MicroblogMondays: Without My Husband

Microblog_Mondays

This will be the longest Bob and I are apart from each other since we got married.  I wish he were here with me in Hong Kong.  The trip is not the same without him.

Why didn’t he come, you may ask?  This is kind of a last minute trip as an effort for me to spend some time with my aging grandmother and celebrate her 98th birthday before we embark on our journey of maybe/really/hopefully/finally making a baby.  I anticipate our life to be a little bit busy flying to Annie’s state periodically for appointments when we get pregnant.  Then I won’t have the freedom to just hop on a plane for a trip out of the country as easily as right now, when we are just waiting for Annie’s lining to be built and for the transfer to take place.  If Bob came with me, we would have had to also go to India to see his parents, and two weeks would not have been enough time to visit both places.  Since I just saw my in-laws for an extended period of time in the summer, my presence in India is not required.  However, if Bob had come, then his mom wouldn’t have let him just go to Hong Kong and not fly home to India.  Because of all these reasons, we decided that it was best for me to just do the trip alone.

The 14-hour-flight was actually pleasant.  I slept for 7.5 hours on the plane.  The two movies that I watched were both a trigger for me.  Finding Dory made me think about my unconventional way of creating my family, and Up always makes me cry.  I have watched that movie quite a few times so I started crying even before the flashback scenes got to where Ellie was told she couldn’t have a baby.  I didn’t care about what the guy next to me would think of me and cried an ugly cry.

Once I got off the plane and freshened up at home, my dad and I went to see my grandmother.  She has aged quite a lot.  Compared to how she looked and sounded 2.5 years ago, she is now a lot slower with her movements and her response time.  She has become more suspicious about people and things and her memory has deteriorated.  She doesn’t go out anymore unless my dad gives her a ride.  She walks very slowly and insists on using her umbrella as her support rather than a wheelchair or a walker.  My dad only drops her off at places where she does not need to walk up and down the stairs or even an escalator.  When I speak to her, I need to speak slowly and often repeat myself several times.  It pains me to see her this way as she had been so mobile and lucid for so many years.  And it also pains me to know that it will be a little while before she can meet my future child.  I just hope that she is still going to be around for that.

My BFF and I met up the first day I arrived.  It was great to see her as the last time we hung out was 2.5  years ago.  We have known each other for 30 years. I had to catch her up on all that has happened to us including the whole history about our donor disappearing, frozen DE cycles failing, the need to use a gestational carrier, the whole fresh DE retrieval with the twist of positive cocaine urine test and to the most recent development of waiting for a transfer.  Just like many other people, she asked if we had thought about adoption since it’s not my eggs or my uterus in this endeavor, as if adoption is automatically the best plan for those who can’t get pregnant naturally.  I gently explained to her our choice and the rationale behind that without being offended or emotional.  Education is the best way to respond.  And yes, even though it is not my eggs or my uterus, I still want to start my family this way.

I realized that it would have been so much more fun to have Bob around.  Coming here by myself, many people asked me what I wanted to do.  To me, this is just me coming home and having a chance to hang out with my friends and family. If Bob had come, we would be taking many different modes of transportation and going to many different places. Without him being here, I don’t have a lot of motivation to do much. I’ll be seeing my old friends of 30 years as well as my college friends. I originally didn’t want to see my old friends since they don’t know much about my fertility journey.  I didn’t want to get together with them and their kids. It would just remind me of how far they have gone with growing their families while I’m still trying to get started. I thought more about it and decided to have a girls’ night without kids.  That way we can still catch up and I will not be constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have.  I’ll also be going to my grandma’s birthday banquet and will see all my younger cousins and their new babies.  I just hope that no one will ask me when I will have mine.  And I hope even more that if someone does ask me, I will handle their questions with grace.

Thanks to technology, Bob and I get to talk to each other and see each other’s faces on video chat. It makes life a little easier without him around. Ten more days before I go back to my husband and fourteen more days before our transfer!

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Breast Scare and Grandma

One of my grandmothers is going to turn 97 or 98.  (Age and year of birth of that generation in the Chinese culture is often vague.)  I haven’t seen her since our trip to Asia in April 2014.  It is tough to live so far away from the majority of my family.  Grandma had been in very good health until this summer when she fainted and was hospitalized.  Physically she is fine.  However, her mind might have been a little chaotic.  As someone who used to have the best memory (remembering everyone’s birthday), she exhibited some symptoms of mental confusion and at one point didn’t even recognize my cousin who lives with her.  She no longer takes the shuttle from her home to the market for her breakfast, which was her routine for 20 years.  Her mind has improved since the summer, but it feels that a visit with her overseas is necessary at a time when she is still relatively lucid and healthy and we can still spend quality time together.  I do not want to go when it is too late.  Since we have been trying to sort out the whole donor egg cycle and surrogacy, there has not been a good time to go.  The timing seems good now that we are down to the wire in terms of preparation for our gestational carrier’s transfer.  The legal paperwork will hopefully be completed by the second week of October and we are hopeful to do the transfer the first week of November.   Grandma’s birthday this year is October 22 (it changes yearly according to the lunar calendar).  My brother is set to fly over for a visit around that time.  It would be good for me to go around the last two weeks of October just in time for a transfer in the first week of November.  I was doing my search of reasonable airfare and then…

I found a little lump on my right breast last weekend randomly while watching TV.

It felt small and it moved around a little, but it was definitely something new.  I freaked out a little but decided to make an appointment with my primary care doctor online.  I scored an appointment for Monday afternoon.  I am not going to lie, but my mind was going fast and I was worried.  You know how it is.  Our worries about the future cloud our judgment as our mind jumps to conclusion.  The worst case scenarios flashed in my head.  Fortunately, prayers for peace and the determination to stay away from Goog.le search had kept me sane.

My doctor reviewed my mammogram results prior to coming in the exam room.  My one and only mammogram two years ago was normal but did indicate that my breast tissues were dense and fibrous.  Upon palpation, my doctor couldn’t even find the little lump at first until I pointed it out to her.  She said it felt more fluid-filled, like a cyst.  Just to be sure, she also examined my left breast and found a bigger and denser lump on the top left part of it.  She said that since this one felt more solid, it’d be best for me to do a scan.  She put in an order for a mammogram and told me to go to radiology to make an appointment.

At radiology, I was told that I could be seen immediately.  However, the staff members asked me a question that was taped on the counter: Do you have new masses or lumps on your breast?  I answered yes.  Because of this yes, I was told I had to go to the “Breast Health Services” downstairs.  Over there, I was told that I had to be scheduled to see a doctor there first.  The first opening is this coming Monday late morning.  So that means that I have had to wait a whole week to see this doctor before I can get any scans.

During this week of waiting, I still freak out at times, thinking about the possibility of me being sick and us bringing a baby into this world and the baby not having a mom.  The mind can go to the worst place fast.  But I am mostly at peace with this and am just waiting for the appointment.  I pray that I surrender everything to God as He is the one who is in control.  It could be psychological, but ever since these two lumps were found, I could seriously feel my breasts throbbing with soreness at times.  Speaking with others helps.  Both of the coworkers that I spoke with have had the same happen to them.  Both were checked out and were fine.  It’s helpful to know that the results could be normal.  This has also freaked Bob out.  The first night was the hardest as he was worried and wondered why we had to deal with one thing after another.  He has since then calmed down and has also just been waiting patiently for the appointment next week.

Because of this new development, I have been hesitant with the trip to Asia.  What if these lumps are more serious than I would like?  What if treatment is needed?  What if what if what if.  I have delayed looking into plane tickets but then I am also mindful that I would like to be around for all the initial scans that Annie, our gestational carrier, would have if/when we get pregnant.  It will be even harder to schedule a time to go see my grandmother in the near future once a pregnancy is achieved if I want to be as present for the pregnancy as possible.  So I have decided to purchase my plane tickets this weekend regardless of the outcome of the exam on Monday.

It is sometimes difficult, but I am determined to focus on the good things: seeing my family, spending time with my grandma, and being full of anticipation for our upcoming transfer.  I pray that the exam on Monday yields good results so that my mind can rest and truly enjoy the good things that life has to offer.

Recent Struggles and My Supervisor is Pregnant

It is a little surprising to me that life has been a little bit tough lately.  Every day seems to be a challenge.

One day last week when I woke up, all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and hide under my cover.  It could be an effect of the birth control pill, or because of the gloomy, overcast, and cold weather in the Bay Area, or due to a sense of being in a holding pattern, or it could also be an influence of the multiple pregnant ladies at work.  Plus my husband’s issues with my side of the family don’t seem to be going away.

Yeah there are multiple expectant moms at work:  Original Pregnant Coworker who is about six months pregnant and New Pregnant Coworker who is four months along and is already flaunting her baby bump.  And then, I received a confirmation that my supervisor is pregnant.

I was correct three weeks ago when I said that I eventually would have a third pregnant coworker.  My Dear Colleague had been commenting to me on how Supervisor has been wearing flowy clothes.  I made a mental note of that.  Well, it has been confirmed.  Last week, on the day I wanted to hide from the world, my Supervisor was out sick.  I was quite sure that it was pregnancy related.  The next morning, I was in my room sorting things out, and could hear a bunch of people talking in the conference room right next door.  What I could make out was, Supervisor was announcing to her team of people that 1) her due date is early February and 2) she was feeling awful the day before.  My first reaction: got up and closed the door.  I just wanted to mind my own business and not to be subject to any more information than the confirmation of her pregnancy.  The puzzling thing is, she cannot be more than five minutes pregnant.  Well, I exaggerated.  But you know what I mean.  To give her credit, she didn’t really announce it to the whole wide world.  She told her team and I happened to have overheard.  But it doesn’t make life easy for me.

Work does not feel like a safe place for me.  Triggers seem to be everywhere.  I have to make choices daily.  Do I choose to stay in my office for lunch rather than joining the crowd in the lunch room?  What about riding the elevator or walking up and down the stairs?  I know I have a choice.  I would love to see myself as someone who can make a good choice every day.  But sometimes I just can’t force myself.  I know that I *should* not allow myself to be affected by other people.  After all, making a new life is a joyous thing.  However, I really cannot force myself to be a hypocrite, sitting in the lunch room smiling to everybody.  I feel a strong need to self-preserve.  I struggle.  In my head knowledge, I desire to be a generous and godly person.  Emotionally, I choose to be selfish at times.  Often times, my fight-or-flight reaction wins.

I successfully ate in the lunch room two times last week.  All three pregnant ladies were there the first time.  I let myself be and it was fine.  A coworker oblivious to my struggles commented loudly (like, for real, loud enough that everyone could hear her) that it was rare to see me in the lunch room recently.  Well, thanks for noticing and making a case about it.  Not that she sits there for lunch everyday.  I was proud of myself and felt brave.  It wasn’t easy for me.

I have been closing my office door more often lately.  Just on Friday, I had to do that when a male coworker asked Supervisor how she was feeling, and her answering “so far so good”.  A second time, Original Pregnant Coworker and Pregnant Supervisor were chatting in the hallway about how different they were (in terms of their pregnancies).  Another office door closing moment.  At times, when I see my Supervisor in the hall, I can’t even look her in her eye.

Anyhow, I just have a difficult time dealing with all this, while at the same time seeing the gloomy dark sky every single day.  I need some sun.  Something to cheer me up.  And then I have this fear of the unknown of the future.  I ask what-if questions about my procedure next week, being afraid that the scar tissue is more serious than presented.  And the availability of the donor.  And the stress of putting together curriculum for the prenatal class that I mentioned about before, which is coming up very soon.  All of that plus the family issues.  Honestly the family conflicts stress me out the most.  I just feel like waking up daily is a challenge.  I plead with God on my way to work.  I ask for solutions.  I ask for peace and strength to get through everyday.  Sometimes it is tough.  Some days are a little better.  I am living day by day hoping that tomorrow will be better than today.  I also appreciate it when my friend asked me to give her three things for which I was thankful.  It helped.

Like I said, this is so surprising to me.  I thought I would be able to handle this better than I am.  This feels even more challenging than when we were banking embryos.  You know what I do?  I hang on to the good moments.  Like a walk with my husband and my father, chatting about anything and everything, making jokes and having a good time.

One day at a time.  This is the motto by which I live.

MicroblogMondays: Meeting Cousin’s Baby

Microblog_Mondays

It’s Chinese New Year.  The tradition is to go visit with relatives in their home during this time.  My mom was going to visit my aunt and spend time with my cousins, their wives, and my cousin’s baby.  I wrote about my cousin and his wife who got pregnant and gave birth not even a year into their marriage.  I was feeling bitter at times and did not want to see them or meet the baby after he was born.  I sometimes do see pictures of the baby and he is becoming cuter and cuter.  When my mom told me that she was going to get together with my aunt, I gave her a red envelope to give to the baby.  This is a tradition during Chinese New Year for married relatives to give single relatives, especially children, a monetary gift placed in a red envelope for good fortune.  When my mom came home from the visit, she said that my cousin who just dropped her off wanted to come in and say thank you for our red envelope for the baby.  Bob and I greeted him and he asked if we wanted to meet the baby.  Instead of feeling reluctant, I found myself wanting to meet that baby.  Bob and I went to my cousin’s car and saw a baby with chubby cheeks sleeping peacefully in his car seat.  My cousin’s wife and I chatted a little bit about this five month old baby who is already 18 pounds.  I touched his cheeks and his hand.  It dawned on me that I no longer feel jealous of my cousin and his wife, and I don’t feel bitter or the need to hide from them and the baby anymore.  This realization is so freeing.  My cousin said that he had arranged for his family to have dinner with my brother’s family in March.  He invited us along with my mom and his mom.  I told him that we’d be there.  I think having dinner and spending time with them all will be a true test of my true feelings about my cousin and his fertile wife.  Bob asked, “Will you want to hold the baby?”  Without much hesitation, I said, “Sure!”  I think this is a big step forward.

First World Problem

Girl Cousin who lives on the east coast is in town for a wedding.  She sent out a last minute email to all the cousins to see if anyone can join her for dinner this Sunday.

My first reaction: I wanted to hide.

Not that I don’t want to see my Girl Cousin.  If we were to get together, I am sure we’d have a lot to talk about.  She’s an acupuncturist and has some friends who also have fertility issues.  The last time I saw her was at my Boy Cousin’s wedding last October.

Well… Boy Cousin is the problem.  It has not been a year since his wedding and his son was already born.  Eleven months after he and his wife got married.

I don’t know if I am ready to see him, her, or the newborn.

I sometimes feel bitter when I think about them.  And I don’t want to force a smile or force my interest on the baby.

My brother already responded and said he and his family can’t make it.

Bob would rather watch football on Sunday.

I was thinking, maybe Boy Cousin wouldn’t come because the baby is barely a month old.

He just wrote me a FB message asking if I could make it.  I closed FB once I saw the message.

I know this is totally a first world problem.  I still haven’t decided but I am leaning towards not going.

Sorry Girl Cousin…. I would love to see you.  But a baby is in the way.

Would you go?

Finally, the Stress-Free Part of Vacation

Wow.  Can’t believe it’s been more than two weeks since I last blogged.  Sorry for leaving you all hanging after the family feud in India.  Compared to the craziness with Bob’s family in India, Hong Kong was totally stress free.  

I loved spending time with my dad, who is no doubt the coolest guy in the world.  He is almost 70 years old and is still full of energy.  He loves hiking and biking.  When we had other plans, he went ahead and hung out with his friends on the road biking or on the mountain hiking.  There was no pressure whatsoever in how we spent our time.  We were free to do whatever we wanted to.  We went hiking with him one day and we all had a great time.

Another highlight is a trip to Macau on April 30th for our third wedding anniversary, which was a gift from my father to us.  He booked the ferry tickets and one night of hotel for us to celebrate our marriage.  It was Bob’s first time being in Macau.  We walked around town, visited touristy sites, stayed at a very nice hotel, and had a wonderful Portuguese dinner to celebrate.  Image

 

We had pork, mussels, and sangria.Image

 

See how crowded the street was on May 1st, which was a holiday in China.  The streets were flooded with tourists.  Image

 

We went to the famous place for Portuguese egg tart but it was closed both on April 30th for their regular day off and May 1st for the holiday.  We had to have the second or even third best which was to just buy one from a random place on the street.Image

 

Macau definitely was a very memorable trip.

We also traveled to China this time.  This would also be the first time Bob had ever been to China.  My dad partnered with others to open a restaurant in Guangzhou China so this was our first time going there trying the food.  I was also looking forward to getting a massage there in Shenzhen as massages are very cheap.  We had one hour of foot massage and two hours of body massage.

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We had very good Hunan food with a dish of stone pot fish:

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We took the metro to my dad’s restaurant:

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I gotta say the food was very good.  This is the shrimp toast that we had:

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On the way back from China, we waited in line for customs.  I overheard an officer ask a woman from Mainland China a question, “Are you pregnant?”  To give you some background, Hong Kong has been inundated with pregnant women from China who come to give birth as Hong Kong provides a better condition for labor and delivery.  Hong Kong has been trying to prevent this situation by limiting the number of pregnant women from entering the city.  When I heard that question, all I could think of was that I could punch the officer if I were asked that question.  Plus, who in the world would answer “yes” if they really want to just come in and stay there to give birth?

Since we only had ten days in Hong Kong and were traveling to Macau and China, we barely had enough time to go shopping, visit with friends, or see relatives.  We did do all of those, but not nearly enough.  Before I met Bob, I would spend three weeks in Hong Kong and felt that I had a lot of time to just chill, play, and rest.  After we got married, we feel obligated to go to both places and my visit home has significantly cut short.  I am not complaining.  It’s our new way of life… But I would really love to be able to spend more time with my loved ones.  Fortunately, I saw my two grandmothers several times and got to visit with my 106-year-old great aunt.  Last time we visited Hong Kong, it was ten months after we got married.  My great aunt and my grandma at the time were asking why we still hadn’t had babies.  My grandma even joked that Bob shouldn’t go back to Hong Kong without a baby to show her.  This time, nobody asked any questions because they learned not to ask.  And my great aunt is no longer lucid enough to even keep track of who is who.  It just makes me sad that we have nothing to show for… I desperately want my beloved grandmother to hold my child… Although she’s still in great health, she is 95 years old after all.  I don’t really know if she’ll ever be able to meet my future children.  

We also spent quality time with my childhood best friend.  She has two daughters, one six years old and the other one three years old.  She and I hadn’t really talked on the phone in the past year as I was in my daze of fertility treatment and she was busy making money to support her family including her mother with dementia.  So this time we had a chance to sit down and talk a bit about what Bob and I have experienced in the past year.  One very interesting phenomenon is, none of my friends in Hong Kong with whom I have shared about the possibility of using donor eggs and donor embryos were fazed by these alternative ways of having a baby.  They discussed with me about their thoughts and all of them have the same thoughts as I do, that we would go the donor egg route before we would try donor embryos or adoption.  I am just surprised at how educated and how open my friends have become.  

Another highlight is my snake soup.  I know you may stop reading this blog after you read this, but I love my snake soup.  I grew up eating snake soup and I have to have my snake soup every time I go.  Unfortunately, Bob is very scared of snakes.  Poor guy.  He was traumatized sitting in the snake shop watching me eat my snake soup.  It’s a step forward from last time when he just stood outside of the shop refusing to go in.  Kudos to him. 😀

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We were determined to catch the egg this time.  We are proud to say that we tried to do that once in India, once in Macau, and once in Hong Kong.  Imagine DTD with my dad next door.  EEEWWWW.  Too bad we didn’t get to do so in China.  Sad to say that we lost that egg since my period came a few days ago after a disappointing 20-day cycle.

On our final day, we went to the cemetery where both of my grandfathers rested.  It was good to introduce Bob to them.  This is the view looking out from grandpa’s place:

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We also had a very nice dinner at grandma’s house:

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On the way to the airport, it was raining cats and dogs.  In fact, the rain was so heavy that we experienced what they called amber rainstorm, red rainstorm, and black rainstorm.  You can read up about them here.  The two car accidents that I had in my life were both in the rain.  So needless to say I was extremely nervous.  At one point, we couldn’t see out of the windshield because of the rain water that was kicked up by these huge trucks that passed by our car.  I. Was. So. Scared.  My dad was brave and just maintained his composure to send us safely to the airport.  Also very grateful that he drove home safely.  Our flight was an hour delayed.  My lovely brother came to pick us up at 11:30pm.  My lovely mother welcomed us home with a very clean house with clean floor and clean bathrooms.  My family is just lovely.  

It hasn’t been too hard to get over our jet lag.  We slept through the night every single night and I went back to work okay.  However, every single evening I couldn’t keep my eyes open… I would doze off at 7:30pm every night.  Hence the reason you haven’t seen an update from me.  Finally I got some energy to write today.

I know the following is about India and not Hong Kong.  But I have got to share this.  We wanted to buy our future child something last time we were in India, but never actually did it.  So this time we were determined to find something and here is a shirt for our future child:

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It is my hope that I can put this on our baby in the very near future.  

Oh, and I think Bob and his parents are still on speaking terms, so that’s a good sign that they will eventually totally reconcile.  

 

 

 

A thing or two about my family

Hi everyone!  It’s been a while since I wrote a post.  Time just flies ever since the Fall began.  I can’t believe that we are approaching Halloween already.  Soon it will be Thanksgiving and then Christmas……

My cousin’s wedding was lovely.  It was a perfect courtyard ceremony at a winery followed by a cocktail hour and a reception at the Cellar Room.  It was just the bride, the groom, and the officiant.  No wedding party.  Simple ceremony with a simple message.  The bride looked stunning, very much in love, and was totally radiant.  My poor cousin looked very tired.  It must have been overwhelming to be entertaining over 30 out of town guests for a couple of weeks.  It was so sweet that after the cake cutting, the bride surprised my cousin by singing him “From This Moment On”.  It was priceless to see him all of a sudden realize that his bride was serenading him as he was chatting with others.  He quickly turned around, walked straight to her, held her hand, looked in her eyes, and soaked in the sweetness of that moment.  Priceless.  It was just so nice to see him so in love.  I did wear a dress that allowed me to eat as much filet mignon as possible.  By the way, the filet mignon was one of the best that I have had at a wedding.  Kudos to my cousin for choosing a decent caterer.

I am happy to report that none of my “elderly” relatives (meaning my aunts and uncles) asked about baby, fertility, or anything remotely related to that.  Someone did bombard me with questions and suggestions though.  I am Face.book friends with one of my cousin’s best friends.  She has a four-year-old who is full of energy and did not stop running the entire night.  She came by to say Hi and to inquire about my expertise in speech-language pathology.  Then she proceeded to make all sorts of suggestions about baby making.  She even looked at Bob and told him to “get busy” that night.  HAHA.  Uh… does she not know that you can only get pregnant during a certain time in a cycle??  I just smiled.  What else can you do?

It was also lovely to see my two female cousins on my mom’s side of the family.  They are sisters who live on the opposite sides of the continent.  The last time I saw them was at my own wedding two and a half years ago.  Their mom was my favorite aunt who passed away about nine years ago, at age 52.  It was so fun to watch these two cousins talk.  The younger one lives in L.A. and has a larger than life personality.  You wouldn’t miss her if you were in a room with her.  She is very loud and she talks a lot.  Her older sister is relatively quiet.  It was so funny to watch them talk and catch up with each other.  You’d see the younger one yapping away while the older one just nodded the whole time.  They were the same way when they were nine and twelve.  Some things just don’t change.  🙂

Older female cousin is an acupuncturist on the east coast.  Towards the end of the dinner, she looked across the table at me and mouthed “Are you pregnant yet?”  Now, this question is totally different from the questions that nosy relatives might ask me.  She is somebody with the credentials and the potentials to know what I am talking about.  So when we were on our way out, I approached her and gave her a two-minute version of our struggles.  It was an unexpected bonding time between me and her.  She knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.  There was no need for explanations for any terminology.  I was really just giving her a two-minute version and she understood.  She treats people with fertility problems as well.  Now my very loud younger female cousin was the one who eavesdropped and asked loudly about “follicles” and what that all meant.  Didn’t I just say that some things don’t change?  🙂

The rest of the weekend was exactly how I had envisioned it: bonding time with my hubby and my Bro’s family.  The vacation rental that I found is nestled in a small town in the wine country.  The owners are two men.  I assume them to be gay and I think only gay men could be so thoughtful in preparing for every single detail of their house.  It was equipped with everything that you would need to live in this place comfortably for an extended period of time.  The welcome basket had a personalized note to us with our names.  It was filled with wine, cheese, nuts, crackers, homemade jam, and fruits and vegetables from their own garden.  The rest of the weekend was relaxing, with onsite massages for me, Bob, and SIL, a visit to the winery within walking distance, and hanging out with the whole family in the backyard over pizza, wine, and snacks.

The biggest joke that we made that weekend was about my Bro’s first Girlfriend.  They dated back when they were teenagers.  They broke up when Girlfriend started dating Bro’s best friend at the same time.  Bro would not have anything to do with a cheater.  I was never very fond of this Girlfriend.  She has a strong personality and is very loud.  She married my Bro’s best friend, who happens to be the older brother of one of my best friends.  I always feel fortunate that my SIL became my SIL instead of Girlfriend.  My SIL and I had been friends before she started dating my Bro.  I wouldn’t be close to Bro’s family if Girlfriend had become my SIL.  I usually learn about her news from my Bro who is still friends with her.  She in fact requested to be one of the bridesmaids for my SIL and subsequently volunteered to be my niece and nephew’s godmother when they were born.  My very easygoing SIL just said Yes to both requests.  Anyhow, you can probably tell that I am not very fond of her.  So this Girlfriend and Bro’s best friend got divorced and didn’t have any kids.  She remarried in December 2012 at the age of 42 43.  Needless to say that when Bro broke the news to me that she was pregnant on her first try the month after her wedding, I was totally shocked and jealous.  That was when we were attending all the IVF seminars and deciding on the RE.  I was not happy that she did not have to wait and got lucky right away.  I was the most bugged when she posted on Face.book that “God has not forgotten” her after all.  So does it mean that I am forgotten by God because I have not been able to get pregnant?  Last weekend, Bro saw on FB that Girlfriend was about to have a C-section this week.  We reminisced about the past and my SIL blurted out that we should all thank her for saving us from having Girlfriend in our lives.  Imagine her being my SIL?  I shuddered thinking about that.  Girlfriend is going to give her girl a name that would sound very funny if you say it with a Cantonese accent.  We teased my niece all weekend long and called her that name with a Chinese accent since she could have had that name had Bro married Girlfriend.  I shuddered again.  Thank goodness God has had a better plan, that my SIL is in my family instead of Girlfriend.

Did I ever mention about my mother?  She is a lovely lady who cares deeply about everyone.  My mother is also someone who cannot keep any secrets from her sisters.  She had been living in my house with me six months of the time for about 15 years now.  The other six months of the time she is out of the country visiting with my father who refuses to live in the States.  That could be another post in itself.  My mother knows about the fertility struggles that we have had.  She has been very helpful with supporting us by making brew Chinese herbs.  She encourages me to visit an acupuncturist.  And she firmly believes that we’ll successfully make a baby one day.  But… did I mention that she cannot keep a secret?  She left the country for her annual overseas visit in April.  Bob and I started our fertility treatment in May.  I had been hoping and praying that we would successfully become pregnant before she came home in October.  Unfortunately that’s not happening.  I really don’t want her to go blabbering about our fertility issues with her sisters.  I want to control who knows about our struggles.  One time I told her to not to talk to her sisters about us.  She at first agreed, then protested saying that my aunts are also my family.  Can you see my hesitation in telling her things?  My mother came home this past Wednesday and the first few moments that I saw her, she shared someone’s pregnancy news with me.  I am sorry but I pouted.  I had had a very difficult day on that day and did NOT need her to tell me anyone’s pregnancy news.  She quickly questioned my attitude and told me not to feel that way.  There are certain things that my mom would probably never understand, as she got pregnant very young very easily.  I love her to death but I just do not know how to share our IVF journey with her without fearing that she would go announce it to the public.  But you know what?  I have to be brave and share with her.  We’ll start our next cycle in November and mom is always around.  Bob is the one who mixes the meds.  He does not want to hide in our bedroom for that.  He wants to be honest and do it in the dining room like we usually do.  I need to pray for God’s courage to sit her down and come up with a good way to talk to her so that I get her guarantee that she won’t talk to her sisters about it.  It’s tough enough to live with your mother.  It’s even tougher when you have no intention to let her be in your business.  But those are the cards I am dealt now.  So I just have to do it.  I don’t know when this conversation will take place.  It may not be that big of a deal.  Maybe she’ll be able to keep something to herself for once?  I am hoping.

How about that for an update on my family?