I have had so many thoughts in my head… I don’t know where to begin. I will try to write some of them down.
*****
Mother’s Day.
I actually had been feeling fine leading up to Mother’s Day. Last year I was a lot more miserable, dreading that day. Unfortunately, Bob and I are greeters on second Sundays each month at church, so I am always the greeter on Mother’s Day. Last year, I went but was feeling off all day. I delegated the duty to pass out flowers to mothers. This year, Bob suggested switching our week with another couple so we could avoid Mother’s Day. I assured him that I was feeling fine and didn’t feel a need to avoid going to church just because of this occasion. I wanted to go to church to worship God.
So off we went, two days after we came home from our trip. The sun was very bright on that day. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad or upset or anything. Once I entered, I saw Anna, my very pregnant infertile friend. She couldn’t wait to update me on her life so she stood next to me while I was greeting people at the entrance. This experience proved to be very overwhelming for me. I didn’t mind seeing her big belly or chatting with her. However, everyone who passed by us said “Happy Mother’s Day!” to her because many people knew about her struggles to get pregnant. I can understand why everyone wanted to celebrate with her and said the greeting more loudly than usual. Anna also stopped her conversation with me and said “Happy Mother’s Day!” to all of the mothers who entered the church door. After hearing this phrase about 50 times, I was about done with her standing next to me. And I felt a little anti-social for not saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” to anybody. Our musical director came by to get a bulletin from me and wished Anna a happy mother’s day as well. Given that he doesn’t really know me, he looked at me and said tentatively… “Happy….?” He wasn’t sure if I was a mother or not. At that point, so many emotions just surfaced and and I blurted out, “Don’t even go there”. So can you imagine at that moment, these things happened at the same time: Anna responding to Mr. Musical Director on my behalf and said, “Not yet”, Mr. Musical Director trying to apologize by saying “Sorry I wasn’t sure…”, another male greeter asking me the length of our marriage, and me saying to Mr. Musical Director, “It’s okay… Just walk away right now”. That was very chaotic. So finally, Mr. Musical Director said, “I am walking away now… and by the way, I like your top”. Ha… poor guy. Probably really didn’t know why he got into trouble.
Anna kept on talking about things and at that moment, I just wanted to her walk away so I didn’t have to be subjected to hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” another 50 times. When my pastor walked up to me to say “Welcome back”, Anna said, “I heard you guys are expecting number three?” I was totally caught off guard. I knew that my pastor’s wife struggled to conceive her second child for about two years, so I am not surprised to know that they started trying again for number three so early as her daughter is only 18 months. I kind of understand why she would want to start sooner rather than later because of her struggles. I am glad for her that she didn’t have to struggle this time anymore… But it still stung to hear a pregnancy announcement after being subjected to “Happy Mother’s Day” fifty times. My pastor knows about our struggles and he seemed a little embarrassed that he wasn’t the one who broke the news to us. Because of these moments, I felt very overwhelmed that morning. I was glad that the rest of the service was uneventful, but it was really a bit much to be fighting jet lag and fending for myself on this holiday.
But really, other than that incident at church, I was feeling fine on Mother’s Day. I was happy to be worshipping after not going to church for four Sundays. I was happy to celebrate my mother who has been so selfless and has helped us so much in our life. I am happy for this change, although I couldn’t help but think about the few women at church who struggled with infertility last Mother’s Day. One is Anna who is going to give birth in August. Another one just gave birth. The last one has a 5-month-old adopted child. I am the only one (or I feel like the only one) being left behind.
I don’t know about you. That’s not a very good feeling. I know that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others. But I do feel like I am in this silent club that nobody wants to be in and everyone wants to leave. I am the only one left in the club. I don’t really want anyone to join me because I don’t really want anyone to be miserable. But it’s a lonely feeling.
*****
I love my mom, but sometimes she’s oblivious about my feelings. My cousin’s wife, who just got married last October, is going to give birth in September. My mother happily showed me baby sweaters that she knitted the morning after I came back from Hong Kong. I squeezed out a half smile and didn’t tell her how I felt. I didn’t think that she’d understand so I didn’t say anything. Deep down I want my mom to make ME baby clothes, not for someone else. Bob was upset with me that I wasn’t being clear to my mom that I didn’t want to see baby clothes she made for others. When my mom showed me another set of baby sweater that she is currently knitting, I still didn’t say anything. Bob this time was really mad at me for not standing up for myself. I know I have a problem with being frank with my mom. I admit that I really don’t know how to tell her my true feelings regarding this.
*****
Baby shower and baby party.
Anna again. I received an evite for Anna’s baby shower when I was still in India. I can’t tell you the last time I went to a baby shower. I haven’t been able to say yes to invitations. After I chatted with Anna the previous time, feeling okay standing next to her and her big belly, I told Bob that I thought I could consider going to her baby shower. I still think that I can go. But I don’t know if I can stand being there the whole time watching people going OOO and AHHH over cute baby clothes and items.
When I came home, I also received an invitation in the mail to attend my infertile pregnant friend’s baby party. My infertile pregnant friend is obvious not pregnant anymore. She gave birth about three months ago. It’s a tradition for Chinese grandparents to throw a baby their 100-day party called Red Egg and Ginger Party. I haven’t seen her or her husband in a very long time… and haven’t obviously met her baby. I don’t mind seeing them, so I don’t mind going to the party. I looked closely at the date. It’s going to be the same day and almost the same time as Anna’s baby shower. What a coincidence. It dawned on me that it provides me a way out of Anna’s baby shower. The baby shower starts at 12 noon. The red egg and ginger party starts at 12:30 about 30 minutes away. I can attend Anna’s baby shower for 30 minutes, take off at 12:30, and drive over to the red egg and ginger party being 30 minutes late. I have enough excuses to not to go both parties for the whole duration. It’s the best of both worlds.
Because of these friends, I found myself going to the baby section at Tar.get and bought them both gifts. This was the first time in a really long time that I stepped anywhere close to the baby section at Tar.get. It’s a step towards the right direction for my emotional health. Don’t you think?
*****
The next step.
What is the next step? I still don’t know. I emailed Dr. E, my RE, on our last day in India. I asked her what she thought the next step would be given what she has learned in the four cycles that I did with her. She said that she’d like to do an ultrasound and day two FSH and estradiol in order to tell me what she recommends. In the last four cycles, we have tried four vials of Menopur a day and Femara plus Menopur. We haven’t been able to get more than one embryo for each cycle. I am just a little tired of the same protocol and was hoping that she’d have something new to say. At this point, because of Bob’s loss of his job as well as the health insurance, we currently have Kai.ser which does not have any fertility coverage. We have to pay out of pocket for even blood test at a non-Kai.ser facility. So everything that we do will cost money from this point on. My period came after a disappointing 20-day cycle. I have a feeling I didn’t ovulate. However, it was hard for me to confirm because I didn’t do OPKs and my basal body temperature was all over the place due to international travel. I obliged and went for a blood draw on cycle day two. The results came back as follows: FSH was 14, but estradiol was 78. My RE thinks that we’ll have a viable embryo if our FSH is under 18 (historically my FSH has been around 18 when we have an embryo). However, the high estradiol (anything over 70) is suppressing the FSH and means that I will only have one egg for this cycle despite stimulation. Her recommendation is to wait for another cycle, but she could also put me on Femara if I decided to proceed. I asked why put me on Femara if I would only have one egg. She said that there is always a possibility for two eggs. I decided against proceeding, so we’re trying naturally this cycle.
I have contemplated a few possibilities for the next step.
1) Go with Dr. E again, pay $12400 for one egg and gamble all that money into buying a dream (and that amount does not include meds)
2) Go with Dr. Y in Southern California, buy a three-cycle package of mini/natural IVF, which means I’ll have to coordinate out-of-town monitoring, finding a local clinic/facility for ultrasound/blood draw, and risking disorganization and stress from working with a clinic really far away. Pros: the price of a 3-cycle package is the same as working with Dr. E for one cycle. Since I only make one egg each time, this seems to be the best option to continue trying my own egg without running out of money fast. However… I have to take time off work which I would if it’s absolutely necessary but it’s still not desirable.
3) Consult with Dr. Z locally, who last year suggested egg retrievals three times, freeze the eggs the first two times, thaw those eggs at the same time, ICSI them all, do CCS testing on them to find the normal ones, transfer one normal embryo at a time. Pros: it’s done locally. Cons: it’s going to cost over $35000. I would really like to know what he’ll recommend for protocol now knowing my history of being a poor responder to high stims and low stims.
4) Consult with an RE in New York who is known to think out of the box. Don’t know what he will recommend but am curious to know what he will say.
5) Go the donor egg route at this point so that we don’t have to save up money again if we use up all of our savings on trying my own eggs.
Just looking at the list makes me just want to run and hide. I admittedly have been in a rut with my thoughts. The fact that I went and got my blood work done is a big huge first step for me to get back into the game. I didn’t know that I would be so haunted by a transfer and the subsequent chemical pregnancy that thinking about the next step and starting from square one again would be so daunting. But I think that it is about time I start coming out of my cocoon. It has been three months since the pregnancy and the loss. My friend Jo has been gently nudging me daily to contact these other doctors for a second opinion. It’s about time I do that.
*****
I wrote about my client S’s mom here. She had been trying to conceive her number one and number two since eight years ago. She got pregnant at 40 after her second IVF and gave birth to S, my client. She had been trying for her second since then. She did a couple more IVF and didn’t get pregnant. Last July she found herself being pregnant naturally for the first time in her TTC life of seven years. It unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. Since then she decided to stop trying for a second baby. No more IVF. No more trying naturally. She totally quit.
I saw her on Friday and was so surprised to see her big belly! She said, I have something to tell you. And I said, I can see it now! I hugged her and almost burst into tears. I was so emotional about it. What happened was, she totally gave up trying. In January her period was late. She didn’t even test because it was impossible in her mind that she’d even get pregnant. So she didn’t test until much later.. Lo and behold. She was pregnant. This time she and her husband didn’t tell a single soul about her pregnancy. She was scared to death that this would go away. She hid it from everyone and silently went on her life. Today at age 44 and 23 weeks pregnant, she can breathe a sigh of relief that her baby boy is checked out okay on every single test, alive and healthy. I am just so happy for her beyond words. This is someone who has walked along side me in the past year because of the similarity of our journeys. She went through what I was going through. She understood exactly how I felt. I was heartbroken to see her struggles with her miscarriage last year. To see that she got pregnant naturally for the second time in her eight years of TTC history, I couldn’t help but be emotional and extremely ecstatic for her. There are miracles in life and she’s carrying one insider her. It tells me to never give up but to aim at my goal and see where it leads me.
Her nurse at Kai.ser told her, “We’ve only had one 44-year-old lady who could carry her pregnancy to term in this clinic’s history.” Isn’t that the most heartless thing you could say to somebody who has tried so hard to achieve a pregnancy in their 40s?
*****
Bob has had many phone interviews and some onsite interviews. He hasn’t gotten an offer yet. I feel that because of the stress of finding a job, we get into fights a lot more frequently. I really have to keep in mind that we’re in a stressful situation regardless of how much we want it to be stress-free. I have to remember to cut him some slack if he’s snappy or emotional about things. We need consistent prayers to ask for patience, total dependence, and protection over our marriage. We’re mostly good. I just don’t enjoy fights due to seemingly trivial matters.
*****
I think those are my thoughts so far. Thanks for reading until the end! You get an award for being patient and persistent. 🙂
