Fear

This seems like the theme recently in our household.

Iris, our donor, may well have been scheduled with appointments.  But I haven’t contacted my nurse to find out more.  The only update that I was given was a voicemail from my nurse scheduling an appointment with me for a consultation for August 17th to go over the findings from Iris’ genetic consult.  Other than that, nothing much is going on.

It’s a waiting game, right?  So we wait.

In the mean time, I got some very good news from a reader of this blog.  She reached out to me a little while ago, letting me know that she is cheering me on. She goes to the same clinic and was going to pursue egg donation.  Since she and her husband wanted a fully Chinese donor, the wait was a little longer.  She eventually picked a donor who did not pass the initial screening.  How devastating it is to finally find a suitable person only to know that she did not qualify to donate.  Fortunately, the agency director (the same one that we work with) helped her find a repeat donor who agreed to donate to her.  I had been waiting for her news since I knew she transferred end of June.  I was so worried that her silence meant an unsuccessful cycle.  When I learned that she is now over 7 weeks pregnant, I was so thrilled for her!  Somehow, anyone who gets pregnant with donor eggs just gives me hope that my cycle can work too.

Hope.  And fear.

I was having a discussion with Aramis about it.  I have been having fear daily about my future cycle that it won’t work for me.  On some level, I feel that the odds are on our side.  But on some other level, it is really hard for me to believe that I will finally get pregnant.  I just feel that I can’t be that lucky because I always fall on the wrong side of statistics.  But if I continue this line of thinking, I am discounting what God has planned for me.  I don’t know what will happen, but having fear is not the way to go.  It is irrational, which I know.  No one knows what will happen in the future except for God, and I need to choose to trust Him daily for the future.  I was telling Aramis that I can play devil’s advocate myself to counter my own irrational thoughts and fear.  It is a weird position to be in: to have a lot of hope but at the same time not to dare to hope too much.  It’s so crazy.  Somehow, I can’t wait for the cycle to start so if the first round fails, I can start the second round sooner rather than later.

However, my dear friend Aramis reassured me that it is not crazy.  These are “just the thoughts of someone who’s been through this more than enough and is ready for it to be over.”

Which is so true.

I am so thankful that I have friends around me who have done this and have had similar emotions resulting from the whole egg donation process.  I do not hesitate to go talk to them when I need to.  And they have constantly been providing unwavering support even when they are very busy mothers with their little ones.  I can’t imagine going through this without them.

In a sense, because of my own fear, I can actually understand my husband’s recent fear.

Bob’s current company may run out of funding in the next couple of months, which means job insecurity for him.  As a software engineer in this area, he is contacted by recruiters on a regular basis.  He wasn’t really interested in talking to any of them prior to learning about the potential fate of his company.  Once he found out that he might not have a job in the near future, he started doing some phone interviews, online interviews, and in-person ones.  He recently received a job offer with a bigger and more established company, with a significant pay raise, a more senior position, and new career directions and challenges that he feels excited about.  He even gets as many vacation days as I do, which I had worked hard for after being with my company for over ten years.  The only drawback is the location, which is 45-minute drive away rather than in the city.  All in all, it is a very good change for him.  He spoke with the person that he’ll report to, and felt even better about the direction of the team and the company.  However, his excitement is also complicated by last year’s experience with his previous job where he was let go.  Because of that experience, when things just happened out of the blue and went downhill fast for no particular reason, it is somehow hard for him to trust, especially start-up companies.  He came home and told me his irrational fear: that somehow this new company would withdraw its offer after he quits his current job.  He knows that it is irrational.  But somehow he can’t help himself.

I did not tease him or dismiss his fear.  It is real.  This is coming from someone who has been hurt before by trusting those who were not trustworthy.  I can totally see the parallel between his experience and mine.  He got burnt, and really needs time to recover from it even though now he gets good news.  In order to protect himself, he questions his decisions and wonders whether this is the right thing to do.  I have also been burnt so many times in the past few years (with Bob together no less), with so much hope in all the cycles which resulted in nothing but a significantly smaller bank account.

I told Bob that I understand his fear.  It is irrational.  But it is so real.  I told him about my fear.  To him, my fear is a lot more significant than his.  If his job fails, he can find a new job.  If our cycle fails, then what next?  Can we live child-free the rest of our lives?

I think it is healthy to let ourselves process our feelings.  But I will try not to dwell on it for too long.  I encouraged Bob to pray about his fears and to give it all up to God.  I promise him that I will do the same.  Since things are so out of our control, there is really nothing much we can do about our situations, right?

Bob and I are in this together.   We are so blessed that we can lift each other up in times of need and in times of fear.  This is the silver lining of this journey called life.

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5 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I think Aramis is totally right, it is natural to fear and natural to not believe or be able to see things working out when they haven’t so many other times. I believe that this can work for you, and I am hopeful that it will on the very first round so that you can be done and on with your lives. Sending my love.

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  2. Sounds completely normal to me. I’ve noticed that J’s biggest fear when I try to discuss the idea of having one more kid is that we’ll have financial problems. It’s a very real fear, especially stretched as thin as we are right now. I think it’s the provider instinct in them to worry more about finances. I hate when it gets in the way of what I want but I do see that it’s his love for me that drives it.

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  3. I agree, the fear is normal but although it is real it is not the only thing that is real. Also the unpredictability of life means that while disappointment can happen, so can the fulfillment of dreams. But I think we often focus on the negative as a way of protecting ourselves. I hope this waiting period goes as quickly as possible and you can cycle soon!

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  4. That Aramis chick sounds pretty smart. 🙂 Honestly though, everything you’re feeling is how I felt headed to the Czech Republic. And probably some more of my own personal weird fears. I hope that all of these fears turn out to be groundless once this cycle gets on the road. I’m so excited for you guys!

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  5. Pingback: Wise Words | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

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