Vacation in our mini-honeymoon town was wonderful. The highlight was having full hot breakfasts delivered to our own room. The breakfast table was placed right in front of the bay window that looked out to the Pacific Ocean. We always had a fire going in the fireplace in the evening and in the morning. The weather was glorious; in the 60s and sunny every single day. We mostly did nothing. We walked around town, had long and quiet lunch, took naps, read books, and hung out during tea time at the bed and breakfast. It was almost everything that we had wanted.
Things were wonderful on Monday and Tuesday. On Christmas morning, things were also great before breakfast was served. I had been looking forward to it since the day before because the innkeeper promised that we would have our favorite breakfast at that B&B: stuffed French toast. I sat down at the breakfast table waiting for Bob to be done with his morning routine before we enjoyed the breakfast together. I opened Face.book on my phone. The first thing that popped on my newsfeed was a Christmas card that I had received from a church friend. When I paid closer attention to the words that she typed, my heart sank for a little. She wrote, “Merry Christmas from [her family’s last name]!” Then she listed her husband’s name, her name, her daughter’s name, her son’s name, and also “#3 coming in July”.
I overestimated myself. First, I never thought that I would see a pregnancy announcement from her for her number three, let alone on Christmas day. Second, I didn’t think that I would be emotionally affected by it so much. I thought I had become better with pregnancy announcements. Somehow, the combination of Christmas and her pregnancy announcement made it worse for me. It proved to be still tough for me, especially from someone who is carrying her third child. I tried to get better so that our Christmas would not be affected by someone else’s pregnancy news. I was trying to get over it before Bob came out from the bathroom so that my emotions would not affect his. Well, let me just say that things didn’t go the way I wanted. This was how it went down. Bob came out from the bathroom, upset that I got upset over the pregnancy announcement. I claimed that I was trying to get better. Then he told me not to go on Face.book for the rest of the trip. Being someone who does not like to be told what to do especially by my husband, I refused. That led to a little fight. Then he himself got upset that these friends kept on having babies while we struggle to have our first. I got more upset when he got upset. Vicious cycle.
When Bob and I fight, we usually get over it quickly and can enjoy the rest of the time within half an hour. This time it was no different. It was done not without a little tear on my part. I cry easily. We were able to salvage our Christmas day and went on to have a very good time going on a tour around town, learning about the history of the town. But, I hate for us to be in that state where we are so fragile and get so affected by people around us. Instead of holding onto God for healing and comfort, we fight each other. At first I thought that our vacation would have been perfect if we didn’t have this fight. I thought more about it. Instead of focusing on the ugliness of the fight, I want to focus on our weaknesses and God’s strength, our bond, and our commitment to each other as well as to our future children. Our vacation and the incident reflect where we are in our journey: we are weak but God makes us stronger and stronger. I hope that this incident helps us to see that relying on God is essential in our journey towards being parents. Avoiding pregnancy announcements may help us have our “perfect” vacation. But confronting our feelings will help us work towards emotional and spiritual healing that could bring total peace and joy for us in the end.
One interesting tidbit we learned on the tour is that the wife of one of the founding fathers of the town gave birth to her last child at age 44. It was this child that gave the family offspring and continuation of the family line as the other three children’s second generation all stopped having children. The docent of the tour was amazed at the “old age” of the lady when she gave birth. I couldn’t stop thinking about the friends that I have who gave birth at age 43 and 44 these past two years. I am only 4.5 years away from age 44, and I don’t even have any children at this point. It’s so hard for me to fathom that I am at the tail end of my fertility here. I am sure that no one else was paying attention to that one particular piece of information except for me who is waiting to become a mother for the first time.
The rest of the break has been great. I have been reading “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett and really happy that my friend has loaned me this book. I am still reading it but I love the story about the maids in the South and the white people that they served in the 1960s. My other source of entertainment is watching “Dow.nton Abb.ey” on my laptop. In the past few days my head has been mixing with the complex relationships in the South and those of the upper class and the servants in England at the turn of the last century. I really welcome this change of enjoying reading a book and watching some shows as well as sleeping in until 8:30 each morning.
On the TTC front, my body is not being cooperative. I started some mid-cycle spotting a few days ago. My RE thinks that it is ovulation bleeding. I wonder if the bleeding actually comes from the cyst. Needless to say, I am a little discouraged by it. I don’t know when I will ovulate so we’ll continue with our intimate sessions every other day until ovulation is confirmed.
Because of the UPS delivery problems, we didn’t get our Christmas gifts until after Christmas. Bob bought me one thing that I requested and another thing that he chose for me as a surprise. The surprise gift was a gray and yellow bag that he bought for me to use for hauling laptop and other things around, to replace the not-so-fashionable red tote that I have been using. Here is the gift that I requested:
“Hope” is what I have and what I want to continue to have on this journey. God continues to give me the hope that everything will work out in the end. This is just a little reminder for myself as I wear this pendant daily. As we enter into 2014 and the 25th month trying to conceive, I want to hold onto this hope that we will finally be able to experience the joy a child will bring to our lives.