One of my grandmothers is going to turn 97 or 98. (Age and year of birth of that generation in the Chinese culture is often vague.) I haven’t seen her since our trip to Asia in April 2014. It is tough to live so far away from the majority of my family. Grandma had been in very good health until this summer when she fainted and was hospitalized. Physically she is fine. However, her mind might have been a little chaotic. As someone who used to have the best memory (remembering everyone’s birthday), she exhibited some symptoms of mental confusion and at one point didn’t even recognize my cousin who lives with her. She no longer takes the shuttle from her home to the market for her breakfast, which was her routine for 20 years. Her mind has improved since the summer, but it feels that a visit with her overseas is necessary at a time when she is still relatively lucid and healthy and we can still spend quality time together. I do not want to go when it is too late. Since we have been trying to sort out the whole donor egg cycle and surrogacy, there has not been a good time to go. The timing seems good now that we are down to the wire in terms of preparation for our gestational carrier’s transfer. The legal paperwork will hopefully be completed by the second week of October and we are hopeful to do the transfer the first week of November. Grandma’s birthday this year is October 22 (it changes yearly according to the lunar calendar). My brother is set to fly over for a visit around that time. It would be good for me to go around the last two weeks of October just in time for a transfer in the first week of November. I was doing my search of reasonable airfare and then…
I found a little lump on my right breast last weekend randomly while watching TV.
It felt small and it moved around a little, but it was definitely something new. I freaked out a little but decided to make an appointment with my primary care doctor online. I scored an appointment for Monday afternoon. I am not going to lie, but my mind was going fast and I was worried. You know how it is. Our worries about the future cloud our judgment as our mind jumps to conclusion. The worst case scenarios flashed in my head. Fortunately, prayers for peace and the determination to stay away from Goog.le search had kept me sane.
My doctor reviewed my mammogram results prior to coming in the exam room. My one and only mammogram two years ago was normal but did indicate that my breast tissues were dense and fibrous. Upon palpation, my doctor couldn’t even find the little lump at first until I pointed it out to her. She said it felt more fluid-filled, like a cyst. Just to be sure, she also examined my left breast and found a bigger and denser lump on the top left part of it. She said that since this one felt more solid, it’d be best for me to do a scan. She put in an order for a mammogram and told me to go to radiology to make an appointment.
At radiology, I was told that I could be seen immediately. However, the staff members asked me a question that was taped on the counter: Do you have new masses or lumps on your breast? I answered yes. Because of this yes, I was told I had to go to the “Breast Health Services” downstairs. Over there, I was told that I had to be scheduled to see a doctor there first. The first opening is this coming Monday late morning. So that means that I have had to wait a whole week to see this doctor before I can get any scans.
During this week of waiting, I still freak out at times, thinking about the possibility of me being sick and us bringing a baby into this world and the baby not having a mom. The mind can go to the worst place fast. But I am mostly at peace with this and am just waiting for the appointment. I pray that I surrender everything to God as He is the one who is in control. It could be psychological, but ever since these two lumps were found, I could seriously feel my breasts throbbing with soreness at times. Speaking with others helps. Both of the coworkers that I spoke with have had the same happen to them. Both were checked out and were fine. It’s helpful to know that the results could be normal. This has also freaked Bob out. The first night was the hardest as he was worried and wondered why we had to deal with one thing after another. He has since then calmed down and has also just been waiting patiently for the appointment next week.
Because of this new development, I have been hesitant with the trip to Asia. What if these lumps are more serious than I would like? What if treatment is needed? What if what if what if. I have delayed looking into plane tickets but then I am also mindful that I would like to be around for all the initial scans that Annie, our gestational carrier, would have if/when we get pregnant. It will be even harder to schedule a time to go see my grandmother in the near future once a pregnancy is achieved if I want to be as present for the pregnancy as possible. So I have decided to purchase my plane tickets this weekend regardless of the outcome of the exam on Monday.
It is sometimes difficult, but I am determined to focus on the good things: seeing my family, spending time with my grandma, and being full of anticipation for our upcoming transfer. I pray that the exam on Monday yields good results so that my mind can rest and truly enjoy the good things that life has to offer.