About five months ago, I had a little conflict with my out-of-town friend Chloe because she had said some hurtful things to me when she learned that I wasn’t going to attend dinner with her and our other friends, including my pregnant friend Leanne. I love Leanne and usually wouldn’t mind seeing her, but I just couldn’t see her the week after I got my BFN for my last Own Egg cycle. Chloe and I have since mostly made up. I promised her that I would see her when she is in town in August. Here we are. The dinner has been planned for this coming Friday.
Originally when Chloe arranged for this dinner, she only asked me, Leanne, and another friend. We are the core group of people. Last week, she sent out a text to the three of us and then three more people regarding dinner. There were two phone numbers that I didn’t recognize. I really do hate it when she does this: inviting people that I don’t know. It makes it really hard to talk about anything. I can predict that there will not be much catching up, especially sitting next to people you don’t know. It defeats the purpose of getting together when you can’t even talk about your life.
I am friends with one of the extra girls that Chloe invited. Let’s call her Candace. She got married last year at age 38, so I was quite sure that she was going to try to have a baby. I haven’t seen her since her wedding. She texted back saying that she might or might not come to dinner because she lives and works two to three hours away from the restaurant, and would need to leave at 2pm to make it to dinner.
Well, Candace, who usually is not active on Fac.ebook, suddenly posted her baby shower photos. Baby shower photos! What? I was totally surprised and felt blindsided. Apparently she is due in October, and her coworkers threw her a surprise baby shower, so she had to post it. I don’t blame her for posting and announcing, but my first reaction was that I just wanted to hide from her and escape dinner. If our last transfer had succeeded, my due date would be October as well. If she comes to dinner, imagine this: I will have to hug her, say congratulations, and I am quite sure others will be oohing and ahhing over her bump, pregnancy, new life, etc etc. This is too much of a trigger for me. When I said yes to dinner, I didn’t sign up for a soiree with a pregnant woman. This is different from having dinner with Leanne. Candace and I aren’t close friends and we don’t necessarily have to get together. This is a situation I really didn’t have to subject myself to.
I went to bed feeling bugged. And I woke up feeling bugged. Bob told me that I should skip dinner and was a bit mad at me for torturing myself by still going. But I really can’t bail this time. If I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe, I better make it to dinner. So Bob’s question is, why do I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe? We really go way back. She and I went through a lot as friends. It is stupid for letting these things go between us. But it’s also very sad that I do not look forward to our dinner. Going to this dinner stresses me out. All this week I will have to work on getting myself mentally ready to spend two hours enduring the talk of pregnancy.
If Chloe had already known of Candace’s pregnancy and still invited her, I would be very mad at her. I guess I can’t expect her to understand how I would feel because I guess to her it has never been that big of a deal. Probably in her mind, I, as an infertile, just have to handle my emotions for the sake of friendship. To me, it’s almost asking for too much from her to give it a little thought about how I might feel sitting there staring at a seven-month baby bump and listening to pregnancy talk.
I don’t even think that it’s worth it to talk to Chloe about my feelings. After the conflict last time, I just feel that the divide between her and me is too wide when it comes to my point-of-view as an infertile person. So this is what I will do. I will just suck it up and go to the dinner, smile, say my congratulations, and pretend to be happy. I know that it doesn’t match my usual way of handling things: being honest and transparent. However, this time I just really feel that it is not worth it.
Or, maybe Candace will decide not to go. After all, it is probably no fun to sit through three hours of traffic while you are 7-month pregnant.
Either way, I think I will do fine. I just need to vent.