Here we are more than half way through our two week wait. I have to say that I’m doing great emotionally.
My temperature has been up, which is not unexpected since we’re just 9 days past IUI. Plus I have been supplementing with one Endometrin capsule per day so I would expect that to have some effect on my basal body temperature. I’m not even sure why I am taking my BBT. What is the point if progesterone supplement will keep it high? I don’t really know. I just find myself sticking the thermometer in my mouth at 5:30am daily.
Emotionally, I have been feeling quite normal. I am not anxious about the outcome since 1) we don’t have control over what is going on and 2) I don’t really expect the IUI to work. Don’t get me wrong. I am still not-so-secretly hoping that this is our lucky cycle. At the same time, the odds are definitely not on our side, despite my husband’s surprisingly abundant swimmers. We really need my egg to be good. If my eggs have not been good in the last two years including our IVF cycles, why would I expect anything differently for this cycle? But there IS still hope because in God nothing is impossible.
Speaking of the timeline, it has almost been two years since we started trying to conceive. I still remember our wedding night in April 2011 how we naively used protection thinking that we would wait until at least April 2012 to start trying. Little did we know that a major surgery was on the horizon which pushed TTC to start early in January 2012. Fast forward to the current time. As we’re approaching January 2014, I am amazed at how my mentality and the condition of my heart have changed. A year and a half ago, I got the news from my OB/GYN that my FSH and AMH pointed to diminished ovarian reserve and how IVF would be the right thing to do. I came home crying to Bob and thinking to myself that I would prove him wrong. We started to embark on the journey of alternative medicine and Chinese herbs. About a year ago, we finally admitted that natural conception would most likely not be our means of getting pregnant. We anxiously began to research on various IVF clinics in the area and began to attend IVF seminars. At that time, I was grieving the loss of getting pregnant naturally, battling the jealousy and bitterness that I felt, and trying very hard to understand every single aspect of my diagnosis and the best course of treatment for us. I did not have peace. I was anxious and lost. Diminished ovarian reserve is a killer diagnosis. It sounds so so grim and so hopeless even with advance treatment such as IVF with ICSI. I was so afraid of being one of those poor responders that I read about online. I read so many blogs and forum posts and find so few success stories. I felt so sorry for myself that my abysmal antral follicle count would mean not having any embryos to freeze in the end. I was also jealous of people who have many follicles and many embryos, despite the fact that they also suffer from this beast of infertility.
Despite our fear and continued grief, we moved full force with IVF #1, which resulted in a roller coaster ride and a frozen embryo. Second IVF with four eggs but nothing to transfer. Third IVF that resulted in only one follicle which leads us to our current situation: post IUI and waiting for the verdict in a few days. I think normally one would be discouraged by the seemingly frequent failures on our part to even make an embryo to transfer, let alone getting pregnant with the embryos. I was blissfully ignorant during our first cycle about the chances of having fertilized eggs. I thought that we would have at least two if not three embryos to transfer on day three. I was a nervous wreck during our second IVF hoping to have one more embryo than the previous time. Unfortunately our embryos didn’t grow beyond day three. Ever since then I have been praying for total submission and trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for us and for all that we have experienced. I have been praying for peace of God that transcends all understanding and for God to guard my heart and my minds in Christ Jesus (from Philippians 4:7).
I can tell that the peace that I have experienced in the last month has been amazing. I not only feel peace about our situation regardless of the outcome, this peace also spills over to other areas of my life. I have been celebrating friends’ pregnancies and feel truly happy for them. An online friend of mine who had been trying for over two years did her second IVF, transferred three blastocysts, and just confirmed that she has two beans inside her. I normally would feel sorry for myself that someone who is my age could get so many blastocysts out of one cycle while I struggled to hold onto one embryo. Somehow, I am very very happy for her and do not have an ounce of jealousy in my heart. I have been praying daily for another lady in my Bible study group who is my age and about 20 weeks pregnant. I also do not have any jealous or bitterness towards her. I can even tolerate online chats with my infertile pregnant friend without getting too annoyed or offended. I realized that when I am weak and can’t achieve something such as peace and calm on my own, God is THE source of strength and comfort. He has been showing me His power and might in transforming my heart. Really, I cannot do it on my own and I am glad that God chooses to answer my prayers so quickly.
I somehow know that we are going to try for a baby for a long time. Twenty-four months (and more than 24 cycles) is a very long time to try to get pregnant. As we approach our second anniversary of TTC, I hope and pray that I will continue to keep this peace as I believe that God definitely has a good plan for us. I also pray that my husband will experience this peace as well. Poor guy. He has not been in a good place emotionally in regards to others’ birth news, pregnancy news, and even IVF news (number of embryos, follicles, etc). Whenever I tell him about so-and-so’s journey or show him newborn baby pictures, he has an adverse reaction to it. I do not judge him as I used to have the same response. I just hope that God’s peace will also come to him so we can both go through this journey together in peace that comes from the One high above.
I am not saying that I will not ever feel sad or jealous again. I may even cry my eyes out this coming week if we find out that our IUI is a bust. A normal dose of negative emotions is healthy. But I so welcome this change in my heart knowing that God is compassionate about our sufferings and will give us the strength to persevere.
Oh and for this IUI? I am still undecided about testing. I most likely will test Thursday night to determine if we should get a blood test done on Friday. I’ve got to find out when/if to stop the progesterone, right?