MicroblogMondays: College Graduate

My beloved niece graduated from college.  Just like many other high school and college graduates this year, her graduation ceremony had turned virtual.  Her parents set up a drive-by celebration for her.  She was wearing her cap and gown and a mask in her driveway for an hour in the evening of her graduation day.  Her friends and family drove by to congratulate her with social distancing.  Bob and I, my kids, and my mom were there too.  This was the kids’ first time seeing their cousins and auntie and uncle in person since the shelter-in-place started.  They had only been seeing them on Zoom prior to that.  I am quite sure the kids knew that something was up because it must have been strange for them to see everyone that they love wearing masks.  But they were so good.  I prepared them ahead of time that they were going to sit in the car seats for the visit.  They sat peacefully and didn’t fuss to get out of the car.  The rear windshield of my niece’s car was decorated with her college’s name, her name, and class of 2020.  We were able to take a photo with her by having her on one side of the car and us on the other side without our masks on.  The kids returned to the car seats after the photo without any issues.  We are so proud of my niece!  I remember this post that I wrote when she started college.  That was when we hadn’t even made the embryos that became our children.  I was feeling sad that she was going away for college and it seemed impossible for my future children to know her well.  I was feeling like I was missing out on an opportunity for my children, if I were to have any, to know their cousin really well.  This is what I said,

“I just can’t believe my niece is already 18… As we celebrate a new chapter in her life, I hope that somehow in the future my children will get to know their fun-loving, cool, and joyful oldest cousin in a way that I have never imagined before.  Knowing my niece’s character, she’ll love our children regardless of how big the age difference is between them.  I know I can take comfort in that.”

And now that my kids have been on this earth for 2 years 9 months, I can truly say that my niece loves my children to death, and my children can’t get enough of their oldest cousin.  Prior to the shelter-in-place order, my niece would come see the kids every chance she had.  She would drive home from school and text me to see if she could come hang out with them.  The kids ask for her all the time.  After graduation day, I told my brother that they should come visit the kids at the window.  (He was afraid a visit without coming into the house would upset the kids.)  I guaranteed him that the kids are used to people visiting at the window and won’t get upset if my brother and his family don’t come in.  This is exactly what happened.  My brother’s whole family came with cupcakes.  My brother showed up with windex and a cloth and started cleaning my windows!  I was wondering what that was all about, then I realized that my niece and my sister-in-law were armed with window glass markers to draw pictures on the windows for the kids!  My niece drew Thomas, Percy, a bridge, trolley, swing, slide, airplane, hedgehog, and many more.  The kids had the best time even though they did not get to touch or hug or kiss my family.  Now that we know that the kids are okay with having my brother’s family visit just outside of the house, I am sure that my niece will come often to hang out with them.  She does love my kids regardless of the big age difference.  Infertility and the delay in having my kids didn’t rob me the joy of my kids being close to my niece.  Even if she moves far away in the future, I am certain that my kids will continue to be close to her.

MicroblogMondays: Pandemic Family Love

My kids haven’t seen my brother, my sister-in-law, and my niece and nephew ever since the shelter-in-place started.  In the beginning, I did suggest to my brother to come drop off stuff for us when the kids are awake but he feels that seeing the kids through the window is going to make the kids more upset than not.  So they come whenever the kids are down for the day already or napping.  My kids’ favorite person is my sister-in-law, who they call “Kau Mo”, which means their mother’s brother’s wife.  Pre-pandemic, they would see her and the rest of the family at least once a week if not more often.  My SIL sometimes meets up with us at the indoor gym to play with the kids.  We sometimes head over to her place to play with her toys.  The very last time the kids saw her was the Friday prior to shelter-in-place order.  She came to Golden Gate Park with us for a walk.  Kids and she were drawing pictures in the dirt, picking up leaves, playing hide-and-seek, and basically just having a grand time hanging out.  In the beginning of the stay-at-home order, the kids would FaceTime with my SIL once in a while.  A few weeks later, we had a Zoom meeting during Easter dinner with the rest of my SIL’s family.  The kids stayed on the call with Kau Mo for a bit longer.  Ever since then, Kau Mo has been on a Zoom call with the kids once a week, usually on a Saturday morning.  As an experienced teacher who is very creative, she knows how to capture the kids’ attention.  She prepares books, toys, drawings, drumming to keep the kids entertained for over an hour.  Sometimes the sessions last for an hour and 15 minutes.  During that time, I could usually do chores like folding laundry, preparing for lunch, etc.  Last weekend during the Zoom call, Bob was sitting there assisting the kids, and I dusted, vacuumed, and mopped our master bedroom, bathrooms, and the kids’ room.  Kau Mo is the best babysitter ever.  I always joke that she should make this into a business because the kids really have a lot of fun with new activities every week with her.  We are so blessed to have her as an auntie to the kids.  And my brother has been a great brother too.  He has come numerous times to drop off stuff for us.  One time I asked where he got his toilet paper.  Instead of letting me go shopping somewhere myself, he helped me order some toilet paper from Amazon Fresh (since we signed up but haven’t been allowed to shop yet).  He received the toilet paper the same day and delivered it to us (by walking 15 minutes from his house) that evening.  We didn’t even have to leave the house to get those toilet paper rolls.  Even though we haven’t been able to really spend time with them physically, we can see and feel the love from our family in so many ways.  We hope that the kids will be able to finally touch them and hug them some time soon.  When they ask to go to Kau Mo’s house one day, I hope that I can tell them yes instead of saying that it is “closed”.

MicroblogMondays: All the Good Things

Despite how difficult an international trip has been with twin toddlers, I remind myself of all the good things that I observe during the trip.  I am truly grateful for them.

• Transportation has been convenient because my uncle has a mini-van that my dad has been borrowing, and my dad (and my brother when he was in town) is super willing to do pick ups and drop offs.
• Transportation in India was a breeze as well despite some crazy traffic because we had the means to hire a car and a driver.
• Despite the time change, Bunny has been sleeping through the night in both my home town and in India since day one.
• Okra has more difficulty with nap time and bed time, but he is consolable whenever we need to console him.
• So far, all three flights were horrible and after them, my body really needed time to adjust to the lack of rest.  Fortunately, one night of sleep was enough to help with recuperating.
• The kind of help that my parents have been providing for us has been nothing short of amazing.  Bob is currently away being at a work conference at the next town.  My parents have been helping out with all the childcare needs.  My dad buys and carries all the groceries home and my mom helps with all the daily chores including laundry, bath, and breakfast/lunch/dinner.  Without them, the trip would have been much harder.
• How happy my grandma is when she is with the kids has been so nice for me to watch.  Because of her age, she is not too lucid at times.  However, whenever she sees the kids, her face lights up and she is all smiles.  For this reason alone, the trip is worth it.
• The kids spending time with relatives from both sides of the family has been truly memorable.  They took to them well and were willing to play and interact with them.  And, seeing how much my husband’s family loves the kids and how much my family loves the kids is the highlight of this extended time we have spent away from home.

We have a few more days left here.  I am very glad we decided to make this trip.  I think the true test is when we go home to face the time change and jet lag there.  I will report back how that goes.

Kids waiting at the gate for grandpa’s ride

MicroblogMondays: What to Say?

One day my sister-in-law came to join me and the kids at the play gym.  At the end while I was putting the kids in the stroller and giving them some snacks, my sister-in-law suddenly said, “I need to apologize for something that I said; I made a mistake on your behalf.”  At that moment, I half-guessed what she meant, and it wasn’t far off from my hunch.  She and my brother had dinner with a mutual friend, and the topic of our twins came up.  This mutual friend asked, “How come the twins looked nothing like Isabelle?”  My sister-in-law wasn’t thinking much and blurted out that it was somebody else’s eggs, or something to that effect.  Our mutual friend thought that it was our gestational carrier’s eggs, but my SIL clarified that it was someone else’s.  Once my SIL said it out loud, she knew that she had made a mistake from seeing the horror on my brother’s face.  She made our mutual friend swear that she won’t tell others, but she didn’t feel good that I didn’t know that this mutual friend knew.  She explained that she was caught off guard at that moment.  When this topic comes up, she usually would say that Bob’s genes are very strong and the kids just look a lot like him.  But this time she just told it without thinking about it.  Afterwards, my brother was more mad at the friend than my sister-in-law because he felt that she shouldn’t have asked, as the question puts people on the spot.  My SIL was horrified that she had told someone without consulting with me first and she was sincerely sorry about it.  I told her that it is okay because this is not some dark secret.  But I have been working on telling the kids about their genetic origins and before they have the cognitive ability, language, and maturity to tell people about it, I do not want those other than our chosen friends and family to know.

How did/do I feel about it?  It has been a few days and I am still processing my feelings.  I am not mad at my SIL at all.  It IS a difficult question to answer and I felt that I should have prepared my loved ones better by giving them an answer to give people who ask.  I am a bit mad at our mutual friend.  What gives her the right to question why my kids don’t look like me?  I mean, plenty of people do not look like their parents.  If their parents did not use a gestational carrier to carry and give birth to them, I doubt that their friends and family would ask why they don’t look like their parents.  The fact that our family building path involved a gestational carrier makes people feel that they can question the origin of my kids’ genetics.  Just because I didn’t get to carry my babies, the chances of encountering difficult to answer questions are so much higher.  At the same time, I did use donor eggs to create my family.  And again, this is not some dark secret, so I feel that I *should* be okay with these questions because I should own up to my decision proudly.  I don’t know.  Like I said, I am still processing my feelings.  One thing I am sure is that my SIL probably won’t blurt out donor eggs easily in the future. And, I should think about how to prepare my family better in the future because I am sure this question is going to come up again.

MicroblogMondays: Great Beta Levels

It’s been interesting to support my cousin alongside her on her fertility journey.  Although she has been trying for more than a couple of years, she hardly ever reads any blogs or joins any online groups.  In those 5.5 year of trying to become parents, I was on many online forums, joined many FB groups, and was a regular reader of many many blogs.  Because of that, I feel that I have a lot more knowledge regarding things like the IVF process.  Many of the questions that she has asked me are ones to which she’d know the answers if she had been following infertility blogs.  I am happy to answer them.  It is just interesting to see the differences in our approaches dealing with our fertility issues.  And now that she is pregnant, it feels even more obvious that she doesn’t know much.  Every time she gets her beta results, she’d ask me if they numbers are good.  I have to reassure her that the numbers have been beyond good.  Here is the lowdown:

Initial beta on 7dp5dt: 80

Second beta on 10dp5dt: 577

Third beta on 16dp5dt: 5582

Those are crazy numbers, aren’t they?  When I saw that her second beta was over 500, I couldn’t help but wonder if the embryo had split.  This value was even higher than Annie’s second beta of 464 on 10dp5dt, and Annie was carrying twins for us.  Dr. E, my RE, said that there is a 1% chance that the embryo would split, so it could still be one very strong embryo.  One day my cousin was scaring me though.  She messaged me to ask if she should do an injection of progesterone in oil that evening.  It was already 11pm her time.  She was supposed to insert one progesterone suppository in the morning and two in the evening.  She only had one left in the evening.  A shipment was supposed to arrive that day but didn’t get delivered on time, so she ran out of the suppositories.  She still had PIO at home from previous cycles so she asked if she should inject some.  I asked Dr. E who answered me right away (you got to love her for her fast response).  Dr. E said that missing one dose of progesterone could cost her pregnancy, and urged her to inject the PIO right away.  My cousin did.  Then she told me that she wasn’t too worried about not receiving the shipment since she still had PIO at home.  It was just that the suppositories were not covered by insurance and would cost $1100, so she asked around and someone was willing to order some for her and ship them to her.  Of course the shipment was messed up.  And now knowing that skipping a dose could cost her pregnancy, saving that $1100 doesn’t sound like it’s worth it at all.  I just told her to always have progesterone around until her placenta takes over.

It does look like her pregnancy is going well.  I can’t wait to see how many babies they see on her first ultrasound!

MicroblogMondays: My Cousin

My favorite aunt, my mom’s younger sister, died of cancer at 52.  Her older daughter is a couple of years younger than I am.  I’ll call her Jeannie.  I always think of her as very young, but of course it is no longer the case since I am already in my 40s.  She lives on the east coast so I don’t get to see her much, but I love her dearly as I loved and will always continue to love her mother dearly.  Jeannie disclosed to me a while ago (when we were expecting twins via gestational surrogacy) that she had not been successful in getting pregnant with her partner for quite some time.  Her fertility issues are similar to mine (minus the uterine problems): diminished ovarian reserve.  She had tried a few cycles of IVF using her savings.  Since she and her partner are both small business owners, it has been hard for her to come up with more money for more cycles after spending her savings.  It has been extra hard knowing that each cycle she may or may not make an embryo (you know, that’s the nature of diminished ovarian reserve).  She knows the details of our journey and knows that the twins were conceived via donor eggs, so she knows that it is within the realm of possibility.  With limited funds, she had to figure out with her partner how to proceed with treatment: continuing with her own eggs, donor eggs, or donated embryos? Or adoption?  Everything cost money and she wanted to be pregnant and have a baby like.. yesterday.  So how does one move forward when money is short?  Being disappointed over and over again with her own eggs (just like me), she was more and more open to third party reproduction.  Her friend’s friend offered her a frozen embryo for donation but she later found out that it wasn’t good enough for a transfer.  Dr. E (my RE)’s patient had a set of Caucasian/Asian mixed embryos available but for various reasons that didn’t work out either.  Watching her walk this path and walking alongside her every step of the way brings back so many memories of our journey.  There are so many similarities, and it does pain me to see her on the same path as well.  At the same time, because I have walked this path, I am so glad that I can be here for her whenever she needs me.  I know the emotions behind it and I have practical suggestions and recommendations for her.  I analyzed the pros and cons of fresh vs. frozen donor eggs for her.  She eventually decided to go with a set of 6 eggs from a local program because the cost is lower.  Bob and I offered to gift her a sum to cover a part of the cost but she graciously declined.  She chose a first time Chinese donor who hadn’t started the cycle yet so there was a chance for Jeannie to get those 6 eggs fresh.  To me, having fresh eggs to fertilize is better than thawing frozen eggs.  It’s amazing that with her young donor, 4 out of 6 eggs fertilized normally, and three became blastocysts.  Out of the three blastocysts, two were normal.  I can’t help but be very happy and relieved for my cousin.  We had 18 (out of 23) mature eggs, 17 fertilized, and we had 6 blastocyst at the end.  Four were normal.  So compared to our stats, my cousin’s donor eggs did fabulously.  Jeannie just had a transfer of a 512 (5AB) embryo a bit over a week ago.  Her beta was last Friday, which was 7 days past 5 day transfer.  I don’t know about you.  I find it a bit odd that beta was so early for her.  But no worries, as she got positive results for the first time in her life!  Her hCG was 80, which was a fantastic number for an early beta.  When I heard the news, I was so excited for her and at the same time emotional. I’m just so relieved that the first hurdle is over. Her second beta will be today some time.  I can’t wait to see how it progresses and I can’t wait to see my cousin become a mother finally.  I hope that this pregnancy will be smooth sailing from this point on.

MicroblogMondays: Without My Husband

This will be the longest Bob and I are apart from each other since we got married.  I wish he were here with me in Hong Kong.  The trip is not the same without him.

Why didn’t he come, you may ask?  This is kind of a last minute trip as an effort for me to spend some time with my aging grandmother and celebrate her 98th birthday before we embark on our journey of maybe/really/hopefully/finally making a baby.  I anticipate our life to be a little bit busy flying to Annie’s state periodically for appointments when we get pregnant.  Then I won’t have the freedom to just hop on a plane for a trip out of the country as easily as right now, when we are just waiting for Annie’s lining to be built and for the transfer to take place.  If Bob came with me, we would have had to also go to India to see his parents, and two weeks would not have been enough time to visit both places.  Since I just saw my in-laws for an extended period of time in the summer, my presence in India is not required.  However, if Bob had come, then his mom wouldn’t have let him just go to Hong Kong and not fly home to India.  Because of all these reasons, we decided that it was best for me to just do the trip alone.

The 14-hour-flight was actually pleasant.  I slept for 7.5 hours on the plane.  The two movies that I watched were both a trigger for me.  Finding Dory made me think about my unconventional way of creating my family, and Up always makes me cry.  I have watched that movie quite a few times so I started crying even before the flashback scenes got to where Ellie was told she couldn’t have a baby.  I didn’t care about what the guy next to me would think of me and cried an ugly cry.

Once I got off the plane and freshened up at home, my dad and I went to see my grandmother.  She has aged quite a lot.  Compared to how she looked and sounded 2.5 years ago, she is now a lot slower with her movements and her response time.  She has become more suspicious about people and things and her memory has deteriorated.  She doesn’t go out anymore unless my dad gives her a ride.  She walks very slowly and insists on using her umbrella as her support rather than a wheelchair or a walker.  My dad only drops her off at places where she does not need to walk up and down the stairs or even an escalator.  When I speak to her, I need to speak slowly and often repeat myself several times.  It pains me to see her this way as she had been so mobile and lucid for so many years.  And it also pains me to know that it will be a little while before she can meet my future child.  I just hope that she is still going to be around for that.

My BFF and I met up the first day I arrived.  It was great to see her as the last time we hung out was 2.5  years ago.  We have known each other for 30 years. I had to catch her up on all that has happened to us including the whole history about our donor disappearing, frozen DE cycles failing, the need to use a gestational carrier, the whole fresh DE retrieval with the twist of positive cocaine urine test and to the most recent development of waiting for a transfer.  Just like many other people, she asked if we had thought about adoption since it’s not my eggs or my uterus in this endeavor, as if adoption is automatically the best plan for those who can’t get pregnant naturally.  I gently explained to her our choice and the rationale behind that without being offended or emotional.  Education is the best way to respond.  And yes, even though it is not my eggs or my uterus, I still want to start my family this way.

I realized that it would have been so much more fun to have Bob around.  Coming here by myself, many people asked me what I wanted to do.  To me, this is just me coming home and having a chance to hang out with my friends and family. If Bob had come, we would be taking many different modes of transportation and going to many different places. Without him being here, I don’t have a lot of motivation to do much. I’ll be seeing my old friends of 30 years as well as my college friends. I originally didn’t want to see my old friends since they don’t know much about my fertility journey.  I didn’t want to get together with them and their kids. It would just remind me of how far they have gone with growing their families while I’m still trying to get started. I thought more about it and decided to have a girls’ night without kids.  That way we can still catch up and I will not be constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have.  I’ll also be going to my grandma’s birthday banquet and will see all my younger cousins and their new babies.  I just hope that no one will ask me when I will have mine.  And I hope even more that if someone does ask me, I will handle their questions with grace.

Thanks to technology, Bob and I get to talk to each other and see each other’s faces on video chat. It makes life a little easier without him around. Ten more days before I go back to my husband and fourteen more days before our transfer!

Breast Scare and Grandma

One of my grandmothers is going to turn 97 or 98.  (Age and year of birth of that generation in the Chinese culture is often vague.)  I haven’t seen her since our trip to Asia in April 2014.  It is tough to live so far away from the majority of my family.  Grandma had been in very good health until this summer when she fainted and was hospitalized.  Physically she is fine.  However, her mind might have been a little chaotic.  As someone who used to have the best memory (remembering everyone’s birthday), she exhibited some symptoms of mental confusion and at one point didn’t even recognize my cousin who lives with her.  She no longer takes the shuttle from her home to the market for her breakfast, which was her routine for 20 years.  Her mind has improved since the summer, but it feels that a visit with her overseas is necessary at a time when she is still relatively lucid and healthy and we can still spend quality time together.  I do not want to go when it is too late.  Since we have been trying to sort out the whole donor egg cycle and surrogacy, there has not been a good time to go.  The timing seems good now that we are down to the wire in terms of preparation for our gestational carrier’s transfer.  The legal paperwork will hopefully be completed by the second week of October and we are hopeful to do the transfer the first week of November.   Grandma’s birthday this year is October 22 (it changes yearly according to the lunar calendar).  My brother is set to fly over for a visit around that time.  It would be good for me to go around the last two weeks of October just in time for a transfer in the first week of November.  I was doing my search of reasonable airfare and then…

I found a little lump on my right breast last weekend randomly while watching TV.

It felt small and it moved around a little, but it was definitely something new.  I freaked out a little but decided to make an appointment with my primary care doctor online.  I scored an appointment for Monday afternoon.  I am not going to lie, but my mind was going fast and I was worried.  You know how it is.  Our worries about the future cloud our judgment as our mind jumps to conclusion.  The worst case scenarios flashed in my head.  Fortunately, prayers for peace and the determination to stay away from Goog.le search had kept me sane.

My doctor reviewed my mammogram results prior to coming in the exam room.  My one and only mammogram two years ago was normal but did indicate that my breast tissues were dense and fibrous.  Upon palpation, my doctor couldn’t even find the little lump at first until I pointed it out to her.  She said it felt more fluid-filled, like a cyst.  Just to be sure, she also examined my left breast and found a bigger and denser lump on the top left part of it.  She said that since this one felt more solid, it’d be best for me to do a scan.  She put in an order for a mammogram and told me to go to radiology to make an appointment.

At radiology, I was told that I could be seen immediately.  However, the staff members asked me a question that was taped on the counter: Do you have new masses or lumps on your breast?  I answered yes.  Because of this yes, I was told I had to go to the “Breast Health Services” downstairs.  Over there, I was told that I had to be scheduled to see a doctor there first.  The first opening is this coming Monday late morning.  So that means that I have had to wait a whole week to see this doctor before I can get any scans.

During this week of waiting, I still freak out at times, thinking about the possibility of me being sick and us bringing a baby into this world and the baby not having a mom.  The mind can go to the worst place fast.  But I am mostly at peace with this and am just waiting for the appointment.  I pray that I surrender everything to God as He is the one who is in control.  It could be psychological, but ever since these two lumps were found, I could seriously feel my breasts throbbing with soreness at times.  Speaking with others helps.  Both of the coworkers that I spoke with have had the same happen to them.  Both were checked out and were fine.  It’s helpful to know that the results could be normal.  This has also freaked Bob out.  The first night was the hardest as he was worried and wondered why we had to deal with one thing after another.  He has since then calmed down and has also just been waiting patiently for the appointment next week.

Because of this new development, I have been hesitant with the trip to Asia.  What if these lumps are more serious than I would like?  What if treatment is needed?  What if what if what if.  I have delayed looking into plane tickets but then I am also mindful that I would like to be around for all the initial scans that Annie, our gestational carrier, would have if/when we get pregnant.  It will be even harder to schedule a time to go see my grandmother in the near future once a pregnancy is achieved if I want to be as present for the pregnancy as possible.  So I have decided to purchase my plane tickets this weekend regardless of the outcome of the exam on Monday.

It is sometimes difficult, but I am determined to focus on the good things: seeing my family, spending time with my grandma, and being full of anticipation for our upcoming transfer.  I pray that the exam on Monday yields good results so that my mind can rest and truly enjoy the good things that life has to offer.

Recent Struggles and My Supervisor is Pregnant

It is a little surprising to me that life has been a little bit tough lately.  Every day seems to be a challenge.

One day last week when I woke up, all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and hide under my cover.  It could be an effect of the birth control pill, or because of the gloomy, overcast, and cold weather in the Bay Area, or due to a sense of being in a holding pattern, or it could also be an influence of the multiple pregnant ladies at work.  Plus my husband’s issues with my side of the family don’t seem to be going away.

Yeah there are multiple expectant moms at work:  Original Pregnant Coworker who is about six months pregnant and New Pregnant Coworker who is four months along and is already flaunting her baby bump.  And then, I received a confirmation that my supervisor is pregnant.

I was correct three weeks ago when I said that I eventually would have a third pregnant coworker.  My Dear Colleague had been commenting to me on how Supervisor has been wearing flowy clothes.  I made a mental note of that.  Well, it has been confirmed.  Last week, on the day I wanted to hide from the world, my Supervisor was out sick.  I was quite sure that it was pregnancy related.  The next morning, I was in my room sorting things out, and could hear a bunch of people talking in the conference room right next door.  What I could make out was, Supervisor was announcing to her team of people that 1) her due date is early February and 2) she was feeling awful the day before.  My first reaction: got up and closed the door.  I just wanted to mind my own business and not to be subject to any more information than the confirmation of her pregnancy.  The puzzling thing is, she cannot be more than five minutes pregnant.  Well, I exaggerated.  But you know what I mean.  To give her credit, she didn’t really announce it to the whole wide world.  She told her team and I happened to have overheard.  But it doesn’t make life easy for me.

Work does not feel like a safe place for me.  Triggers seem to be everywhere.  I have to make choices daily.  Do I choose to stay in my office for lunch rather than joining the crowd in the lunch room?  What about riding the elevator or walking up and down the stairs?  I know I have a choice.  I would love to see myself as someone who can make a good choice every day.  But sometimes I just can’t force myself.  I know that I *should* not allow myself to be affected by other people.  After all, making a new life is a joyous thing.  However, I really cannot force myself to be a hypocrite, sitting in the lunch room smiling to everybody.  I feel a strong need to self-preserve.  I struggle.  In my head knowledge, I desire to be a generous and godly person.  Emotionally, I choose to be selfish at times.  Often times, my fight-or-flight reaction wins.

I successfully ate in the lunch room two times last week.  All three pregnant ladies were there the first time.  I let myself be and it was fine.  A coworker oblivious to my struggles commented loudly (like, for real, loud enough that everyone could hear her) that it was rare to see me in the lunch room recently.  Well, thanks for noticing and making a case about it.  Not that she sits there for lunch everyday.  I was proud of myself and felt brave.  It wasn’t easy for me.

I have been closing my office door more often lately.  Just on Friday, I had to do that when a male coworker asked Supervisor how she was feeling, and her answering “so far so good”.  A second time, Original Pregnant Coworker and Pregnant Supervisor were chatting in the hallway about how different they were (in terms of their pregnancies).  Another office door closing moment.  At times, when I see my Supervisor in the hall, I can’t even look her in her eye.

Anyhow, I just have a difficult time dealing with all this, while at the same time seeing the gloomy dark sky every single day.  I need some sun.  Something to cheer me up.  And then I have this fear of the unknown of the future.  I ask what-if questions about my procedure next week, being afraid that the scar tissue is more serious than presented.  And the availability of the donor.  And the stress of putting together curriculum for the prenatal class that I mentioned about before, which is coming up very soon.  All of that plus the family issues.  Honestly the family conflicts stress me out the most.  I just feel like waking up daily is a challenge.  I plead with God on my way to work.  I ask for solutions.  I ask for peace and strength to get through everyday.  Sometimes it is tough.  Some days are a little better.  I am living day by day hoping that tomorrow will be better than today.  I also appreciate it when my friend asked me to give her three things for which I was thankful.  It helped.

Like I said, this is so surprising to me.  I thought I would be able to handle this better than I am.  This feels even more challenging than when we were banking embryos.  You know what I do?  I hang on to the good moments.  Like a walk with my husband and my father, chatting about anything and everything, making jokes and having a good time.

One day at a time.  This is the motto by which I live.

MicroblogMondays: Meeting Cousin’s Baby

It’s Chinese New Year.  The tradition is to go visit with relatives in their home during this time.  My mom was going to visit my aunt and spend time with my cousins, their wives, and my cousin’s baby.  I wrote about my cousin and his wife who got pregnant and gave birth not even a year into their marriage.  I was feeling bitter at times and did not want to see them or meet the baby after he was born.  I sometimes do see pictures of the baby and he is becoming cuter and cuter.  When my mom told me that she was going to get together with my aunt, I gave her a red envelope to give to the baby.  This is a tradition during Chinese New Year for married relatives to give single relatives, especially children, a monetary gift placed in a red envelope for good fortune.  When my mom came home from the visit, she said that my cousin who just dropped her off wanted to come in and say thank you for our red envelope for the baby.  Bob and I greeted him and he asked if we wanted to meet the baby.  Instead of feeling reluctant, I found myself wanting to meet that baby.  Bob and I went to my cousin’s car and saw a baby with chubby cheeks sleeping peacefully in his car seat.  My cousin’s wife and I chatted a little bit about this five month old baby who is already 18 pounds.  I touched his cheeks and his hand.  It dawned on me that I no longer feel jealous of my cousin and his wife, and I don’t feel bitter or the need to hide from them and the baby anymore.  This realization is so freeing.  My cousin said that he had arranged for his family to have dinner with my brother’s family in March.  He invited us along with my mom and his mom.  I told him that we’d be there.  I think having dinner and spending time with them all will be a true test of my true feelings about my cousin and his fertile wife.  Bob asked, “Will you want to hold the baby?”  Without much hesitation, I said, “Sure!”  I think this is a big step forward.