It is a little surprising to me that life has been a little bit tough lately. Every day seems to be a challenge.
One day last week when I woke up, all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and hide under my cover. It could be an effect of the birth control pill, or because of the gloomy, overcast, and cold weather in the Bay Area, or due to a sense of being in a holding pattern, or it could also be an influence of the multiple pregnant ladies at work. Plus my husband’s issues with my side of the family don’t seem to be going away.
Yeah there are multiple expectant moms at work: Original Pregnant Coworker who is about six months pregnant and New Pregnant Coworker who is four months along and is already flaunting her baby bump. And then, I received a confirmation that my supervisor is pregnant.
I was correct three weeks ago when I said that I eventually would have a third pregnant coworker. My Dear Colleague had been commenting to me on how Supervisor has been wearing flowy clothes. I made a mental note of that. Well, it has been confirmed. Last week, on the day I wanted to hide from the world, my Supervisor was out sick. I was quite sure that it was pregnancy related. The next morning, I was in my room sorting things out, and could hear a bunch of people talking in the conference room right next door. What I could make out was, Supervisor was announcing to her team of people that 1) her due date is early February and 2) she was feeling awful the day before. My first reaction: got up and closed the door. I just wanted to mind my own business and not to be subject to any more information than the confirmation of her pregnancy. The puzzling thing is, she cannot be more than five minutes pregnant. Well, I exaggerated. But you know what I mean. To give her credit, she didn’t really announce it to the whole wide world. She told her team and I happened to have overheard. But it doesn’t make life easy for me.
Work does not feel like a safe place for me. Triggers seem to be everywhere. I have to make choices daily. Do I choose to stay in my office for lunch rather than joining the crowd in the lunch room? What about riding the elevator or walking up and down the stairs? I know I have a choice. I would love to see myself as someone who can make a good choice every day. But sometimes I just can’t force myself. I know that I *should* not allow myself to be affected by other people. After all, making a new life is a joyous thing. However, I really cannot force myself to be a hypocrite, sitting in the lunch room smiling to everybody. I feel a strong need to self-preserve. I struggle. In my head knowledge, I desire to be a generous and godly person. Emotionally, I choose to be selfish at times. Often times, my fight-or-flight reaction wins.
I successfully ate in the lunch room two times last week. All three pregnant ladies were there the first time. I let myself be and it was fine. A coworker oblivious to my struggles commented loudly (like, for real, loud enough that everyone could hear her) that it was rare to see me in the lunch room recently. Well, thanks for noticing and making a case about it. Not that she sits there for lunch everyday. I was proud of myself and felt brave. It wasn’t easy for me.
I have been closing my office door more often lately. Just on Friday, I had to do that when a male coworker asked Supervisor how she was feeling, and her answering “so far so good”. A second time, Original Pregnant Coworker and Pregnant Supervisor were chatting in the hallway about how different they were (in terms of their pregnancies). Another office door closing moment. At times, when I see my Supervisor in the hall, I can’t even look her in her eye.
Anyhow, I just have a difficult time dealing with all this, while at the same time seeing the gloomy dark sky every single day. I need some sun. Something to cheer me up. And then I have this fear of the unknown of the future. I ask what-if questions about my procedure next week, being afraid that the scar tissue is more serious than presented. And the availability of the donor. And the stress of putting together curriculum for the prenatal class that I mentioned about before, which is coming up very soon. All of that plus the family issues. Honestly the family conflicts stress me out the most. I just feel like waking up daily is a challenge. I plead with God on my way to work. I ask for solutions. I ask for peace and strength to get through everyday. Sometimes it is tough. Some days are a little better. I am living day by day hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. I also appreciate it when my friend asked me to give her three things for which I was thankful. It helped.
Like I said, this is so surprising to me. I thought I would be able to handle this better than I am. This feels even more challenging than when we were banking embryos. You know what I do? I hang on to the good moments. Like a walk with my husband and my father, chatting about anything and everything, making jokes and having a good time.
One day at a time. This is the motto by which I live.