Uh… What do I need? I need time! I feel like I don’t have time to blog anymore ever since the Fall began. Dear Colleague saw me today and asked if I had nothing to say since she checked my blog and saw no new blog posts. I have a lot to say but I don’t have time to write my thoughts down. Since she asked, here I am blogging.
The biggest news is that Bob’s last day at his Big Corporation job is tomorrow! And tomorrow is our third anniversary of our engagement, which happened on 10/10/10. Three years have passed already and we have experienced so much as an engaged couple and married couple. I still love my engagement ring and the thoughts he had put in to purchasing the stone and the style. Anyhow, on Monday, he will start his brand new job. He has a choice of working from 9 to 5 or from 10 to 6. He will initially choose to work from 10 to 6 so that he can avoid most of the morning commute. I am very excited for him! He has been feeling excited but at the same time nervous. I think these feelings are totally understandable. I hope that his talents and skills will be recognized and put to great use at his new job.
Why is tomorrow his last day instead of Friday? Because we are going to attend my younger cousin’s wedding at the wine country on Friday! My cousin is actually going to get married at one of my favorite wineries in St. Helena. We were about to begin our fertility treatment when he announced his wedding date. My mind immediately began calculating the possibility of my pregnancy by that date, whether or not I’d be showing a bump, if I would need to wear a dress that would hide said bump, or whether we would need to announce the pregnancy before the wedding. Well, no worries right now. I am free to wear whatever dress I wish. It’s such a bummer. Anyhow, I am still looking forward to having a few days off. We will head to the wine country early on Friday and hang out. I have booked a vacation rental about half an hour away from the wedding site and will be sharing with my older brother’s family. This will be the first time Bro’s family and Bob spend time away. I am very excited about this opportunity for Bro and Bob to become closer friends. This job change has brought them closer together as Bro gave advice and listened to Bob’s concerns. I am hopeful that they will even be better friends after this trip. I have also booked onsite massages for Bob, SIL, and myself for Saturday. I cannot wait to have some chill time.
One thing that I dread about the wedding is seeing my relatives and the possibility of being asked about babies. How do I dodge the bullet? Maybe avoid talking to anybody. HAHA. Or maybe because they don’t see a baby or a baby bump two plus years after our wedding, they’d get the clue NOT to ask the question? I don’t know. I don’t know how well Chinese people behave when it comes to their own relatives’ fertility.
My temperature finally rose about four days after the positive OPK. However, the temperature has been hovering a bit over the cover line, for those who chart. All in all, I think this is a weak ovulation because of the crappy temperature. I have lost hope that we would miraculously get pregnant naturally this cycle. And I don’t know if I should count those days before the temperature shift as part of the luteal phase. I truly don’t know when my period will come this time. I guess it doesn’t matter. We still have not decided what our next step is. I have been taking a break from therapy and treatment for fertility so I have not gone back to Dr. K, my acupuncturist. We have been emailing each other for updates though. Last week she emailed me and told me to call her. She had completed a cycle with Dr. Y down in SoCal at the clinic at which I am considering doing mini IVF and natural IVF. She wanted to give me her first-hand insight of Dr. Y and the clinic. I have already heard of the clinic’s services going down hill for out of town patients. My conversation with her totally confirmed that. She said that the instructions for her cycle were given at various times by various nurses and they were chaotic. She wasn’t asked if she knew how to do the injections. She was given the order of injections. Good thing she had done IVF before so she knew how to do them. When she had a question, she would be put on Dr. Y’s call-list and he sometimes wouldn’t call until very late at night. Due to poor response the first cycle, she had to do a stimms the second month. The blastocysts from that cycle were frozen. She then had to return for her frozen embryo transfers in two consecutive months which resulted in BFNs for both. In those four months that she dealt with the clinic, she only spoke to Dr. Y four times. When she arrived in SoCal for the egg retrieval, she was shocked to find that Dr. Y wasn’t even the one who performed the retrieval. It was some random doctor that she had never talked to or met before. The one thing that totally turned her off was that Dr. Y didn’t seem to care who she was. She was just a number. One of the women seeking help from his clinic. Dr. K and Dr. Y have mutual patients. Dr. Y knew that. If Dr. K had that impression that he couldn’t care less even with the knowledge that Dr. K is also a practitioner, how would he treat me? Dr. K’s conclusion is that, if I can, stick with Dr. E because I’d never find a doctor who would give me the level of care I’ve been getting.
That was a long explanation of why we haven’t made up our mind as to what the next step is. With our savings, we can see Dr. E for three more cycles that we would pay out of pocket. After that, I don’t know what we will do. With Dr. Y, we can do nine mini IVF cycles or natural cycles even with his recent price hike. I am torn. What if nothing results from the cycles with Dr. E? Then I begin to pray for God to give me a clear direction and take away my fear, because fears do not come from Him. If God leads us to one direction, God will see us through. I just wish that I always have that faith about God and what He intends to do in my life with His plans.
My infertile pregnant friend continues to write me daily messages. I have not had the guts or energy to write her an email telling her off. So she continues her way. She finally declared that she would go back to work on Monday. I was so happy because that would mean that she won’t have time to write me online messages as her job is demanding. The other day she wrote me and said, “By the way, do not give up! My mom’s cousin’s wife did a few rounds and she finally gave birth this past weekend.” I said, “You know, giving up is the last thing that I’d do.” Then she said, “Good. I’m hopeful that you can do it.” Really, I know she means well, but she does rub me the wrong way sometimes.
I shared with another friend of mine over lunch of our IVF journey. I debated whether I should share or not. I eventually decided that I would, since it has been a big part in our lives. This friend is 40 years old and not married. She has already given up on having kids in her life. So after I shared with her, she asked two questions. The first one was if we had considered or would consider adoption. My answer was, Yes. Then I asked her, “Do you know how much adoption would cost?” I told her the figure. Then she said, “It seems like doing IVF would cost as much, right?” Well, I wasn’t going to go into details about the differences and the hardships for both and all that. The second question hits home a little bit harder. She asked if I had ever thought about the possibility of not having a normal pregnancy or having a special needs child at this age. What I said was, “Even younger people have a chance of having children with birth defects.” Do we stop living life and living out our dreams because we fear that there is a possibility of having babies with health concerns? I don’t know. I wasn’t particularly bugged by either question but I am just amazed at how quickly people come to conclusions about other people’s fertility. I wonder what she would fall off her chair if I had shared with her my thoughts on donor egg and donor embryos.
Anyhow, this is it for an update. I would let you know how everything goes at the wedding and if I would get bombarded with questions about babies.