MicroblogMondays: Without My Husband


This will be the longest Bob and I are apart from each other since we got married.  I wish he were here with me in Hong Kong.  The trip is not the same without him.

Why didn’t he come, you may ask?  This is kind of a last minute trip as an effort for me to spend some time with my aging grandmother and celebrate her 98th birthday before we embark on our journey of maybe/really/hopefully/finally making a baby.  I anticipate our life to be a little bit busy flying to Annie’s state periodically for appointments when we get pregnant.  Then I won’t have the freedom to just hop on a plane for a trip out of the country as easily as right now, when we are just waiting for Annie’s lining to be built and for the transfer to take place.  If Bob came with me, we would have had to also go to India to see his parents, and two weeks would not have been enough time to visit both places.  Since I just saw my in-laws for an extended period of time in the summer, my presence in India is not required.  However, if Bob had come, then his mom wouldn’t have let him just go to Hong Kong and not fly home to India.  Because of all these reasons, we decided that it was best for me to just do the trip alone.

The 14-hour-flight was actually pleasant.  I slept for 7.5 hours on the plane.  The two movies that I watched were both a trigger for me.  Finding Dory made me think about my unconventional way of creating my family, and Up always makes me cry.  I have watched that movie quite a few times so I started crying even before the flashback scenes got to where Ellie was told she couldn’t have a baby.  I didn’t care about what the guy next to me would think of me and cried an ugly cry.

Once I got off the plane and freshened up at home, my dad and I went to see my grandmother.  She has aged quite a lot.  Compared to how she looked and sounded 2.5 years ago, she is now a lot slower with her movements and her response time.  She has become more suspicious about people and things and her memory has deteriorated.  She doesn’t go out anymore unless my dad gives her a ride.  She walks very slowly and insists on using her umbrella as her support rather than a wheelchair or a walker.  My dad only drops her off at places where she does not need to walk up and down the stairs or even an escalator.  When I speak to her, I need to speak slowly and often repeat myself several times.  It pains me to see her this way as she had been so mobile and lucid for so many years.  And it also pains me to know that it will be a little while before she can meet my future child.  I just hope that she is still going to be around for that.

My BFF and I met up the first day I arrived.  It was great to see her as the last time we hung out was 2.5  years ago.  We have known each other for 30 years. I had to catch her up on all that has happened to us including the whole history about our donor disappearing, frozen DE cycles failing, the need to use a gestational carrier, the whole fresh DE retrieval with the twist of positive cocaine urine test and to the most recent development of waiting for a transfer.  Just like many other people, she asked if we had thought about adoption since it’s not my eggs or my uterus in this endeavor, as if adoption is automatically the best plan for those who can’t get pregnant naturally.  I gently explained to her our choice and the rationale behind that without being offended or emotional.  Education is the best way to respond.  And yes, even though it is not my eggs or my uterus, I still want to start my family this way.

I realized that it would have been so much more fun to have Bob around.  Coming here by myself, many people asked me what I wanted to do.  To me, this is just me coming home and having a chance to hang out with my friends and family. If Bob had come, we would be taking many different modes of transportation and going to many different places. Without him being here, I don’t have a lot of motivation to do much. I’ll be seeing my old friends of 30 years as well as my college friends. I originally didn’t want to see my old friends since they don’t know much about my fertility journey.  I didn’t want to get together with them and their kids. It would just remind me of how far they have gone with growing their families while I’m still trying to get started. I thought more about it and decided to have a girls’ night without kids.  That way we can still catch up and I will not be constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have.  I’ll also be going to my grandma’s birthday banquet and will see all my younger cousins and their new babies.  I just hope that no one will ask me when I will have mine.  And I hope even more that if someone does ask me, I will handle their questions with grace.

Thanks to technology, Bob and I get to talk to each other and see each other’s faces on video chat. It makes life a little easier without him around. Ten more days before I go back to my husband and fourteen more days before our transfer!

MicroblogMondays: We Have the Best Gestational Carrier


I have many things to be thankful for.  Having the best gestational carrier is definitely one of them.

In order to have a transfer on October 31, we needed to get the gestational carrier agreement completed and signed by last Wednesday.  Annie, our gestational carrier, was great.  She received the draft on Monday at noon and read it completely by 3pm.  She had a few questions that she had to run by her attorney.  Her attorney didn’t get back to her until Tuesday morning.  Annie let me know that she and they attorney spoke on the phone and there were a few concerns/questions that our attorneys had to discuss and make changes for.  Annie asked if I wanted to know what those concerns were.  So we spoke about it.

So this is the tricky thing.  Annie lives in a surrogacy friendly state.  However, she is only about 40 minutes from a big town in the neighboring state that is not surrogacy friendly.  In fact, commercial surrogacy is illegal in that neighboring state.  In the contract, there is an item about restricting her from traveling to the next state once she reaches 24 week gestation.  The problem is, Annie’s parents live 8 hours away in that neighboring state and her sister lives in the big town in the neighboring state 40 minutes away from Annie.  Annie goes to see her parents once every couple of years and she just went in the summer.  Her sister sometimes throws birthday parties for her kids and Annie would like to be able to attend.  Annie does not plan on being at the next state big town for more than a couple of hours each time, and she does not plan on traveling to her parents’ place in the near future.  However, she was worried about the what-ifs.  If there is a family emergency such as her parents being very sick, her presence in the surrogacy unfriendly state would be considered a breach of the contract.  She felt that 24-week restriction was a bit too early.  I was glad that she was willing to share with me.  At first I was willing to adjust the restriction to 35 weeks.  However, Bob didn’t feel very comfortable with that since 35 weeks is so close to delivery.  So we agreed on 32 weeks and that she could only go for a family emergency that requires her presence after 32 weeks and with OB permission.  And we agreed that if she was to somehow deliver while visiting her parents, she’d try her very best to deliver in the next next state, as her parents live 45 minutes away from a surrogacy friendly next state.  I checked that there is a hospital there with a level 4 NICU.

I didn’t wait for the other attorney to contact my attorney.  I took matter in my own hands and presented the case to my attorney and cc’d Annie, agency owner, and Bob.  My attorney responded within ten minutes.  This is what she wrote:

Note there is significant risk if she were to deliver unexpectedly in [surrogacy unfriendly neighboring state] since surrogacy is illegal there. If she were to deliver in [surrogacy friendly next next state] , it would be fine.  It is a simplified legal process and we could establish parentage fairly easily.  If you are comfortable with the potential risk, we can modify the language from 24 to 32 weeks and provide for travel after 32 weeks only in an emergency and with OB approval. However, if Annie doesn’t plan to travel to [surrogacy unfriendly neighboring state] during pregnancy anyway, then I would keep the 24 week restriction but add the exception so that anytime after 24 weeks she can only travel if there is a family emergency that requires her presence and OB approval. There is just a lot of risk with [surrogacy unfriendly neighboring state].  So while I understand the exception language, I would apply the exception for any travel past the 24 week mark.”

I asked her to clarify the legal consequences for delivering in [surrogacy unfriendly neighboring state], she said:

I’m not licensed to practice there so I don’t know all of the ins and outs of what might occur, but what I can tell you is that [surrogacy unfriendly neighboring state] prohibits any kind of paid surrogacy. Any surrogacy agreement for compensation is void and wouldn’t be enforced.  Meaning, you’d have to go through an adoption process.  Also, the parties to an agreement could face criminal charges as a violation of the statute is a gross misdemeanor.”

Oh definitely not what we would want to deal with.

So here comes the part where I think and feel that we have the best gestational carrier.  I texted Annie and told her that there was a lot to digest, and please take her time and let us all pray about it.  It would be okay if we didn’t get the contract done on Wednesday.  It wasn’t even a few minutes before she wrote me back with this:

“Kenneth and I are comfortable with the language of 24 weeks and traveling if family emergency with OB permission.  A little sacrifice for your big reward!”

Boy that was when I started to tear up.  This is a woman who has Bob and my best interest at heart.  She is willing to sacrifice her freedom of going to see her family because of us.  She understands how important it is for us to stay put in her state and not to venture into the next state where legal consequences are dire.  I asked her if she was okay even if she couldn’t go to her sister’s kids’ birthday parties.  She was okay with it.  I texted her back saying, “Did I tell you already that you and Kenneth are lovely people?  You are both so lovely and I am tearing up.”  She wrote back, “That’s why we’re doing this together.  You and Bob are awesome and we can’t wait for you to hold your baby together!”

Our legal team is awesome.  We received the final copy of the agreement with all the changes.  We all signed on Wednesday.  Dr. E received the letter of legal clearance Wednesday evening at 8:30pm.  Because of that, Annie could take her last birth control pill on Wednesday and go to her ultrasound appointment on Thursday.  She reported that everything went well with the ultrasound.  We got the Okay from Dr. E’s office and Annie will start her estrogen pills today!  I couldn’t believe how quickly everyone got the agreement done. Because of that, we are on our way to our transfer on October 31, 2016.

God has carried us through many trials and triumphs during this journey.  It was definitely NOT our doing to have come across such a perfect surrogate for us.  I trust her 100% on doing her best to take care of our baby.   We have already booked the plane tickets for her and her husband to come for the transfer.  With all of these things done, I feel so relieved to leave for my trip to visit my grandmother in Asia this coming Friday without much to worry about.  This is such an exciting time and hopefully everything will continue to fall into place for the rest of our journey.

MicroblogMondays: Gestational Carrier Agreement


Last Tuesday, I looked at the calendar sent by Dr. E and found out that in order to have a transfer on October 31, Annie will have to take her last birth control pill on Wednesday October 5th and have a pelvic ultrasound at a local clinic on Thursday October 6th.  And Dr. E would like to receive the legal clearance from our attorney before the scan.  So it means that we had about a week to finish reading, changing, and signing the gestational carrier agreement.

Well, let’s just say that we are cutting it very very close.

At that point, I still hadn’t received our first draft of the contract yet.  I emailed our attorney and her paralegal about the exact date that the contract would have to be done.  They responded to us with a promise that we should have the draft in the next few days.  “Few” could mean 2, 3, 4 day, or longer.  This is the process: upon receipt of the draft, we would have to read it, make changes, send it back to our attorney for the changes, and then pass the draft to my gestational carrier’s attorney so that the attorney can go over it with our GC.  So it could potentially take another week, which means that we would have to push the transfer back.

My immediate response was feeling stressed.  It was interesting that I felt that way because in reality an October 31 transfer and a November 7 transfer do not make a huge difference to us.  We should devote our time to make sure that the contract’s terms are accurate instead of rushing it.  Worrying about it means that I don’t trust God’s timing.  If I have learned anything in this process, it is to trust God and His timing.  Me rushing things doesn’t get me anywhere. But yeah, my reaction was probably not out of the ordinary.  Since we have been waiting for so long, it’s natural for us to want to get it over with as soon as possible.

After that realization, I had just been waiting patiently.  Wednesday, nothing.  Thursday, nothing.  Friday I woke up at dawn with a headache, checked my email, and was pleasantly surprised to find the draft of the agreement in my inbox.  Since I couldn’t fall back asleep, I entertained myself with the whole 30 pages of this legal document on my little iPhone screen.  Such a fun activity for 5:45am.  That day I spent my whole lunch time (and some more) writing down the corrections of typos and changes that were necessary.  It was a lot of work.  Our donor’s agreement was 19 pages and that was a lot to read.  So 30 pages was just so much more fun (not).  I was surprised to find that errors included the gestational carrier’s name and her husband’s name at various places being wrong, as they weren’t changed from a previous draft with another client.  I thought that it was quite a record to have read all those pages and emailed the changes back to our attorney within 12 hours of receiving the document.  My head was literally spinning after focusing so hard on the computer screen.

So why is the document 30 pages long?  It includes literally everything needed to protect us and our gestational carrier and her husband: psychological evaluations and testing, insurance, details about transfer, conduct during pregnancy, restrictions on travel due to Zika virus and after 24 weeks to stay in her own state, medical emergencies and how things should be handled, early termination and fetal reduction, delivery details, custody upon birth, parental rights, contact post birth, disbursements of compensation and allowance, compensations for bed rest, D & C, C-section, and other things, health insurance and medical expenses…  So can’t blame me for feeling dizzy after reading such a document.

The good news is that the attorney also did her part, made all the changes, and sent the revised agreement to us on Sunday.  It’s wonderful to know that she also wants to help us with the deadline as much as she can.  Hopefully my gestational carrier’s attorney will go over the agreement with her today so that we can actually have the agreement signed by Wednesday.  If not, I am at peace with waiting another week for the transfer.

Either way, we are on our way to a transfer, and hopefully a baby in the very near future!


The breast scare turned out to be nothing serious.  Such a relief.  Praise the Lord!

Yesterday’s visit with the doctor at the Breast Health Clinic already gave me good news.  The night before the appointment, I couldn’t even find the lump that was on my right breast.  I touched and searched and it was just not there.  The bigger and more solid one on the left was still there.  God answered my prayers by keeping me at peace with this whole thing.  I went into the appointment feeling calm.  And I really appreciated the doctor’s bedside manner.  She really put me at ease.  I will call her Dr. Calm.  After I told her about my fertility treatment, she shared with me her own infertility journey.  We chatted the whole way through the clinical exam and the ultrasound.

Dr. Calm told me that she went through many rounds of IVF before she finally got pregnant with her twins.  She spotted my pendant that says “Hope” and told me a story.  While they were still in the thick of it, her husband told her that if they have a girl in the future, he’d name her Hope.  And Dr. Calm finally got pregnant with boy/girl twins.  And her daughter’s middle name IS Hope.  We also chatted about her husband being the only child in a traditional Chinese family so the pressure was on from her father-in-law for her to make some boys.  She was very touched when her mother-in-law told her that she’d be equally happen if Dr. Calm was carrying twin girls.

While we were chatting about all this, she carefully palpated my breasts.  And she also couldn’t locate the small lump on the right breast.  She was quite sure that it was a cyst if it came and went so quickly.  She could really feel the bigger, more solid lump on the left breast.  She commented that it felt very mobile and oval.  So those were also good signs.  The ultrasound image showed a dark oval which looked to her like a cyst as well.  However, she said it looked like a cluster of cysts rather than just one cyst.  Just to be sure, she wanted to send me to get a diagnostic ultrasound because her simple bedside ultrasound couldn’t show the depth of the mass.  She said that there was nothing to worry about, but clinically she wanted to make sure that there was nothing hiding below the cyst/cluster of cysts.  She also ordered for a mammogram since the last one was done two years ago.

Dr. Calm then told me an encouraging story about egg donation and surrogacy.  A college friend of hers couldn’t get pregnant and was advised not to carry on her own.  She did both DE and surrogacy and had twins around the same time my doctor did.  The two sets of twins grew up together and are best friends.  She said that her friend is blonde with blue eyes so the donor was as well.  Mixed with her husband of Egyptian descent, my doctor said that the twins looked just like her friend.  Dr. Calm said that she was very hopeful for me for bringing home a baby.

Today I had a busy day running to the radiology department two separate times from work.  The mammogram itself was not so much painful but uncomfortable after being squeezed, moved, turned and told to hold my breath.  The entertainment came from the technician who was also Indian and chatted with me about all things Indian including food, customs, and in-laws.  The afternoon appointment was for the diagnostic ultrasound with a more powerful machine than yesterday’s.  The ultrasound tech took many images of my left lump.  Afterwards, a very eloquent doctor came in to talk to me.  She looked at my mammogram images and saw that I did have a mass.  But she didn’t think it was anything serious as it looked like a cyst to her.  I lay down again for her to feel the lump.  She looked at the ultrasound images that the tech had taken and told me that it looked like there was one bigger cyst in one location and a bunch of smaller ones in another location.  They are nothing to be worried about.  They don’t increase the risk of cancer and they come with the fluctuation of hormones.  Sometimes they go away depending on the hormonal level in the body, like the little one on my right side.  Although the guidelines for mammogram have changed from over 40 to over 50, she’d still recommend an annual one from 40 on.  The only disadvantage is a false positive that may cause a bit of anxiety, but the advantage is that it does catch cancer and save lives.  She wants me to know that having cysts does not mean the risk of having cancer is diminished.  So I have to know what these lumps feel like.  If there are any changes that are out of the ordinary, I should still seek help.  I think from now on I’ll have a mammogram on a yearly basis just to be sure.

It’s such a blessing to be healthy.  I am so grateful that this is nothing more than discomfort and soreness.  Now I can focus on other important things in life and won’t be distracted by this health scare anymore.

MicroblogMondays: Progress – MitoScore and Legal Paperwork


It’s very encouraging to see progress on our surrogacy journey.

First of all, we received the MitoScores of our embryos.  The two day-5 embryos (3AB and 3BB) both have a grade of A, which means that they have a high implantation potential of 81%.  The two day-6 embryos (5AB and 5BB) are Bs with an average implantation potential of 56%.  Dr. E recommended transferring one embryo with the MitoScore of A.

This is such excellent news.  Both Bob and I are so relieved that we have embryos with excellent quality for a transfer.

On the gestational carrier front, we finished a questionnaire and signed an agreement for the escrow account with our attorney.  Last week we had a very informative phone call for about 30 minutes with the attorney and her paralegal.  As you may know, in order to make the surrogacy legal and for us to take our baby home, legal paperwork has to be filed in our gestational carrier’s state.  Our attorney is located in that state and is very experienced with this type of contract.  The following are the main points:

  • We will receive the draft of our contract with our gestational carrier in the next week or so.  We will read it over, make changes, and ask any questions or raise any concerns.  Once we are satisfied with the changes, our gestational carrier will go over it with an attorney that will represent her.  That should take about a week.  We are hoping to get the contract done by the first week of October, and second week at the latest (because I am going to be leaving for Asia at the end of second week of October).
  • At about 20 weeks of the pregnancy, our attorney will help us finalize the medical power of attorney which allows us to make decisions for the baby.
  • Our gestational carrier’s state laws stipulate that we get a post birth order, which means that a court order is obtained after the birth of a child.  The court will direct Vital Statistics to add the biological parent’s name (Bob’s name) on the birth certificate, remove our gestational carrier’s name, and grant legal guardianship to me as the other intended parent.  This is done because we have used donor eggs.  If we were both biologically related to the child, then we would both be added at that time.  The hearing is scheduled every two weeks at the court, so on average we should have the hearing done within two weeks after birth if not sooner.  The hearing should take no longer than 30 minutes.  We will be asked a list of questions mostly by our attorney and may also be by the judge.
  • We can leave the hospital with our baby and go home as soon as the doctor clears us to leave.  Our attorney will represent us and we will attend the hearing via phone.
  • We should get the court order a few days after the hearing.  Then the birth certificate should be amended by Vital Statistics within 5 to 10 business days with only Bob’s name on it as if he has made the baby all by himself.😉
  • A recent change in the law in our GC’s state requires an intended parent who is not biologically related to the baby to file for a second parent adoption in our home state so that I will also be named on the birth certificate.  We will need to hire a different attorney in our home state.  I will have temporary custody of our baby until the court order is done, which will take three to six months.
  • Our attorney stated that the court process is quite simple.  She will prepare all the paperwork for us to read prior to the birth so that we just need to sign at the time of birth.  She said that there are going to be many other things to focus on at the time of birth so she doesn’t want us to spend the time reading all the legal documents.
  • One very important thing that our attorney wanted to speak with us about was the number of embryos to transfer.  Our answer on the questionnaire said that we may transfer one or two embryos. She wants us to be very careful with this choice.  Our gestational carrier lives in the northern part of the state and lives very close to the border of a neighboring state that is NOT surrogacy friendly.  If we transfer two embryos and are expecting twins, the chances for complications and the need for a level 4 NICU are a lot higher with twin pregnancy.  The hospital that we intend to have the birth does not have a level 4 NICU.  If any complications arise, it is VERY likely that our gestational carrier will be transferred to a hospital with a level 4 NICU that is in the surrogacy unfriendly next state.  It doesn’t mean that a singleton pregnancy is a guarantee that it will be free of complications, but the chances are a lot lower.  So our attorney wants us to think long and hard about the number of embryos to transfer.  And if we do transfer two and expect twins, she wants us to have a plan B for the delivery.  Our gestational carrier can still give birth in the local hospital in her state and we can always transfer the baby/babies to the level 4 NICU in the next state if need be.  If our gestational carrier gives birth in this other state, the legal ramifications would be great.  We don’t want to go there.  It all sounds very scary so I have already spoke with our gestational carrier and she is going to try everything possible to stay in her state when she gives birth to our baby.

Dr. E, Annie (our gestational carrier), and I have been coordinating the earliest possible date for a transfer.  It would be the best for Annie if we could do a transfer on a Monday.  She and her husband can fly in on Sunday, have the transfer on Monday, and rest on Tuesday before going home on Wednesday.  She said that this has been a source of stress in her household because they don’t live near any family members so they couldn’t figure out who could take care of their two younger children.  She thought about driving the whole family on a roadtrip for the transfer, or even flying the kids over with them.  However, she would really want to take this opportunity to take a vacation with her husband by themselves, sans kids.  She finally enlisted her 19-year-old son and his wonderful girlfriend who will watch the 3- and 5-year olds.  We have now tentatively settled on a date: October 31, 2016.  Halloween!!!  Hopefully I won’t be jetlagged anymore (after my return from my trip on October 27).  I mean, I will still have to figure out other things like buying the medication for her and arranging for local monitoring appointments.  Nevertheless, this is an exciting time and I am so grateful for all these forward movements.  I am also trying not to let my appointment with the Breast Health Clinic later today dampen my excitement.

Almost time to make a baby!

Breast Scare and Grandma

One of my grandmothers is going to turn 97 or 98.  (Age and year of birth of that generation in the Chinese culture is often vague.)  I haven’t seen her since our trip to Asia in April 2014.  It is tough to live so far away from the majority of my family.  Grandma had been in very good health until this summer when she fainted and was hospitalized.  Physically she is fine.  However, her mind might have been a little chaotic.  As someone who used to have the best memory (remembering everyone’s birthday), she exhibited some symptoms of mental confusion and at one point didn’t even recognize my cousin who lives with her.  She no longer takes the shuttle from her home to the market for her breakfast, which was her routine for 20 years.  Her mind has improved since the summer, but it feels that a visit with her overseas is necessary at a time when she is still relatively lucid and healthy and we can still spend quality time together.  I do not want to go when it is too late.  Since we have been trying to sort out the whole donor egg cycle and surrogacy, there has not been a good time to go.  The timing seems good now that we are down to the wire in terms of preparation for our gestational carrier’s transfer.  The legal paperwork will hopefully be completed by the second week of October and we are hopeful to do the transfer the first week of November.   Grandma’s birthday this year is October 22 (it changes yearly according to the lunar calendar).  My brother is set to fly over for a visit around that time.  It would be good for me to go around the last two weeks of October just in time for a transfer in the first week of November.  I was doing my search of reasonable airfare and then…

I found a little lump on my right breast last weekend randomly while watching TV.

It felt small and it moved around a little, but it was definitely something new.  I freaked out a little but decided to make an appointment with my primary care doctor online.  I scored an appointment for Monday afternoon.  I am not going to lie, but my mind was going fast and I was worried.  You know how it is.  Our worries about the future cloud our judgment as our mind jumps to conclusion.  The worst case scenarios flashed in my head.  Fortunately, prayers for peace and the determination to stay away from Goog.le search had kept me sane.

My doctor reviewed my mammogram results prior to coming in the exam room.  My one and only mammogram two years ago was normal but did indicate that my breast tissues were dense and fibrous.  Upon palpation, my doctor couldn’t even find the little lump at first until I pointed it out to her.  She said it felt more fluid-filled, like a cyst.  Just to be sure, she also examined my left breast and found a bigger and denser lump on the top left part of it.  She said that since this one felt more solid, it’d be best for me to do a scan.  She put in an order for a mammogram and told me to go to radiology to make an appointment.

At radiology, I was told that I could be seen immediately.  However, the staff members asked me a question that was taped on the counter: Do you have new masses or lumps on your breast?  I answered yes.  Because of this yes, I was told I had to go to the “Breast Health Services” downstairs.  Over there, I was told that I had to be scheduled to see a doctor there first.  The first opening is this coming Monday late morning.  So that means that I have had to wait a whole week to see this doctor before I can get any scans.

During this week of waiting, I still freak out at times, thinking about the possibility of me being sick and us bringing a baby into this world and the baby not having a mom.  The mind can go to the worst place fast.  But I am mostly at peace with this and am just waiting for the appointment.  I pray that I surrender everything to God as He is the one who is in control.  It could be psychological, but ever since these two lumps were found, I could seriously feel my breasts throbbing with soreness at times.  Speaking with others helps.  Both of the coworkers that I spoke with have had the same happen to them.  Both were checked out and were fine.  It’s helpful to know that the results could be normal.  This has also freaked Bob out.  The first night was the hardest as he was worried and wondered why we had to deal with one thing after another.  He has since then calmed down and has also just been waiting patiently for the appointment next week.

Because of this new development, I have been hesitant with the trip to Asia.  What if these lumps are more serious than I would like?  What if treatment is needed?  What if what if what if.  I have delayed looking into plane tickets but then I am also mindful that I would like to be around for all the initial scans that Annie, our gestational carrier, would have if/when we get pregnant.  It will be even harder to schedule a time to go see my grandmother in the near future once a pregnancy is achieved if I want to be as present for the pregnancy as possible.  So I have decided to purchase my plane tickets this weekend regardless of the outcome of the exam on Monday.

It is sometimes difficult, but I am determined to focus on the good things: seeing my family, spending time with my grandma, and being full of anticipation for our upcoming transfer.  I pray that the exam on Monday yields good results so that my mind can rest and truly enjoy the good things that life has to offer.

MicroblogMondays: Cards


This past week I received two cards unexpectedly.  I was touched tremendously by both of them.

I came home from work on Monday and was surprised by a card in the mail from my coworker.  She is one of the only two coworkers that know the details of my journey.  I told her briefly about our donor’s cocaine debacle last week, and she wrote the following in a card and dropped it in the mail:

“Isabelle and Bob,

I awakened on Friday with you two on my mind and felt the need to write – so… sharing my thoughts…

Living for the emergence of life… the fruition of an incredible journey that had its origins in two separate countries and cultures brought together in a third through a 21st century technology… the reaching out over space and time of two kindred spirits… bound together by a mutual love, joy, faith, bond… to a shared path, with many junctures, potential pitfalls, ruts, bumps, rocky steep climbs, protruding roots, boulders and stones to navigate through and across and on which many others would have stumbled.  Two walking hand in hand, side by side toward their shared, firm, mutual destination.  With great admiration for the inner strength, shared support, and unwavering belief in the end result.  What a blessing to have found each other.  What a blessing to those who have had a glimpse of or shared in your journey.

With constant support and love,

[Coworker’s name]”

Such beautiful words that sum up our journey in such a poetic way.  I was utterly touched.

And then on the weekend, I had the honor to meet my dear friend behind Dreaming of Diapers.  You know it when someone gets you.  And that was the feeling I got the whole two hours we were chatting over lunch.  When we said our good-byes, she handed me a card.  The cover of the card said, “Hope is the belief in things unseen”.  On the inside, she wrote that she was happy to be finally meeting me, and that she was excited for me and my 4 embabies.  She said she cannot wait to hear I am expecting soon, that she just knows it in her heart that this is my time.  What a thoughtful gesture and such great encouragement that my dear friend is hoping with me that these embryos will help fulfill my dream of being a mother with live children.

Being loved, thought of, and understood is such a great feeling.  Thank you friends.