MicroblogMondays: Without My Husband

Microblog_Mondays

This will be the longest Bob and I are apart from each other since we got married.  I wish he were here with me in Hong Kong.  The trip is not the same without him.

Why didn’t he come, you may ask?  This is kind of a last minute trip as an effort for me to spend some time with my aging grandmother and celebrate her 98th birthday before we embark on our journey of maybe/really/hopefully/finally making a baby.  I anticipate our life to be a little bit busy flying to Annie’s state periodically for appointments when we get pregnant.  Then I won’t have the freedom to just hop on a plane for a trip out of the country as easily as right now, when we are just waiting for Annie’s lining to be built and for the transfer to take place.  If Bob came with me, we would have had to also go to India to see his parents, and two weeks would not have been enough time to visit both places.  Since I just saw my in-laws for an extended period of time in the summer, my presence in India is not required.  However, if Bob had come, then his mom wouldn’t have let him just go to Hong Kong and not fly home to India.  Because of all these reasons, we decided that it was best for me to just do the trip alone.

The 14-hour-flight was actually pleasant.  I slept for 7.5 hours on the plane.  The two movies that I watched were both a trigger for me.  Finding Dory made me think about my unconventional way of creating my family, and Up always makes me cry.  I have watched that movie quite a few times so I started crying even before the flashback scenes got to where Ellie was told she couldn’t have a baby.  I didn’t care about what the guy next to me would think of me and cried an ugly cry.

Once I got off the plane and freshened up at home, my dad and I went to see my grandmother.  She has aged quite a lot.  Compared to how she looked and sounded 2.5 years ago, she is now a lot slower with her movements and her response time.  She has become more suspicious about people and things and her memory has deteriorated.  She doesn’t go out anymore unless my dad gives her a ride.  She walks very slowly and insists on using her umbrella as her support rather than a wheelchair or a walker.  My dad only drops her off at places where she does not need to walk up and down the stairs or even an escalator.  When I speak to her, I need to speak slowly and often repeat myself several times.  It pains me to see her this way as she had been so mobile and lucid for so many years.  And it also pains me to know that it will be a little while before she can meet my future child.  I just hope that she is still going to be around for that.

My BFF and I met up the first day I arrived.  It was great to see her as the last time we hung out was 2.5  years ago.  We have known each other for 30 years. I had to catch her up on all that has happened to us including the whole history about our donor disappearing, frozen DE cycles failing, the need to use a gestational carrier, the whole fresh DE retrieval with the twist of positive cocaine urine test and to the most recent development of waiting for a transfer.  Just like many other people, she asked if we had thought about adoption since it’s not my eggs or my uterus in this endeavor, as if adoption is automatically the best plan for those who can’t get pregnant naturally.  I gently explained to her our choice and the rationale behind that without being offended or emotional.  Education is the best way to respond.  And yes, even though it is not my eggs or my uterus, I still want to start my family this way.

I realized that it would have been so much more fun to have Bob around.  Coming here by myself, many people asked me what I wanted to do.  To me, this is just me coming home and having a chance to hang out with my friends and family. If Bob had come, we would be taking many different modes of transportation and going to many different places. Without him being here, I don’t have a lot of motivation to do much. I’ll be seeing my old friends of 30 years as well as my college friends. I originally didn’t want to see my old friends since they don’t know much about my fertility journey.  I didn’t want to get together with them and their kids. It would just remind me of how far they have gone with growing their families while I’m still trying to get started. I thought more about it and decided to have a girls’ night without kids.  That way we can still catch up and I will not be constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have.  I’ll also be going to my grandma’s birthday banquet and will see all my younger cousins and their new babies.  I just hope that no one will ask me when I will have mine.  And I hope even more that if someone does ask me, I will handle their questions with grace.

Thanks to technology, Bob and I get to talk to each other and see each other’s faces on video chat. It makes life a little easier without him around. Ten more days before I go back to my husband and fourteen more days before our transfer!

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9 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Without My Husband

  1. This sounds like a great visit, lots of friends and family (although hard to see your mom’s transformation). It’s funny, your friend wants to know why you’re choosing gestational carrier and not adopting, while I have people asking me why I’m adopting and not considering gestational carrier. I guess there’s always some other option that people think is “easier” in some way. Thank goodness all these options exist and people can choose the right way for their own family, if fortunate enough to have those choices. Oh wow, they should NOT be able to play Up on planes! I would totally be ugly crying. If I ever need a cathartic cry, that’s the sequence I watch. Never fails. I am excited for your upcoming transfer, and I hope you have a safe trip home and a good visit for the rest of the time you are in Hong Kong.

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  2. 7.5 hours sleep on a 14 hour flight is a good flight!

    I found that visiting family on my own is very different to visiting with my husband. I didn’t have him to entertain, so I could do things like a girls’ night out with friends, or take my parents out, or simply sit and be with each of my parents as they aged and failed (just as you are with your grandmother). You’ll be glad you took this time, I know it.

    Besides, when absence makes the heart grow fonder, the reunions are always fun. (Even if west-east jetlag can be a killer!)

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  3. I’d feel the same way traveling without J. He had. To leave a family vacation a few days early and I cried and cried when we said goodbye. Enjoy being with your family again. It sounds like the kind of stress free, fun vacation that you’ll dream about when your baby finally does arrive and you wonder why traveling with a three year old isn’t classified as a method of torture. 😉

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  4. The ‘have you thought about adoption question’ would bug me as of course each of us has considered it and made our own decision to not pursue that avenue or whatever. It’s not like you are going to reply, “oh adoption? What’s that, tell me more!”. But I know people mean well when they ask and it sounds like you are a very patient person and able to handle difficult questions well

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