MicroblogMondays: 7DP5DT, AKA Half Way Done

Microblog_Mondays

Life is good, although I am in the middle of an extra long, longer-than-two-week two week wait.

Ever since Lucy came home, I have been feeling happy, calm, at peace, and ridiculously optimistic.  It’s not that I have any psychic ability to know that I am pregnant.  It’s just that I have decided to live these two weeks with an expectation of being pregnant and staying pregnant.  I am determined to keep this attitude all the way until beta day.  I choose to believe in God’s power to make the impossible possible.  Plus, there is a good chance that I could be pregnant, so why not stick with this attitude for now until we see the results?  I am very thankful that God answers my prayers by keeping me so calm and at peace.

I chat with Lucy daily.  I wake up in the morning praying.  Then I put my hands on my tummy forming a heart shape with my fingers.  I talk to Lucy about where it should be, hatching, finding a site to attach, start to implant, and now just basically to grow and grow and divide, and grow some more.  We are a team of two, traveling together, doing everything together.  Whenever there is a new experience, I share with Lucy about it.  You would hear me mumble sentences like, “This is your first yoga class”, or “Oh this is your first time meeting Auntie Q”.  When we went grocery shopping over the weekend, I was walking to another produce store by myself while Bob went to the car, mumbling this to Lucy, “We come here a lot although it’s 15 minutes away from home because you just park the car and walk to Tra.der Joe’s, produce market, drugstore, the bank… When you are born, we’ll wear you on us or we’ll put you in a stroller, but we will come back here all the time.”  During the Sunday sermon, I wrote in my notebook, “Lucy’s first sermon”.  I am loving this period of time of visualizing this little embryo having a chance at life.  You know how they say that distractions are the best during the two-week wait.  I am doing the exact opposite.  I am constantly and deliberately including Lucy in my daily activities.  I am glad that this approach has been working out for me so far.

This attitude spills over to Bob who is also ultra positive this time.  He has definitely been affected by my attitude.  Bob goes to bed placing his hand on my tummy, saying good night to Lucy.  In the morning, he does the same thing.  When I leave for work, we have group hugs for our little family of three.  He sends me G.chat messages and asks “How’s Lucy?”  This has created a very nice and positive environment for Lucy to grow and grow.  I am assuming that it’s growing and growing.

Physically I am not feeling much.  And I know I am  not supposed to feel much.  I went to see my acupuncturist on Friday.  She commented on my pulse, saying that it was nice and strong.  She mentioned that the kidney energy and the earth energy were both strong.  And those are the energies that are important to fertility.  On Sunday, I felt this tugging sensation on my lower abdomen repeatedly all morning and on and off the rest of the day.  I usually don’t attribute any physical sensation to a pregnancy, but I am taking a different approach this time.  I am assuming that this pulsating and tugging sensation has to do with the hormones from a pregnancy.  Whether or not it’s true, I don’t know.  But I am going to keep a uniform line of thinking here for the rest of the wait.

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked Bob about us having a baby for the first time since we got married.  Honestly, I was surprised that it took her so long to ask.  She told Bob that it’d be too late if we waited because we are getting old.  I wasn’t actually offended by her.  I am glad that she cares and actually wants a grand child.  Yesterday during their Sky.pe session, she once again asked for a baby and said something that really blew my mind.  She said that the stars are aligning for Bob and something good in terms of fertility would happen to us in September or October.  My mother-in-law studies astrology.  You know me, as a Christian, I don’t believe in fortune telling, psychic, or anything that predicts the future.  It makes me extra uncomfortable.  If she is right, then it is just going to be a beautiful coincidence that will change our lives forever.  I sure hope that this coincidence will happen and we have one more good story to tell in our lives.

Sometimes I do get this anxious feeling.  But I’d say it happens about 5% of the time.  Majority of the time I am full of happiness and gratitude.  A friend from bible study studied my face and said that I have a lightness that she hasn’t seen since my journey started.  I am glad it shows, and it means that I am not forcing it.  I know that there is a possibility that this doesn’t work.  I know that I will be able to sort through the heartbreak, disappointment, and devastation.  I am just determined not to live it twice if I don’t have to.

Seven more days to go.  I can’t wait to see a fantastic beta number!

Lucy Joins the Family

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving yesterday.

Waiting for phone calls from your fertility clinic is very hard.  Unfortunately, so many of us know how that feels.

Before our phone call yesterday, I was mostly calm.  In my mind, I was thinking for sure that we’d have one or two, or even three day six blastocysts to freeze given the number of early blastocysts the day before.  Well, that was my human way of thinking.  We waited all morning.  We continued our Thanksgiving tradition of going to a South American breakfast place for Bob’s chilaquiles and for my beef soup.  I kept my phone in sight throughout that time including during our wait at a very noisy coffee place for my hot chocolate and Bob’s coffee.  With my hands full, I still tucked my phone in the purse where it was easily accessible.  The phone call came when we just pulled into the driveway.

A very nice nurse told us that we had one embryo that had grown to day six and had become a blastocyst with a grade of 4BB.  Four means it was almost hatching.  She said the other two Bs are good grades.  So this is it.  Our expectation/wishful thinking/hope that we would have two, or three, or even four more embryos was crushed.  I didn’t ask more questions. I didn’t ask which embryo on day three this blastocyst came from.  It didn’t matter anymore.  I felt that the less I know the better.  The nurse asked if I had made an appointment with my RE to go over the next steps.  I told her that we had transferred an early blastocyst the day before.  She said, “Oh that’s excellent!  Early blastocysts are great!”  I appreciated her enthusiasm.

You know me.  I always try to be honest when I am here writing about my thoughts and feelings.  I was disappointed.  With ten eggs, the statistics from our donor’s past cycles told me that we would have about three to four, if not five embryos at the end of this process, especially with 100% fertilization.  I really did not expect to have a total of two embryos in the end.  But I did not fight my disappointment.  My friend L told me that the more I fight it, the more the disappointment will grow.  So I was acknowledging my disappointment and had to process my feelings for the rest of the afternoon.

About 30 minutes after we got the news, I became grateful.  I was very grateful that little Lucy (our 4BB blastocyst) decided to join us.  I know that I could end up with nothing to freeze.  The fact that we have Lucy is a great reason to be thankful for.  We did end up with two blastocysts.  In my human being eyes, this might not have been the most ideal outcome.  In God’s eyes, this is the right number.  I have all along been praying for a perfect number of embryos.  I didn’t know what that would be.  I secretly had been hoping for a number four.  But I know that God doesn’t work that way.  In my human mind, the more blastocysts we have, the more insurance we have.  But God has His own mysterious way of working.  I was reading Psalm 139 and particularly verse 13.  It says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  God knitted us a long time ago.  He had planned and knitted my baby a long time ago.  Verse 16: “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Who is to say that Kevin, the little embryo inside of me now, is not the one baby that God has planned for us a long time ago?  And who is to say that Lucy, the little frozen blastocyst, is not going to be the sibling for Kevin?  He saw my child’s unformed body and ordained all the days for him/her.  Like I said, God works in mysterious way that we don’t always understand.  Kevin could be that child.  Lucy could be that child.  I myself am trying really hard to wrap my mind around it.  Maybe this is God’s way of telling us that those two embryos are enough for you.  You don’t need more, and you don’t have to look further.  And if this works out, we don’t have to worry about donating our unused embryos.

I really don’t know which way it will go.  But I am trying really hard to trust.

I also have my weak moments.  Later in the afternoon, Bob was showing me a funny video of one of my favorite kiddos taking a flu shot.  She was so brave.  I had watched that video quite a few times already.  However, yesterday afternoon, something triggered in me.  Watching her being brave and smiling after the flu shot, I suddenly started crying.  All I was thinking that was I want one of those myself.  I want to document my child’s happy, sad, triumphant, and naughty moments.  I want to share in the joy of parenting, figuring things out ourselves, fail and be successful together as parents.  I don’t know why, but the fact that 1) Kevin was an early blastocyst who was probably only a little bit more advanced than the other early blastocysts in the bunch, and 2) the other early blastocysts except for Lucy did not make it make me deduce that maybe Kevin is not strong enough in my uterus either.  Maybe if Kevin was left there to be grown to day six, he wouldn’t grow either.  Maybe Kevin was not chromosomally normal.  Maybe maybe maybe.  See how my human mind works?  I try to embrace Kevin, but I sometimes feel that this may not work.  And then I worry that if Lucy doesn’t work either, then we’ll have to go back to choosing a donor again.  My mind is messed up.

Fortunately, my mind is not messed up all the time.  I talk to Kevin all the time.  I imagine the embryo finding a cozy spot in my uterus to land.  I imagine Kevin attaching to my uterus.  I imagine Kevin growing and growing and growing.  I imagine it to be strong.  I imagine it to become a little baby that would grow inside me.  I am really trying my best to trust that this embryo is going to become my baby.  I ask God to protect it, nourish it, and keep it nice and safe inside of me.

Bob is like me as well.  He also vacillates between being hopeful and feeling doomed.  Last night right before we went to my brother’s house for our thanksgiving dinner, Bob became utterly frustrated and angry with God that we didn’t have more embryos and that we had already spent so much money and ended up with less than stellar performance with frozen donor eggs.  It hurt him to see me be sad and cry in the afternoon.  And it took him four hours to process that and become angry.  But then, we also should not dismiss what Kevin can do here.  Kevin can still be alive and well and thriving.  Bob went to bed last night telling Kevin to stay put and grow.  This morning he woke up telling Kevin to be cozy and snuggle up inside mommy.

The two week wait is very tough.  I don’t feel anything physically.  I know that I am not supposed to feel anything physically.  Today is two days past.  We still have ten more days to go.  I know regardless of how I feel, these days will pass.  So I will continue to pray for God to sustain this life that is inside me, for it to attach, to grow, to be well nourished.

And welcome Lucy!  We love you and Kevin already.