Almost Two Years Later… and 9 DPIUI

Here we are more than half way through our two week wait.  I have to say that I’m doing great emotionally.

My temperature has been up, which is not unexpected since we’re just 9 days past IUI.  Plus I have been supplementing with one Endometrin capsule per day so I would expect that to have some effect on my basal body temperature.  I’m not even sure why I am taking my BBT.  What is the point if progesterone supplement will keep it high?  I don’t really know.  I just find myself sticking the thermometer in my mouth at 5:30am daily.

Emotionally, I have been feeling quite normal.  I am not anxious about the outcome since 1) we don’t have control over what is going on and 2) I don’t really expect the IUI to work.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am still not-so-secretly hoping that this is our lucky cycle.  At the same time, the odds are definitely not on our side, despite my husband’s surprisingly abundant swimmers.  We really need my egg to be good.  If my eggs have not been good in the last two years including our IVF cycles, why would I expect anything differently for this cycle?  But there IS still hope because in God nothing is impossible.

Speaking of the timeline, it has almost been two years since we started trying to conceive.  I still remember our wedding night in April 2011 how we naively used protection thinking that we would wait until at least April 2012 to start trying.  Little did we know that a major surgery was on the horizon which pushed TTC to start early in January 2012.  Fast forward to the current time.  As we’re approaching January 2014, I am amazed at how my mentality and the condition of my heart have changed.  A year and a half ago, I got the news from my OB/GYN that my FSH and AMH pointed to diminished ovarian reserve and how IVF would be the right thing to do.  I came home crying to Bob and thinking to myself that I would prove him wrong.  We started to embark on the journey of alternative medicine and Chinese herbs.  About a year ago, we finally admitted that natural conception would most likely not be our means of getting pregnant.  We anxiously began to research on various IVF clinics in the area and began to attend IVF seminars.  At that time, I was grieving the loss of getting pregnant naturally, battling the jealousy and bitterness that I felt, and trying very hard to understand every single aspect of my diagnosis and the best course of treatment for us.  I did not have peace.  I was anxious and lost.  Diminished ovarian reserve is a killer diagnosis.  It sounds so so grim and so hopeless even with advance treatment such as IVF with ICSI.  I was so afraid of being one of those poor responders that I read about online.  I read so many blogs and forum posts and find so few success stories.  I felt so sorry for myself that my abysmal antral follicle count would mean not having any embryos to freeze in the end.  I was also jealous of people who have many follicles and many embryos, despite the fact that they also suffer from this beast of infertility.

Despite our fear and continued grief, we moved full force with IVF #1, which resulted in a roller coaster ride and a frozen embryo.  Second IVF with four eggs but nothing to transfer.  Third IVF that resulted in only one follicle which leads us to our current situation: post IUI and waiting for the verdict in a few days.  I think normally one would be discouraged by the seemingly frequent failures on our part to even make an embryo to transfer, let alone getting pregnant with the embryos.  I was blissfully ignorant during our first cycle about the chances of having fertilized eggs.  I thought that we would have at least two if not three embryos to transfer on day three.  I was a nervous wreck during our second IVF hoping to have one more embryo than the previous time.  Unfortunately our embryos didn’t grow beyond day three.  Ever since then I have been praying for total submission and trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for us and for all that we have experienced.  I have been praying for peace of God that transcends all understanding and for God to guard my heart and my minds in Christ Jesus (from Philippians 4:7).

I can tell that the peace that I have experienced in the last month has been amazing.  I not only feel peace about our situation regardless of the outcome, this peace also spills over to other areas of my life.  I have been celebrating friends’ pregnancies and feel truly happy for them.  An online friend of mine who had been trying for over two years did her second IVF, transferred three blastocysts, and just confirmed that she has two beans inside her.  I normally would feel sorry for myself that someone who is my age could get so many blastocysts out of one cycle while I struggled to hold onto one embryo.  Somehow, I am very very happy for her and do not have an ounce of jealousy in my heart.  I have been praying daily for another lady in my Bible study group who is my age and about 20 weeks pregnant.  I also do not have any jealous or bitterness towards her.  I can even tolerate online chats with my infertile pregnant friend without getting too annoyed or offended.  I realized that when I am weak and can’t achieve something such as peace and calm on my own, God is THE source of strength and comfort.  He has been showing me His power and might in transforming my heart.  Really, I cannot do it on my own and I am glad that God chooses to answer my prayers so quickly.

I somehow know that we are going to try for a baby for a long time.  Twenty-four months (and more than 24 cycles) is a very long time to try to get pregnant.  As we approach our second anniversary of TTC, I hope and pray that I will continue to keep this peace as I believe that God definitely has a good plan for us.  I also pray that my husband will experience this peace as well.  Poor guy.  He has not been in a good place emotionally in regards to others’ birth news, pregnancy news, and even IVF news (number of embryos, follicles, etc).  Whenever I tell him about so-and-so’s journey or show him newborn baby pictures, he has an adverse reaction to it.  I do not judge him as I used to have the same response.  I just hope that God’s peace will also come to him so we can both go through this journey together in peace that comes from the One high above.

I am not saying that I will not ever feel sad or jealous again.  I may even cry my eyes out this coming week if we find out that our IUI is a bust.  A normal dose of negative emotions is healthy.  But I so welcome this change in my heart knowing that God is compassionate about our sufferings and will give us the strength to persevere.

Oh and for this IUI?  I am still undecided about testing.  I most likely will test Thursday night to determine if we should get a blood test done on Friday.  I’ve got to find out when/if to stop the progesterone, right?

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14 thoughts on “Almost Two Years Later… and 9 DPIUI

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey so far. Although we are in a different place than you are (just starting IVF#1) so much of what you describe sounds familiar. I am hoping too that this IUI results in a pregnancy. Still, there is value in looking at the journey itself and honouring what we have learned. I am glad to hear you have found some peace with the situation. Hopefully your husband can come to share that one day – but it’s normal for people to be in different stages of acceptance,too. Sending tons of good wishes your way.

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  2. Pingback: Paso 4: Transferencia Embrionaria – SER MADRE

  3. I loved reading how God has provided you with such peace! That is awesome and shows just how loving, merciful, and gracious He is towards us. I know you don’t have much hope for this cycle, but the Bible says that hope in God does not disappoint. Everything is possible with God, so believe the impossible about this cycle and try to not speak negative. Proverbs 18:21 says the tongue has power of life and death and those who love it will eat it’s fruit. Only speak positive over your situation, this cycle, and any other area of your life. I’m saying prayers for you girlie! God is good and you will have a child of your own.

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  4. Waiting is the hardest thing.. I’m glad that God is giving you peace at this point in your journey. Even with that peace I know it is hard to celebrate with others. I will be praying for you! If you have a down moment put on your super hero socks!

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  5. I know what you mean about reading online and being afraid of being like the people you read about. And yet here we are, and now people are reading about us. The circle of infertility! So glad you’ve made peace with things, and I hope that this cycle surprises you in the best of ways.

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  6. What a huge blessing to have so much peace and to truly feel happiness. This post gives me hope that I too will someday experience this as I still often have reactions like your husband- not towards infertile couples but towards those couples that have never had to worry about having a baby and get pregnant so easily.
    I pray that you have news to share with us soon of the miracle you have been waiting for!
    Thank you for this post.

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  7. I’m so glad you’ve been able to find some peace- even if it isn’t always easy. Peace is hard to come by in the infertility world. I’m still holding out hope that this IUI was enough… keep us posted!

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  8. The ups and downs of emotions for fertility struggles are so similar no matter the diagnosis. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is wonderful and inspiring to others that you have found such peace. Hoping for the same for your husband.

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