MicroblogMondays: Never

I had a burst of energy the other day so I decided to clean the drawers of our bathroom.  It must have been a very long time since I emptied out the drawers.  Buried deep inside of one of them were these:

I remember my emotions when I purchased these tests.  Some were purchased during my first IVF cycle, and some other ones were for the joy of seeing two pink lines and the word “pregnant” after my first donor egg transfer.  I remember being so hopeful and so certain that my own pee would produce the magic word on the Clear Blue digital test or the beautiful pink lines on the First Response test.  The expiration dates came and went, and the me in my present day would never use any of these tests or any newly purchased ones on myself.  Although I have crying babies outside to prove that one doesn’t need to be pregnant in order to build a family, my thoughts and feelings at that moment were still a tremendous sense of loss of the ability to grow a baby inside of me.  I thought I had worked through my feelings about that.  I guess grief hits you whenever, especially at unexpected moments.  This is a reminder that I will never be pregnant or feel a life grow in my uterus.  That feeling sucks.

Needless to say, these tests or their new versions no longer belong to my bathroom drawers.

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10 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Never

  1. Triggers suck. I found my pile when I was moving. I threw them all out (even though we’re still on the treatments train, there’s basically no situation in which this provides more/better information than the doctor).

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  2. I am so sorry. I doubt that grief will ever fully leave you, but you are proving yourself to be a strong, capable mommy to two babies who will love you forever. It is okay to still be sad about it. I think it is important to work through those feelings when they come up rather than bottle them away. You are strong for sharing your struggle. I know people appreciate it.

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  3. These moments of unexpected grief are so hard. I hope you are able to give yourself the space to be sad – you don’t need to feel guilty about it! I hope even more that the sadness doesn’t last too long.

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  4. Yay you for cleaning out the drawers! Yes, reminders of our loss sneak up on us when we least expect it. But we get better and better at recovering from these ouch moments.

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