I had a burst of energy the other day so I decided to clean the drawers of our bathroom. It must have been a very long time since I emptied out the drawers. Buried deep inside of one of them were these:
I remember my emotions when I purchased these tests. Some were purchased during my first IVF cycle, and some other ones were for the joy of seeing two pink lines and the word “pregnant” after my first donor egg transfer. I remember being so hopeful and so certain that my own pee would produce the magic word on the Clear Blue digital test or the beautiful pink lines on the First Response test. The expiration dates came and went, and the me in my present day would never use any of these tests or any newly purchased ones on myself. Although I have crying babies outside to prove that one doesn’t need to be pregnant in order to build a family, my thoughts and feelings at that moment were still a tremendous sense of loss of the ability to grow a baby inside of me. I thought I had worked through my feelings about that. I guess grief hits you whenever, especially at unexpected moments. This is a reminder that I will never be pregnant or feel a life grow in my uterus. That feeling sucks.
Needless to say, these tests or their new versions no longer belong to my bathroom drawers.