I scared Myself – BCP and Lupr.on

I was put on birth control pills the first time in my life back in May when I was bleeding nonstop after my failed IVF transfer.  The pills were actually for controlling my bleeding.  But it didn’t seem to work well because I was still bleeding on and off.  What I didn’t know was that I needed to be more regimented about the time that I took the pills.  I set an alarm for the time daily but I was very casual about it.  Sometimes I would be half an hour, one hour, or even two hours late.  I didn’t know that it would cause fluctuation in the hormonal levels which would cause spotting or bleeding.  I was kept on the pills after my hysteroscopy because we were going to choose a donor.  So I was on the pills from May until September when we discovered that our donor had disappeared.  Now that we are going to do a cycle in November, I was put back on the pills to suppress my ovaries.

I feel a little bit powerless and clueless during this cycle.  I have never done a cycle when I just need to build my lining.  In my past, all of my transfer cycles were with a retrieval, so we relied on my natural lining.  I have no prior knowledge about a medicated transfer cycle where you have to build the lining using meds.  Hence, I feel a little bit uncomfortable because if things don’t go according to plan, my prior knowledge won’t save me or comfort me.  All I know is that I am instructed to start Lupr.on on Monday October 26th, take my last birth control pill on Halloween October 31, and expect AF to come the days after.

Since I don’t know how everything works, I have been very good with taking my birth control pill right on the dot every single day.  I am very afraid of spotting or bleeding prematurely because I don’t want to cause any unexpected event that could delay the cycle.  I have set my alarm for 7:35am for my daily dose.  I had been so good until this past Sunday.  I slept in until 8:05.  When I looked at my emails at 8:13, my reminder email alarmed me that I had been over 30 minutes late for my pill!  I quickly took it and was hoping and praying that the delay wouldn’t affect anything.

Came Monday morning.  I wiped and saw a tiny little pink.  I panicked.  My mind was full of What if my period comes right now does it affect anything do I have to delay my cycle oh my goodness what should I do should I call my nurse right now no maybe I should just email her or maybe I should consult with my friend Jane who knows about these things.  I was going crazy!

See the stress?  I think not having done this before has made this cycle a little more stressful for me.  I truly do not understand how controlling the meds to build the lining actually works.  I just do not want another delay because of stupid AF.

What is a girl to do?  Well, the crazy me went to the bathroom exponentially more times than usual.  I wiped and wiped and wiped.  Sometimes there was nothing.  Sometimes there was a bit more pink.  I had to wait for my nurse to write me back.  In the mean time, a little consultation with Jane eased my anxiety a little bit.  She said that sometimes even an hour of difference in the timing of taking the pill can trigger a little spotting.  She told me that as long as I start Lupr.on before full flow, I should be okay.  But she told me to check with my nurse.

While waiting for my nurse to write me back, I continued my paranoia about having a full flow because I really wasn’t sure if I was supposed to have full flow before I could start Lup.ron.  I was wishing and wishing that AF wouldn’t come until after that night.  Good thing my nurse finally wrote me back.  Otherwise I would have gone crazy.  She said spotting or even full flow would be fine.  If full flow did come, she might have to adjust the dosage of the estrogen patch in the future.  So we are all good.  The cycle goes on as planned.

Phew.  I blame my paranoia on my ignorance of how a medicated transfer works.  But I also blame it on my lack of faith in this process.  I really need to learn how to chill and trust.

Guess what?  After scaring myself about it, I am still just wiping with some pink on and off.  Full flow never came.  So maybe Jane was right about the fluctuation of my hormones because of that one delayed administration.  I scared myself for nothing.

Then last night, our preparation for this donor egg cycle officially began.  There was a little accident though.  I was standing up while opening the vial of Lupr.on and it slipped out of my hand.  It dropped to my hardwood floor.  The big THUD made my heart jump.  Upon quick inspection, I was relieved to see that there was no crack on the vial.  I couldn’t believe that my hands almost shattered $190…… Can you imagine the vial breaking and cracking in front of my eyes???  Praise the Lord that it didn’t happen.

The injection was uneventful.  As usual, Bob drew the liquid.  I injected.  That tiny needle didn’t even sting me.  However, I shudder at the thought of Bob eventually having to jab me with a big needle of progesterone though.  I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  If you have any suggestions as to how to do PIO painlessly, please let me know.

MicroblogMondays: Remembering Our Due Date – Year Two


Right now is Sunday evening, my usual time to think about what to write for my Monday post.  This thought of writing about our due date has been in the back of my mind.  If our brief pregnancy with Clay and/or Eli (the two embryos that we transferred back in February 2014) had worked out, our due date would have been October 29, 2014.  I think about the pregnancy once in a while.  I haven’t been overly sad about it.  Tonight, Bob just asked if I was going to write a blog post.  I said Yes.  He asked about the topic.  I said, I want to write about the due date.  I don’t think he is as mindful about it as I am.  He asked me what it was.  I told him October 29.  About the same time as Turtle’s daughter AJ.   Earlier this evening, we just enjoyed looking at the cute photos of AJ’s first birthday on Fac.ebook.  He said, “Wow, if it had worked out, our baby would be turning one year old.”  Yes that’s right.  Then he went on to say, “Oh maybe our baby would refuse to put on his pajamas, just like T.”  T is our friends’ 9-month-old baby with whom we just visited and played yesterday.  We witnessed how he fought over putting pajamas on after his bath and found that to be the cutest thing.  All of a sudden, this vivid image was formed in my head, of something that would never materialize.  We would never be able to casually chat about this child who existed in my womb for a nano second, about how he/she loves to take a bath, giggles like crazy when we play peekaboo with him/her, or how juicy his/her thighs are.  This child would just be a passing thought, an idea that probably no one would ever remember, except me (and maybe some day Bob).  Even if we are blessed with another child following a successful donor egg cycle, there is still a very tender spot in my heart reserved for this child that we lost and what could have been with him/her.  I went from chatting and laughing with Bob, to suddenly having my eyes full of tears.  I hadn’t cried about the loss of my one and only pregnancy in a very long time.  Tonight feels very fitting to think about this life that was too short.  Tears kept streaming down.  Bob didn’t seem to know what to do.  He was afraid that it was something that he said.  I assured him that it had nothing to do with him.  It was about time I got emotional about it.  A long tight hug did make me feel better.  I haven’t forgotten.  The sadness is still there.  I think I will remember this baby for a really long time.

I look forward to one day when we will have a chance to share with our rainbow baby all about this sibling that we couldn’t bring to this world.

Transfer Date Has been Scheduled

After meeting with Dr. No Nonsense last Friday, I had an impression that we could schedule a transfer any day in November.  Since I will have a day off on November 11, I was imagining taking November 12 and 13 off, and transferring on Friday the 13th.  Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.  On Monday and Tuesday, my nurse and I were emailing back and forth.  She told me that November 13th is too close.  A more realistic date for the lab schedule and to have enough time to build my lining is November 24 or November 25.  That’s the week of Thanksgiving.  Of course it’s better to transfer earlier, but it just doesn’t sit well with me to take November 24 off for a transfer.  Do we take a day off also on November 25?  If so, then should we just take the whole week of Thanksgiving off?  Plus I have a prior engagement on November 24 that I could possibly get out of if necessary, but it’s not really necessary.  After talking back and forth with Bob, we decided to go for November 25.  My other consideration is that I need to find an acupuncturist that is willing to see me on the day before Thanksgiving.  I can no longer go to my usual acupuncturist since she moved to another city.  Or I can forgo acupuncture all together.

My nurse sent me a calendar so I have a better idea of what to do when.  The following will happen barring anything unexpected:

October 26 Start Lup.ron

October 31 Take last birth control pill

November 1 to November 5 Expect period to start

November 5 Call nurse if period does not start

November 6 Begin one estrogen patch

November 9 Remove old patch and apply one new one

November 12 Remove old patch and apply two new patches

November 15 Continue two new patches every three days

November 18 Remove old patches and apply four new patches

November 19 Lining check, Bob to sign consent

November 20 Projected date of thawing the eggs and fertilization, Bob to give sample

November 25 Estimated date of embryo transfer


I have Kais.er insurance, so whatever my clinic prescribes is not going to be covered my insurance.  I tried to get my new OB/GYN (my previous one left the practice) to prescribe some of these meds, especially the non-fertility ones.  She refused because she is not part of my care for this, but she said that she could write the script for progesterone once I get pregnant.  Well, it never hurts to ask, right?  Although the answer was No this time.

I was comparing prices of meds last week calling around different online pharmacies and the local Wal.greens specialty pharmacy.  I am surprised to find that Fre.edom is not the least expensive one.  The local Wal.greens specialty pharmacy is the most expensive.  For the one Lu.pron two-week kit, two vials of progesterone in oil (I need three but I have one in my posession), and the four boxes (8 patches each) of generic estrogen patches that I need, I save maybe $100 ordering from Av.ella Pharmacy.

I often check on goodrx.com to find discounts on drugs since I have to pay out of pocket.  I have successfully used the discount codes for many different drugs in the past, such as Medr.ol or Val.ium.  I have never done that for fertility drugs.  This time I found a discount coupon for the Lup.ron at the local Wal.greens specialty pharmacy.   Last week I physically went to check with the pharmacy staff if I could use the code for Lup.ron.  I explained to one of them that I had used these codes for other drugs, so I just wanted to know if this would work also for Lup.ron before I place an order.  All I got was a blank stare at first.  Then she went and asked another staff member.  Without even checking anything, this other lady told me that they would only take manufacturer’s coupon and nothing else, even for non-fertility drugs.  I know that what she said is not true because I have used the discount coupons from this website numerous times and it has worked every single time.  But there is no point of arguing.  I walked away knowing that it is not worth my time, effort, and money to try to get the discount to work.  I would be better off just ordering painlessly from an online pharmacy and having the meds delivered to me without me having to wait in line and argue about anything.

That’s what I did.  I placed an order for the medications yesterday.  They will be delivered to me tomorrow.  I will be ready to do an injection on Monday.  My first one in the last seven months.

What am I currently thinking and how am I feeling?

I am happy that we have an opportunity to have an embryo transfer before the end of the year.  I know that my chances are a lot higher now than when I was cycling with my own eggs.  The aspect of donor eggs is not a source of stress or anxiety at all.  I am not bothered by the fact that I need to use donor eggs.  I feel grateful that it is a choice for us.

But I have mixed emotions.  I feel that I should be more excited than I am right now.  I am hopeful.  But at the same time, I have these thoughts that things could go wrong at any step in this process.  I can tell you what goes through my mind.  Given my history of bleeding through birth control pills, I wonder if my menses would start before I take my last pill.  If that happens, does that throw things off?  What if my lining does not grow?  What if I don’t respond well to the estrogen patches?  What if the eggs don’t thaw well?  What if the eggs don’t fertilize well?  What if there is only one blastocyst?  What if there are no blastocysts?  What if we transfer one and it doesn’t work and we have nothing to freeze? What if, what if, what if.

Sometimes, I am scared to death that this won’t work.

The fear is definitely there and it is very real.  It’s not something that I can just brush aside.  Those of you who have been on your own fertility journey for a few years probably have similar feelings about this.  When things go smoothly, you can’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop.  So what have I been doing to counter these fears, what-ifs, and negative feelings?  I pray.  Every single morning on my drive to work, I barely listen to the radio.  I often turn it off when I turn onto a road where I can see Pacific Ocean.  And I pray.  I pray for the ladies in my bible study group.  Each one of them. I pray for Bob, for his leadership in his own bible study group, for his work, for our unity and harmony at home, and for my work.  I pray for those pregnant ladies in my blog world for their pregnancy to go well.  I pray for those that are still waiting to get pregnant.  Then I pray for myself.  I pray that the Lord will replace my fear with calmness, peace, and strength.  I pray that I will depend on Him every single step of the way.  I pray that whenever I am scared, He will remind me of His sovereignty and His perfect plan for us.  I pray that the Lord will give us the miracle that we have been waiting for.  And I pray for the perfect timing and the perfect number of embryos that are in His plan.  I need this daily.  And I do this daily.  As the time approaches the transfer, I am very sure that I need to submit myself to the Lord more than ever.  Even with these prayers, there are a few moments during the day that I am fearful of a failed cycle.  But I am always reminded by the Lord of His goodness.  No one knows what is going to happen except God.  And God is the only one who can give life.  Fretting over it is not going to help me.  So I need to focus on the present, and I am trying really hard to do that.  I sometimes recite this: “I am doing everything I can to get pregnant”.  The rest is really not up to me since I am not the one who has the control.

But let me tell you, despite being fearful at times and scared to death, I also did some other things that some may feel could jinx things for myself.  Once we picked a transfer date, I looked up our potential due date.  You didn’t read it wrong.  Yes I did.  I didn’t do it for the first transfer but my friend did for me.  I myself looked up the due date for my second transfer.  Now for this third transfer, I feel hopeful and know that looking up the due date is not going to jinx anything, if it is in God’s plan for us to get pregnant this time.  Another thing that I have been doing is to search for one piece of maternity clothes that I can buy and keep in my closet.  It’s something tangible to look forward to.  Something to remind me that it is very possible that I will be able to put that piece of clothing item on in the near future.  You know, maternity clothes I have seen so far in brick and mortar stores are hideous.  Last weekend I went to four places and did not see one piece of clothes that I like.  So I may have to go online and buy myself something.

So here we are.  A bit over a month from now I could have an embryo inside of me trying to implant.  I will continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully won’t go too crazy as the time gets closer!

MicroblogMondays: Cold-Hearted


A coworker caught me in the hallway and asked if I wanted to come to my former coworker’s “baby shower”.  I wrote about this former coworker here.  Her pregnancy announcement caught me by surprise as I knew that she was in the process of adoption after trying for a baby for a while.  I am not close to her, I was happy for her, but I did block her on Fac.ebook as she showed more and more of her baby bump photos.  Anyhow, the “baby shower” was actually going to consist of a dim sum lunch and then a Sk.ype session with the pregnant lady because she lives in another part of California.

This coworker does not know the exact details of our struggles, and I have never shared with her about our effort of making a baby.  But people in my office are nosy.  The year after we got married, I was repeatedly teased at work about having babies.  Since we have nothing to show for, nobody mentions about it anymore.  I am sure that it is a silent knowledge that we probably are struggling.  My response to my coworker was  “I don’t go to baby showers anymore”, to which she said, “I figured, but still wanted to extend the invitation so you would be included.”  She suggested that I could go to dim sum only and skip out on the Sk.ype session.  I declined by thanked her for thinking of me.

It is nice to have a say in declining a baby shower invitation because I was actually invited.  I think that many people think that since infertile people don’t often go to baby showers, they don’t want to be invited.  I don’t know about you, but I think it makes infertile people feel even more isolated.  It is nice to have the choice to decide if one wants to go.

I don’t think the baby shower will take place any time soon.  The following week after the baby shower invitation, another coworker shared with me that this former coworker, who was at the time 31-week pregnant, was having some problems and might give birth soon.  This coworker was feeling very bad for the pregnant lady.

Here comes the part where you may find me cold-hearted.  I did not feel bad for her.  My first reaction was that they would all survive, even if she had to give birth 31 weeks.  She will have her take-home baby. I sound cold.  And I was surprised by my lack of feelings.  For an acquaintance that had struggled with making a baby and finally got pregnant, I felt that I should have more feelings for her.  But I searched my heart, and I don’t.  I have been exposed to this world of infertility and have read over and over again other people who gave birth early and their struggles in the NICU.  I feel like I have spent all my energy on my infertile friends that I don’t have enough compassion and empathy to go around for other people that are remotely related to me.  Can one be desensitized about bad news in the baby world?  I think so.  I do not minimize the potential difficulties that my former coworker may face because from reading about my other friends, I know that her road to going home could be long.    But, again, I don’t feel bad for her.  Other coworkers do feel bad probably because they simply have not had as much exposure as I have for these kinds of things.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t make me feel good that I feel so cold-hearted.

The next day, former coworker did give birth to her baby at 31 weeks.  I was told that the baby is doing well as her weight is right where she should be and she breathed on her own for a little.  I am not a prophet, but I have confidence that this baby is going to be fine.

As for me, I have to release myself from this guilt of not feeling bad for my former coworker.  But I do know that being infertile for so long has changed my perspective on things in this world of making babies.  I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad thing.  Maybe you just can’t classify it as such.  This is my reality now.  Maybe I just have to let myself be.

Follow-Up Meeting with Dr. No Nonsense re: Frozen Eggs

The last time we saw Dr. No Nonsense, my RE, was July 27th.  We naively thought that since we picked a donor, everything would go according to plan.  That meeting was 2.5 months ago.  How things changed in 2.5 months.

When my nurse scheduled this follow-up appointment for me, I double-checked with her and later on with my billing person at my clinic that we would NOT be billed again for the visit as we had already paid for it back in July.  It’s better to be safe about these things and it doesn’t hurt to make sure so we won’t get any surprises.

Before the appointment, I had the hardest time coming up with questions.  I just felt that since we don’t have to stimulate anyone’s ovaries, it seems pretty straight forward.  I enlisted help from several friends and came up with a list of questions just this afternoon.  I figure that we don’t get a lot of face-to-face time with Dr. NN, so why not make good use of this time to ask him questions.

Bob worked from home so he could come join me for the 4pm appointment at the clinic.  The new clinic apparently has three different waiting areas so we were told to go sit in one of them.  Time kept ticking and there was no Dr. NN.  I only fed the meter until 5:12 and was hoping that he wouldn’t be too delayed.  A nurse walked by and asked if we were waiting for someone.  I told her that we had an appointment at 4pm with Dr. NN, to which she appeared confused and asked if it was a phone appointment instead.  I was more confused than she was.  She looked up and saw Dr. NN. He ensured her that we were his patients.  He greeted us warmly and told us on the way to his office that the nurse had squeezed us in between two other patients.

In his office, Dr. NN checked on the donor’s profile and history for a few minutes, got a piece of paper, and started his show and tell.  Here is what he scribbled:


Basically, he thinks that with 10 eggs, we should expect 9 to thaw, and 8 to fertilize.  We will transfer on day five.  He believes that in addition to the transfer, we should have embryos to freeze.  He said that it’s realistic to think that we may have three blastocysts to result from this batch of eggs.  He thinks that 10 eggs is a good number for a batch of frozen eggs rather than a batch of 6 or 7 eggs.

I asked him about the difference between frozen and fresh eggs in terms of quality of the embryos.  He said that there should not be any difference, but because a fresh cycle gives you many more eggs to work with, there is bound to be an embryo with AA quality.  For a frozen egg cycle, because the batch has fewer eggs, there could be  embryos anywhere between AA to BB, etc.  He said that right now it is really hard and unfair to compare frozen eggs vs. fresh eggs.  I should just look at the frozen eggs that I have and go from there.  I asked him how they determine which embryo to transfer, he said the best looking one.  I asked if blastocyst rate has to do with sperm or eggs.  He thinks that it doesn’t really have much to do with the sperm.  He explained that this is not exact science though.  They have seen that with the same donor, the blastocyst rate could go from 50% in one cycle, to 30% in the next, to 60% in the following one, then down to 18% in the fourth one.  So really, no one knows.

There is an over 50% of pregnancy rate with transferring one blastocyst.  With fresh, he used to tell me 70%.  But I didn’t ask him about this.  I think at this point, it doesn’t matter.  I just want to transfer and see what happens since we have already chosen frozen eggs at this point.  Anyhow, with twins, there is 10% higher pregnancy rate, but it also means that I could end up with twins.  I asked him what he would recommend.  He said he always goes with one blastocyst as he always aims at a healthy singleton pregnancy.  I asked him in what situations would he recommend transferring two embryos.  He said with donor eggs, he would still go with one.

I asked Bob what he thought, and he did not say much.  I know that he has always wanted to transfer two and be really done with this process.  I don’t think he has thought much about the complications that could be associated with a twin pregnancy.  Plus I really don’t want the embryos to split, which could happen 5% of the time.  However, I brought up this topic again later on because I wanted to make sure that Bob also has a voice in this.  At first he was resistant and said that we didn’t have to talk about it then.  Dr. NN asked why not.  We should talk about it and make a decision.  So we did.  I told Dr. NN to explain to us why he would strive for a singleton pregnancy for his patients.  He said that twin pregnancies have a higher chance of complications and preterm labor.  If he could control it, he would recommend transferring one.  I asked Bob why he wanted to transfer two.  He said that he just wanted us to be pregnant.  And Dr. NN said, yeah I get it, you just want to have a baby.  He told us to go home, talk about it, and let my nurse know.  Bob told him to put down one embryo right now as a place holder.

As for immune protocol, I don’t think Dr. NN believes in it.  He said that for me, there is no indication of that.  I asked about aspirin.  He said that they used to prescribe aspirin to people, until there was a large-scale study that came out that showed that people on it had a higher miscarriage rate.  To him, my problem has always been egg quality.  I know that people who believe in immune protocol may disagree with him.  But he is my doctor and I have to put my trust in him.  As for hCG infusion and endometrial scratches, he thinks that those are indicated for people with multiple failed transfers and need to try other things to make it work.  He does not think that I should worry about doing those.  I asked him what the steroid in my protocol does, and he said that it could suppress any inflammation in my body.  Historically it has been prescribed at this clinic so that’s why it’s there.

I asked Dr. NN to explain to me how this medicated transfer cycle works.  He scribbled on the back of the paper:


I am already on birth control pills.  I will start Lupron which is to suppress my ovaries.  Then when my withdrawal bleeding comes, I will start my estrogen patches.  Then progesterone should start.  He told me that I can start Lupron any time I want to.  I just have to work with my nurse to figure out the calendar.  He said that we have a say in which day we want to transfer.  Say if we want to transfer on Thanksgiving, then we would work the calendar backwards to see when we will start what.  Honestly, I still don’t understand how we can control the calendar that way.  But it seems like I don’t have to know.  I just have to trust that they know what they are doing.  I was laughing when he said Thanksgiving, because really, do people choose to transfer on Thanksgiving?

There is nothing much I need to do besides to check on the lining.  With a medicated cycle, it’s very likely that the lining will be fine, although sometimes the lining might fail to grow well.  Bob laughed and said that his job is easy.  Just to give a sample and be done.  I was joking with Dr. NN that hopefully this time the room to give a sample would be a little more well stocked.  Last time there was nothing except a DVD and Bob had to rely on his phone to finish the job.  Dr. NN kept on typing away with his eyes on the screen.  But he was laughing and said that the room now has everything and things are streamed (?) so there should not be any problems.  Bob said he’d find out soon.  And I said that I hope he only has to enjoy that well stocked room only once as we are done with this process.  I really don’t want him to have to come back in the future for any more samples.  Bob said that he started to feel hopeful, but still, there is no guarantee.  I am happy that he is starting to feel hopeful again because he has been down about this process for a while now.

At the end of the visit, Dr. NN walked us out of the room and shook our hands.  He said that my nurse would be in touch and we could figure out the timeline.  He told me to let my nurse know that he would like to do the transfer so find a day that he is free to do so.  I was a bit touched that he wanted to do the transfer.

So friends, looks like we will be doing a transfer some time in November.  I will contact my nurse to create a calendar.  I got price quotes for the meds that we need and hopefully will order them next week.  Things are getting real.  I am feeling alright.  Some days I feel very hopeful.  Other days I feel that it’s hard to believe that it could work.  So I maintain my attitude of taking it one day at a time, and pray whenever I feel anxious.  I also tell myself that I am doing everything to make this happen.  The rest is out of my control.

Hopefully this is it!

MicroblogMondays: Pregnant Coworkers’ Lunch Conversations


There are down to two pregnant coworkers now.  They are both in their third trimester.  Like what I said a couple of weeks ago, I am mostly okay with them around me as I have adapted to their presence.  Some days I feel better than others.  It helps to know that our transfer will happen soon and maybe this is our time finally.

But at times, things do get tough.  Case in point, we had a potluck lunch last week for my pregnant supervisor’s birthday.  My original pregnant coworker who gave birth two months ago was also there.  She is still on maternity leave but she gets invited to parties.  She brought her very cute baby.  I could hear her exit the elevator and people go oohing and ahhing over that baby.  I went and closed the door.  I admit that I think he’s very cute, but I have no desires to hold him or have anything to do with him.  It’s interesting.  I seek out some babies and crave for my baby time with them, while I avoid others.  He’s super cute but I don’t want to hold him or be near him.

We have quite a few new coworkers who have joined us recently.  One of them has not met my original pregnant coworker with a baby.  This conversation happened during the potluck, may I add very loudly so everyone could hear it:

Pregnant coworker who just got married: (Pointing at the baby and his mother) She was pregnant. She just gave birth in the summer.

New coworker: (Nods)

Pregnant coworker: (Laughs) Yup everybody is pregnant.

Me: (Rolls eyes)

Another older coworker: Not everybody is pregnant.  I am not pregnant.  [Another coworker] is not pregnant.  Isabelle is not pregnant.

Me: (Shakes head and rolls eyes)

Why are pregnant women so smug?  If three out of 30 people in an office are pregnant, they think that “everybody” is pregnant?  And why did that older worker, who has a few grown kids of her own, feel the need to comment on my lack of children or pregnancy?

I do not know.  Maybe I am super sensitive about these things.  But this conversation made me super uncomfortable.  Nobody has any business in talking about me.  I don’t care if my rolling my eyes or shaking my head caught anyone’s attention.  This was not acceptable.

The very next day, by the time I was done with lunch, both pregnant coworkers were there at the same table as me.  One started talking about contractions and asked the other when she was going to take her prenatal classes.  At that point, I got up, packed up my things, and left.  I was very glad that I finished eating.  If this happened in the middle of my meal, I don’t know if I had the courage to sit there and finish eating while enduring another discussion of their current state of pregnancy.

They are going to give birth soon, so I will have my peace and quiet for at least a few months until they come back from their maternity leaves and start talking about their babies.

I am looking forward to a time of respite without pregnancy talks.

MicroblogMondays: My In-Laws and My Parents


My in-laws say that they want to come next Summer.  This is HUGE.

A little bit of background.  Bob is the only child.  His parents live in India.  Their hope and dream were to marry him off to another South Indian girl in an arranged marriage.  They came to visit Bob right when we first started dating.  That was the one and only time they had ever come.  They were really angry with him and refused to meet with me at that time.  His father was so furious with him for going forward with the wedding that he called Bob the day before the wedding, yelled at him, and refused to talk to him for another ten months.  Needless to say, none of his family came to our wedding.  I did not meet my father- and mother-in-law until I went to visit them with Bob the year after we got married.

This means that it has been six years since they stepped foot in America.  Despite Bob’s repeated invitation, there is always this or that reason for not coming.  I won’t repeat the reasons here out of respect for Bob, but I would shake my head when I hear some of them.  His parents mentioned about coming this year, but the plan was postponed because of Bob’s grandmother’s passing and the tradition for his parents not to travel for a year and stay put to perform rituals for the one who passed.

Recently, it seems like every time Bob talks to them on the phone, they mention about coming next summer.


It will take a lot of adjustment to have my in-laws around for two months.  I know that other Indian in-laws come for four, five, six months.  Two months may sound like nothing.  It’s just that, I am not used to having them around.  I cannot imagine just yet how it will all play out.  I am thrilled for Bob that he gets to spend quality time with his parents, and it is a chance for me to get to know them better than those nine or ten days that we usually spend with them when we visit.  But still, this is going to be very different than when my parents visit.  My parents are independent here.  My in-laws will not be.

The biggest concern of mine is that… I am really hoping that I will be at least 7 months pregnant by then.    So that means that my in-laws, if following their plan, will be around the last two months of my pregnancy (I am sounding very hopeful here but I am actually scared to death that it won’t happen).  I do not know about you, but I think I would want my own mother to be around as my comfort, support, and help more than having my in-laws around.  I think Bob understands that.  So we are telling his parents not to look into plane tickets yet because it is quite a way from now.  We should be able to find out about our fate for next summer come November/December.  Then we can have a more concrete plan as to how we want to arrange for our and their schedules.

It’s such a dilemma.  I do want them to come so Bob can have his quality time with his parents.  But I also want to be pregnant and have my mother around.

I told my mother last week on the phone that she may not get to come back from overseas in the summer because Bob’s parents may come.  My mom has such a good heart.  She was super excited for them to be willing to come, and told me not to worry about her coming home.  She can postpone her trip until whenever.  I would like to learn from her and her enthusiasm to realize that this is a great opportunity for me to develop a good relationship with my in-laws.

I also spoke with my dad on that day.  My mom knew that we would pursue egg donation but does not know the timing of things.  She will eventually know the details when we get pregnant.  But I don’t feel that she should know any details yet.  On the other hand, my dad knows everything about our development.  I just hadn’t updated him on the disappearance of our donor since he had been traveling and it was hard to catch him when he was on a biking trip in China.  So I finally caught him on the phone when he was home with my mom.  So I began to tell him all about the donor and all the things that happened with the choice of frozen eggs.  Bless his heart, he is so good at not divulging anything to my mom when she was around him.  He just quietly listened and made neutral comments.  At the end, he said, as long as we are handling our emotions well, then any decision is a good decision.

Then he said this, “The money that I helped you send to Bob’s parents, you don’t have to return it.  Just use it for treatment.”

We usually ask my dad to help send money to India for Bob’s parents and we pay him back here.  It amounts to quite a few thousand dollars.  So this is not a small sum of money.  Out of his love for us and the desires to help us, he just wants us to have more money saved up for treatment.  But I told him that we don’t need it, since we have saved up the money already.  He said, “We have money here too.  We don’t need the money.  Just take it.  End of discussion.  Here is your mom.”

I was speechless.  I have always been stunned by my father’s generosity, thoughtfulness, and love.  This is somebody who didn’t want us to have a big celebration at our wedding out of respect for my in-laws.  This is someone who has always wanted to go with us to visit my in-laws so that he can get to know them.  My parents have already given us the same amount of money one previous time to go towards treatment.  This is the second time.

I hope that I learn a few things from my father and my mother and be open, loving, generous, and caring towards my mother- and father-in-law if/when they come to visit, even if I would be 7 months pregnant.

(Gosh I really hope that I WILL be 7 months pregnant.)

Count Down

I woke up with a huge headache at 5am. It could have been the saltiness from the Chinese food last night, or from the inexpensive yet yummy Riesling that I drank (the first glass in a long time).  Bob woke up too and went and got some painkillers for me with a big glass of water. I downed both and went to the bathroom. I had an intuition about what was going to come, and I was right.  Blood! Aunt Flow has arrived! For real. Exactly one month after my last breakthrough bleeding. I’m glad my body decides to do its job. Thank you body. Sitting there, I checked the calendar to see when transfer may happen. Some time mid-November. How do I feel? I think my will power is weaker when it’s way too early in the morning.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions. I’m very excited that we will have a chance to transfer after thinking that a transfer was not possible this year with our previous donor’s disappearance. I truly believe that it’s very likely for us to have a chance to make a couple of good blastocysts without fearing that our donor would bail. At the same time, I’m scared to death that this is all for nothing, that we’d have to go back to square one like usual after our transfers. I do think that I’m more excited than scared. I feel fortunate that we have a chance and I think there’s a good chance that it will work. Things could go either way. And I will try my very best to focus on the potentially good outcome and not the alternative. Tomorrow I’ll go back on birth control pills. I received the donor consent letters from the coordinator on Friday.  We are to sign it and pay a deposit to secure those eggs before next Friday.  And the consent stipulates that we finish the cycle within three months.  I still have a couple of questions about the guarantee program. After that we’ll sign and pay up.  Things are moving forward. Let the count down begin!

Finally Some Forward Movement

I have been waiting patiently for a few things to happen.  The day we decided to move ahead with frozen eggs was the day the clinic decided to change the guarantee for its cryo banking cycle from two viable embryos to one day-five or day-six blastocyst.  The donor coordinator had to revise the consent forms and to get them approved before she could pass them onto me.  That was almost two weeks ago.  I wrote the donor coordinator a couple of messages.  She completed the changes and needed the approval from the clinic.  So I continued to wait.  In the mean time, my nurse said that she needed to wait for the consent forms to be done before she could schedule me a follow up appointment with Dr. No Nonsense, my RE, to go over our treatment plan.  Back on July 27th, we had our meeting with Dr. NN to talk about treatment plan, but it was incomplete because he did not have our donor Iris’ past cycle records or her results from her medical screening.  We agreed that we would reconvene when he has all the information.  Now that we are using frozen eggs rather than fresh eggs from a donor, I guess we still have to meet and talk.  Regardless of the status of the consent form or the appointment with my RE, the most important thing is for my next menstrual cycle to begin.  The thing is, I don’t know where I am in my cycle.  My breakthrough bleeding after I stopped my birth control pills started on September 5th.  The thermometer that I used for tracking my basal body temperature has been tucked away for months.  Other than the egg white cervical fluid that I had a couple of weeks ago, I have no way of knowing when or if I ovulated this cycle.  The old me would track everything and anxiously wait for things to start.  Not that the new me doesn’t care, it’s just that, it’s not worth my losing my brain cells over this, because really, I have no control over anything.  So I continue to wait.  But one thing I know is that my protocol for the donor egg transfer includes birth control pills to quiet down my ovaries, so I know that when my menstrual cycle starts, I will start birth control pills on day two.  I was so pleased to get a phone call today from the donor coordinator who notified me that the consent forms have been approved.  She asked if we would still like to proceed with the ten frozen eggs.  Heck yeah!  My nurse also wrote me back and scheduled the appointment with Dr. NN for us for October 16th.  Finally, things are moving along.  We just need my body to cooperate and show me some blood.  🙂 Hopefully blood will come soon so we can have a transfer some time in November, as I was told that transfer happens six weeks after birth control pills start.  It’s getting exciting and at the same time scary……