About 4.5 weeks ago, I wrote about my friend whose gestational carrier was 3 cm dilated while carryings twins for her. It was 23.5 weeks or so. Her GC had been placed on bed rest at the hospital since then. The goal was to get to 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, and then 36 weeks. My friend had had some difficulties communicating with her GC in terms of her attitude in general and cooperation with the bed rest rules. I won’t go into details about it but it had been stressful for my friend who lives 8 hours away. Everyday she was dealing with the legal aspect, the GC’s front, and worrying about the babies being born so early, as well as the insurance and the extra cost of having a GC on bed rest. Well, yesterday morning she sent me a text saying that her GC went into labor a little while ago. Yesterday was 28 weeks. She and her husband weren’t told details. They booked the first flight out and needless to say missed their twins’ birth. When they were at the airport, they were told that their babies were born and taken to the NICU but weren’t told their conditions. When she got to the hospital, since her prebirth order was still pending as 28 weeks was still early, she had to get permission to see the babies. She finally saw the babies. They were initially on feeding and breathing tubes. Since then, the babies have been moved to CPAP in the afternoon and they seem to be breathing on their own most of the time. Her GC said No to providing breast milk to them even though the doctors said that it is critical for her babies. Basically, everything is a mess. Her husband has been on the phone with the social worker and attorney to expedite the birth order. They are now 8 hours away from home and will be there for some time. She already feels inadequate and feels like a failure to have to use a gestational carrier to have a baby. I can only imagine how she feels now. If she could carry her babies herself, she would be extra careful with keeping the babies inside for as long as possible. She wouldn’t say no to pumping breast milk for her own babies. She wouldn’t have to be so far away from home and have no control over many things. Looking at her situation, I am so thankful for having a very positive birth experience with our babies. We got to fly on a plane as planned, spend time with Annie as planned, watch the babies’ birth as planned, and fly home with them as planned. No extra care was needed. What I had was a miracle and it makes me cherish having my kids so much. Sometimes their behaviors make me frustrated, but I look at their health and growth, I have nothing but gratitude for Annie’s selfless acts. Please keep my friend’s emotions and physical strength, her GC’s recovery, and her babies’ growth in your thoughts and prayers as they navigate the next many weeks of time in the NICU.
A person posted a question on a parenting group I am a part of on Fac.ebook. It said, “If you could/do get to do pregnancy again what would you do differently?”
Scrolling down, I saw someone’s response, and immediately felt almost revolted by it. She wrote, “Hire a surrogate!” Many people liked or even clicked on the laughing emoji on that response. My negative reaction probably came from my assumption of the the commenter being flippant and insensitive to those who truly need help with carrying a pregnancy. I was offended by how easily people think surrogacy would be. If I had a chance to experience pregnancy, I would.
While brushing my teeth that morning, I was thinking about that response, and it really bugged me. Afterwards, I decided to respond to that. I reworded and revised my response several times, but ultimately chose to say this: “For those who were/are infertile and need/needed to have a gestational carrier to build their families (like myself), it is often a long, expensive, and painful process. I hope others don’t take it lightly.”
I went on my day. Then that commenter responded: “I do not, and did not mean to be glib. But were I, at (very nearly) 40 addressing having another child, I would very seriously be considering surrogacy because we all understand the rigors of bringing a human into the world and even if I could (unknown), I’m not for putting my body through that again.”
I don’t know what she went through with her pregnancy, but it sounded traumatic. I am glad I responded to get clarity on her initial short answer. If I had not, then I would have carried this grudge secretly against this stranger just because I assumed that she was thoughtless in her answer. I am also glad that I took this chance to speak up about this topic. It doesn’t hurt to educate the public and share our points of view from the perspective of parents who have children via gestational surrogacy, even if it’s just one person at a time.
A reader emailed me last week asking me a question that I thought would be good to address in my blog. I am not at the liberty to share the details of her journey, but for various serious health reasons, she needs to use a gestational carrier after needing to use donor eggs. After grieving the loss of her genetic links, she is now experiencing the loss of not having a chance to carry her baby. Since I have walked this same path, she is curious as to how I feel now that I have had my babies for the last eleven months.
How do I feel now that I am a mother to my babies whom I didn’t carry or contribute to their genes? I love both of them with all my heart. I feel tremendously privileged and honored that God chose us to be their parents. Sometimes I look at them and still cannot believe that I am their mother. They are precious, beautiful, fun, and perfect. I cannot imagine life without them and I cannot imagine having children other than them. Does it still hurt that their genes came from a donor? Absolutely. Do I still grieve the loss of not carrying them? Yes. However, these thoughts don’t come to my mind too often. Life currently is full, hectic, chaotic, and fun-filled. On a day to day basis, the fact that I didn’t carry them doesn’t come into my mind too often. They know me and me only as their mom and it will remain that way. I think more about having had to use a gestational carrier when the moms in my moms of multiples group talk about breastfeeding or changes in their bodies after giving birth. However, these topics don’t make me feel overly sad or emotional. I just can’t and don’t participate in these topics because of the lack of first-hand experience or knowledge. Not being able to carry the babies doesn’t diminish my love for them. On the other hand, I do think about our donor from time to time especially when I look at my daughter’s face. She looks more like the donor than my son does. My baby boy looks exactly like his daddy and does not remind me of our donor. However, Bunny has the donor’s features, and looking at her sometimes is like looking at the donor. Her beauty sometimes makes me think about how she’d look so different if she shared my genes. This is highlighted when people comment on how she looks nothing like me and my husband’s genes are very strong. These comments sometimes make me uneasy but I have accepted that this comes with the package. My baby girl looking like the donor does not make me love her any less. I marvel at the unique looks and personality traits of her and her brother, and I just feel so blessed to be their mom. A friend of mine who may have to consider the donor egg route tells me repeatedly that she is fearful of not being able to love her future children made with donor eggs. I tell her that truthfully there is no time to think about these things. When I have a moment, all I want to do is to get enough rest so I have enough energy to chase after these babies. Like I said earlier, I do still feel a sense of loss from time to time. It probably will never go away, but my life is so full now these feelings are far and few between. Does that erase the previous five years’ pains and heartaches? No it doesn’t. The experience and journey stay with you forever. Once infertile, forever infertile. But this history doesn’t define me. It is a part of my life, but so is my life as a stay-at-home mom to my precious children. Fighting so hard to have these babies does make me appreciate them more even when dealing with their crying and screaming in the middle of the night or their tantrums.
These are just my feelings, but I hope this post is helpful for those who are considering donor eggs and/or using a gestational carrier to fulfill your dream to become a mother. Feel free to write me for any questions at binkymoongee at gmail dot com.
No, I am not getting a hysterectomy. This post is about our gestational carrier.
Annie and I don’t talk much. I send her pictures of the kiddos every now and then especially for something funny or memorable, such as Bunny looking serious on a swing or the babies playing together peacefully in the play pen. The other day, I sent her a series of pictures of Bunny climbing on our window like a Spiderman. (This crazy baby girl held onto the window frame with her hands, propelled her feet up the glass, and pulled her whole body up on the window. I was right behind her holding onto her body to make sure she didn’t fall down. The whole action of climbing up was all hers.) We were joking a bit on FB messenger about the babies and I said with an active child like Bunny, I’d need a lot of prayers.
Annie said that she’d definitely pray for us. And then she said, she would ask prayers from us.
This is what she told me. She said that she is going to have a partial hysterectomy end of August or beginning of September. Remember she had tremendous pain in her pelvic area after the birth of the twins. The pains subsided a bit after a surgery and physical therapy. However, she continued to have pains especially during PMS and her cycle which is only 1 to 2 days with intense bleeding. Her doctor believes that she may have endometriosis (!?!?) and something else that she couldn’t recall. She said when he touched that area she almost fell off the table. The doctor suggested a hysterectomy a long time ago, but Annie refused at that time thinking that it would get better with time. It’s only getting worse. She told her husband that she’d wait if we (meaning me and Bob) wanted a sibling. She said she feels scared and nervous, and is mourning not being able to carry again. However, given her pain, she feels that it is the right choice for her. Hopefully not having a cycle would mean that her pain will be gone forever.
I was shocked by this news. I didn’t know that her pain would require such drastic measure. I know how much she wants to help others by carrying for them. It pains me to learn that she can no longer do that. My heart has been heavy ever since I learned of this news. After all, she grew our babies for us and her uterus was the safe home for the twins for 9 months. It made it possible for us to become parents. In some strange way, I am also mourning its loss. I know it is not my uterus that is going to be removed, but I feel that some part of me is also going to disappear. It is difficult to describe this feeling I have knowing that our gestational carrier who carried our babies for us would lose the organ that held our babies. Regardless of how I feel, I love her and want the best for her. I hope and pray that this surgery will be worth it for her in the end.
Bob brings up “the other boy” all the time. He means the embryo that we have in the freezer. During these early days of life with twins, it is really hard for me to imagine taking care of another newborn any time soon. Plus, given how difficult a surrogacy journey is, I have a hard time imagining another round of it in the near future. Don’t get me wrong. As far as gestational carriers go, I believe our experience with Annie was/is the most uneventful and pleasant. Regardless, it was/is still challenging to manage a third party carrying your bab(ies) for you. So this topic will be put on the back burner until the twins grow older.
Speaking of Annie, she’s been struggling physically after the birth of the twins. I usually contact her by text every few days asking her how she’s doing as well as to send her the babies’ photos. She responds with Oohs and Ahhs as she loves them and thinks that they are perfect (which they are, I might say). She said that people assume that it was difficult for her to hand the twins over to us after the birth. She often tells people that this aspect of the surrogacy was actually the easiest to deal with, as she can’t think of anything better than carrying babies for their loving family and not having to take care of newborns. To see them grow and be happy and healthy is the biggest joy for her. The most difficult aspect is the physical healing after the birth. Her uterus healed wonderfully. However, hemorrhoids were still bothering her a great deal. She had gone to the specialist to band the ones from the pregnancy. After the procedure, she continued to feel the pain at her pelvic area which to her specialist it wasn’t typical. She was referred to a pelvis specialist who eventually diagnosed her with pelvic floor myalgia. The initial course of treatment is taking Val.ium vaginally and 12 weeks of physical therapy. Emotionally she’s been struggling with how difficult the physical healing is after twin birth. She has been feeling a bit depressed. She also came down with a cold that hasn’t healed in two weeks. She was in so much pain (despite the meds and the physical therapy) on Thanksgiving day that she could not enjoy her favorite holiday to the fullest.
A little while after we texted about her new diagnosis, she told me that she’d give me a call to catch up. I waited for her phone call but never heard from her. I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t follow up, but I did wonder if she had anything specific she wanted to say. About a week later, I received an email from our surrogacy attorney with an attachment of a letter from Annie’s pelvis specialist stating that her new diagnosis was due to her twin pregnancy. In other words, we as the parents of the twins are responsible for the cost of treatment for this illness.
Here was my initial reaction: I was a little hurt and mad, but at the same time glad. The hurt and the mad feelings most likely came from how Annie handled the situation. Given our close relationship, I thought that she would have informed us first before taking this matter to our attorney formally. I also felt a little emotional that we had to be responsible for the cost of her treatment even 2.5 months after the birth. On the contract, it stated that our financial responsibility for any postpartum complications would end 8 weeks after the birth. Don’t get me wrong. We know that this is our responsibility as she suffers from this problem for the sake of our family and we will pay for it. But it WAS a trigger for me for the fact that it once again reminded me that I wasn’t the one who carried these babies, that we have to shell out more money even weeks beyond the birth. The cost of not being able to carry is just never ending. At the same time, I am very glad that 1) Annie finally found the reason for her pain and there is a solution, and 2) having our agency as well as the attorney to be our guide rather than working with a surrogate independently ensures that the appropriate action is taken for various issues.
Like I said, my emotions are complicated. Surrogacy is just complicated despite how civilized and loving everyone has been with one another.
Annie loves these babies though. She enjoys seeing their photos. She has a little display at home that she had shown on social media that shows how much she loves our babies. It is a wood branch with five baby birds on it and a mama bird below it. Needless to say, she is the mama bird and her 3 kids plus our twins are her baby birds. I was so touched when I saw this photo. I am forever indebted to her for sacrificing herself for our family’s sake. I sincerely hope and pray that the course of treatment is the answer to her physical ailments so she can completely heal and move past this chapter of surrogacy to resume her normal day-to-day life.
As for our “other boy” via surrogacy again, it is a serious topic that warrants serious discussions with my husband.
I had a burst of energy the other day so I decided to clean the drawers of our bathroom. It must have been a very long time since I emptied out the drawers. Buried deep inside of one of them were these:
I remember my emotions when I purchased these tests. Some were purchased during my first IVF cycle, and some other ones were for the joy of seeing two pink lines and the word “pregnant” after my first donor egg transfer. I remember being so hopeful and so certain that my own pee would produce the magic word on the Clear Blue digital test or the beautiful pink lines on the First Response test. The expiration dates came and went, and the me in my present day would never use any of these tests or any newly purchased ones on myself. Although I have crying babies outside to prove that one doesn’t need to be pregnant in order to build a family, my thoughts and feelings at that moment were still a tremendous sense of loss of the ability to grow a baby inside of me. I thought I had worked through my feelings about that. I guess grief hits you whenever, especially at unexpected moments. This is a reminder that I will never be pregnant or feel a life grow in my uterus. That feeling sucks.
Needless to say, these tests or their new versions no longer belong to my bathroom drawers.
a few weeks exactly 8 weeks since the birth, but I still can’t believe that Annie kept the babies in for so long/the babies wanted to stay in for so long that we got to travel as planned. The last nonstress test for us was on Monday September 11, and our scheduled C-section was that Friday. Annie passed the nonstress test, but that particular test recorded four contractions. It could be the beginning of something or it could be nothing. Regardless, I was on high alert from that moment on. Dr. OB said that if Annie was to have real contractions or if her water somehow was to break, then she’d go right to delivery and wouldn’t be able to wait for any of us to arrive. The reason was that the drugs to hold off labor would be too dangerous for the babies at that point. I was truly alarmed by that statement. We were merely two days away from traveling. No one knew if the babies would decide to come earlier than planned. I was hoping and praying that Annie and the babies would continue to hold on tight. My phone was always with me and any ringing would make me jump. Annie promised that she would contact me immediately if it got even a little close to her thinking that it was the real deal so maybe we could try to jump on a plane to get there in time. Because of this, Monday and Tuesday were both a little stressful for me as we had already come so close to delivery. If we had to fly earlier, we would have to book all the flights, hotel, and car rental last minute at a much higher cost. Money was not the biggest concern. If we didn’t have to spend the extra money, it’d be great. But if we had to, it was already prepared. Missing the birth all together would be the biggest disappointment of this whole journey. At the same time, I was trying to keep my emotions in check. It would be totally okay for the timing to not go my way as long as it meant for the babies to arrive safely. With this uncertainty, I managed to stay at work until the last planned day. My desk had never been so clean. My file cabinets were all sorted out. My therapy room was free of clutter. My return to work in six months would surely be smooth at least when it comes to space control. The babies made it possible for me to enjoy my last few days of work before motherhood began.
With our suitcases and two original packages of car seats plus car seat bases in tow, my mom, Bob, and I flew to Annie’s state on Wednesday. That day was exactly 38 weeks of the pregnancy. There was no emergency text or phone call from Annie, so we continued our journey knowing that there was a very high chance for us to be able to make it to the birth. We rented a hotel room right across from the hospital. It was a room with a king bed and bunk beds, which was just right for the two of us and my mom. We knew that we wouldn’t be using the room much ourselves during the babies’ hospital stay but it was a good location for a base. Plus my mom could walk to the hospital without needing a ride from us. I was grateful that a hotel was available within walking distance to the hospital. The rental minivan wasn’t something I was used to, but I insisted on driving it (rather than Bob) because I knew full well that a minivan was going to be in our very near future once we got home with the babies. It wasn’t bad driving it, and that particular make and model actually weren’t too impressive as the cargo space was lacking for all the luggage and stuff we had. The 2018 Ho.nda Ody.ssey that we drove was much more impressive. Anyway, I was still appreciative of the available minivan rented at very reasonable rate.
Annie had blood work done at the hospital in the afternoon. I asked what it was for. She said that she was told that sometimes a gestational carrier’s blood might mix with the babies’ blood so the blood type had to be confirmed once again before the C-section so that enough blood would be ready in case a transfusion was needed. Right after the appointment, she and her whole family met us at the hotel before our dinner date. It was just so nice to see her all healthy and well prior to the birth. She really did have the best twin pregnancy one could have asked for. No complications. No bed rest needed. She was still driving, still taking walks, and even attending bible study in the evening. Her bump was big, but wasn’t overly so especially considering that she was at the point 38 weeks pregnant with twins. We all had a lovely Italian meal with Annie, her husband, two younger kids, her oldest with his fiancee, and her brother. Afterward, we took a stroll by the lake across from the restaurant. It was a great time for all of us to catch up with one another and to enjoy each other’s company before all of our lives were going to be changed forever. I was just amazed that Annie could even take a long walk at that point of her pregnancy.
I was still watching my phone very closely that same evening and of course there was no emergency phone call. The next day, I was feeling good as we were coming so close to delivery. I was relieved that we would be able to make it to the birth as we were now staying so close to the hospital. At the same time, I was still feeling a tiny bit anxious that somehow she wouldn’t make it to the hospital in time if her water was to break or some other emergency happened. We installed the car seat bases that morning. We had a lovely visit with Annie’s family that Thursday afternoon as well as to pick up the frame stroller that was mailed to Annie’s house. Then I asked the question: “Are the babies moving?” Annie answered, “They were going crazy after dinner last night, but I haven’t felt them much today.” She said all day long her uterus felt very tight and strange, but it wasn’t really contractions. Suddenly, my mind was filled with worries because of this. Annie reassured me that she was certain that the babies were just resting and they were probably getting ready for the birth as the time was near. But it was hard for me to rest my mind. I have read too many blogs and been on this journey for too long that stillbirths are very much real in my mind. It was so hard to shake the worry. I told Bob who urged me to be excited about the upcoming birth rather than being worried, but my mind just wouldn’t cooperate. I didn’t tell Annie that I was worried. Bob could see it in my face though. Annie did say that she could feel that the birth could be right around the corner even if we weren’t going to have a C-section. Either way, I couldn’t show her my worries, so I just hid my emotions. Sitting there in the backyard with this person who had been carrying our babies for so many months knowing that the journey would end very soon was one of the most surreal, strange, and exhilarating moments in my life. Very difficult to describe. Right before dinner time, we said our goodbyes. The next day would be the big day.
That evening in the hotel room my worries continued to consume my mind and heart. I so desperately wanted to relax and enjoy the last evening before the babies would be in my arms but I just couldn’t. Bob said that I should text Annie and ask about any movements that she felt that evening, but I refused to do so because I didn’t want to alarm her with my worries. Excitement, worries, and nervousness were some of the emotions that I experienced that night. I still managed to have quite a few hours of sleep knowing that it would be the very last night I would be so carefree to sleep through the night.
Annie was due to arrive at the hospital at 5:30am. I didn’t find any text messages from her, so it meant that she didn’t give birth overnight. While we were getting ready to head over to the hospital, Bob saw on Fac.ebook that Kenneth, Annie’s husband, checked in at the hospital online. I was relieved to know that they had already arrived at 5:27am. When we went to the birth center at 6:25am, Annie was lying in a hospital bed with things hooked up on her belly. I could see two monitors on the side showing heartbeats of the babies. That was such a sweet sight for me. I could at that moment drop all my worries believing that the babies were still there and were waiting to make their debuts into this world.
(to be continued……)
Baby A and Baby B are here to join our family!
Bunny, our Baby A, is the girl, and was born at 8:21am on Friday September 15, 2017. She was 6 lbs 9 oz and 19 1/4 inches.
Okra, our Baby B, is the boy, and was born at 8:23am. He was 6 lbs and 20 inches.
They are perfect in every way. We are so so so so in love!
They are more beautiful than I ever imagined.
We are a family of four.
Annie is a rockstar. She is doing well recovering. She spent some quality time with the twins today.
My heart is so full.
Happy birthday babies!
Now we learn to be parents.
I will write more when there is time.
I can’t believe we are still at home. The babies are holding on tight. Today we will have our last nonstress test. If they are still staying put, Annie will have blood test done at the hospital on Wednesday. Our scheduled C-section is going to be bright and early on Friday. It’s crazy to know that whether or not we are ready, the babies will come on Friday at the latest. It still feels very surreal even though our house is looking more and more ready for the babies to come home to.
We got our maternity photos back. I printed out three of them and hung them on the wall next to the window. One of them is very sweet: Annie and I were sitting down with my hand on her belly and both of us looking at her belly. These pictures look great on the wall. And then last night, Bob and I spent a long time doing this:
The lighting is a bit off because the pictures were taken at night. In the morning you should be able to see that the walls are beige/yellow and the wall decals are gray and yellow. We are very pleased with how it turns out. We had to literally stick each piece on one at a time. It really took patience, and it pays off big time. I love how this looks in our nursery.
We were supposed to also put this bible verse right above the dresser/changing pad, but I was too tired after applying the elephant and the giraffe, so it will have to wait.
Annie has also been doing some work. She put together two baskets; one for the OB’s office and the other one for the hospital nurses. Inside the baskets there are homemade caramel corn, Baby Ruth, double mint gum, Sour Patch Kids, and Hershey’s kisses. She also included a card with a picture we took at our professional photo shoot. I thought that was very thoughtful of her. And it tells you how good she has been feeling, that she has the energy to do all of that.
I have been calling this past weekend a bonus weekend since I really didn’t think that we’d have it all to ourselves. It was quite heavenly. I did a Tar.get run and bought a bunch of essentials. We enjoyed lunch and dinner at two of our favorite restaurants. We even took a nap on Sunday just because we could. The babies are allowing us to enjoy some down time before the craziness begins!
If all goes according to plan, Bob and my mom and I are going to fly out on Wednesday. We will spend some time with Annie and her family on Thursday. T-4 days! We can’t wait to see our babies face-to-face.
My guy best friend is currently in town from out of state. Whenever he’s around, we always get together. This time he came one week before his wife did so he could visit his parents with his 7-year-old daughter. When we were making plans for dinner, my friend alerted me that I’d have to be prepared to explain to his little girl why I had babies coming without having a big belly. Apparently he hadn’t told her our news yet. I said I’d be ready to explain. And then he told me that he hadn’t had the talk with little girl about human reproduction yet. When she asked questions about how babies came about, he told her to ask her teachers. I guess he was uncomfortable talking about it and really didn’t want to do it at this point. I told him that 7-year-old is not too early to learn about where babies come from. He said he’d think about how to talk to her.
Fast forward a week later. In the afternoon right before our dinner date, my friend called to finalize the details. Then he asked, “Is it okay if we don’t talk about the babies tonight?” Honestly I was taken aback by this request. He went on to explain that he still hadn’t told his daughter about our situation, and he still didn’t know how to explain human sexuality to her. So he thought that it would be better for us to simply not to talk about our pregnancy or anything that had to do with our preparation.
I don’t know. I was sitting there with my phone in my hand feeling a little disappointed and sad. I know that he wasn’t ashamed of our situation. I know that he does want to celebrate our babies with us. I know that it was solely his problem of having a hard time with this talk with his daughter. It is simply his choice of parenting and it is a decision that has nothing to do with me. But why did I feel that I was less than those who could achieve a pregnancy and proudly present their bumps? Why did I still experience sadness and disappointment that my best friend could not rise above this situation and use this opportunity to educate his young child about unique ways of building a family? If I were pregnant with a big bump, this wouldn’t have been an issue for him because then he wouldn’t have to explain how our embryos got transferred into the surrogate. I know that I am not less than others who physically carry and give birth to their children, but my heart still ached that I could not just proudly talk about our excitement and our future.
Dinner was weird. Bob and I sat there and talked about everything but our babies and surrogate. Our life recently has been so engrossed by the preparation for the upcoming birth of our babies that I felt choked by this enforced avoidance of the topic. It felt so unnatural and tiring to have to consciously watch our words. When I handed my friend a thank you card for his gift, his little girl asked what it was. Bob was so smart that he quickly changed the topic to distract the little girl. And my friend finally asked how we were doing with everything, but it was done in our native language so his daughter couldn’t understand it.
It just made me sad that our joy and pride had become so hush-hush that night.
When we said our good-byes in front of the restaurant, I asked my friend how he was going to explain the sudden appearance of two babies in our life. He said he’d wait to see if school would teach about human sexuality and go from there. I know that his choice does not mean that he isn’t happy for us, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth for a few days because we could not openly celebrate this newest chapter of our lives with one of my best friends.