MicroblogMondays: Special Bond

Just like me, two of my friends got to be parents thanks to egg donation and gestational surrogacy.  There is a special place in my heart for the both of them.  One of them actually had a similar timeline as my journey.  Her daughter was born 3.5 months after my twins were born.  I remember meeting up with her a few weeks before her daughter was born to pass on a bunch of newborn clothes to her.  She got to meet my twin babies.  When the babies were little, we were too busy taking care of them and didn’t try to meet up.  She writes me once in a while especially when it comes to talking about feelings of having used donor eggs and a gestational carrier.  When she told me that her young daughter told her that she wished that her mom was the one who had carried her, I teared up as the sentiment hit close to home.  We share a bond because of our special fertility journeys.  My twins and her girl were supposed to meet up for a play date in March 2020.  We all know what happened then.  Fast forward 1.5 years.  The kids finally met up in October for the first time.  My kids and my friend’s daughter became instant friends.  We visited the zoo together, looked at animals, rode the train, had lunch, and played at the playground.  The kids all got along really well and played with one another like they have known one another for a long time.  We met up again this past weekend going on a miniature train ride at a park.  The kids were running around with each other having a great time.  They had group hugs several times too.  After the visit, the twins constantly talked about their little friend and told me how much fun they had.  When I look at the pictures of them hugging one another, my heart melts.  Somehow they share a special bond.  It is so beautiful to see that the friendship between me and my friend has now extended to our next generation.  I think about all the heartaches that the both of us had and how long and how twisted our roads were.  The two people who didn’t know whether we’d become mothers have the privilege to see our children play together.  This is something that I will never take for granted.

MicroblogMondays: Maternity Dress – Rebirth

I bought a maternity dress back in 2016, a few days before I found out that I might never carry my own children.  I wrote about it in this post.  As it turned out, I really never had the chance to get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term.  This very pretty and brand new maternity dress has been sitting in one of my closets all these years.  When my dear friend finally got pregnant after trying for eight years, this maternity dress came to my mind again.  She and I are about the same size.  I suddenly had this thought that I should find it and give it to her.  Letting her have it and wear it with her baby bump is much better than hiding it in a dark closet.  I mentioned it to her when she first got pregnant.  She was so touched and gladly accepted my offer of the dress.  The other day, after realizing that she was almost 16 weeks, I felt that I should really let the dress see the light of day again.  Armed with a flashlight one night (since this particular closet doesn’t have light), I removed a bunch of other clothes and a bunch of Okra and Bunny’s toys to uncover this dress.  This peacock blue dress still stands out as much as when I first found it and bought it.  The tags are still on it.  I showed a picture to my friend and she is thrilled to be able to wear it soon one day.  She has another dress that looks similar but she still wants this dress because it is much more meaningful with its history.  I am confidently that my friend will look great it in.  It almost feels like she is not only going to wear this dress for herself, but for me and for her other friends who didn’t/don’t ever get to carry our own babies.  I said in the post about the maternity dress that one day I might put this dress into good use.  It is never too late. The timing is right as this day has definitely come.  I can’t wait to see her sporting this dress.

Second picture is what the dress would look like on a person (but in black).

 

MicroblogMondays: Finally Pregnant

My friend who had 21 blastocysts from her second round of donor egg cycle is finally pregnant.  Eighteen out of the 21 blastocysts are PGS normal.  Eighteen!  What does one do with 18 blastocysts?  Her mother wanted her to transfer a male embryo mainly because she herself didn’t have a son.  Her husband also wants a boy.  My friend does not have much of a preference so she transferred a male embryo.  She is now 8 weeks pregnant.  Her 6 week scan showed a beautiful heart beat.  I am so thrilled for her!  I know that she is still early in her pregnancy but I am so hopeful that everything will go well, and that she will finally hold her baby after being on this journey for 8 years.  She still has a lot to work on in terms of grieving the loss of genetic connection with her child.  We have had numerous conversations about it.  I had been trying to convince her to see a professional to work through her feelings.  At least she is working with one right now.  It has been quite a trigger for me to walk alongside her on this journey, which is kind of unexpected.  I thought I have done grieving not sharing genes with my kids.  I guess these deep seated feelings don’t totally go away.  When she shares with me how she feels, I often tell her that I sometimes still feel something similar.  I will be curious to see how I fare emotionally as I watch my friend go through her pregnancy while processing her feelings.

MicroblogMondays: Hopeful

I wrote about my friend back in May.  She is my one friend who has been trying for a baby for eight years and is still trying.  She finally decided to pursue egg donation. The eggs from the proven donor that she chose only yielded one blastocyst.  That blastocyst turned out to be unusable.  She was back to square one.  After a lot of consideration, she found another proven donor and started a new cycle in late June.  This is a totally different outcome from the last cycle.  This donor is a super producer as her egg retrieval yielded over 30 eggs of which 20 of them became day 5 blastocysts.  Twenty!  They were all biopsied and sent for testing.  One more day 6 blastocyst joined the group the next day.  My friend will know how many of them are PGS normal very soon.  She is now preparing for a transfer this month.  Yesterday’s fireworks were so loud I was afraid that they would wake my kids up.  I messaged my friend and joked with her saying, “Hopefully next year today you will be cursing these fireworks”.  She laughed asking, “Because they will wake up the baby?”  Exactly.  At the time I message her, she and her husband were driving home from a 4th of July celebration.  I said to her, “Next year you won’t be going anywhere.”  I am hopeful that this will come true for her.

MicroblogMondays: One Last Friend

I have met many friends on my fertility journey.  Almost all of them have had their baby or on their way to having a baby.  Even my friend who has had her embryos for a few years but had a hard time finding a gestational carrier is expecting her first child via surrogacy in October.  And then there is my one dear friend.  I wrote about her when I first met her in December 2014.  She had been banking embryos with her own eggs, one egg at a time.  This process had been going on for years, since 2015.  Her most recent transfer of her day 3 embryos made with her own eggs did not result in pregnancy.  At age 46, after trying to have a baby with her own eggs for the last 7 to 8 years, she finally decided to pursue egg donation.  Knowing that chances of blastocysts and pregnancy are higher with fresh donor cycles than with frozen egg cycles, she chose a three-time proven donor for a fresh donor cycle that would give her the best chance of having enough blastocysts for two children.  I was so excited for her on the day her donor started the cycle.  I thought for sure that she’d be able to have a transfer in a couple of months and she would have a chance to become a mother when she turns 47 early next year.  However, as the cycle proceeded, the news had not been good.  The number of follicles and the E2 number didn’t look too good for a proven donor.  Prior to the start of the cycle, the donor was expected to have about 30 eggs.  As the cycle continued, she was tracking about 20 follicles but her E2 indicated that she might only have 8 to 10 mature eggs.  At one point, my friend was going to cancel the cycle because it didn’t make sense to pay so much money for a fresh donor cycle for 8 to 10 mature eggs.  However, the clinic and the coordinator predicted that the donor would have 18 to 20 eggs and convinced her to continue with the cycle.  She was convinced and the donor proceeded to egg retrieval.  The outcome?  Only 9 mature eggs.  Out of the 9, only four fertilized.  Out of the four, only one became a blastocyst.  At the same time, her friend who also started a donor cycle at the same clinic was a few days ahead of her and got 15 normal blastocysts.  My friend has been so depressed about this whole thing.  It took her a long time to decide to pursue egg donation.  Nobody knows why this cycle didn’t work for this young donor who had great responses multiple times in the past.  It goes to show that even proven donors don’t yield guaranteed results.  It all made it even harder for my friend that this past Mother’s Day she didn’t even know if that one blastocyst from this cycle is normal.  And even if it is normal, if she should transfer it or if she should scrap this all together and find a new donor so that she can have a chance of full genetic siblings for her kids.  I hate it for her that even a supposedly wise choice and easy route is not easy for her, that she has had to go on a roller coaster ride once again, just like how she had been with her own eggs.  I sent her a “thinking of you” e-card on Mother’s day to let her know that I was thinking of her.  I know it is hard for her to see that having a baby is in the cards for her, but like my other friend A told me a long time ago when I was struggling with believing that I would be a mom one day, that “Things don’t change until they change”, I hope that things will change very quickly for her, and that she’ll be holding her baby in her arm some time early next year.

MicroblogMondays: Such Great News

I have these former coworkers that I have been friends with for 23 plus years.  From my 20s to my 30s, these ladies were an integral part of my life.  They were the ones that celebrated my birthday year after year after year when I was single.  We had so many great memories together.  There were also some fallouts between a few of us.  We drifted apart in our late 30s when life circumstances changed, but they continue to be near and dear to my heart.  One of them moved away to another state the year we got married.  Every time she is in town we’d get together.  Otherwise we would very occasionally talk to one another or get together.  When COVID hit, this group of friends started to video chat once a week.  The pandemic is a horrible thing but its existence has helped to bring this group of friends together closer than any other time in the past ten years.  We now know how everybody is doing. We commiserate about the state of our country and share about our lives.  When one of them lost her mother, we were able to be there for her for emotional support.  Four of us are married with kids, and one of them is single.  She is my age and has been dating on and off but has not found a life partner yet.  She happens to also be quiet and often sits back to listen to others and rarely volunteers information.  I wasn’t the closest to her throughout the years but I have grown very fond of her in the last few years.  Ever since COVID hits, I have made sure that I spend some time to talk to her since she lives alone.  A couple of weeks ago, everybody appeared to be quite busy so the video chat was short.  I made sure I stayed behind to chat with my single friend.  I asked her how she was doing and what was new.  To my surprise, instead of talking about her work or her dad, she paused a little and then told me that she was in love!  OH MY!  I was so surprised!  Of course I tried to get as many details as possible.  She met this guy online.  After dating for a couple of months, she decided to welcome him into her pod and they have been dating in person for a couple of months.  She really really really likes him, which makes me so happy for her!  I couldn’t believe that she had kept it a secret from all of us for so long, and chose not to disclose to others during our group chat.  I am so proud of her for putting herself out there during a pandemic and met someone and was brave enough to embark on a new dating relationship.  It takes so much courage to do that.  And she is happy and in love!  I can go on and on about it as I have been so excited for her.  I couldn’t wait for her to tell the others the following week.  Then the next week came, and I got on the call a little late.  At the end of the call, I asked if single friend had given others an update.  I gave her a smile and a knowing look.  She started laughing saying that Isabelle was trying to give me a hint to tell you all what has been going on.  So she again told our other friends that she was in love.  Everybody was so so so psyched for her!  In these dark times, the news of a dear friend falling in love just brings so much joy in my life.  You cannot underestimate the power of positive news.  There is hope that this relationship will come to fruition and my dear friend gets to spend the rest of her life with someone that she loves.  Wouldn’t that be a lovely thing that comes out of a horrible pandemic?

MicroblogMondays: Support

I made a new friend through my previous reproductive endocrinologist Dr. E back in May.  The twists and turns of her fertility journey are as complicated if not more so than mine.  She had just had her first positive pregnancy via a gestational carrier.  Unfortunately, it resulted in a miscarriage.  Needless to say, my friend was devastated.  Bob and I went through something similar prior to our successful transfer of our twins.  I understood how she felt.  Because of this, I have become a support to her because she is such a private person and has not opened up to many people in her life.  I told her something that my friend A. told me, “Things don’t change until they change”.  It became true for her.  The next transfer of two embryos resulted in a pregnancy with twins.  Just like us.  I have been so thrilled for her.  At first it was hard for her to be joyful about it.  Who can blame her?  After a long twisted journey like hers, it is so hard to be happy about this anticipating that another shoe will drop.  As the gestational carrier’s pregnancy progresses, my friend has become a little bit more relaxed each time I talk to her.  We continue to have contact when I give her my opinion on things, encourage her, listen to her, and start helping with getting ready for the twins’ arrival after their 20-week scan.  Last week, this friend called me while I was at the dentist so I couldn’t pick up the phone.  My heart jumped out when I listened to her tearful voicemail message.  At a bit over 23 weeks, her gestational carrier was 3cm dilated, and my friend was devastated.   She just couldn’t bear the thought of having her babies so early and the risk of losing them.  I won’t go into too many details about it, but my heart goes out to her.  After such a long journey and finally waiting to have her babies, she is facing this tremendous challenge.  I am glad to report that her gestational carrier is currently on bed rest and is stable.  Sometimes I wonder why God put me and Bob on this path.  And then I meet a new person who is also on a similar path and I walk with them on their journey.  At that moment, I am thankful that God allows us to have come out on the other side and be an encouragement to those who are going through the same thing.  This is what this is about: a community and a support system for those in the trenches so they feel heard and understood, and that they are not alone.  I am so glad I could be that support for my friend.

MicroblogMondays: More Understanding

A couple of weekends ago my maid of honor and I had a lovely time exploring a new restaurant in town for brunch to celebrate her 40th birthday.  It was a super nice and sunny day.  I picked her up from her new condo and drove to the vicinity of the restaurant.  That neighborhood is notorious for the scarcity of parking spots so I snatched the first one that was about 10 minutes walking distance from the restaurant.  Along the way we actually saw quite a few open spots but it was okay because we were just walking and catching up.  From the time I picked her up to the time we parted, we had about three hours to chat.  It was just so wonderful.  This whole time, despite the distance that I did feel with her in the last couple of years after my babies were born, reminded me of the reason she is one of my best friends.  We just have such great time together.  It warmed my heart that the first thing she asked about was my children.  She listened attentively and asked questions.  Of course we talked about many other things.  I asked her about her feelings turning 40.  She told me that she feels quite good being at this age, but of course feels a little sad about not reaching milestones that she thought she would have reached at this point in her life, such as having a spouse and children.  It is hard sometimes for her to watch others at her age move forward in one direction while she is going another direction.  She told me an example.  She has had a group of friends from college who also moved to this area at the same time with her, so they have been friends for about 20 years.  One of the guys recently had a birthday party celebrating his 40th as well.  She went to that birthday to support her friend, but it was hard for her to be there.  She was the only person there without a spouse or kids.  Everybody’s topics of conversation inevitably surrounded kids.  It was particularly hard for her when all the kids went up there to sing Happy Birthday.  She said, remember how you avoided all the baby showers?  This is similar to that.  But she was brave and still went because of her friend.  I was trying to put myself in her shoes.  I am not so sure if I’d be brave enough to attend.  I am grateful that she shared her thoughts and feelings with me.  It gives me a glimpse into the possible reasons of why there was a distance between us ever since my kids were born.  Sometimes it is just hard to see the ones who are closest to you move forward in life, to have what you don’t have, even the ones who struggled to have babies.  Spending time with her allows me to be more compassionate about her emotions as they remind me of my own feelings when I was in the throes of infertility.  A little empathy goes a long way.

MicroblogMondays: Friendship Change – Follow Up

Almost a year ago, I wrote about being sad that my maid of honor seemed to have pulled herself away from my life ever since the twins were born.  I felt that the distance was due to her having a difficult time dealing with being single and childless when my family had finally started and completed.  Although I was sad, I decided to give her space.  When she moved from her shared apartment into her own apartment, I went to support her on moving day.  We hung out one time in March and another time end of June.  Both times we had a good time.  But as one of my best friends who used to celebrate my birthday on a yearly basis prior to the twins’ arrival, she did not even contact me on my birthday this year.  It wasn’t so much that I was missing out on a good meal with her, but I felt a even bigger sense of loss that things did change between us.  I bumped into her at church several times and each time was a little bit more than awkward somehow.  I have sent her texts periodically to ask her how she is doing and to tell her that I am thinking about her.  Finally back in early October when I saw her at church, I suggested hanging out for dinner one day in the coming few weeks.  She agreed to it and texted a few suggestion for restaurants.  I picked one and we met up one night a couple of weeks ago at a decent/early enough time because Bob was putting the twins to bed.  I am so glad that I don’t take things personally and continue to reach out to her.  As we sat down for dinner, it just felt like the old times.  It reminded me why we were best friends in the first place.  We shared a common interest for good food.  Our conversation flowed with genuineness.  My friend just has had a very difficult year and has been very lost in terms of her career, relationship status, ministry direction, and even her place of residence.  She has been treated unfairly at her work that has left no extra time for her to even have room to breathe.  She hasn’t had time to exercise or cook regularly.  She hasn’t gone on a date for quite some time, and as she is approaching 40 next year, she has felt extra lost in terms of going into a relationship and starting a family.  She has looked into moving to another city or even state but nothing seems like a obvious choice for her to take a plunge.  She has even lost her desires to communicate with God.  As I sat there listening to my friend, I could totally see why there has been a distance.  In this difficult season, she just doesn’t have room spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally to care for other people.  I know that she’ll rise above it eventually and things will look up in the future for her.  She has always been strong.  Although circumstances have changed between us, I feel that the core friendship hasn’t.  We even made plans to go to New Orleans for a girls trip in October 2019.  I am now confident that our friendship will remain strong in the years to come.  The key is not to take things personally and be compassionate for the other person’s circumstances.  I will continue to reach out to her and to care for her.  I hope that she’ll have some clear directions in her life soon.

MicroblogMondays: Friendship Change

I have noticed something after the babies were born: some friendships aren’t the same anymore.

The most obvious shift is with my maid of honor (let’s call her MOH).  She is one of my very best friends.  Throughout this whole journey with infertility, she had been THE prayer warrior for us.  She was the one to whom I would send a text if there was any urgent prayer request.  Even though we were both busy, we often tried to find time to hang out once a month.  Bob often jokes that he doesn’t have to plan anything too nice or romantic for me for my birthday because this friend of mine would for sure take me to a fancy restaurant every time I turn a year older.  This year for my birthday she took me to this Japanese restaurant for a very nice Omakase meal.  We were joking that this would be our very last fancy meal together before the babies arrived.  It wasn’t quite the last meal since we also got together one more time in August for her birthday.  I took her out for ramen and a movie and we had a great time.  That was the last time we hung out before the babies.

I sent MOH a text with the babies’ pictures on the day of birth.  No response.  Being so busy with newborns at the hospital, I didn’t think much of it.  She didn’t write me any emails or texts in the next whole month.  I found it very odd that she hadn’t reached out to find out how we were doing or to meet the babies.  For the meal train that was set up for us, she signed up for meal delivery in mid-November.  Again, no personal texts, calls, or emails.  And this was somebody who would hang out with me at least once a month.  On the day the babies turned one month old, I finally sent her a text asking how she was doing since I hadn’t seen her or heard from her in a long time.  She wrote me back saying that she was looking for us at church but didn’t see us.  We exchanged a couple of texts.  She then said that she’d be coming to us in a few weeks since she was on our dinner schedule.

At that point, this whole interaction left me with an icky feeling.  This is one of my best friends.  Somebody who had been with me through thick and thin for over 15 years.  She stood next to me at the altar on our wedding day and later delivered a toast during the wedding reception so touching that made me cry.  All these years during the worst times of our infertility trials, her prayers and support lifted me up.  Even during the nine months of the surrogacy, she was there praying for us, Annie, and the babies.

I don’t like how distant it has felt with her.

The only explanation I have for this is that maybe she has had a difficult time processing the reality of me having babies.  My friend is a successful professional who is beautiful inside and out.  However, she hasn’t had a lot of luck with dating despite being open and proactive in meeting people both in real life and online.  She desires to be married and have a family but it hasn’t happened.  However, I never felt that it was a problem for her to witness my dating relationship and eventually my married life.  We still hung out like usual and I tried to support her as much as I could.  So maybe this time it really struck her that my life is truly really far from her single, professional life.  Maybe like friends who struggle with infertility, she also struggles with her singleness and the delay in her pursuit of a marriage and family?  Maybe she is having a hard time being there because it is a painful reminder of what she desires?

I really don’t know what happened.  But I miss our friendship.

Mid-November my MOH delivered a super yummy dinner to us.  That was two whole months after the babies were born.  She looked as pleasant as one could be.  She helped us hold the babies.  She kissed them on their foreheads and was tender and loving.  However, I don’t think I was being overly sensitive about this, but I could feel a tiny bit of distance from her.  It was a vibe that was difficult to describe or explain.  We chatted about her life.  She asked about the birth but interrupted me mid-story to ask about something else.  After another ten minutes, she had to go.  Again, something was different and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  And that was the one and only time she saw and hung out with our babies.

MOH and I crossed path at church yesterday in the beginning of the service.  She was on duty as a greeter chatting with someone when I passed by her.  She smiled and asked if I had already gotten a bulletin, then turned her head to continue to chat.  I didn’t see her after church.  Once again, we missed an opportunity to connect with each other and for her to see our babies.

I asked myself if I would ever tell her about my observation or to ask her about it.  I think I will wait a bit to see if she would seek opportunity to come see us.  I reached out with a text yesterday but haven’t heard from her.  Maybe she is really processing her feelings about this, but it makes me feel a little bit sad that there is an unexpected change in our friendship.  My thoughts and feelings during my infertility journey have taught me to be patient with those around me who might be going through their own difficult times.  I think about how I was when one of my best friends was pregnant with her second baby.  I saw her during her pregnancy once and hardly hung out with her after the birth.  I was hurting, so maybe my MOH is hurting too?  I will give her some time and space and hopefully our interaction will be more frequent and back to normal.  It does make feel sad though.  Infertility sucks, and resolution after infertility is not without its challenges.  I do realize that I can’t force things to happen.  Hopefully time and patience will pay off.