Annoyances

What is more annoying than not getting a positive OPK for many days?  Finally getting a positive OPK but ovulation is no where to be found.  

We have been diligently having our BD sessions everyday. Bob was sick over the weekend but he has been a very good sport.  He fell asleep early on Saturday night when he was suffering from a sore throat and high temperature and got knocked out by NyQuil.  Other than that one night, baby making has been high on our agenda.  I usually ovulate on CD 13.  However, I didn’t get a positive OPK until CD 16.  I was so excited that my poor husband could finally rest as positive OPK to me means just doing the deed for one more night and then temperature would usually rise in two mornings.  No such luck this time.  Temperature is still low today, which is CD 18.  I find it very very annoying.  I do want to get the show going and start my two week wait rather than wondering when an egg will pop.  Egg white cervical fluid came and went.  Cervix has been high and soft.  But… as you all may know, low temperature = no ovulation.  I know this is the cycle immediately after the our failed IVF #2.  So my body may be doing some wacky things.   All my calculations of the next cycle and when we should cycle in November if we choose to do a fresh one are offtrack.  You think that I should’ve learned by now that nothing is predictable or reliable when it comes to baby making.  

In other news, I have been feeling a tad nicer to people this week.  Then the following happened.  My infertile pregnant friend continues her extreme pregnancy sickness and extended rest at home from work.  Yup.  That’s the friend with the famous line of “Let nature take its course; It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  She continues to write me messages everyday.  I sometimes write back, sometimes don’t.  The other day, I chose to write back and engaged in this exchange with her:

Her:  By the way, heard ICSI works.  Have you guys looked into it?

Me: (Cue eye rolling and suppressing my urge to say something mean and sarcastic) It’s just a part of IVF.  We’ve done it.

She then asked me a bunch of questions about our IVF cycles, which I answered.  Then…

Her:  As long as you are still producing eggs, it is still hopeful that there will be success.  Just be persistent.

Me: (Cue major eye rolling) …………

I chose to NOT respond to that.  First of all, I don’t know why she felt an urge to make IVF suggestions to me.  Anyone who has already done a round or two of IVF probably has the knowledge of what each procedure does and how each one helps.  I know that not all would do ICSI but most likely would have looked into it.  Does she assume that I didn’t do my research?  What does it mean that by “heard ICSI works”?  Who did she hear it from and who did it work for?  I reject anything so generic and one-size-fits-all.  I know she might have meant well but the effect of it was totally opposite of what she intended.  I am not as quick as my hubby when it comes to responding to such a comment with a good comeback.  When I told him what she suggested, he said, “I heard sex works too”.  Heehee.  

And don’t even get me started on part two of her advice.  Just be persistent?  Hm…  I don’t know what part of my life is not being persistent when it comes to trying to have a take home baby.  Is it the drive of at least an hour each way five to six times during each IVF cycle to see my RE?  Or is it the daily injections of four to five vials of medications on my belly?  Or maybe it is the phone calls to the insurance company, pharmacies, and doctor’s office countless times to get the best out of the money that we pay?  Could it be the thousands of dollars that we have thrown into this route or the tens of thousands more that we will continue to drain?  Or maybe it’s the time, effort, and money that we put into acupuncture, Maya abdominal massage, or Chinese herbs.  I don’t know.  I sometimes just cannot stand someone who knows nothing about the struggles of having the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve and failing IVF cycles to give me advice about what I should or should not do.  

And then the chat got even better.  Many hours later, she typed:

“Have u ever had a slight cold during pregnancy?”

What the heck?  I have NEVER EVER gotten pregnant before.  Why the heck did she ask ME?

Then she realized that she typed in the wrong window and asked the wrong person.  But she did not apologize for asking the wrong question to the wrong person who might really mind her asking such a question.  She just said, “I’m trying to get rid of my stupid cough.”

Maybe I have become bitter and resentful towards this friend.  Bob thinks that I should just block her from gchat so she does not continue to make suggestions, give advice, or share her pregnancy annoyances with me intentionally or unintentionally.  I am really not the best person for her to share about her pregnancy ups and downs.  

I have been praying for a heart of love, openness and acceptance, one that is free of jealousy, annoyance, and self-pity.  I have to say that on some days it is a huge struggle.  I have to tell myself that it is okay to feel these things.  I am a work in progress.  I hope nobody is expecting me to be perfect and always nice and happy.  

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32 thoughts on “Annoyances

  1. OMG what is with people to come out with comments like that!? I’m so sorry hun, it’s such a slap in the face to what you’ve been going through. You are obviously showing incredible persistence and strength. You have every right to feel put out by comments like that. I wish there was more sensitivity out there in the world. So sorry you are enduring this xx

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  2. I think I’d probably ask her to stop talking to me about IVF/pregnancy all the time. Can’t she chat about other things if she feels like chatting?
    The line about how “ICSI works” is hilarious. I agree with your husband. Sex works for a lot of people. IVF works for some people. Nothing is magic– everyone’s outcome is different.
    I think anyone in your position would be annoyed by her. Don’t feel bad at all.

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  3. That is really annoying. people do that all the time to us infertiles and it angers me to no end. even now ppl make suggestions to me of how maybe now that my body “knows how” to get pregnant, i will naturally. oh yeah ppl! Sure! Forget the fact that my blood clotting disorder means i have to be on blood thinner from embryo transfer until the night before delivery. ill just take it forever! Okay? and forget that my husband has 0-4% morphology and his sperm can’t penetrate an egg even in a tiny petri dish without the help of icsi. forget that we already tried 4 and a half years. yeah now that my body “knows what its doing” all those other issues are small potatoes right? One thing i hate is false hope. and false hope givers get on my nervres majorly.

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  4. I think you should block her too… I think IVF and pregnancy would come up no matter if you ask her not to. Its a big part of your life right now and a big part of her’s as she is pregnant. Sometims our lives are much simpliar without certain people and their advice- or lack there of.. I love that your husband said “I heard sex works too.” It made me giggle. I would be over her too so I agree with don’t feel bad.. let her and her cough go off into the sunset and wish her the best.

    As always wishing you the best!

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  5. Oh man, I’m glad I read this post!. I’m pregnant now after two years of infertility, but this reminds me to always be sensitive to my “still in the trenches” friends. The last thing they want to hear about is my freaking nausea! Also, I hate, hate, hate, hate HATE when people say things like, “relax” and “nature will take it’s course” and blah blah blah. I took the fertility bull by the horns and did all kinds of shit to get where I am – 13 weeks pregnant – “nature taking it’s course” had nothing to do with it! I think before you block your friend you should write her an email really explaining how you feel. People are so ignorant! We need to educate them.

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    • Yes right? My friend did get pregnant naturally after trying for 4 years so she thinks that it’ll happen for anyone naturally. “Just be persistent”. Still trying to decide on the blocking part and the emailing part. We’ll see how she is in the near future with our communication.

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  6. Argh, I know the frustration of the elusive OPK positive and the stubborn temp that refuses to rise! I just wanted to say that sometimes temping can be inaccurate though. Now I am a diehard temper and I used to believe that people who said temping doesn’t work simply weren’t doing it right. But trust me, I’m doing it right, and the thermometer sometimes lies. Case in point: I had the exact same frustration as you this cycle, with my OPK refusing to go positive. I decided to schedule an ultrasound to see what was going on. Over the weekend, I did finally get the positive OPK and hubby and I did our thing. I had all the other signs of ovulation, so I felt pretty sure it happened. But then, like you, no temp rise. Well, I went to my RE appointment that Monday assuming I would hear it was an anovulatory cycle, but imagine my surprise when my RE said she saw the corpus luteum on my left ovary. We confirmed with a progesterone test, and yep, I ovulated. The temp rise finally came a few days later, at 3DPO. So all that is to say, you never know! You may well have ovulated despite what the temps say.

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    • Yeah I did read your post about O. So interesting. I know that sometimes the body reacts slowly to the rise in progesterone. I don’t know. I often suspects that I O a day earlier than temp rise. But I’ve never experienced 3 days of low temp after positive OPK. Cervix is back to being low. My RE told me to stop tracking and just let it be, and treat the day of positive OPK O day. HAHA. I don’t know how I can do that. To let go of the control of knowing when AF will come and when we can plan our next cycle.

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  7. I think that’s a friendship that I would slowly drift away from. Ugh.

    I had a weird cycle this month, too- temp has been up and down like a yo-yo. I’ve been convinced that I O’d at least 4 times, only to have my temp drop again. Chalking this one up as anovulatory. Sigh… sending love and support…

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    • Right? I was thinking along the same line too. I am even thinking I don’t want to go to her baby shower. I don’t know. Your body could be reacting to all the emotional and physical strains you’ve been experiencing. Anyhow, thanks always for your support. 🙂

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  8. Oh man. I did the same thing -praying for a more accepting and open heart. It did happen eventually, but the sting never truly went away.
    I’m not sure if you’ve tried this already but could you tell your friend how unhelpful her questions are? (in a nice way of course)

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    • You prayed about that too? I hope that it will happen to me one day. I haven’t told her much about how I feel. Maybe that’s why she continues to talk to me the way she’s been talking. It’s worth considering.

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  9. Sheesh. Some people just really don’t get it. She doesn’t need to offer advice or suggestions. She just needs to tell you that she’s there for you when you need to vent, and then say that she is really sorry all this is happening. That’s it. It’s easy. Sigh.

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  10. Oh my goodness! Please block this “friend” from your life! I think you are doing amazing dealing with her! You should not feel bad because I don’t think she is smart enough to be sensitive to what you are going through.

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    • Thanks Jennifer. If she continues to be this way, I probably will block her. And you’re right. She’s probably not sensitive enough plus she’s dealing with the difficulties of her own pregnancy.

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  11. As much as we all want to embrace an open heart and overlook the well-meaning-if-thoughtless comments people make, this ‘friend’ sounds totally self-absorbed, to be honest. I agree with commenters above; I would a) ask her to stop sharing her pregnancy with you and not to offer unsolicited ‘advice’ and b) place yourself some distance from her for as long as you need to in order to cope with her stupidity.

    I have to say, I laughed out loud at your husband’s response…sex works too. HIlarious!

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  12. Ugh. So sorry you have to deal with a wonky cycle…AND a clueless friend! My cycle after retrieval was definitely atypical. Hoping you figure yours out ( or maybe you already have…I’m so behind in my blog reading…)

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  13. OMG…”heard ICSI works”…hand slap to forehead. At least it was over a message, if it was in person, I knew I couldn’t keep a straight face. I also got a “keep trying” note of encouragement from my clueless fertile friend, and while I know she means well (and often doens’t know what to say) but there was just something especially hear someone who has no idea about what you’re going through is encouraging you. It’s hard to when you’re dealing with an infertile who has amnesia.

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  14. OK, sorry, but that “friend” would drive me CRAZY!! Agree with Jane, above — the ICSI comment is such a palm-to-face moment. Like, seriously? Your hubby’s reaction that apparently sex works too is just PERFECT. Maybe he should deal with her. 🙂 Or maybe you just let her know that you appreciate her concern but various things are making it difficult for you to accept her support and advice right now — so could she perhaps stick to non-fertility subjects of conversation? You can’t keep putting up with these platitudes, even if they are coming from a good place…

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