Life is good, although I am in the middle of an extra long, longer-than-two-week two week wait.
Ever since Lucy came home, I have been feeling happy, calm, at peace, and ridiculously optimistic. It’s not that I have any psychic ability to know that I am pregnant. It’s just that I have decided to live these two weeks with an expectation of being pregnant and staying pregnant. I am determined to keep this attitude all the way until beta day. I choose to believe in God’s power to make the impossible possible. Plus, there is a good chance that I could be pregnant, so why not stick with this attitude for now until we see the results? I am very thankful that God answers my prayers by keeping me so calm and at peace.
I chat with Lucy daily. I wake up in the morning praying. Then I put my hands on my tummy forming a heart shape with my fingers. I talk to Lucy about where it should be, hatching, finding a site to attach, start to implant, and now just basically to grow and grow and divide, and grow some more. We are a team of two, traveling together, doing everything together. Whenever there is a new experience, I share with Lucy about it. You would hear me mumble sentences like, “This is your first yoga class”, or “Oh this is your first time meeting Auntie Q”. When we went grocery shopping over the weekend, I was walking to another produce store by myself while Bob went to the car, mumbling this to Lucy, “We come here a lot although it’s 15 minutes away from home because you just park the car and walk to Tra.der Joe’s, produce market, drugstore, the bank… When you are born, we’ll wear you on us or we’ll put you in a stroller, but we will come back here all the time.” During the Sunday sermon, I wrote in my notebook, “Lucy’s first sermon”. I am loving this period of time of visualizing this little embryo having a chance at life. You know how they say that distractions are the best during the two-week wait. I am doing the exact opposite. I am constantly and deliberately including Lucy in my daily activities. I am glad that this approach has been working out for me so far.
This attitude spills over to Bob who is also ultra positive this time. He has definitely been affected by my attitude. Bob goes to bed placing his hand on my tummy, saying good night to Lucy. In the morning, he does the same thing. When I leave for work, we have group hugs for our little family of three. He sends me G.chat messages and asks “How’s Lucy?” This has created a very nice and positive environment for Lucy to grow and grow. I am assuming that it’s growing and growing.
Physically I am not feeling much. And I know I am not supposed to feel much. I went to see my acupuncturist on Friday. She commented on my pulse, saying that it was nice and strong. She mentioned that the kidney energy and the earth energy were both strong. And those are the energies that are important to fertility. On Sunday, I felt this tugging sensation on my lower abdomen repeatedly all morning and on and off the rest of the day. I usually don’t attribute any physical sensation to a pregnancy, but I am taking a different approach this time. I am assuming that this pulsating and tugging sensation has to do with the hormones from a pregnancy. Whether or not it’s true, I don’t know. But I am going to keep a uniform line of thinking here for the rest of the wait.
A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked Bob about us having a baby for the first time since we got married. Honestly, I was surprised that it took her so long to ask. She told Bob that it’d be too late if we waited because we are getting old. I wasn’t actually offended by her. I am glad that she cares and actually wants a grand child. Yesterday during their Sky.pe session, she once again asked for a baby and said something that really blew my mind. She said that the stars are aligning for Bob and something good in terms of fertility would happen to us in September or October. My mother-in-law studies astrology. You know me, as a Christian, I don’t believe in fortune telling, psychic, or anything that predicts the future. It makes me extra uncomfortable. If she is right, then it is just going to be a beautiful coincidence that will change our lives forever. I sure hope that this coincidence will happen and we have one more good story to tell in our lives.
Sometimes I do get this anxious feeling. But I’d say it happens about 5% of the time. Majority of the time I am full of happiness and gratitude. A friend from bible study studied my face and said that I have a lightness that she hasn’t seen since my journey started. I am glad it shows, and it means that I am not forcing it. I know that there is a possibility that this doesn’t work. I know that I will be able to sort through the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation. I am just determined not to live it twice if I don’t have to.
Seven more days to go. I can’t wait to see a fantastic beta number!