MicroblogMondays: Babies And Pregnancy Announcements

Microblog_Mondays

It has been challenging to deal with babies and pregnant women in the last couple of months.

Ever since the news of possibly needing a gestational carrier, my previous calmness and acceptance of babies and pregnant women in my life have turned into occasional intolerance.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to deal with pregnancy news or cute baby photos on Fac.ebook.  I guess these things come in waves.  Prior to our first donor egg cycle, we were so hopeful for a positive outcome that the sight of anything pregnancy- or baby-related did not bother me much.  In fact, I saw pregnancy news from donor egg cycles as an encouragement that the same happy ending would most likely happen to us as well.  Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.  Knowing that surrogacy may be the only way for us to have a baby that shares his/her genes with my husband, even pregnancy news of ladies in my Fac.ebook donor egg secret group becomes intolerable.  In the last two weeks, about 4 or 5 of these ladies got their positive beta or two pink lines on their pee sticks.  I haven’t been able to bear the sight of that and often have to hide these posts.  This is not a sustainable way to live, but I just can’t force myself to be okay when I am really not okay.

But, I am a human being.  Human being likes to torture themselves. I am no different.  Even when I hide these posts, I also seek them out sometimes.  There are these “friends” on Fac.ebook that I don’t personally talk to much anymore.  They all got married in the past year or two.  I often unfollow them so I won’t see their posts on my newsfeed should they become pregnant and post their announcements.  I guess, it’s just a sort of preemptive self-preservation.  Last week, I decided to torture myself.  I looked at the Fac.ebook page of three of them.  Guess what?  Lucky me.  All three had made a pregnancy announcement in the last month.  The good news is, I didn’t get ambushed by their pregnancy announcements unprepared because of the unfollowing.  However, I didn’t expect all three of them to be expecting.  I don’t wish any of this infertility nonsense to happen to any of them, but at the same time, I selfishly didn’t want them to be trying so quickly after their wedding.

And then, somehow, I also looked up my first boyfriend on Fac.ebook.  I don’t know how he came to my mind.  I just was thinking about him and his wife, who happened to be one of my best friends in my 20s.  She and I hung out almost every single weekend for quite a few years.  Then one day, she and her long-time boyfriend broke up.  My ex-boyfriend and she got together.  Although he and I were no longer together, it was still tough to see my best friend and my ex-boyfriend be an item.  It was extremely awkward for any of us to all hang out together.  Since they got married, we had grown apart.  Life changed and we are no longer close friends.  All I knew was that they didn’t have any kids.  I never asked her about their plans and I just assumed they didn’t want to have kids after being married for over ten years.  It has been quite a few years since I last bumped into them at a local grocery store.  I searched for my ex-boyfriend who is not even my Fac.ebook friend.  And there he was in his profile photo with a little girl.  Another photo showed a group of people and my former best friend who was grinning from ear to ear holding her baby.  Judging from the dates of the photos, it seems like she had given birth early last year.  So she was probably 41 or 42 when she gave birth.  Twelve years after their wedding.  I am sure that there is a story of an infertility journey about which I’d never find out the details.  I am happy that they finally have a child if they did struggle.  However, the sense of being alone in this world of infertility sometimes is too much to bear.

Although seeing pregnant ladies and babies on Fac.ebook has been difficult for me, I just can’t be mad at babies, especially those very cute ones that I get to hold and play with in real life.  I am talking about babies who show up at my work.  My supervisor returned to work after her 4.5 month maternity leave.  Her husband is currently on paternity leave, so the baby comes to our office to visit at least three to four times a week.  I was initially annoyed by the sounds and sights of the baby.  I deliberately stayed in my office without reacting or responding to the oohing and ahhing out in the hall.  But you just can’t be mad at a super chubby and smiley baby.  I just happened to be at the front desk one day when my supervisor’s husband was pushing the baby stroller in.  Since the front door was already looked, I went and unlocked it for him.  I peeked inside the stroller.  All I could see was a baby beaming with a smile.  When I talked to him, he opened his mouth and started cooing back.  It was super cute.  I remember going home telling Bob about the baby and how he responded to my voice with such happy face.  Last week, another baby came with her mom to work.  When I walked by her mom’s office, the baby was crying.  So I couldn’t help myself but volunteer to hold the baby so her mom could fix her milk for her.  And I fed the baby so her mom could go do something very important.  You know, you just can’t be mad at the babies. She drank her milk and fell asleep in my arm.  When my coworker came back, I even chatted with her about her difficulty breastfeeding the baby and other struggles she had as a new mother.  After I handed the baby back to her, I went to the lunch room and my supervisor’s baby was there visiting.  Holding him while waiting for my lunch to heat up was a highlight of my day.

I no longer dread the unannounced visits of these babies or the sight or sound of them.  I think I am faring better than I expected myself to be. I don’t avoid them like a plague.  There is a certain freedom in that I no longer feel negative about being surrounded by these babies.  I just hope that one day I will have the same freedom seeing pregnancy and birth announcements that show up on my Fac.ebook newsfeed.  I was once okay with them.  I am hopeful that given time, I will get back in that head space once again.

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11 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Babies And Pregnancy Announcements

  1. You are amazing. I think you continually elevate and rise above what would ever be expected of you. I say you give yourself a break for now and just protect yourself as best you can by not going on FB etc. It is ok to do that while you heal and gather strength and a plan. Thinking of you. Xo

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  2. You are incredible. Please do what you need to do for you at this time. No harm being selfish. If it feels right, then great, if not, step away. Sending love.

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  3. When it gets too much for me I take a break from it all. Even now after all these years it still hurts and you’ve got to look after yourself xx

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  4. Those announcements are rough, and it’s a funny wavelike thing — sometimes you can be okay, and other times not. It’s okay to cycle through all the feelings at different times. I can tell you that one day, they won’t hurt as much, for whatever reason. I don’t have my baby yet, and most of the time I can handle the babies and the announcements in stride. Every once in a while it’s a gut punch. Babies crying used to cause me to have a panic attack — especially fresh baby bleating. I did a grocery shop in record time once because I was afraid I was going to break down and hyperventilate-sob if I didn’t get out of there, all because of a wailing newborn in the chip aisle. But now? Not so much. Most days. You have a lot of strength, and that will serve you well as you keep on through this twisty journey. Thinking of you as you live in this space.

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  5. Announcements are still rough for me, even though I now have my Rainbow baby, especially when it comes from my friends who are just married or only tried for a year or less to get and stay pregnant. I totally take social media breaks because it still seems like my friends are popping out kids right and left and posting their sonogram photos like people actually want to see the inside of their uterus, lol.

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  6. It sounds like you are handling things really well, and being really strong. We went to a party with my husband and his work colleagues and a bunch of them got married last year and now they are all expecting and they spent most of the party talking about their pregnancies which I found so hard.

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  7. Whatever feels right at the moment is right at the moment. There are no set rules. Social media can be a great source of support & anguish at the same time. The great thing about it, is you can always log off and evaporate for as long as you need to. You owe nobody an explanation.

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  8. I peek like that, too, at things I’ve shut away in order to not feel hurt by them. I wonder why we have the impulse to do that; like picking at a scab.

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