblogMondays: Dinner with Friends/Meeting the Newborn

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I mentioned about this very good friend of mine who announced to me that she was trying for number two, got pregnant pretty much right away, and was very sensitive to my needs when she announced it to me.  Yeah at that time the news still hurt, and it took some time to get over it.  Her pregnancy was even the cause of my little discord with our mutual good friend Chloe who told me that “you can’t avoid seeing pregnant women in public unless you aren’t leaving your house” and “Leanne isn’t pregnant to be malicious towards you” when I declined attending dinner with all of them barely a week after my last failed own egg cycle in March.  In contrast to Chloe’s insensitivity, Leanne has always been the one who is compassionate and tries to empathize with my feelings and situation.  We did meet up a couple of times during her pregnancy without any hard feelings on my part.  Having an understanding (yet fertile) friend during tough times is truly a blessing.

Leanne gave birth in mid-June.  Because of our Chicago trip, I had not met the baby.  We finally made plans to have dinner one day last week.  Another good friend of ours was also joining us.  My wish was to share with Leanne about all the newest development of my donor egg cycle prior to the other friend’s arrival as I am not ready to share this aspect of my fertility journey with this other friend yet.  We were going to meet up an hour prior to the dinner time.  I had been feeling calm and at peace with our decision to pursue egg donation in the last few weeks as things seem to be falling into place.  So when this sudden sad feeling came upon me while I was driving to my destination, I was really surprised.  My mind was wandering during the drive.  It just hit me how simple and easy it is for some people to have a baby.  Less than a year ago, we were all talking about Leanne and her husband attempting number two.  And boom.  Nine months later, I get to meet a live baby.  Just like that.  As simple as say, Let’s go to the supermarket and get some vegetables.  No struggles involved.  No timing or basal body temperature measurement.  Just like… Oh let’s have se.x and there it is.  I really didn’t expect my mind to go that route.  But I couldn’t help myself but wonder what if my life was like hers, then I would have maybe two babies by now, a whole 43 months after we first started trying.  Why we struggle so much but other people have it so easy, I will never have an answer.  I guess it is not news that trigger could come in any form at any time.  It shouldn’t be a surprise to me that it came as I was approaching the coffee shop to see a newborn baby that was so easily conceived.

Meeting the baby was lovely.  No hard feelings or negative emotions.  Just admiration and awe of God’s wonderful creation and the family resemblance that one cannot deny.  She reminded me so much of her 5-year-old brother.  The same lips.  The same chin.  I will not have babies that will look like me, but I can find comfort in the future that there is a possibility that I will have children who may look like each other.  Holding the baby was heavenly.  That distinctive newborn baby smell is addictive.  Having her in my arms, I can see myself doing the same with my own baby, hopefully some time next year.

My friend Leanne was very attentive while listening to the whole story of the last 2.5 months about how we have come to this point of the egg donation process.  She was extremely happy for us.  The only thing that made me cringe was when she said, “If I were to be an egg donor, I would always wonder what my child would look like.”  I didn’t tell her that any children as a result of egg donation would be the children of the intended parents, not the donor.  But I didn’t say much about her comment.  It just tugged at my heart that if we are successful at having a baby, the child will never share my genes.  You know what?  It is okay though.  At this point, whichever child that God grants us is going to be 100% ours and 100% supposed to be in our family.  So I hope to focus on the gratefulness aspect of it rather than the disappointment in my own body.  Obviously if a comment like that still bugs me, it means that I still have to continue to process my feelings.

The rest of the evening was quite fun with a very good baby who slept through the whole dinner.  She allowed her mommy to have a peaceful, adult dinner.  Leanne, our other friend, and I were somehow talking about the styles of fighting between spouses.  We discovered that Leanne and her husband have the same style of fighting as me and Bob.  We talked about how the wife wants to engage and is always in the husband’s face while the husband always warns the wife to walk away before the fight escalates.  After our little discussion about it, our 41-year-old single friend was quiet for a few moments and suddenly said, “I wish I could have marital discords”.  After hearing what she said, I tilted my head and rested it on her head.  The three of us remained silent.  As much as I hate being infertile, I feel fortunate to have Bob in my life to share all the good and not-so-good moments with me.  My friend here who wants to be married and to be a mom is yearning for what she does not yet have.  It puts things in perspective for me, and helps me cherish what I have in life, despite the difficult journey.

Life is tough at times.  I just want to be a parent and want my friend to find a special man and to be married.  When things don’t turn out the way we want, what do we do?  I hope both she and I persevere and continue to attain our goals and at the same time find joy and contentment in the presence.

MicroblogMondays: Friendships with Super Fertile People

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Friendships with super fertile people are a bit tricky.

I have been friends with these two super fertile ladies for a long time.  They were like sisters to me until these past couple of years.  Life circumstances have drifted us apart.  Chloe, who moved away out of state a few years ago, conceived both of her kids the first couple of months trying.  Leanne, currently six months pregnant with her second child, was the one over whom I cried once learning her pregnancy news in December.  I saw both of them three months ago when Chloe was in town.  I struggled with the pregnancy news but I still went to dinner.

Chloe comes to town maybe every three to six months.  Whenever she’s here, she arranges for us (the four core friends) and some of her other friends to get together for dinner.  Dinner usually happens in the vicinity of her in-laws’ house where she is staying.  So I will usually have to go the distance and drive 40 minutes for that dinner.  Looking at the last couple of years, I have been to every single one of these meals when she was visiting.  Sometimes with our core group of friends.  Sometimes with only a couple of us.  Sometimes with a bigger group of her friends for whom I don’t care much.  I go because I want to see her.

Chloe was once again in town this past weekend.  Like usual, she wanted us to come to have dinner with her.  And this time, in addition to our core group of friends, she also invited one extra friend.  Since I knew that my beta test would be this past Monday, I let her know that I might or might not be up to getting together.  I might or might not be pregnant by this weekend so I might or might not want to hang out with Leanne, our pregnant friend.  Chloe was disappointed that I might not go.  I told her that I have to protect myself and I chose to be honest with her rather than making up some lame excuse. One week ago when we learned the beta results, I let Chloe know that the blood test was negative, and I would see about my emotions before I made a decision about dinner.

Fast forward to Saturday night.  I was trying to be true to myself and my feelings.  I did not feel up to meeting with Leanne, seeing her big belly, and not being able to chat about things freely because of the friend who is not in our core group.  I was not ready to hang out with them for Sunday night dinner.  I told my pregnant friend who responded with, “I am so sorry, Isabelle.  I’ve had you in my thoughts, wondering how things were going.  Please let me know if I can help in any way, Ok?  Will miss you tomorrow but understand of course.  Love and hugs, L”

That night, Chloe and I had an exchange on chat.  This is how it went:

C: Hello! Hope you are hanging in there. I also hope you decide to meet us all for dinner tomorrow.

I: I’m feeling better, but not ready to hang out. Hopefully next time you come or next time we go there.

C: I’m really sorry to hear  this. I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I have to say I’m hurt and disappointed. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I’m upset because I’m here and you won’t see me. You can’t avoid seeing pregnant women in public unless you aren’t leaving your house. Leanne isn’t pregnant to be malicious towards you. I’m disappointed that you will be the only one missing. I don’t know when I will be down again. When I do come down, I care more about seeing you and the girls more than seeing blood family. You are my sisters and more of family to me than my blood family is.

After seeing what she wrote, I was really upset.  In fact, I was boiling inside.  She was making it about her.  Her comment about my reaction towards other pregnant women and Leanne’s pregnancy was ridiculous, insensitive, and hurtful.  She made a rash judgment about me without knowing how I have been handling myself in the past three years.  I go out.  I see pregnant ladies every single day.  And I am fine.  I don’t avoid going out.  I don’t avoid going to work and seeing my Pregnant Coworker.  I am doing as much as I can to be a normal human being.  I have never said one single thing about our friend Leanne being malicious towards me.  I was hurt that such an assumption  was made without truly trying to know my life as an infertile person in the last few years.  This time, all I was asking for was for her to give me some understanding and empathy as to what I am going through for this one freaking time so I can skip dinner.

And my friend Jo was right.  If she really wanted to, knowing my circumstances, she could have offered to see me one-on-one.  But no… her time is very limited every time she comes, so there is no way she could do one-on-one with me.

Bob was upset that I was upset.  He told me not to respond to her when I was so mad.  But when do I listen to my husband?  😉  This is what I said:

“I am disappointed that you are not even going to try to understand my point of view.  I try to see you every single time you come down.  And the one time that I am hurt and in pain, you are telling me these things.  I don’t know what to say.  I have to do things to protect myself.   Again, I am being honest with you rather than giving you a lame reason.  This is what friends do.  Being honest.  So just please let me heal and get over this hurt before you make a judgment about me and what I am going through.  I hold nothing against Leanne.  I told her that I won’t be there tomorrow and she understands.  I just need a bit of time to heal as everything is still  so raw.”

Then I said, “I am done with this conversation tonight.  We can talk again in the future.”

I was hurt.  I really don’t think I was being unreasonable.  I know I can’t expect super fertile friends to know how I feel.  She must have thought that I could just brush my feelings aside for the sake of friendship and getting together with them.  But I just couldn’t this time.  And my expectation was for her to give me a little bit more room and understanding rather than judging me for skipping one dinner.  I was utterly disappointed that the understanding was not given to me.

Chloe at this point knew that I was mad.  She kept trying to patch things up.  These were the things that she typed:

“I’m being honest with you because I love you.  I’m not trying to be mean or hurt you. I love you and wish you would join us.  I know I can’t understand what you are going through. I can’t be in your shoes.  I wish I could make all of this better for you.  I’m sorry if I upset you.  I’m truly sorry. I love you and just wish you could be with us tomorrow.”

Yeah but please do not try to guilt trip me into coming to dinner.

So to that, I responded, “I just can’t tomorrow. I have learned to take care of myself.  I don’t expect you to understand what I’m going through. but I need some empathy here. So just please let me be.  I love you all too, but I need some distance.”

She said, “Ok. I respect your need for time.  I miss you and love you. I hope I can see you sometime sooner than later this year.”  She then apologized a few more times.  At that point, I just wanted to be done with the conversation, so I said, “Okay Chloe. Thanks. I hope you guys have a great time tomorrow. Night.”

 She just wouldn’t quit.  She wrote, “Isabelle, I wish I knew the right things to say and not say. I wish I could make all this better for you. Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry my words were upsetting and selfish.  I want to see you, but you aren’t up for it. I need to respect that.”

I knew she was still worried that I was upset with her.  So I reassured her that it was fine and now that we knew what we were both thinking, we could move on.  She still went on for a little while until I stopped responding.

Is it too much to ask for when I just want to skip dinner with my pregnant friend and my out-of-town friend for this one time just barely a week after my negative beta results following my last failed cycle with my own eggs?  Is it unreasonable for me to expect that I could just stay home and mourn when I need to rather than putting up a brave face in front of my friends?  I know that she apologized and did acknowledge that her words were upsetting and selfish.  But I think it will take me a little while to get over this one.

I am a little tired of dealing with fertile people and explaining myself.   But I am not worried about our friendship.  We are still good friends.  We’ll be fine.

MicroblogMondays: Crying Buckets

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A while ago, I wrote about a good friend of mine who announced that she’d try for a second child.  It was so unexpected to me because all along her husband had been adamant about no more children.  Her potential pregnancy has been in the back of my mind.  I have been thinking about how I’d react to her pregnancy, and I have considered how I wanted her to break the news to me.   I will see her and two other good friends for dinner next Tuesday.  The last thing I want her to do is to tell me in person or to call me on the phone.  I had a feeling that I had to write her an email before the I saw her in person.  This is part of my email to her:

“Last time when we came to visit you at your place, you shared with me that you were trying for number two.  I thank you for sharing that with me.  I have one request.  When you get pregnant, could you please give me a heads up with an email before you announce it in person?  I ask because I would love for you to get pregnant and would love to fully prepare myself to celebrate it with you.  Given our situation, an email will allow me time and space to process the news and get ready to celebrate with you.  I hope that this is not too much to ask.  “

I woke up the next morning at 5:30am to take my basal body temperature.  I checked my email and saw her response.  This is part of what she wrote to me:

“Great to hear from you!  Thanks so much for reaching out about this.  I appreciate very much knowing your preference on these issues and I want you to know that I completely respect your wishes and want to be as sensitive as possible about your situation.

I was planning to give you a call this weekend before the dinner to talk in advance, so I’m glad your email came first.  We are actually expecting now.  I was hoping to share this with you ahead of time – there is absolutely no need to celebrate at dinner or have that be part of our conversation.  I did email Chloe (note: another good friend of ours) just a few days ago to let her know the news and also to ask that we not talk about it at dinner.  While it is mostly good news, we are having some mixed prenatal screening results that mean that the baby potentially isn’t healthy and that I’m at risk for several things down the line in the pregnancy.  So in truth, I’m not celebrating just yet anyway.

How about if you let me know what works for you in terms of future discussions?  I have been thinking about you guys a lot…”

After I saw the email.  I was stunned.  While I expected her not to have any problems conceiving, I didn’t think that she’d conceive pretty much right away at age 38.  I thought that it’d at least take her a bit more than a few months.  The fact that she told me in late September about trying and is already pregnant in December shows how unfair this is.

At 5:30am, I broke into tears.  I lay back in bed and had this heart-wrenching cry that woke Bob up.  My pillow case was all wet from all the tears.  I was just feeling sorry for myself for once again facing a situation with a friend who conceived so easily.  I was also feeling sorry for her for having to worry about herself and her baby.  I just let myself feel and allow my emotions to flow because I don’t know any other way to get over this.  I am not going to stop being friends with her.  But I really needed that time to grieve watching others so easily achieve what we haven’t yet.  I needed time to process the news and be ready to say congratulations.  I didn’t write her back for whole two days.  And this is what I wrote:

“Thanks for being so sensitive about my needs.  It does usually take me a couple of days to process pregnancy news.  So I am so glad that we touched base before we meet up which allowed me time to digest everything.  I am so sorry that there aren’t all good news about this pregnancy.  It must be worrisome to know that the testing results with the baby are mixed, and there might be health complications for you.  I would like to know what is going on with you and the baby health wise.  Would you like to talk on the phone today or tomorrow some time?

Love you girl.  I want nothing but the best for you.  I hope that everything will be fine in the end.”

We haven’t had the time to talk yet so hopefully we can do that soon.  At least before our dinner.  Bob told me not to go to dinner but I refuse.  I don’t like avoidance behavior.  And I truly love her and my other friends.  I have mostly gotten over the news.  I just really needed the time to cry.  I thought that I wouldn’t be reacting so strongly and be so sad, but this is one of my closest friends so the news really hit me hard.  It hurts so much.  I am so glad that I wrote her an email ahead of time.  Imagine her calling me out of the blue sharing her news. It would’ve been hard for me to respond sincerely without crying.  I hope that this pregnancy doesn’t change our friendship, and I truly hope that things will work out in the end for her.  I hope that I’d brave enough to talk with her without shedding any tears.

Being (overly) sensitive?

I admit that I am feeling hurt, but I’m wondering if I am a bit overly sensitive.

I am talking about my friend who I will call Kate here.  We have been very good friends in the last nine years.  We met through another friend and somehow just clicked.  Our friendship continued to grow in the last nine years during which time she got engaged, got married, had kid number one, proceeded to have kid number two, went through job changes and moved. She experienced serious postpartum depression after she had her second baby.  She would hide in her closet and cry.  She had a difficult time bonding with her daughter.  Kate is not a believer but I offered to pray for her and over her if she would like.  I prayed for her consistently for some time.  Finally one day out of the blue she called me at around 9am on a work day and asked if I could pray for her.  She was driving to work and was crying uncontrollably.  Right then and there on the phone I prayed to God for her healing and for her to know that God loved her.  To cheer her up, I arranged with her husband to give her a surprise birthday treat; a girl day out with high tea and manicure/pedicure.  She eventually went to a psychiatrist and got better with her treatment.  We live about 40 minutes away from each other.  Bob and I would drive down to visit with them.  We attend her kids’ birthday parties every single year although we are usually the only couple who doesn’t have children and are always bombarded with inappropriate questions from her extremely fertile friends about our timeline for having children.  Her son was the ring bearer at our wedding.  All of these descriptions are just to show you that we have been very good friends for quite some time.

I am selective with the people with whom I share my fertility struggles.  Kate has been one of the selected few friends in real life to know about us trying for a baby.  I would update her on the IVF seminars that we attended, the choice between mini-IVF and conventional IVF, and my emotional ups and downs.  Looking back in the past couple of years, I have a feeling that I am the one who has been taking the initiative to update her on my life as she goes about her busy life juggling being a career woman, a caring wife, and a good mother.  I would write her Fac.ebook messages, send her texts, or call her to chat.  I didn’t mind because I knew that leading a life as a working mother takes a lot out of a person.  She even admitted at one point that she wasn’t good at keeping in touch with people.

In May, Kate’s whole family came over to our place for dinner.  It was then that I told her about our decision to go with Dr. E.  From the way she spoke to me, I just felt that it was getting more difficult to share my feelings with her about being unable to get pregnant due to the dreadful diagnosis of DOR.  When I told her how lonely I am sometimes when I see that 99% of my friends don’t seem to have any struggles with getting pregnant, she told me that I wasn’t the only person that she knew who couldn’t get pregnant and had to pursue IVF.  Although I know that it is true that I am not the only person having to go through IVF, somehow the way she said it made me feel slighted.  That I should just get with the program and just go ahead with it.  That I shouldn’t feel that everyone around me is lucky except for myself.  She didn’t say all these words… but I could sense and smell the undertone.  Maybe that was the one moment when I was overly sensitive.  I sometimes just wish that my fertile friends in real life would just listen without making a lot of comments.

Fast forward to July.  I updated her via FB about our egg retrieval on my birthday.   On the day of our failed day three transfer, she sent me a text at about dinner time and said that she was in the neighborhood with her family and asked if we wanted to meet up for ice cream.  I was thrilled that I got to see her and the kids.  So we met up at the ice cream parlor.  Bob asked if I felt up to it given the emotional craziness that we experienced earlier that day.  I did want to see her and update her so we went.  As usual, our meeting was rushed with kids running around interrupting and talking over us.  In between paying and waiting for ice cream, we stood far away from the kids and her mother-in-law and I updated her on what happened that morning.  Her first reaction was, Oh the transfer comes this soon?  I did explain to her the whole IVF process before but I was not that surprised that she didn’t really know what the process entailed.  I explained to her the process again, shared with her about the crazy roller coaster that we went through that very morning, and the unknown about the pending transfer on day five.  I shared about my fear of the embryos all dying and having nothing to transfer.  While she was tending her kids for their dripping ice cream and whining to play at the playground, she commented on what I told her with what I would consider platitude.  I don’t remember the exact wording but it made me feel slighted again.  We parted ways after the ice cream date.  That was July 13th.

Kate knew that we were supposed to attempt a transfer on July 15th.  Guess what?  I have not heard from her since the ice cream date.  That was almost a month ago.  Since I was a bit discouraged after her comments, I didn’t feel up to taking the initiative to explain a lot to her.  So I haven’t called her, written her any emails, sent her any texts, or written any FB messages.  Yesterday it just dawned on me that she has not contacted me to see how the transfer went or how I was doing.  All my real life friends who are in the know called me, texted me, asked me, prayed for me, and followed up with me about the first IVF cycle.  Some followed up and asked when I would start my next cycle.  I know some people don’t want a lot of questions from their friends during an IVF cycle but I really appreciate the thoughts.  Bob thinks that Kate just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to understand the feelings of someone going through infertility.

I guess I am just…. disappointed.  Disappointed that she hasn’t taken the time to ask.  Disappointed that she hasn’t shown more interest in finding out more about the process.  Disappointed that I am fitting my friend in a profile that many infertile people would portray their super fertile friends.  Disappointed that infertility has seemingly become a test of my friendship with Kate.  Disappointed that I am feeling hurt and disappointed when I think that I shouldn’t be.

I don’t know how I would handle my hurtful feelings yet.  I wonder if I would/should share with her about my feelings or if I would just let it go.  Maybe I’m really overly sensitive.  Maybe I’ll feel better later and things would be fine.  But I don’t want to lose a friend and I don’t want to be resentful with what she hasn’t done.  This is a tough one for me and I’ll continue to sleep on it.