MicroblogMondays: I’ve Been There


Remember how I bumped into a lady that I met on an online forum at the clinic a little while ago?  We finally met up for real and had a very good time chatting over ramen on Friday.  We exchanged notes on where we were at during our cycle, and shared a lot about our history.  Her fertility journey is shorter than mine as she’s been trying for a bit over a year.  She went off the pills at 38 and had the foresight to check her hormonal levels before she even started trying to conceive.  Her FSH was elevated, and she has done three IUIs.  She’s currently pursuing her first IVF cycle at my clinic before she turns 40 in a month but things aren’t going as smoothly as she has hoped.  At one point during dinner, she expressed how things are getting so tough, that she questions why she has to go down this path, and that she gets jealous at her fertile friends.  She started tearing up and continued to talk while wiping her tears away.  Looking at her, my heart was full of compassion.  I reached out my hand and held hers.  I saw my 38-year-old self in her and could totally identify with her feelings.  How many times can you actually look into someone’s eye and say “I know how you feel; I know exactly what you are going through”?  Her current experience reminds me of my own sadness, jealousy, doubt, suffering, pains, sense of a loss of justice, fear, worry, loneliness, disappointment, impatience, and confusion the first year and a half of my fertility journey.  I really do know exactly how she’s feeling.  I can’t guarantee anything, but I am a good example that many of those feelings can and will pass.  I am in a much better emotional place right now than two to three years ago.  I know that she wants to try with her own eggs and it’s very hard for her to think about donor eggs.  I just shared with her my own thoughts.  I went from only trying naturally, to IVF, to many rounds of IVF and not considering donor eggs, to seriously considering donor eggs, in a matter of two years.  As these invisible hands push us through our path, I see it more and more clearly what I desire and come to a place of determination to resolve this infertility debacle by trying third-party reproduction.  This all takes time.  I of course do not wish that she’ll come to this fork in the road in her pursuit of a baby.  And if she ever gets to that point, she may well come to a conclusion that living child-free would be the path for her.  It’s a very personal decision and it’s okay to make it whichever way that suits her and her partner.  But I hope that my experience and my current emotional wellbeing will help her see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, although my circumstances are still the same as three years ago.  I am glad I can offer support to her, letting her know that I’ve been there, and there are good days amidst those bad ones.  Being able to help someone in a similar situation makes it a bit less painful to be on this journey.  That’s one of the purposes of having a community, right?


8 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: I’ve Been There

  1. Beautiful sentiments. That’s part of the reason I don’t hold back if the situation arises. I don’t answer every stranger’s question about twins with my infertility story but if it arises in a conversation, I don’t shy away from the truth. It’s amazing how many people have struggled but kept quiet.


  2. I remember feeling the same way too. I really struggled with the idea of donor eggs too. In the end, I didn’t have to go that path, but I really thought we would at one point and you’re right. It’s so hard to wrap your head around at first, but I had begun to come to terms with it too. But as you said, it’s a personal decision and may not be for everyone. Sending you both lots of prayers. This community really is amazing hon and so are you for offering your friend this support when you are going through so much yourself.


  3. Here from Microblog Mondays. The ability to connect and empathize is so important during this journey. Even though infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, most people still feel shame with talking about it. But sharing, you are not only destigmatizing this idea of shame, but also planting an important seed. All who travel this road will resolve in their own way, but sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel comes in unexpected ways.


  4. Donor egg is the kind of thing you don’t even want to contemplate when you’re thinking about your first IVF, but after a few failed cycles it certainly starts to feel like more of an option. I’m so glad you could be there for your friend. I often think that becoming a part of this community, and being there to offer help to friends in real life, is the one good thing that has come out of my entire infertility experience.


  5. That is exactly the purpose of community. I always felt like the door opened to that next decision when I was ready. I could never predict when I would be ready, but one day I’d just look around and say, “okay, I want to try X now.” or “I’m actually okay with Y when I thought I wouldn’t be.”


  6. I imagine it was really helpful for her to talk to someone who does understand. Especially to get some perspective on her journey and that there are lots of different paths along the way.


  7. Amen to community! I’m glad you could be of comfort to her. I could totally relate to being scared to even do IVF and doing donor eggs two years later. It’s a process. But I don’t see myself as having settled and I hope that others see my donor story and see hope and happiness in it. I believe the same will be true with your story.


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