Ever since I returned from the Maui trip, I had felt like I had a hard time getting back on my routines. We did have a mini “staycation” on Sunday when we did nothing. Not even going to church. I knew that it was a wise decision because I was still recovering from my cold so I just wanted to sleep in. Plus Mother’s Day and baby dedication at church were going to be too much for me to handle. Bob and I are usually greeters on the second Sunday of the month, which Mother’s day always falls on. For the last few years I put on a brave face and did my duty. It was usually okay. But this year was different. Ever since we were told that I may not ever get to carry my own baby, the idea of greeting on Mother’s Day at church became too much for me to handle. One way to show yourself some grace is to know our own limits. This time, I knew not to force myself. So my wonderful husband arranged for us to take a day off from church duties. We just chilled and rested at home. However, that was still not enough. My mid-night coughing from the postnasal drip and stuffy nose made it hard to sleep through the night. I had such a hard time waking up in the morning at my usual time for a few days. This fatigue carried on throughout the day. When my body was not feeling well, my mind was not in the right place. Life feels more grim when one does not feel well physically. I felt like I had a cloud hanging over my head because I knew that we had to eventually make a decision about our next steps. However, I didn’t have the mental capacity to think about the future.
My cold and cough had cleared up a great deal by Wednesday. That was when I started to think about our future. I was and am still feeling quite confused about this whole situation. There are many possibilities and it is hard to see how it will play out. What I didn’t write about a couple of weeks ago was that Dr. No Nonsense, my RE, contacted me by phone one night. It was quite late at night but he couldn’t get a hold of me during the day. Since I didn’t expect his phone call, I didn’t prepare myself with questions. It was unfortunately a short phone call. He said that there are no data to support that surgery makes a difference in pregnancy outcome. To him, Lupron does not hurt, so we could try Lupron for three months and attempt a transfer. When I asked about adenomyosis and the risks of pregnancy, he seemed to be annoyed that I had gone to Dr. E to get a second opinion. I forgot exactly what he said but that was the impression that I got. Then he told me that he had to go, but he promised to call me back the next day. That was more than two weeks ago. He never called me again. I started to get sick on that day and I didn’t have enough time and energy to track him down. So we haven’t talked since we left the conversation. After speaking to him, I felt more confused. So finally, Bob and I decided to try Lupron for three months and transfer, and at the same time look into surrogacy.
I wrote Dr. Gentle, my surgeon, about doing Lupron for three months and scheduling scans to check if the mass has shrunk in order to get ready for a transfer. Her email back to me made it sound like she does not approve of our plans of just using Lupron. This is her email:
“I would discuss this plan with your fertility specialist first to make sure they agree with it. Your MRI shows that you have a large fibroid or adenomyoma that has a large endometrial component. Most of your uterus appears abnormal. Even if it shrinks, it is very likely to continue to have a significant endometrial component. This would make your uterus ineligible for embryo transfer as it would increase your miscarriage rate. The Lupron would still be helpful in shrinking the fibroid and treating any adenomyosis, and it can help to facilitate surgery, but it is unlikely to render your uterine cavity normal. You may still try to conceive if your cavity is not normal, but most clinics will not do embryo transfers into an abnormal cavity.”
So does it mean that we shouldn’t even pursue a transfer into me? I am left even more confused than ever. I wrote Dr. E this really long email asking for her opinion since she should have received the CD that contained my MRI images. She wrote back quickly and said that she’d share her thought with me soon.
In the mean time, our donor is in the process of the cycle that is prior to ours. So hopefully it will be our turn soon. Dr. E did share with me that our donor’s most recent complete cycle had excellent results. All eight out of the eight blastcysts that were tested are all genetically normal. At least that’s a piece of good news for us.
I also feel good enough to start to learn about the surrogacy process from wonderful ladies in this community who are caring enough to share their knowledge with me. Lovely Dreaming Of Diapers spent so much time with me telling me about her experiences working with her sister as her gestational carrier. Another friend of a friend who had a ruptured uterus and loss her baby at 32 weeks is now expecting her baby via surrogate to be born in the next two weeks. She also spent a significant amount of time going over the steps, the process, and the cost with me. I am forever grateful for them because the more we know about the process, the more the mystery is lifted, and it does not seem like a huge beast anymore. My dear friend behind Dreaming of Diapers shared her wisdom with me, that if we go down this path, we will get tested, but it is totally worth it. She tells me to put one foot in front of the other then we’ll get there.
I hope that this coming week my body can feel 100% well so that my mind can be cleared up even more for making these important decisions. I have been praying for wisdom and a clear path to emerge. My hope is that with Dr. E’s opinion and Dr. NN’s opinion (if I can ever get a hold of him), we can move forward with whatever that we need to do to bring our baby home.