Married Life for Two and A Half Years

We have been married for 2 1/2 years today.  I was asked by Dear Colleague if it feels like it’s been 2 1/2 years.  It actually feels longer than that length of time.  In the last couple of of years, we have gone through a major surgery, one major house remodel with an addition, three bathrooms, and a kitchen, three moves, one trip to India and Hong Kong, two job changes, trying to conceive for 22 months, consultation with four different reproductive endocrinologists, saving up money like crazy for fertility treatments, countless visits to Chinese doctors and acupuncturists, many bowls of yucky Chinese herbs, many tears, and two failed IVFs.  I don’t know about you.  That feels like a lot to me.  Although we have had our periodic fights robust discussions, I will not trade my husband for anyone/anything else.  Experiencing infertility together, he has shown me his strong faith.  I remember leaning on him and counting on his presence when we were hit with repeated bad news during our first IVF, when I myself felt so weak.  I can still feel the strength that I received from him when he held me tightly after our RE broke the news that our one embryo did not grow.  I sometimes think about the what-ifs.  What if I married my old boyfriend and had to experience infertility with him.  I don’t think my old boyfriend and I would ever have the kind of collective resolve that Bob and I have right now to achieve this goal of becoming parents.  Bob and I are very clear on our goal and do not waver in reaching our destination.  We do not know the path on which we will get there, but both of us have that determination that we would follow God’s plan and hopefully make it happen.  I am lucky that I am walking this journey with Bob, and not any other men that I dated in the past.  God has a plan for us and the first step of that plan was for us to meet and become one.  The Lord also gave me a husband that is goofy and funny and makes me laugh silly laughs all the times.  I am forever grateful for God’s plan and hope that our relationship will continue to grow strongly regardless of what life throws at us.   Happy 30 months, Sweetie!

Liebster Award – the Rule Breaking Version

So…. It’s award season.  I’ve been nominated by a few lovely ladies in the blogging world for an award called Sunshine.  However, that reminds me that I haven’t even responded to the sweet Annie’s nomination for a Liebster Award back about a month ago.  So in the spirit of fairness, I feel compelled to respond to Annie first.  What can I say?  I am usually very rule abiding.  One award at a time, right?

Did I just say that I am very rule abiding?  Well, I’ve seen that a few people have broken the rules of awards recently.  (Yup Aramis, I am looking at you.)  So… I am going to take the liberty of breaking some rules as well.

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OKay.  Successfully copied and pasted the award and the rules.  Now onto 11 random facts.

Hmmmmm…..

1.  My native language is Cantonese, although I can usually fake my spoken English so well that you may think that I was born here.  It’s another story when I am very tired or when I am speaking to my husband.  I don’t watch how I speak and make all sorts of grammatical errors.

2.  My most memorable trip was a 38-day backpacking trip in Europe right after college.  My three friends and I went to six countries and traveled by train.  We usually ate canned corn and bread and drank water.  We had one good meal at a restaurant in each new city.  I lost ten pounds at the end of the trip.

3. My French was good enough that I could converse in France without a problem on my trip.  Right now?  I can’t even think of how to say common phrases like “How much is this?”  Wonderful.  Foreign language classes in college down the toilet.

4. I am a bread pudding freak.  If there is bread pudding on the menu, I will have to have bread pudding.  I like bread pudding so much that I opted NOT to have a wedding cake and instead made wedding bread pudding our dessert of choice.  My favorite bread pudding is the chocolate croissant bread pudding at Chaya in San Francisco.

5. I am not an animal person.  (I know many of you are animal lovers. Don’t hate me!)  I don’t know.  The thought of touching the belly area of an animal freaks me out.  Don’t ask me why.  I really don’t know.  Unfortunate for Bob, since he’s an animal lover.  He asks me about getting a dog every other day.  I am friendly with a few cockapoos that I know though.

6. I am good at drawing.  I apparently was drawing people with real arms and legs when I was three years old, rather than stick figures with stick arms and legs.  Too bad this talent didn’t translate into something more substantial, although I do draw a lot during my speech therapy sessions.

7. I am a shoe person.  I’d rather spend money on shoes than clothes.  I usually buy clothes under $20.  I have to think for a long time if something is over $20, unless it’s a coat or a jacket.  It’s a different story when it comes to shoes.  I am willing to spend a lot more money on shoes.  This is a dangerous hobby/habit especially since internet shopping is so easy.  Well, good thing for my husband that my extremely flat feet cause some ankle pains that prevent me from buying whatever shoes I want.

8. I went to an all women’s college.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t find my future husband there.

9. I tell people I’m from San Francisco, but I have actually never lived in San Francisco.  Does working there count?

10. I have to wash my hair at night.  You may think that my Asian hair should be smooth and straight.  Well, I have very wavy and frizzy hair.  If I don’t wash my hair at night, blow dry it, and sleep on it to make it flat, I look like a huge frizz ball.

11. I am 5’8″, which is not short for a Chinese girl. My husband is a whole nine inches taller than I am.  He’s not a typical Indian man either.

Okay.  Onto answering Annie’s questions:

1. What do you turn to for comfort?

I pray.  Other than praying, I turn to food.  Anything that makes me happy, such as coffee, coffee ice cream, bread pudding, scone… Just a treat.  And I talk to people who will understand my feelings.  I talk to my hubby.  I talk to a bunch of online friends.  I talk to Dear Colleague.  I guess I have to talk.

2. Do you have any habits/mannerisms other people consider odd but you couldn’t do without?

Hmm.  I bite my nails, especially when I am nervous.  If I can’t think of someone’s name, I go down the alphabets from A to Z until I can think of the name.  It’d bug me forever if I can’t.  In the morning on my desk, I have a cup of coffee, a cup of hot water, and a cup of tea.

3. What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?

I was never a good cook until I got married.  My husband likes home cooked food and I want him to be happy.  In the past couple of years, I have developed some skills.   I guess I have two favorite things to cook.  One is a slow cooker chuck roast recipe that is extremely easy to cook and is very tasty.  The other one is lamb chop.  I just had it for dinner tonight.

4. It’s your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?

At home: T-shirt, a very old and very worn cashmere sweater, and a pair of yoga pants.

Going out: A shirt, a pair of my favorite jeans, and my nicer cashmere sweater.

5. You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity–they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it?

“Just relax.”

6. You’re a billionaire, hooray! What charity do you make your pet cause?

Most likely Operation Smile for repairing kids’ cleft lip and palate.

7. Do you wear socks to bed?

Oh yes.  I have kidney yang deficiency and always have cold extremities.  When it’s cold, I wear socks.

8. I’ve got a gift card for you! You can’t spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?

Amazon.  I can get anything there. 🙂

9. What one thing that you do on a regular basis do you wish you never had to do again?

Cleaning, just like Annie.  Bob has been wanting to hire someone to clean the house for us, maybe once or twice a month.  I haven’t gotten around to that yet but it’d be wonderful.

10. If you were an expert in one area, and people came from miles away just to ask your thoughts, what area would that be?

I would love to be an expert in organization and interior design.  I am so so bad at it and it’d be wonderful if I could so instinctively know how to organize something neatly and how to decorate a space.

Okay… Here comes the time when I am breaking the rules.  I am supposed to nominate people but I am feeling very lazy at the moment so I am going to end the post here.  Thanks for the nomination, Annie!  Have a great night everyone!

Interactions With Two Women

Today has been an interesting day.

One of my clients came in for his speech therapy as usual.  We went into the therapy room.  Before his mom exited the room to let him work with me, she apologized and said, “I am so so sorry that we haven’t practiced the words that you gave us last week.  I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks last week and had to have a D & E.”  I was so shocked and felt heart broken for her.  “Don’t even apologize for such a thing!  I am so sorry for your loss.”  I went and gave her a hug and started tearing up for her.  She teared up as well.  I cannot even begin to fathom what she has gone through in the last two weeks.  We got ourselves together and I went on with my session with the boy.

When we were done with the session, the mom and I started chatting about her miscarriage.  She and her husband had gone into get her 19 week ultrasound with the kids so that they could all find out the sex of the baby.  It was at that appointment when they discovered that the baby boy had no heartbeat.  She was so shocked.  She gets pregnant easily and things usually go easily for her at all of her pregnancies.  She had no symptoms.  She didn’t even look pregnant.  And just like that, the baby was gone.  I really don’t wish anything like this upon anybody.  Although she is a fertile person, I really wouldn’t have wanted this to have happened to her.  I probably would fake a smile or two and be bitter for a day or two when I finally discovered about her pregnancy had it not gone this route.  I really didn’t want to find out about her pregnancy this way.  My heart was sad and heavy.  

I also shared my journey with her.  She actually understood what I had gone through since one of her best friends who is in her late 30s as well went through IVF twice and got two sets of twins.  Anyhow, I didn’t expect to have a special bonding time with this mom going into work today.  I hope that giving her a chance to talk about it somehow helps to heal her heart a bit.

After that happened in the morning, I went about my usual business in the afternoon.  My infertile pregnant friend sent me messages on Gchat.  She has gone back to work since Monday and she has been feeling sleepy.  I told her to hang in there.  She told me that she has 16 more weeks to go.  It’s fine.  I just went on my business.  She then asked me questions about my cycles and clinic choices.  I stalled for a bit and didn’t respond until later in the afternoon. 

me:   Insurance pays for whatever services they billed. so we probably have money for the transfer.  We don’t know yet. One round at a time

Her:  Don’t worry, things will work out

I don’t know.  That just didn’t bode well with me today.  First of all, in nowhere did I say that I was worried.  And really?  She knows that things will work out?  How?  Is she a prophet?  I at first didn’t say anything.  Then I thought that maybe this would be a good chance for me to say something so she doesn’t mindlessly offer her platitude repeatedly.  

me:   I know you mean well, but you don’t know if things will work out. I may never have a child or I may.  You don’t know and I don’t know. I just try my best to do what I can. The rest is not up to me.  But thanks for asking.

Radio silence on her side.  

Maybe I will lose this friendship.  Maybe she is offended.  Maybe I am petty.  I just feel the need to say something to her finally.  If she had said that she hoped that things would work out, I’d take that.  But that was not how she put it.  My hubby was saying that I could say that to her, but I also have to prepare for others who make mindless suggestions and comments and I can’t possibly speak to every single one of them this way.  I hope that infertile pregnant friend is right, that things will work out in the end.  I do not wish to prove her wrong. I would LOVE for her to be right. But what she said really doesn’t help me in this situation.  

Now I think about it… Isn’t it interesting that I had a bonding time with a fertile person over an unfortunate event and a disconnect and maybe even a loss of friendship with an infertile pregnant person?  

A thing or two about my family

Hi everyone!  It’s been a while since I wrote a post.  Time just flies ever since the Fall began.  I can’t believe that we are approaching Halloween already.  Soon it will be Thanksgiving and then Christmas……

My cousin’s wedding was lovely.  It was a perfect courtyard ceremony at a winery followed by a cocktail hour and a reception at the Cellar Room.  It was just the bride, the groom, and the officiant.  No wedding party.  Simple ceremony with a simple message.  The bride looked stunning, very much in love, and was totally radiant.  My poor cousin looked very tired.  It must have been overwhelming to be entertaining over 30 out of town guests for a couple of weeks.  It was so sweet that after the cake cutting, the bride surprised my cousin by singing him “From This Moment On”.  It was priceless to see him all of a sudden realize that his bride was serenading him as he was chatting with others.  He quickly turned around, walked straight to her, held her hand, looked in her eyes, and soaked in the sweetness of that moment.  Priceless.  It was just so nice to see him so in love.  I did wear a dress that allowed me to eat as much filet mignon as possible.  By the way, the filet mignon was one of the best that I have had at a wedding.  Kudos to my cousin for choosing a decent caterer.

I am happy to report that none of my “elderly” relatives (meaning my aunts and uncles) asked about baby, fertility, or anything remotely related to that.  Someone did bombard me with questions and suggestions though.  I am Face.book friends with one of my cousin’s best friends.  She has a four-year-old who is full of energy and did not stop running the entire night.  She came by to say Hi and to inquire about my expertise in speech-language pathology.  Then she proceeded to make all sorts of suggestions about baby making.  She even looked at Bob and told him to “get busy” that night.  HAHA.  Uh… does she not know that you can only get pregnant during a certain time in a cycle??  I just smiled.  What else can you do?

It was also lovely to see my two female cousins on my mom’s side of the family.  They are sisters who live on the opposite sides of the continent.  The last time I saw them was at my own wedding two and a half years ago.  Their mom was my favorite aunt who passed away about nine years ago, at age 52.  It was so fun to watch these two cousins talk.  The younger one lives in L.A. and has a larger than life personality.  You wouldn’t miss her if you were in a room with her.  She is very loud and she talks a lot.  Her older sister is relatively quiet.  It was so funny to watch them talk and catch up with each other.  You’d see the younger one yapping away while the older one just nodded the whole time.  They were the same way when they were nine and twelve.  Some things just don’t change.  🙂

Older female cousin is an acupuncturist on the east coast.  Towards the end of the dinner, she looked across the table at me and mouthed “Are you pregnant yet?”  Now, this question is totally different from the questions that nosy relatives might ask me.  She is somebody with the credentials and the potentials to know what I am talking about.  So when we were on our way out, I approached her and gave her a two-minute version of our struggles.  It was an unexpected bonding time between me and her.  She knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.  There was no need for explanations for any terminology.  I was really just giving her a two-minute version and she understood.  She treats people with fertility problems as well.  Now my very loud younger female cousin was the one who eavesdropped and asked loudly about “follicles” and what that all meant.  Didn’t I just say that some things don’t change?  🙂

The rest of the weekend was exactly how I had envisioned it: bonding time with my hubby and my Bro’s family.  The vacation rental that I found is nestled in a small town in the wine country.  The owners are two men.  I assume them to be gay and I think only gay men could be so thoughtful in preparing for every single detail of their house.  It was equipped with everything that you would need to live in this place comfortably for an extended period of time.  The welcome basket had a personalized note to us with our names.  It was filled with wine, cheese, nuts, crackers, homemade jam, and fruits and vegetables from their own garden.  The rest of the weekend was relaxing, with onsite massages for me, Bob, and SIL, a visit to the winery within walking distance, and hanging out with the whole family in the backyard over pizza, wine, and snacks.

The biggest joke that we made that weekend was about my Bro’s first Girlfriend.  They dated back when they were teenagers.  They broke up when Girlfriend started dating Bro’s best friend at the same time.  Bro would not have anything to do with a cheater.  I was never very fond of this Girlfriend.  She has a strong personality and is very loud.  She married my Bro’s best friend, who happens to be the older brother of one of my best friends.  I always feel fortunate that my SIL became my SIL instead of Girlfriend.  My SIL and I had been friends before she started dating my Bro.  I wouldn’t be close to Bro’s family if Girlfriend had become my SIL.  I usually learn about her news from my Bro who is still friends with her.  She in fact requested to be one of the bridesmaids for my SIL and subsequently volunteered to be my niece and nephew’s godmother when they were born.  My very easygoing SIL just said Yes to both requests.  Anyhow, you can probably tell that I am not very fond of her.  So this Girlfriend and Bro’s best friend got divorced and didn’t have any kids.  She remarried in December 2012 at the age of 42 43.  Needless to say that when Bro broke the news to me that she was pregnant on her first try the month after her wedding, I was totally shocked and jealous.  That was when we were attending all the IVF seminars and deciding on the RE.  I was not happy that she did not have to wait and got lucky right away.  I was the most bugged when she posted on Face.book that “God has not forgotten” her after all.  So does it mean that I am forgotten by God because I have not been able to get pregnant?  Last weekend, Bro saw on FB that Girlfriend was about to have a C-section this week.  We reminisced about the past and my SIL blurted out that we should all thank her for saving us from having Girlfriend in our lives.  Imagine her being my SIL?  I shuddered thinking about that.  Girlfriend is going to give her girl a name that would sound very funny if you say it with a Cantonese accent.  We teased my niece all weekend long and called her that name with a Chinese accent since she could have had that name had Bro married Girlfriend.  I shuddered again.  Thank goodness God has had a better plan, that my SIL is in my family instead of Girlfriend.

Did I ever mention about my mother?  She is a lovely lady who cares deeply about everyone.  My mother is also someone who cannot keep any secrets from her sisters.  She had been living in my house with me six months of the time for about 15 years now.  The other six months of the time she is out of the country visiting with my father who refuses to live in the States.  That could be another post in itself.  My mother knows about the fertility struggles that we have had.  She has been very helpful with supporting us by making brew Chinese herbs.  She encourages me to visit an acupuncturist.  And she firmly believes that we’ll successfully make a baby one day.  But… did I mention that she cannot keep a secret?  She left the country for her annual overseas visit in April.  Bob and I started our fertility treatment in May.  I had been hoping and praying that we would successfully become pregnant before she came home in October.  Unfortunately that’s not happening.  I really don’t want her to go blabbering about our fertility issues with her sisters.  I want to control who knows about our struggles.  One time I told her to not to talk to her sisters about us.  She at first agreed, then protested saying that my aunts are also my family.  Can you see my hesitation in telling her things?  My mother came home this past Wednesday and the first few moments that I saw her, she shared someone’s pregnancy news with me.  I am sorry but I pouted.  I had had a very difficult day on that day and did NOT need her to tell me anyone’s pregnancy news.  She quickly questioned my attitude and told me not to feel that way.  There are certain things that my mom would probably never understand, as she got pregnant very young very easily.  I love her to death but I just do not know how to share our IVF journey with her without fearing that she would go announce it to the public.  But you know what?  I have to be brave and share with her.  We’ll start our next cycle in November and mom is always around.  Bob is the one who mixes the meds.  He does not want to hide in our bedroom for that.  He wants to be honest and do it in the dining room like we usually do.  I need to pray for God’s courage to sit her down and come up with a good way to talk to her so that I get her guarantee that she won’t talk to her sisters about it.  It’s tough enough to live with your mother.  It’s even tougher when you have no intention to let her be in your business.  But those are the cards I am dealt now.  So I just have to do it.  I don’t know when this conversation will take place.  It may not be that big of a deal.  Maybe she’ll be able to keep something to herself for once?  I am hoping.

How about that for an update on my family?

Mini Vacation and Other Things

Uh… What do I need?  I need time!  I feel like I don’t have time to blog anymore ever since the Fall began.  Dear Colleague saw me today and asked if I had nothing to say since she checked my blog and saw no new blog posts.  I have a lot to say but I don’t have time to write my thoughts down.  Since she asked, here I am blogging.

The biggest news is that Bob’s last day at his Big Corporation job is tomorrow!  And tomorrow is our third anniversary of our engagement, which happened on 10/10/10.  Three years have passed already and we have experienced so much as an engaged couple and married couple.  I still love my engagement ring and the thoughts he had put in to purchasing the stone and the style.  Anyhow, on Monday, he will start his brand new job.  He has a choice of working from 9 to 5 or from 10 to 6.  He will initially choose to work from 10 to 6 so that he can avoid most of the morning commute.  I am very excited for him!  He has been feeling excited but at the same time nervous.  I think these feelings are totally understandable.  I hope that his talents and skills will be recognized and put to great use at his new job.

Why is tomorrow his last day instead of Friday?  Because we are going to attend my younger cousin’s wedding at the wine country on Friday!  My cousin is actually going to get married at one of my favorite wineries in St. Helena.  We were about to begin our fertility treatment when he announced his wedding date.  My mind immediately began calculating the possibility of my pregnancy by that date, whether or not I’d be showing a bump, if I would need to wear a dress that would hide said bump, or whether we would need to announce the pregnancy before the wedding.  Well, no worries right now.  I am free to wear whatever dress I wish.  It’s such a bummer.  Anyhow, I am still looking forward to having a few days off.  We will head to the wine country early on Friday and hang out.  I have booked a vacation rental about half an hour away from the wedding site and will be sharing with my older brother’s family.  This will be the first time Bro’s family and Bob spend time away.  I am very excited about this opportunity for Bro and Bob to become closer friends.  This job change has brought them closer together as Bro gave advice and listened to Bob’s concerns.  I am hopeful that they will even be better friends after this trip.  I have also booked onsite massages for Bob, SIL, and myself for Saturday.  I cannot wait to have some chill time.

One thing that I dread about the wedding is seeing my relatives and the possibility of being asked about babies.  How do I dodge the bullet?  Maybe avoid talking to anybody. HAHA.  Or maybe because they don’t see a baby or a baby bump two plus years after our wedding, they’d get the clue NOT to ask the question?  I don’t know.  I don’t know how well Chinese people behave when it comes to their own relatives’ fertility.  

My temperature finally rose about four days after the positive OPK.  However, the temperature has been hovering a bit over the cover line, for those who chart.  All in all, I think this is a weak ovulation because of the crappy temperature.  I have lost hope that we would miraculously get pregnant naturally this cycle.  And I don’t know if I should count those days before the temperature shift as part of the luteal phase.  I truly don’t know when my period will come this time.  I guess it doesn’t matter.  We still have not decided what our next step is.  I have been taking a break from therapy and treatment for fertility so I have not gone back to Dr. K, my acupuncturist.  We have been emailing each other for updates though.  Last week she emailed me and told me to call her.  She had completed a cycle with Dr. Y down in SoCal at the clinic at which I am considering doing mini IVF and natural IVF.  She wanted to give me her first-hand insight of Dr. Y and the clinic.  I have already heard of the clinic’s services going down hill for out of town patients.  My conversation with her totally confirmed that.  She said that the instructions for her cycle were given at various times by various nurses and they were chaotic.  She wasn’t asked if she knew how to do the injections.  She was given the order of injections.  Good thing she had done IVF before so she knew how to do them.  When she had a question, she would be put on Dr. Y’s call-list and he sometimes wouldn’t call until very late at night.  Due to poor response the first cycle, she had to do a stimms the second month.  The blastocysts from that cycle were frozen.  She then had to return for her frozen embryo transfers in two consecutive months which resulted in BFNs for both.  In those four months that she dealt with the clinic, she only spoke to Dr. Y four times.  When she arrived in SoCal for the egg retrieval, she was shocked to find that Dr. Y wasn’t even the one who performed the retrieval.  It was some random doctor that she had never talked to or met before.  The one thing that totally turned her off was that Dr. Y didn’t seem to care who she was. She was just a number.  One of the women seeking help from his clinic.  Dr. K and Dr. Y have mutual patients.  Dr. Y knew that.  If Dr. K had that impression that he couldn’t care less even with the knowledge that Dr. K is also a practitioner, how would he treat me?  Dr. K’s conclusion is that, if I can, stick with Dr. E because I’d never find a doctor who would give me the level of care I’ve been getting.

That was a long explanation of why we haven’t made up our mind as to what the next step is.  With our savings, we can see Dr. E for three more cycles that we would pay out of pocket.  After that, I don’t know what we will do.  With Dr. Y, we can do nine mini IVF cycles or natural cycles even with his recent price hike.  I am torn.  What if nothing results from the cycles with Dr. E?  Then I begin to pray for God to give me a clear direction and take away my fear, because fears do not come from Him.  If God leads us to one direction, God will see us through.  I just wish that I always have that faith about God and what He intends to do in my life with His plans.

My infertile pregnant friend continues to write me daily messages.  I have not had the guts or energy to write her an email telling her off.  So she continues her way.  She finally declared that she would go back to work on Monday.  I was so happy because that would mean that she won’t have time to write me online messages as her job is demanding.  The other day she wrote me and said, “By the way, do not give up!  My mom’s cousin’s wife did a few rounds and she finally gave birth this past weekend.”  I said, “You know, giving up is the last thing that I’d do.”  Then she said, “Good. I’m hopeful that you can do it.”  Really, I know she means well, but she does rub me the wrong way sometimes.

I shared with another friend of mine over lunch of our IVF journey.  I debated whether I should share or not.  I eventually decided that I would, since it has been a big part in our lives.  This friend is 40 years old and not married.  She has already given up on having kids in her life.  So after I shared with her, she asked two questions.  The first one was if we had considered or would consider adoption.  My answer was, Yes.  Then I asked her, “Do you know how much adoption would cost?”  I told her the figure.  Then she said, “It seems like doing IVF would cost as much, right?”  Well, I wasn’t going to go into details about the differences and the hardships for both and all that.  The second question hits home a little bit harder.  She asked if I had ever thought about the possibility of not having a normal pregnancy or having a special needs child at this age.  What I said was, “Even younger people have a chance of having children with birth defects.”  Do we stop living life and living out our dreams because we fear that there is a possibility of having babies with health concerns?  I don’t know.  I wasn’t particularly bugged by either question but I am just amazed at how quickly people come to conclusions about other people’s fertility.   I wonder what she would fall off her chair if I had shared with her my thoughts on donor egg and donor embryos.

Anyhow, this is it for an update.  I would let you know how everything goes at the wedding and if I would get bombarded with questions about babies.

 

Annoyances

What is more annoying than not getting a positive OPK for many days?  Finally getting a positive OPK but ovulation is no where to be found.  

We have been diligently having our BD sessions everyday. Bob was sick over the weekend but he has been a very good sport.  He fell asleep early on Saturday night when he was suffering from a sore throat and high temperature and got knocked out by NyQuil.  Other than that one night, baby making has been high on our agenda.  I usually ovulate on CD 13.  However, I didn’t get a positive OPK until CD 16.  I was so excited that my poor husband could finally rest as positive OPK to me means just doing the deed for one more night and then temperature would usually rise in two mornings.  No such luck this time.  Temperature is still low today, which is CD 18.  I find it very very annoying.  I do want to get the show going and start my two week wait rather than wondering when an egg will pop.  Egg white cervical fluid came and went.  Cervix has been high and soft.  But… as you all may know, low temperature = no ovulation.  I know this is the cycle immediately after the our failed IVF #2.  So my body may be doing some wacky things.   All my calculations of the next cycle and when we should cycle in November if we choose to do a fresh one are offtrack.  You think that I should’ve learned by now that nothing is predictable or reliable when it comes to baby making.  

In other news, I have been feeling a tad nicer to people this week.  Then the following happened.  My infertile pregnant friend continues her extreme pregnancy sickness and extended rest at home from work.  Yup.  That’s the friend with the famous line of “Let nature take its course; It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  She continues to write me messages everyday.  I sometimes write back, sometimes don’t.  The other day, I chose to write back and engaged in this exchange with her:

Her:  By the way, heard ICSI works.  Have you guys looked into it?

Me: (Cue eye rolling and suppressing my urge to say something mean and sarcastic) It’s just a part of IVF.  We’ve done it.

She then asked me a bunch of questions about our IVF cycles, which I answered.  Then…

Her:  As long as you are still producing eggs, it is still hopeful that there will be success.  Just be persistent.

Me: (Cue major eye rolling) …………

I chose to NOT respond to that.  First of all, I don’t know why she felt an urge to make IVF suggestions to me.  Anyone who has already done a round or two of IVF probably has the knowledge of what each procedure does and how each one helps.  I know that not all would do ICSI but most likely would have looked into it.  Does she assume that I didn’t do my research?  What does it mean that by “heard ICSI works”?  Who did she hear it from and who did it work for?  I reject anything so generic and one-size-fits-all.  I know she might have meant well but the effect of it was totally opposite of what she intended.  I am not as quick as my hubby when it comes to responding to such a comment with a good comeback.  When I told him what she suggested, he said, “I heard sex works too”.  Heehee.  

And don’t even get me started on part two of her advice.  Just be persistent?  Hm…  I don’t know what part of my life is not being persistent when it comes to trying to have a take home baby.  Is it the drive of at least an hour each way five to six times during each IVF cycle to see my RE?  Or is it the daily injections of four to five vials of medications on my belly?  Or maybe it is the phone calls to the insurance company, pharmacies, and doctor’s office countless times to get the best out of the money that we pay?  Could it be the thousands of dollars that we have thrown into this route or the tens of thousands more that we will continue to drain?  Or maybe it’s the time, effort, and money that we put into acupuncture, Maya abdominal massage, or Chinese herbs.  I don’t know.  I sometimes just cannot stand someone who knows nothing about the struggles of having the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve and failing IVF cycles to give me advice about what I should or should not do.  

And then the chat got even better.  Many hours later, she typed:

“Have u ever had a slight cold during pregnancy?”

What the heck?  I have NEVER EVER gotten pregnant before.  Why the heck did she ask ME?

Then she realized that she typed in the wrong window and asked the wrong person.  But she did not apologize for asking the wrong question to the wrong person who might really mind her asking such a question.  She just said, “I’m trying to get rid of my stupid cough.”

Maybe I have become bitter and resentful towards this friend.  Bob thinks that I should just block her from gchat so she does not continue to make suggestions, give advice, or share her pregnancy annoyances with me intentionally or unintentionally.  I am really not the best person for her to share about her pregnancy ups and downs.  

I have been praying for a heart of love, openness and acceptance, one that is free of jealousy, annoyance, and self-pity.  I have to say that on some days it is a huge struggle.  I have to tell myself that it is okay to feel these things.  I am a work in progress.  I hope nobody is expecting me to be perfect and always nice and happy.