MicroblogMondays: Surrogate Update

Bob brings up “the other boy” all the time.  He means the embryo that we have in the freezer.  During these early days of life with twins, it is really hard for me to imagine taking care of another newborn any time soon.  Plus, given how difficult a surrogacy journey is, I have a hard time imagining another round of it in the near future.  Don’t get me wrong.  As far as gestational carriers go, I believe our experience with Annie was/is the most uneventful and pleasant.  Regardless, it was/is still challenging to manage a third party carrying your bab(ies) for you.  So this topic will be put on the back burner until the twins grow older.

Speaking of Annie, she’s been struggling physically after the birth of the twins.  I usually contact her by text every few days asking her how she’s doing as well as to send her the babies’ photos.  She responds with Oohs and Ahhs as she loves them and thinks that they are perfect (which they are, I might say).  She said that people assume that it was difficult for her to hand the twins over to us after the birth.  She often tells people that this aspect of the surrogacy was actually the easiest to deal with, as she can’t think of anything better than carrying babies for their loving family and not having to take care of newborns.  To see them grow and be happy and healthy is the biggest joy for her.  The most difficult aspect is the physical healing after the birth.  Her uterus healed wonderfully.  However, hemorrhoids were still bothering her a great deal.  She had gone to the specialist to band the ones from the pregnancy.  After the procedure, she continued to feel the pain at her pelvic area which to her specialist it wasn’t typical.  She was referred to a pelvis specialist who eventually diagnosed her with pelvic floor myalgia.  The initial course of treatment is taking Val.ium vaginally and 12 weeks of physical therapy.  Emotionally she’s been struggling with how difficult the physical healing is after twin birth.  She has been feeling a bit depressed.  She also came down with a cold that hasn’t healed in two weeks.  She was in so much pain (despite the meds and the physical therapy) on Thanksgiving day that she could not enjoy her favorite holiday to the fullest.

A little while after we texted about her new diagnosis, she told me that she’d give me a call to catch up.  I waited for her phone call but never heard from her.  I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t follow up, but I did wonder if she had anything specific she wanted to say.  About a week later, I received an email from our surrogacy attorney with an attachment of a letter from Annie’s pelvis specialist stating that her new diagnosis was due to her twin pregnancy.  In other words, we as the parents of the twins are responsible for the cost of treatment for this illness.

Here was my initial reaction: I was a little hurt and mad, but at the same time glad.  The hurt and the mad feelings most likely came from how Annie handled the situation.  Given our close relationship, I thought that she would have informed us first  before taking this matter to our attorney formally.  I also felt a little emotional that we had to be responsible for the cost of her treatment even 2.5 months after the birth.  On the contract, it stated that our financial responsibility for any postpartum complications would end 8 weeks after the birth.  Don’t get me wrong.  We know that this is our responsibility as she suffers from this problem for the sake of our family and we will pay for it.  But it WAS a trigger for me for the fact that it once again reminded me that I wasn’t the one who carried these babies, that we have to shell out more money even weeks beyond the birth.  The cost of not being able to carry is just never ending.  At the same time, I am very glad that 1) Annie finally found the reason for her pain and there is a solution, and 2) having our agency as well as the attorney to be our guide rather than working with a surrogate independently ensures that the appropriate action is taken for various issues.

Like I said, my emotions are complicated.  Surrogacy is just complicated despite how civilized and loving everyone has been with one another.

Annie loves these babies though.  She enjoys seeing their photos.  She has a little display at home that she had shown on social media that shows how much she loves our babies.  It is a wood branch with five baby birds on it and a mama bird below it.  Needless to say, she is the mama bird and her 3 kids plus our twins are her baby birds.  I was so touched when I saw this photo.  I am forever indebted to her for sacrificing herself for our family’s sake. I sincerely hope and pray that the course of treatment is the answer to her physical ailments so she can completely heal and move past this chapter of surrogacy to resume her normal day-to-day life.

As for our “other boy” via surrogacy again, it is a serious topic that warrants serious discussions with my husband.


6 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Surrogate Update

  1. I’m sorry you are having to deal with additional costs. I myself have conflicting emotions regarding Annie contacting an attorney and you having to deal with this months after the birth, so I can only imagine what you are feeling. Hoping this helps her though. Hope all is going well with the little ones. Looking forward to more updates with them 🙂


  2. Poor Annie. I hope she fully heals soon. As painful as that sounds, it’s wonderful that she didn’t suffer other complications as well. J and I had to shelve the topic of our remaining embryos until the twins’ first birthday. Neither of us wanted to make a rash decision and now we’re glad for that agreement. It was one less thing to worry about in that stressful time.


  3. Yeah, I’m also not sure about how she went about it. If she was too scared to say it verbally, maybe an email asking you about it would have been better, instead of the lawyer route. But yes, glad she does not show any regret in doing it and I sincerely hope the suffering ends soon. Looking forward to the coming months and your thoughts regarding the last embryo.


  4. Money is a very sensitive thing to bring up, and she likely felt uncomfortable bringing it up. I’m not sure why you would be expected to pay for this care if your agreement covered only 8 weeks? Besides of course it’s related to the twin pregnancy. It’s also related to her own pregnancies. I have weakened pelvic floor and it worsens with each pregnancy. So yes my surrogacy pregnancy didn’t help it, it’s not 100% the fault of the babies born thru surrogacy. I will say your term ‘shelled’ I find offensive, and as a surrogate who knows many other surrogates that is often why contracts/lawyers are dealing with monetary issues. IP’s treat money as a transactional burden. Which I’m sure is. It’s costly. But shelling out? Not a respectful approach in my view.


  5. Yeah I’d say she probably felt uncomfortable talking about the money aspect with you and therefore handled it the way she did. I hope that her treatment will help and she’ll be feeling good again soon. Sorry about all the complicated feelings on your side that surrogacy brings up. Glad to hear the babies are still doing well!


  6. I agree with Sabrina. You should offer to pay for half as she had other babies before yours. It’s incredible rude of her to go the attorney route and not call or email you. What if she has issues down the road that she blames on being a surrogate? How much will she milk you for?? I am beyond disgusted with her behavior.


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