Final Tally of Blastocysts

I felt tremendous peace last night and this morning.  I knew that we were covered in prayers.  We prayed last night before bed and this morning when Bob woke up at 5:30am for his run.  We prayed for the embryos to grow well, and prayed for God’s perfect number of embryos.  The nervousness that I felt was almost all gone.  If it is in God’s plan for us to have just those three embryos, I choose to be grateful and joyful about it.  If His plan is for us to have more, He will provide.  This peace enabled me to sleep through the night.  God is amazing and prayers are amazing.

Usually Dr. E would write me between 10am and 12pm.  I was in and out of my office the whole morning.  Every hour I came back to check my email, there would be nothing.  After my last client in the morning, I came back to my desk at noon and gmail still had no new message.  Suddenly Dr. E’s email popped up.  The title said, “Today’s report :)”.  I like anything that Dr. E wrote with a smiley face.  She said, “Another 3 beauties today, maybe 4!  Total 6-7 beautiful blasts.  Exciting!!”

What a relief!  The attached fertilization report showed that on day 6 (today) at 6:21am, there were one 5AB and two 5BBs.  There were also four 3CCs and one 2BB-.  I don’t quite know what that minus means.  It seemed to me like the lab would check on the lesser grade blastocysts to see if they would grow more.

Later this afternoon, Dr. E’s email confirmed that we have a total of three embryos biopsied and frozen today.  That brings the tally to a total of six blastocysts.  She said this about the rest of the embryos: “The others were not viable i.e. no chance for pregnancy.  The cells stopped growing and dividing when they checked again this afternoon.”

Praise the Lord that we have three additional ones!

The PGS testing results will be available in a week.  I emailed Dr. E to tell her that I would prefer not to know the gender of the embryos.  She said that she doesn’t tell the gender, that’s why she would like to meet with patients to go over the results if that’s possible.  She is so nice.  Her assistant said that the clinic typically doesn’t see patients on Friday afternoon, but Dr. E was happy to make an exception for me.  So next Friday September 16 in the afternoon we’ll find out how many of our embryos are normal.

I know that we don’t have as many blastocysts as our donor’s previous cycles, but I am super grateful for us to have these six to work with.  I am hopeful that some of these are normal and one or two of them will become our future child(ren).

We have Penny, Quentin, and Ruby joining us.  A total of six.  This is such a milestone that is worth celebrating!

P.s. I vetoed Bob’s suggestion of naming our “P” embryo “Pringles”.

MicroblogMondays: 7DP5DT, AKA Half Way Done

Microblog_Mondays

Life is good, although I am in the middle of an extra long, longer-than-two-week two week wait.

Ever since Lucy came home, I have been feeling happy, calm, at peace, and ridiculously optimistic.  It’s not that I have any psychic ability to know that I am pregnant.  It’s just that I have decided to live these two weeks with an expectation of being pregnant and staying pregnant.  I am determined to keep this attitude all the way until beta day.  I choose to believe in God’s power to make the impossible possible.  Plus, there is a good chance that I could be pregnant, so why not stick with this attitude for now until we see the results?  I am very thankful that God answers my prayers by keeping me so calm and at peace.

I chat with Lucy daily.  I wake up in the morning praying.  Then I put my hands on my tummy forming a heart shape with my fingers.  I talk to Lucy about where it should be, hatching, finding a site to attach, start to implant, and now just basically to grow and grow and divide, and grow some more.  We are a team of two, traveling together, doing everything together.  Whenever there is a new experience, I share with Lucy about it.  You would hear me mumble sentences like, “This is your first yoga class”, or “Oh this is your first time meeting Auntie Q”.  When we went grocery shopping over the weekend, I was walking to another produce store by myself while Bob went to the car, mumbling this to Lucy, “We come here a lot although it’s 15 minutes away from home because you just park the car and walk to Tra.der Joe’s, produce market, drugstore, the bank… When you are born, we’ll wear you on us or we’ll put you in a stroller, but we will come back here all the time.”  During the Sunday sermon, I wrote in my notebook, “Lucy’s first sermon”.  I am loving this period of time of visualizing this little embryo having a chance at life.  You know how they say that distractions are the best during the two-week wait.  I am doing the exact opposite.  I am constantly and deliberately including Lucy in my daily activities.  I am glad that this approach has been working out for me so far.

This attitude spills over to Bob who is also ultra positive this time.  He has definitely been affected by my attitude.  Bob goes to bed placing his hand on my tummy, saying good night to Lucy.  In the morning, he does the same thing.  When I leave for work, we have group hugs for our little family of three.  He sends me G.chat messages and asks “How’s Lucy?”  This has created a very nice and positive environment for Lucy to grow and grow.  I am assuming that it’s growing and growing.

Physically I am not feeling much.  And I know I am  not supposed to feel much.  I went to see my acupuncturist on Friday.  She commented on my pulse, saying that it was nice and strong.  She mentioned that the kidney energy and the earth energy were both strong.  And those are the energies that are important to fertility.  On Sunday, I felt this tugging sensation on my lower abdomen repeatedly all morning and on and off the rest of the day.  I usually don’t attribute any physical sensation to a pregnancy, but I am taking a different approach this time.  I am assuming that this pulsating and tugging sensation has to do with the hormones from a pregnancy.  Whether or not it’s true, I don’t know.  But I am going to keep a uniform line of thinking here for the rest of the wait.

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked Bob about us having a baby for the first time since we got married.  Honestly, I was surprised that it took her so long to ask.  She told Bob that it’d be too late if we waited because we are getting old.  I wasn’t actually offended by her.  I am glad that she cares and actually wants a grand child.  Yesterday during their Sky.pe session, she once again asked for a baby and said something that really blew my mind.  She said that the stars are aligning for Bob and something good in terms of fertility would happen to us in September or October.  My mother-in-law studies astrology.  You know me, as a Christian, I don’t believe in fortune telling, psychic, or anything that predicts the future.  It makes me extra uncomfortable.  If she is right, then it is just going to be a beautiful coincidence that will change our lives forever.  I sure hope that this coincidence will happen and we have one more good story to tell in our lives.

Sometimes I do get this anxious feeling.  But I’d say it happens about 5% of the time.  Majority of the time I am full of happiness and gratitude.  A friend from bible study studied my face and said that I have a lightness that she hasn’t seen since my journey started.  I am glad it shows, and it means that I am not forcing it.  I know that there is a possibility that this doesn’t work.  I know that I will be able to sort through the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation.  I am just determined not to live it twice if I don’t have to.

Seven more days to go.  I can’t wait to see a fantastic beta number!

Lucy Joins the Family

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving yesterday.

Waiting for phone calls from your fertility clinic is very hard.  Unfortunately, so many of us know how that feels.

Before our phone call yesterday, I was mostly calm.  In my mind, I was thinking for sure that we’d have one or two, or even three day six blastocysts to freeze given the number of early blastocysts the day before.  Well, that was my human way of thinking.  We waited all morning.  We continued our Thanksgiving tradition of going to a South American breakfast place for Bob’s chilaquiles and for my beef soup.  I kept my phone in sight throughout that time including during our wait at a very noisy coffee place for my hot chocolate and Bob’s coffee.  With my hands full, I still tucked my phone in the purse where it was easily accessible.  The phone call came when we just pulled into the driveway.

A very nice nurse told us that we had one embryo that had grown to day six and had become a blastocyst with a grade of 4BB.  Four means it was almost hatching.  She said the other two Bs are good grades.  So this is it.  Our expectation/wishful thinking/hope that we would have two, or three, or even four more embryos was crushed.  I didn’t ask more questions. I didn’t ask which embryo on day three this blastocyst came from.  It didn’t matter anymore.  I felt that the less I know the better.  The nurse asked if I had made an appointment with my RE to go over the next steps.  I told her that we had transferred an early blastocyst the day before.  She said, “Oh that’s excellent!  Early blastocysts are great!”  I appreciated her enthusiasm.

You know me.  I always try to be honest when I am here writing about my thoughts and feelings.  I was disappointed.  With ten eggs, the statistics from our donor’s past cycles told me that we would have about three to four, if not five embryos at the end of this process, especially with 100% fertilization.  I really did not expect to have a total of two embryos in the end.  But I did not fight my disappointment.  My friend L told me that the more I fight it, the more the disappointment will grow.  So I was acknowledging my disappointment and had to process my feelings for the rest of the afternoon.

About 30 minutes after we got the news, I became grateful.  I was very grateful that little Lucy (our 4BB blastocyst) decided to join us.  I know that I could end up with nothing to freeze.  The fact that we have Lucy is a great reason to be thankful for.  We did end up with two blastocysts.  In my human being eyes, this might not have been the most ideal outcome.  In God’s eyes, this is the right number.  I have all along been praying for a perfect number of embryos.  I didn’t know what that would be.  I secretly had been hoping for a number four.  But I know that God doesn’t work that way.  In my human mind, the more blastocysts we have, the more insurance we have.  But God has His own mysterious way of working.  I was reading Psalm 139 and particularly verse 13.  It says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  God knitted us a long time ago.  He had planned and knitted my baby a long time ago.  Verse 16: “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Who is to say that Kevin, the little embryo inside of me now, is not the one baby that God has planned for us a long time ago?  And who is to say that Lucy, the little frozen blastocyst, is not going to be the sibling for Kevin?  He saw my child’s unformed body and ordained all the days for him/her.  Like I said, God works in mysterious way that we don’t always understand.  Kevin could be that child.  Lucy could be that child.  I myself am trying really hard to wrap my mind around it.  Maybe this is God’s way of telling us that those two embryos are enough for you.  You don’t need more, and you don’t have to look further.  And if this works out, we don’t have to worry about donating our unused embryos.

I really don’t know which way it will go.  But I am trying really hard to trust.

I also have my weak moments.  Later in the afternoon, Bob was showing me a funny video of one of my favorite kiddos taking a flu shot.  She was so brave.  I had watched that video quite a few times already.  However, yesterday afternoon, something triggered in me.  Watching her being brave and smiling after the flu shot, I suddenly started crying.  All I was thinking that was I want one of those myself.  I want to document my child’s happy, sad, triumphant, and naughty moments.  I want to share in the joy of parenting, figuring things out ourselves, fail and be successful together as parents.  I don’t know why, but the fact that 1) Kevin was an early blastocyst who was probably only a little bit more advanced than the other early blastocysts in the bunch, and 2) the other early blastocysts except for Lucy did not make it make me deduce that maybe Kevin is not strong enough in my uterus either.  Maybe if Kevin was left there to be grown to day six, he wouldn’t grow either.  Maybe Kevin was not chromosomally normal.  Maybe maybe maybe.  See how my human mind works?  I try to embrace Kevin, but I sometimes feel that this may not work.  And then I worry that if Lucy doesn’t work either, then we’ll have to go back to choosing a donor again.  My mind is messed up.

Fortunately, my mind is not messed up all the time.  I talk to Kevin all the time.  I imagine the embryo finding a cozy spot in my uterus to land.  I imagine Kevin attaching to my uterus.  I imagine Kevin growing and growing and growing.  I imagine it to be strong.  I imagine it to become a little baby that would grow inside me.  I am really trying my best to trust that this embryo is going to become my baby.  I ask God to protect it, nourish it, and keep it nice and safe inside of me.

Bob is like me as well.  He also vacillates between being hopeful and feeling doomed.  Last night right before we went to my brother’s house for our thanksgiving dinner, Bob became utterly frustrated and angry with God that we didn’t have more embryos and that we had already spent so much money and ended up with less than stellar performance with frozen donor eggs.  It hurt him to see me be sad and cry in the afternoon.  And it took him four hours to process that and become angry.  But then, we also should not dismiss what Kevin can do here.  Kevin can still be alive and well and thriving.  Bob went to bed last night telling Kevin to stay put and grow.  This morning he woke up telling Kevin to be cozy and snuggle up inside mommy.

The two week wait is very tough.  I don’t feel anything physically.  I know that I am not supposed to feel anything physically.  Today is two days past.  We still have ten more days to go.  I know regardless of how I feel, these days will pass.  So I will continue to pray for God to sustain this life that is inside me, for it to attach, to grow, to be well nourished.

And welcome Lucy!  We love you and Kevin already.

IVF #3, First Scan

I’m grateful that Bob could come with me today for my first scan for IVF #3.  It’s a lot nicer to receive good new, bad news, or any kind of news together with your partner in crime.  Well, I have to say that the news was neither good nor bad.  I really didn’t have an expectation going in.  Last cycle I had five or six antral follicles so I was very nervous whether they were growing evenly or not.  This cycle since my antral follicle count was so low that Dr. E didn’t even give me a number, I really didn’t know what to expect.  So I did not expect anything.  My biggest fear before today was that none of the follicles were growing.  That’s kind of silly because I usually ovulate on my own so there should be at least one follicle, right?  Dr. E was her usual cheerful self.  She first searched in my right ovary and commented that my ovaries looked a lot better today than at the last scan when she didn’t show me the screen or tell me the count.  Then her face was beaming with a big smile when she found a 10mm follicle.  There might have been a smaller one in the same ovary.  There also might be a couple small ones on the left side.  That was the result of five days of 3 Femara daily, with Omnitrope every other day, and two vials of Menopur for the last two nights.  Our next step is to continue with two vials of Menopur for the next two nights and go back for a scan on Monday.  Our goal has indeed shifted this cycle.  All we want is to have more than one mature egg.  There were four eggs last cycle but only one was mature.  The interesting thing is that the one egg that fertilized and divided better was one of the immature ones.  Dr. E said that if she pumped me with high dose of medications now, she would expect the follicles to shrivel rather than to grow.  So she wants to whisper to the ovaries some more and encourage the follicles to grow steadily.

How do I feel?  I feel okay.  Of course I want more follicles.  But knowing my body and the egg quality in the last two cycles, I need to shift my focus and pray for a couple of fat eggs, just like what Aramis has commented in the last post.  That’s all I want.  After failing the last cycle without any embryos that would grow beyond day three, it almost seems like a miracle to have an embryo better than six cell on day three.  And having four follicles doesn’t not equate to four mature eggs, which does not equate to four embryos.  Praying and hoping for one or two nice mature eggs seems to be a good goal to have.

Regardless of the outcome, we will proceed with transfer this time.  If we get a couple of good embryos on day three, we may just transfer them on day three and see what happens.  If they look very good, we may wait until day five to see if they turn into blastocysts and transfer them with Clay, our frozen blastocyst.  Dr. E said that we should totally transfer the frozen blastocyst unless I feel so sick after the retrieval that a transfer is not advisable.  With the quality of the embryo, she predicts that it’ll have a 90% chance of thawing successfully.  So friends, we’ll finally proceed to a transfer this cycle.  I am both nervous and excited about that.  I hope that my lining will be as good as last cycle’s.

Compared to people with many follicles, many eggs, and many embryos, my chances of getting pregnant seem so slim.  I have been doing a lot better with my jealousy though.  I am truly happy for my friends who have many follicles, many eggs, and many embryos.  I have been cheering them on and genuinely celebrating their pregnancies.  As for myself, I still keep the faith that it only takes one.  God will make it possible if it is in His will.  Total trust and submission.  Not easy to do but I am trying my best every single day.  I’m grateful that my partner in crime also has the same faith that it will happen.  Now let’s focus on having a couple of nice fat juicy eggs that could be our key to our take home baby.

We just handed over a check with an amount that was enough to buy a nice used car.  I surely hope that it’s not all for naught.

Trip to RE and answers

My RE’s visit went well today.  Traffic wasn’t bad.  There were a few slow downs but no biggie.  When I passed by the fertility clinic where we did our retrieval, it was so surreal to know that we were here three weeks ago.. and my potential future baby was so close by.

Dr. E must have been busy.  I got there early and was seen 25 minutes after the appointment time.  This was the longest I ever had to wait for her.  But it’s okay.  I have waited for much much longer at my OB/GYN’s office.

I have my embryology report in my hand.  It is very interesting to decipher what everything means.  It recorded when Bob did his deeds, collection method (“Mast” was circled, I wonder what “Other” could mean), time of analysis, and the results.  So the count per ml was 60 million, and the “total mot” (I guess motility) was 79.2 million.   The post wash count was 42 million and the recovery rate was 47.7%.  According to Dr. E, everything looked great on the male side.  The report also tells the number of eggs collected, fertilized, and what happened to the fertilized eggs.  It is such a weird feeling to see the progression of things that unfolded on a piece of paper.  It’s so….. clinical, as compared to how emotional it was for us.  I am imagining at 6:11am on July 12, 2013, an embryologist was doing his/her job, looking at the embryos, and recording that two embryos didn’t quite do what they needed to do.  I am trying to imagine what went through his or her mind.  Probably not much since this is just a part of a job and there should be no emotional or sentimental value attached to any of these embryos.  However to Bob and me, these embryos were everything that we were putting our hope on.  It is also priceless for me to see the Roman numeral 2 and the two letters BB on paper.  This sequence of number and letters signify a dream that is still alive for the both of us.

The life of our embryos

The fate of our embryos

Here are the answers from Dr. E.   (I have put all the related questions together.)

How was my response to the protocol?  Would you rate it as bad, okay, good, or excellent for someone who has diminished ovarian reserve?  Compared to other people who has done a similar protocol with similar FSH, AFC, and AMH, how was my response?

Dr. E thinks that my response was fantastic for someone like me who has DOR.  She has had patients who had a couple of follicles, a couple of eggs, no eggs, no fertilization, or eggs fertilized but didn’t make it to anything transferrable.  She has even had patients who had 20 or 30 eggs but none fertilized.

How was the quality of the embryos from last cycle?  We had three fertilized eggs from the four that we retrieved.  We only got one embryo out of the three.  Is that an expected fertilization rate?  Regarding the one blastocyst that we have, does the slow progression of its growth indicate quality issue, implantation potential, neither, or both?

Dr. E thinks that it was a great fertilization rate for me, someone who has DOR.  Like the questions above, she has seen a variety of cases of no fertilization.  The fact that three fertilizing and one becoming a blastocyst is again “fantastic”, using her term.  In terms of the quality of the blastocyst, she said that 2BB is good, but not the best.  The slow progression of its growth could indicate a higher chance of chromosomal abnormality and a lower chance of implantation.  However, it does not mean that it won’t implant and it will be chromosomally abnormal.  She said that she has had a few patients with day six 2BB blastocysts that turned into real babies.  Some of them are walking and running around.  So anything is possible.  For me specifically, this blastocyst has a 30% rate of implantation.  I’ll take 30%.  It is much much better than the 1% and the 5% that I previously got.

How soon do you recommend starting a new cycle?  What will be a good indicator (in terms of FSH and AFC) for starting a new cycle?

We’ll start our new cycle when AF comes next time.  I’ll call the office about 7 days past ovulation to schedule an ultrasound.  At that time, we’ll look at my resting follicles and check the status of the ovaries (hopefully Rekka is not going to be reborn).  If the AFC is about similar as last time, we’ll proceed with the cycle.

What protocol would you recommend?  The same one?  A modified one?  A totally different one?  What is the reason for keeping the same/modifying/doing a different one?  How can we do better next time so that we get more eggs and embryos?

Based on my response from the last cycle, Dr. E is most likely going to do a “hybrid” protocol.  She wants me to be put on oral meds as well as injectables.  Her choice of oral meds would be Femara.  I’ll still be on Menopur but it will be cut down to 150 IU rather than 300 IU.  She thinks that she could cut down on the meds and could still grow similar number of follicles and eggs.  She thinks that this hybrid combo might give me even more follicles.  Of course, we don’t know what will actually happen.  I might have only one to two follicles with the new protocol.  It will definitely save us some money on the medications since we’ll have to pay out of pocket from this point on.  It seems like what she intends to do is somewhere between mini-IVF and conventional IVF.

When do you recommend transferring the blastocyst?  Do you recommend transferring it during a fresh cycle with other embryos or just transferring it by itself?

This part is interesting.  She recommends thawing the blastocyst when we do our fresh cycle transfer next time.  This will ensure that we’ll have something to transfer even if we don’t end up having more embryos.  If we do get some embryos, she would still recommend transferring the frozen embryo with the other embryos that we may have.  If we have more than a couple, then we’ll freeze new ones for subsequent cycles.  She also said that since now that we know that we can grow blastocyst with my eggs, she may even recommend transferring a morula on day five since it may really grow in my uterus.

In your honest opinion, should we go with Dr. Y for mini or natural IVF if we only get one embryo every time we do a cycle?  Financially and in terms of the amount of medication used, would that be a more reasonable option for us?

Dr. E thinks that we still have a shot at getting more embryos using her protocol.  We’ll do it cycle by cycle and see what we get.  She does think that going to Dr. Y is more cost effective.  Her new protocol for me is between Dr. Y’s minimal approach and conventional IVF’s high stimulation approach.  If we go with Dr. Y, it is most likely that we’ll get one embryo at each round that we’ll try to grow to a blastocyst.  I am now gambling that we may get more embryos this coming round.

How does the Attain Program work?  With DOR, do we qualify for the plan?  Or because of my FSH, do we have to pay for each cycle?

Dr. E does not participate in Attain but does participate in ARC Fertility.  She does not know the answer to my questions regarding finances.  ARC offers one, two, three cycle plans but it tells no details about pricing online.  I will have to call the ARC number to find out more.  I will also have to talk to Dr. E’s financial person regarding finishing up using the insurance money.  Since we have insurance coverage for monitoring ultrasounds and labs, we should not have to pay the package price.  Dr. E’s financial person was off today so I’ll have to call her at another time.

There you have it.  At this point, we have decided to go with Dr. E for another cycle.  We’ll take it one step at a time.  I’m thankful that we have a doctor who is no nonsense and does not sugarcoat things.  Who knows?  We may end up with a baby or two???

Off cycle and Clay

It has been a nice break.

But… it’s time to put the thinking cap back on.  I didn’t know I could be such a good procrastinator.  So I forced myself to make an appointment with Dr. E.  It is scheduled for next Thursday.  I was reluctant to cancel my kids at work.  It just so happens that my 10am kiddo and 11am kiddo both cannot make it next Thursday.  Dr. E happens to have availability at 11am.  Perfect.  I go in to see my 9am appointment, hop in my car to drive across the bay, and hope that the morning commute traffic will have died down already.  The appointment most likely will take 30 minutes.  I then can hop back in the car and make it in time for my 2pm kiddo.  It will be a little tight but I will make it happen.  Bob’s work has been so busy that it is not possible for him to take time off to go with me.  It is still important for him to listen in so we’ll just have to settle for a call-in with speaker phone at Dr. E’s office during the appointment.  

Today is CD3.  I freaked out on CD1 thinking that I would have to go in for a baseline scan the next day.  Frankly I was really not ready for another cycle.  I hadn’t asked my questions!  I freaked and freaked and finally wrote Dr. E.  She is so nice.  She responded to my rambling, incoherent message promptly with the following:

“I would take this month off completely from treatment

so there really isn’t any rush at all

Please call the office and we can review the past cycle embryology report and make future plans

talk soon :)”

Yay!  If the expert says there is no rush, who am I to rush into another cycle?  I got the approval for procrastinating for another month!  A heavy weight got lifted off my shoulders instantly.  I don’t know why I am so not ready for the next cycle.  I just… am not.  Maybe it’s because of the insurance money that is dwindling so I feel that we have to be very careful with how we spend it as the next round we’ll have to start using our savings.  Maybe I am a little fearful of another round of unknowns and emotional ups and downs and want to delay it as much as possible.  I just know that I am in a happy place as I got the approval to try things out the old fashioned way this month.  So I am back to taking my BBT at 5:25am, popping all the supplements three times a day, planning a Maya abdominal massage for next week, and being stuck with needles at my acupuncturist’s.

I feel like I have the best providers.  My acupuncturist Dr. K sent me  a message on the day of our failed day five transfer that she had been thinking about me all day.  She told me not to lose hope and for me to call her if I needed anything.  Yesterday when I resumed my sessions with her for the first time since the IVF cycle, she came into the therapy room, gave me a huge smile, and hugged me.  It feels so good to be cared for.  

Dr. K has quite a few patients who actually commute to SoCal to cycle with Dr. Y.  The feedback that she got from all these patients is that at Dr. Y’s clinic, I will never get the highly personalized care that I currently get at my current RE’s.  You get to see Dr. Y once for the consultation.  For out-of-town patients, you contact the clinic for any questions and the clinic contacts you for all the needed paperwork and labs.  Apparently every time the phone call is picked up or made by someone different from the last time.  You don’t get the same coordinator or person in charge of your case.  If you have a question for Dr. Y, you get onto his call list and he will make sure he calls you by the end of the day, most likely around 8 or 9pm PST.  In another word, do not expect to do what I do right now, which is to email Dr. E or any of her staff and get an answer from the doctor herself immediately.  I am truly spoiled.  Don’t get me wrong.  Dr. Y’s clinic is still highly organized.  But the personal touch might not be there.  So again, there is a lot to consider here.

I think about my frozen embryo daily.  I wonder what it all means to have a little fighter that had hung on until the end.  I wonder if this embryo will actually become a baby.  We have a nickname for this embryo: Clay.  It came from my sister-in-law who thinks that this fighter should be called Muhammad Ali.  I told Bob what she said and Bob quickly said, We should name him Clay, which is Muhammad Ali’s last name.  I love it!  It has been known as “Clay” ever since the day it became a blastocyst.  Maybe if Clay really becomes a real baby boy, Clay could be his real name?  One can dream and hope, right?  I wonder what God has planned for us.

Our little fighter, albeit a little slow

Uhh…. friends, I don’t think I can handle the emotional roller coaster anymore.   But what we learned this morning makes this journey worthwhile.  This is my RE’s email sent at 7:07am:

“great update this morning.  the embryo is a 2bb this morning.  it will be frozen for you later today and will meet criteria to freeze as it definitely has pregnancy potential.  any questions, please ask”

 
What what what what what??!!??  This little embryo has been stalling and then growing and then stalling and now growing again?!?  This is a miracle to me.
 
 
Bob last night said that since we got good news every other day, maybe we’d get good news today.  I wasn’t as optimistic.  I was really ready to move on from this cycle.
 
 
This tells you that IVF is just a highly unpredictable beast.  Anything could happen.
 
 
I already love this embryo.  I think it really wants to make it to the world.  It keeps on fighting.  Its journey has not ended.  I really would love to meet him/her one day.  He/she is like the daddy already, a fighter but a little slow.
 
 
In the mean time, we will sit tight and see what happens in the next cycle or so.
 
 
Thank you so much for all of your comments, hugs, and support.  They warm my heart and pulled me back from a dark place.
 
 
This is the best outcome I could hope for for this cycle.  The Lord has His agenda.