A “Cyster” That I Hate

So… Another canceled cycle.  Another cyst.  Or maybe it’s an early recruited follicle.  Nobody knows.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  Tomorrow is Bob’s birthday.  We usually plan an out-of-town trip for Bob’s birthday because it often falls on a holiday weekend.  But because of the possibility of AF’s arrival, we didn’t plan a trip.  My period came at 12:45pm yesterday so I left a message with the answering service for the clinic to contact me for cycle day two appointment.  Bob and I went ahead with our 3pm Thai massage appointment.  I anticipated the clinic to have called me by then.  Nope.  No phone call.  No voicemail.  I called again at 5:30pm.  This time to the nurses station line but I was transferred to the answering service and was told that everyone would’ve left the clinic already.  The answering service lady said she would make sure that my message would get sent to the clinic.  I wasn’t too worried knowing that the clinic is always open on the weekend.  If I can’t get a hold of anyone, I can always show up and ask for an appointment.

Although I wasn’t too worried, it was still an uneasy feeling not being able to plan ahead.  This morning, I called the clinic main number and got the answering service again.  The lady put me on hold to try to connect to the clinic but no one picked up the phone.  About 30 minutes later, I called the nurses station again.  This time someone picked up.  I was told that they were still trying to confirm a couple of things with the doctor and would get back to me.  It took another phone call from me before I was contacted.  I had never had this much trouble getting an appointment on the weekend.  We were supposed to go ride a train today as part of Bob’s birthday celebration festivities.  However, Bob has been under the weather and is still recovering so he opted to take it easy.  Good thing he wanted to relax instead of wanting to go out.  Our 12:45pm appointment made it impossible for us to go anywhere far away.  The nurse on the phone said that the clinic did not get my message and apologized profusely for that.  I like it when people accept responsibility for their faults.  It makes it feel like they care.

We arrived early at 12:35.  No one was there to check anyone in.  I stood there for another ten minutes before someone came back to the front desk.  I was wondering if they would ask me to pay for the ultrasound scans from the previous cancelled cycle.  Nobody asked me for any money.  Phew. We waited for another 30 minutes before being seen.  First the nurse took my vitals.  I hated it that I had to weigh myself and my weight has gone up and up… my current weight is a whole ten pounds heavier than my last conventional IVF cycle one year ago.

Sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, I told Bob that I really just wanted a cycle that is clear cut without any doubt that we can just proceed.  I guess no luck this time, again.  The doctor came in and was trying to find my ovaries.  I had a full bladder because I went to the bathroom right when I checked in and had to wait for a long time before they called me to the back.  She pressed on my right ovary and finally found it.  It was fine with one follicle.  Then she went to look at the left ovary.  She pressed and pressed.  There it was.  A big dark cycle.  A familiar sight that I just hate.  It was measured 19x15mm.  So approximately 17mm.  There was also another follicle on the left.  We went over my history talking about the previous cyst and how Dr. No Nonsense still asked me to take Letro.zole just to see.  So her game plan was that I should check my estradiol to get more information about this cyst-like thing.  Maybe I could still take Letro.zole depending on the result.  So yet again, I got my blood drawn.  I was told to go home and wait for the blood work result and the phone call.

I wasn’t too upset or anything.  At least not like the last time on January 1st when we saw that big cyst and learned that the cycle could be canceled.  I was very upset, went home, and cried like crazy.  This time, I was just a little numb.  Bob and I walked to the elevator and he said,

“You have a ‘cyster’  that is sticking closer to you than a brother.”  This is a reference to Proverbs 18:24, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

HAHAHA that totally cracked me up.  My husband is HILARIOUS.  I was laughing so hard in the elevator.  This journey can  really use some humor.

Just now, the same doctor who did the scan called.  She said that the estradiol level is 75.  For any level over 50, they typically would recommend canceling the cycle thinking that I may not respond to the meds.  She said that at this point, it’s hard to know if it’s a cyst or a lead follicle that I recruited way early in the last luteal phase.  Only time can tell.  She recommends doing estrogen priming again after the next ovulation so I don’t start recruiting follicles early.  I asked if I could still start a cycle after my cyst is resolved, because I do grow follicles after a cyst is resolved.  She said that it’s possible.  Just talk to Dr. NN’s care team.  Too bad it’s a holiday weekend so Dr. NN and his nurses won’t be back at work until Tuesday.

So yet another canceled cycle.  We’re in pretty good spirits.  At least I am not too down or crying like a mad woman.  Bob always said that there is a reason why we are delayed and this is a way to exercise our discipline.  But I am just a bit numb.  I just want to get started and I am so ready to get the transfer done.  Why can’t we just have a normal cycle like every other person on the planet?

My dear friend Jane Allen suggested Millicent, Harper, or Hilda for a cyst name.  Whatever its name is, I just want it to go away!  Is that too much to ask for?  UGH.  Or… If it’s not a cyst, but an early follicle, I just want my body to listen to me and STOP growing follicles early.

We just can’t catch a break, can we?  SIGH.

I really need God’s strength and patience for this in order for me to appreciate the big picture and not to get too hung up on the little annoying things that are called “cyst” or “early follicle recruitment”.

IVF #8 never seems to be able to take off.  Next month?  I don’t know.  I really really hope so.

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Interesting Proposition

What do you know?  There are always twists and turns in an IVF cycle.

On Friday, I was waiting for my nurse to email me or call me.  I didn’t hear from her, so I emailed her early afternoon.  I had had this idea in my mind that maybe we could still do a frozen embryo transfer even if the cycle had been canceled.  I felt that I could probably still transfer the best three embryos (all the four-celled grade ones) if there is no retrieval.  If they don’t take, then we could do a fresh next cycle in February and transfer the remaining frozen embryos and be done with my own eggs.  I asked my nurse to ask Dr. No Nonsense if the cyst would interfere with a transfer if we do indeed decide to do an FET.  Being a responsible nurse, she wrote me back immediately and let me know that Dr. NN was on vacation.  But she emailed him already and hoped to connect with me next Monday or Tuesday.

Alright then.  I guess I could wait.

Around 4:45pm, my phone rang.  I looked at the number and was surprised that it was my clinic.  It was my nurse calling.  She connected with Dr. NN already.  He told her to let me know that he suggested me taking Letro.zole despite having a cyst.  If I don’t respond to the meds, but if the lining is good, we can still decide to transfer the frozen embryos.

Huh?

I never thought that I could take any meds with a big cyst in my ovary.  Nurse said, there is nothing to lose.  If I don’t grow some follicles, the lining might still be good for a transfer as the cyst doesn’t interfere with the lining.

Okay.  I was like, let me try to understand what you’re asking me to do.  So I take Letro.zole tonight for five days. Then return on cycle day eight for a scan.  If I respond to the meds, then we’ll do a retrieval.  If not, but if the lining is good, then we’ll transfer?

Yup, you got it!  She said.

What about my cyst?  I asked.  Wouldn’t it grow bigger?

Nurse said we won’t know.  That’s why we’re monitoring you.

Interesting.

I hope that they’re not wrong.  I really don’t want my cyst to grow bigger and rupture.  But I do know that other REs would also suggest continuing with the cycle even when the patients have a cyst.  So we’re taking a risk.

So… our cycle is tentatively back on.  I started Letro.zole since yesterday, which was cycle day three.  Apparently it’s okay to be on it from CD3 to CD7 instead of CD2 to CD6.  Thinking about it, I probably didn’t have to fret about going in on cycle day two for the baseline ultrasound.

I am a bit skeptical about what is going to happen.  Bob is very skeptical and a bit worried about the cyst.  But this time, I choose to trust the doctor to see what may happen.  Today there was a dull throbbing ache on my left ovary.  I don’t know if it’s something that I imagine, or it is really there.  I hope that the castor oil pack that I did tonight helps.  I plan on doing it daily until my scan next Wednesday.

Thank you so much for your support in my last post.  This process is such a roller coaster.  It would probably be a lot harder to get over these setbacks if I didn’t have all of you who understand what I am going through.

So IVF cycle number eight is back on.  My prayer these past few days has been that I will trust in the Lord in all that He has planned for us and not to let fear take over.

Please pray that I focus on the Lord again, instead of on the fear of the future.

My Not So Happy New Year

Good news: we didn’t have to cut our vacation short.

Bad news: a pregnant doctor found a big cyst on my left ovary.  The cycle is canceled, again.

My period came at 5:45pm on December 30th.  My clinic counts full flow after 4pm as cycle day one the next day.  I was totally relieved as we could stay on vacation as planned.  No frantically driving back to the city for that short ultrasound.  I was teasing myself for the little trust I had in God for His timing.  I didn’t know that my trust would be tested again very soon.

What a way to start the New Year, right?  Getting a baseline ultrasound for our new cycle on New Year’s Day, the cycle that we would finally transfer and have a chance at pregnancy.  Sounds like a great new beginning right?  Soon, that sense of a fresh start was crushed by the news.  Delivered by a pregnant doctor nonetheless.  She walked in with a glow on her face and her hands resting on her bump.  Like Maddie said, Who glows???  Maybe it’s a California thing, because all the pregnant ladies around her just look tired.  But yes, Pregnant Doctor was glowing.  I didn’t much mind her.  I just wanted to get the scan done to know that we were good to go with this cycle.  I kept my fingers crossed and whispered “No cysts”.

Then there it was.  Huge round dark circle on the screen, measuring about 25mm.

I know the drill.  I knew the cycle would be canceled.  This sense of unfairness overcame me and my heart again.  I was sad, disappointed, and hurt.  But on my face, I probably looked composed and calm.  I was not calm at all.  I was trying so very hard to hold myself together.  We discussed calmly about the next steps.  I asked if it was an estrogen producing cyst.  She suggested blood work to check the estrogen level, although later on at home I realized that the level wouldn’t accurately reflect the estrogen level since I had been taking Estradiol for priming.  I got poked anyways.  And estrogen did come back at the 800 level.  Very high.   I was instructed to connect with my RE’s care team the next day.

On the car ride home, I was extremely quiet.  All I wanted to do was to cry.  But I didn’t cry in the car.  Bob wasn’t feeling much better.  At first he said that it was okay that we just wait for the next month.  Then he said that he didn’t want to transfer in February because of the bad memories from our transfer and chemical pregnancy last year in February.  He wanted to just do a freeze all cycle again in February and try to transfer in March.  I almost lost it there but I kept my mouth shut.  Both of us were in extremely bad mood, very hurt and angry.

I was so angry at God.  I was so angry at the world, at the unfairness of it all, at the waiting, the pain and suffering that we have had to endure.  Then I felt guilty for being angry at God.  I vacillated between guilt and anger all day.  Tears kept coming down when I was cutting vegetables.  Bob told me to just rest instead of cooking.  He didn’t understand that at that moment, I just wanted to be left alone and let my emotions and tears out while doing something productive.  So he left me alone to read in bed upstairs.  When I was done cooking, I went upstairs, squeezed next to him and rested with my eyes closed.  With his body behind mine, and his hand moving up and down on my back, I curled up like a fetus and just let myself cry the best cry I could have.

Will all the tears be worth it in the end?

This delay had hit me harder than any other delays.  I have been so ready for a transfer since November.  Our wonky 42-day failed cycle in November pushed our December cycle into the time of the two week lab closure that made it impossible for retrieval and transfer.  We celebrated the rest that we had during the holiday season and tried to make the most of it.  We were so hopeful for finally moving forward and believed that this new year would bring the long-awaited transfer.

What a way to start our new year.

Needless to say, a severe headache consumed the second half of my day.  It took a really long time to go away.

I kept my eyes tightly shut this morning and did not want to wake up.   I was praying and talking to God about how disappointed I was in my body and in His timing.  I didn’t like His timing a bit.  My head knowledge tells me that God’s timing is the best.  But my heart was rebellious.  I was chatting with Maddie about it.  And I was saying that Elisha is probably the best person to talk me out of this nonsense that I was feeling.  How do we talk to God and pray to Him when we feel that He is so so far away?  When we don’t feel His love and that He has my best interest in His mind?  It’s such a struggle to stay faithful, positive, and trusting in God’s plan and timing.  I don’t know how others do it.

My prayer is that my trust in God and His plan will be strengthened.  I realize how fragile my faith and trust is.  Asking for God’s peace and strength is an everyday occurrence.  I’ll pick myself up again soon.  I just need to allow myself some grace and some time to get over the hurtful feeling.

My dear friend Jane made me laugh for the first time yesterday.  When I told her about the cyst, she said: “Cyst name suggestions: Agatha or Muriel”.  I burst out laughing.  The last thing that I had in my mind was to name my cyst, although this has been my tradition to name my cysts to make them go away.  It helps to have friends who would take care of that for you.  I love that she always gives me two choices.

Muriel it is.

Good bye Muriel.  I don’t want to see you next month.

Ursula Is Gone!

First thing first, Ursula has been killed!  I’m very relieved to be able to start Cl.omid tonight.

UCSF’s instructions is to call on the first day of full flow before 4pm so that the baseline appointment can be scheduled the next day.  I was so hoping to be able to go in on Labor Day so I don’t have to interrupt my work schedule on Tuesday.  I have a new desk that is being delivered and it is very important for me to be able to be at work for that.  My work has agreed to pay for a sit-to-stand desk to help alleviate my wrist and shoulder pain caused by repetitive stress from typing.  I have been anticipating the desk’s arrival for a few weeks now.  The delivery guy is apparently only going to move the packages from the truck to the ground.  I’m responsible for making sure that the boxes are all intact without damage and that they get moved into the building safely.  I really don’t want to leave it to my coworkers to assume responsibility for me.

When my temperature dropped below coverline yesterday, I knew that AF would show some time.  But I wasn’t sure if she would come before or after 4pm.  We met up with some friends in Napa yesterday and my phone reception was spotty.  I was spotting at around 1:30pm but full flow had not come.  The more I thought about having to go in for an appointment on Tuesday, the more stressed out I became.  But I felt very uncomfortable lying about having a full flow if it indeed was only spotting.  Bob saw me struggle so much and said, Just call!  At about 2:45pm, I gave in and left a message with the answering service.  Luckily, it had become more than spotting when the nurse called me back.  I didn’t feel like I was lying as much.  And more luckily, the phone actually had reception when the nurse called.  I dared not move from my location being afraid that I would lose her.

I woke up this morning from a very good night sleep.  I kept my eyes closed in a very comfortable position and started praying.  Praying that the cyst would have disappeared already.  Praying that I would be calm and at peace with the process.  Praying for total surrender of my control.  Praying that the schedule would not disrupt life too much.  God is good and He answers prayers.

The clinic did not look like it was Labor Day.  There were still quite a few people sitting around waiting to be seen.  I am grateful that Bob could go with me again because it’s a holiday.  I must have been quite nervous.  My blood pressure showed.  My usually normal 110/70 blood pressure shot up to 136/87.  I wasn’t happy about my weight either. Ever since IVF started 14 months ago, my weight has been creeping up steadily despite breaks in between cycles.  It may  also have to do with the way I have been eating since our international trip.  I cringed when I saw the number.  I really need to get it under control.  First thing first, putting a limit on the sweet things that I put in my mouth.

I was pleasantly surprised that Dr. No Nonsense’s colleague Dr. Swift was the one who saw me.  With this clinic, you just never know if you’ll see a real RE/professor or just a doctor working for the RE, like what happened to me last time.  It was nice to see a real RE.  She got the nickname Dr. Swift because she was doing everything very fast.  She was pleasant.  I learned in this process that you have to ask the necessary questions and advocate for yourself if you want the full picture.  I asked a bunch of questions.  So yes if I don’t use anesthesia, I can go back to work on the day of the retrieval.  No, they don’t do blood draw to check any of the hormones for this protocol (I guess because you are only aiming at one to two eggs?).  She asked if my right tube was dilated.  Not that I knew of…  She just left it at that.   When she said that the cyst was gone and I could start the Cl.omid tonight, I asked for the number of follicles.  We have four follicles!  That’s pretty good in my books.  I had to ask if I should make an appointment at the front desk for cycle day 8, because in a big clinic, you just have to be on top of things.  I doubt that Dr. Swift would have told me that without me asking.  It’s nice to be able to come to the next monitoring appointment on a Sunday again so we don’t have to disrupt my work schedule.

I am excited to be able to move on.  I am really just hoping for one embryo that we can freeze.  It’s not too much to ask for, is it?  Please pray and think very good thoughts for my ovaries and my follicles.  And pray that Cl.omid does not make me too crazy.

IVF #5.  Here we go, again.

“Ursula”

So… Our cycle is cancelled.

I have maintained a very positive attitude in the last couple of days.  My dear coworker asked me what I would like the outcome to be for today’s baseline appointment.  I said, I don’t care how many follicles we have; I’ll be happy as long as we don’t have a cyst.

Well, guess what?  A big one was found on the the left side.

I should’ve known.  That seems to be my pattern.  Whenever I spot for a long period of time in the beginning of a cycle, there is always a cyst the following cycle.  It happened last month.  I spotted for ten days and ovulation was late.

UCSF is very different from Dr. E’s boutique clinic.  You don’t get to see the same person every time. You don’t get to see your own doctor.  We arrived and paid for our cycle.  Then we waited for 35 minutes before we got called back.  I was anxious about the time because I needed to get back to my work to see my last client of the day.  The nurse did not introduce herself.  She called my name.  I got up.  She then said, Let’s go.  I don’t know.  She wasn’t rude.  But she wasn’t the friendliest.  In the exam room, she told me to undress from the waist down and left.  I was thinking… what if this is my first ever cycle?  It would have been the most impersonal experience ever.  After a couple of minutes, this doctor came in.  She said her name so fast that I didn’t catch it.  I figure I probably won’t see much of her, so it’s okay.   She measured my lining, which was 5.6.  Then she asked, Did you know that you have a fibroid?  She measured that too.  She proceeded to the right ovary.  It had two follicles.  Then the left ovary.  She discovered this big cyst.  She asked if this is something that I’ve always had.  I explained that I have it once in a while.  At that point, my heart sank and I knew that we’d cancel this cycle.  Every single time there was a cyst, my cycle got cancelled.  It happened twice already.  I mean… it always gets resolved so I am not worried about it not going away.

Nevertheless, I am very disappointed.  I have had great momentum going into this cycle.  I was really ready to move on.  And now… the cycle came to a screeching halt.  The doctor saw another small follicle on the left and couldn’t proceed with the scan because of the view being blocked by the evil cyst.

I actually almost cried there.  But I held my tear back.  The doctor went to talk to the doctor of the week (instead of my own RE) and said that if it’s not a persistent cyst, then we’ll cancel the cycle.  I wasn’t surprised… but it was still disappointing to hear.  She then said that she’ll confirm with Dr. No Nonsense and give me a call.

I went back to work disappointed.  But I had to put on my game face because I still had a client.  Bob was sweet.  He was saying all the right things when we walked back to my work.  But I still felt like crying.  At 5pm, the doctor who did the scan called and confirmed with Dr. No Nonsense of the cycle cancellation.  No surprise there.

Elisha is such a sweet heart.  This is what she wrote to me when she found out:

“I know how disappointed and discouraged you must feel because I have had several cycles cancelled in the past.  But the one thing I have learned since that time is to verbally say, ‘I don’t understand, but I trust you God.’  Just keep affirming your trust in Him and those thoughts of fear, doubt, worry, and discouragement will slowly fade away as you are reminding yourself that He is in control and can see the bigger picture. ”

Thanks girl!

And what does it all have to do with Ursula?  Well, the brilliant Jane Allen asked what I was going to name my cyst this time… since every time I named my cyst, it seemed to go away.  She suggested Ursula because it’s a dreadful name.  I think it’s very fitting!  Whatever her name is, I just want her to go away and not ever come back…

Instead of telling myself not to be disappointed, I am going to experience it and then let it go.  But yeah… we’re going to go back to old fashioned way of making a baby this time.

(Thanks everyone for your well wishes.  We’ll try again next month.)

Working Lady Parts and Money Matters

Hi everyone!  Sorry for not posting for over a week.  Last week I was busy listening to the Mind Belly Summit that was posted by GradualChanges.  Thanks girl!  I learned a lot from it, although receiving all the information was very dizzying.  I was forever trying to play catch up since I didn’t want to pay for the upgrade.  In hindsight, I should’ve just paid the $47 upgrade fee so that I can listen to it without the time crunch.  It’s kind of too late now since the upgrade price has gone up to $97 and I really am not going to pay that.  Oh well.  I would like to learn more about all the meditation techniques and maybe learn how to quiet my mind down.

Okay onto updates.  Thanks everyone for being there for me last time when I felt super lonely.  It hits me once in a while when I don’t expect it.  Thanks for the encouragement and I have felt much better since then.

There was finally a glimpse of hope for my long cycle to end.  My temperature finally spiked about one week ago, out of the blue, on cycle day 30.  That was about six days after the last bit of egg white cervical fluid and the last baby dancing session.  We had lost steam and momentum following the every-other-day ritual for a few weeks.  When my temperature rose, I almost cursed aloud because I felt that we didn’t time it well.  How could one time it well when the egg was so elusive?  My hope is that ovulation actually happened a couple of days before the actual temperature spike.  It happened before so I am hoping that this was the case.  I doubt it that we had caught the egg.

Today was the big ultrasound day to check on the cyst and antral follicles.  It felt kind of surreal to go back to the office since it has been such a long wait for the cycle to get moving.  My expectation was low; Given our past cycles, it was kind of difficult to get excited.  Apparently I was still nervous (although I didn’t feel it) as my blood pressure was a bit high.

Dr. E entered with a huge smile.  She first looked at the lining and commented on how beautiful it looked.  Then she pointed out how beautiful the corpus luteum looked.  I was nodding but really didn’t see the physical beauty of it on the screen.  Only REs would say that a corpus luteum looks beautiful.  I wonder how she defines beauty for such a thing.  Apparently on the left ovary, which is usually the dormant one, there were two follicles.  She couldn’t really see on the right side since the corpus luteum was so round and nice and blocked the view.  We should have about three follicles if not more.  And the greatest news of all is the cyst is gone!  From the looks of it, my lady parts all seem to be working properly this time.  The antral follicle count is a bit low but it doesn’t stop us from trying for another cycle.  My best AFC has been six and I haven’t really seen that since our first IVF.  The plan now is to move forward with this cycle and see if the drugs could stimulate any of the follicles to grow.  She said she has seen recently that some people respond well to alternating two Femara and three Femara and then adding Menopur on day five of stims.  Why?  She has no idea.  But it’s worth a try.  She does not suggest bombarding the ovaries with Menopur right away when it’s under five antral follicles.  We can see how the follicles react.  Regardless of how result of this cycle, we will thaw Clay.  Dr. E said that successful thawing rate is 98% so the odds are good.  We have a plan.  🙂

When we drove by the IVF center where the retrieval took place, we waved to Clay in its direction.  Mama and Daddy are coming to get you very very soon.

I presented our new insurance card today to the clinic.  I knew that treatment will not be covered but was hoping that consultation and ultrasound would.  This afternoon I got an email from Dr. E’s finance lady saying that she checked the coverage and unfortunately infertility is not covered regardless of preferred or non-preferred providers.  My heart jumped out of my chest for a tiny bit.  Well, I really do not want to pay for the office visits and ultrasound scans of course.  So I called my new insurance and got hung up twice by the automatic recording.  Good thing I did not give up after two failures.  I finally spoke to somebody live on the phone.  “Steven” said that an office consultation with an in-network reproductive endocrinologist will be covered with a $25 copayment.  Any scans like an ultrasound will be covered at 75% (we pay 25%) after we meet a $500 deductible.  I made sure and asked one more time that yes, if it’s not treatment but consultation, it will be covered.  I thanked him and emailed Dr. E’s finance lady back.

She wrote back quickly, “That is very interesting and thank you for the information because the codes we use will all be infertility therefore should be denied.  We will try it under different things to get it covered for you.”

It’s worth a try and it’s always good to advocate for yourself.  Fingers crossed that these visits were covered.  Otherwise, I am sure we’re looking into $150/office visit and $300/ultrasound.  Yikes.

AF should arrive in about a week.  IVF #4 and/or FET #1 should start then.  I’m hoping for the best and am thankful that God is taking care of my body so the lady parts are working the way they should.  I am still not too late in reaching my goal of having a baby in my arms by the end of this year.  🙂

A Season of Waiting, Again

For those who have been following me for a little while, you may remember Rekka?  That was the name my friend M gave to the cyst that stalled our first ever IVF cycle.  Rekka was finally dead the following month.  Well, I think Rekka either reincarnated or has sent her cousin, the party pooper.  At my baseline ultrasound bright and early at 7:40am, Dr. E discovered one follicle on the right side.  She said it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any other follicles on that side.  They could be hiding.  When she ventured to the left side, this big follicular cyst appeared on the screen.  So yeah.  Either Rekka decided to come back after being gone for six months, or her cousin showed up as her representative.  M, should we give the cyst another name???

Anyhow, unlike two months ago when I really didn’t want to try another cycle, this month I am very ready for one.  But God has His own timing.  With this cyst, we cannot proceed with another IVF cycle this month.  The medication is going to make the cyst bigger and bigger.  Similar to last time, I will not go on any birth control pills as we do not want to risk overly suppressing my ovaries.  It doesn’t really matter how ready I am mentally and physically this cycle, my ovaries are not cooperating.

I was a little bummed this morning.  It was a very long morning.  I gave up fitness bootcamp and left at 6:30am for my 7:40am appointment.  I got there at 7:26am.  Dr. E and I discussed about the cyst and our plans.  I still have an option of transferring my frozen in January or do a fresh cycle.  We are still going to think about that a little more.  When I left the clinic, I chatted with Bob on the phone and went over all that had happened.  I checked on Google Maps that going back to work would take almost 1.5 hours.  Lovely.  So I headed over to Starb.ucks, got myself a cup of grande hazelnut latte, and braved myself through the traffic.  While I was driving, my phone rang.  I looked at the phone number that I didn’t recognize and didn’t pick up.  It turned out to be the place where I had ordered Bob his Christmas present over the weekend.  Apparently the item that I ordered was out of stock and my order was officially canceled.  Even lovelier.  When I finally got into work at 9:45am, it was supposed to be the beginning of my work day but I felt like I had been in a battle physically and emotionally for several hours already.

Things aren’t actually that bad.  I mean, instead of starting injections or oral medication tonight, I am not going anywhere near any syringes.  Sticking myself with a needle is not the most pleasant thing so I am spared of that this month.  I contacted the store to re-order something else and got the lady to honor the discount that I got for the cancelled order.  At least Bob will get his Christmas present.  Bob and I had been talking about taking a trip somewhere during the last two weeks of the year as I have those two weeks off and he gets to work remotely from anywhere.  However, we had been holding off our plans for a trip because we didn’t know how this cycle would turn out.  Since the cyst is making us wait, we jumped at that opportunity and booked three nights at a bed and breakfast about three hours away.  We had gone to this place twice, once for our mini-honeymoon (those nights after our wedding… our official honeymoon in Hawaii has yet to be booked) and another time for a couple of nights after my abdominal myomectomy two years ago.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were still rooms available for those nights we want to go.  So we will be spending December 23rd, 24th, and 25th in a small scenic town facing the ocean.  Instead of being poked and prodded by a dil.do cam at my RE’s office, I will be having freshly cooked hot breakfast delivered to our room at 9am each morning.  If we went ahead with this cycle, then we would never have a chance to go away for Christmas.

I know I’d much rather get a cycle going.  But when I can’t, I got to find the silver lining, right?  Instead of a cycle, Bob and I get to have some down time for just the two of us.  I think that ain’t too bad.  God has a way of allowing us time to rest.