MicroblogMondays: Unexpected Trigger

Microblog_Mondays

I was at my nephew’s graduation.  Watching all the 8th graders walk into the hall and listening to that familiar “Pomp and Circumstance Graduation Walking March”, I started to tear up a little.  I was surprised by my emotions.  For sure I am proud of my nephew, who received a few awards including one that was given to one boy and one girl who were elected by their 8th grade classmates for being the nicest and most helpful throughout the year.  But I suspect that my emotions were much more complicated than the pride I had for my 14-year-old nephew.  Next to me was this couple, who looked full of joy and pride for their son.  One of the segments of the evening was for the graduates to walk to their parents and hand them flowers and a thank you card.  Being next to that couple, I could see the large-sized hand-made thank you card that read more like a letter.  Their son practically wrote them a love letter.  The mom was wiping her tears while taking in all the little words that filled the whole card.  Watching her, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of loss.  Do I ever get to experience this joy of seeing my own child become a successful young man?  The earliest that could happen would be when I am in my mid-50s.  That feels really far away from now.  I mourn the loss of what could’ve been, where life could’ve taken me on a different path.  What if I met Bob earlier?  Married earlier?  Had no problems conceiving?  Then being at my child’s 8th grade graduation would not feel so far-fetched at this moment.  A sense of loss, unfairness, envy, jealousy, fear, etc.  These are feelings that I would usually have when I see a pregnant lady or a mom with young babies.  I never would have expected myself to experience them at a middle school graduation.  I was very surprised.  I did actually shed a few tears there.  It goes to tell you that triggers are everywhere and sometimes happen at unexpected times and in unexpected places.

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12 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Unexpected Trigger

  1. One of my hs friends had an “ooops” baby at 35 and she would complain about how she was so old and wasn’t even trying….and she’d sorta gotten into this scripted litany of complaints about it, when I stopped her and asked her if she would mind not talking it anymore. (nevermind that I went through the pregnancy with her and was supportive and her son was nearly 4 at this point)
    “Why?” she asked.
    “Because if you keep talking about this, I’m going to cry.” although I was crying already.
    I’d been trying for years and I would have done anything and complained about nothing to have the gift that she was given freely. That same year, other hs friends had children graduated college. All I ever wanted was children, why not me?

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  2. It always amazes me when the emotions of everything we’ve been through hit’s me. The worst moments are always the one’s I’m unprepared for, somehow they cut just a little bit deeper. Sending you love my friend.

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  3. I have been thinking a lot about complaining. I am so overwhelmed that I have no room for others complaints about their healthy, happy children. I’m guessing I do the same thing to different communities without realizing it and I am trying to use that slight awareness to help me have grace with those around me. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t. Good for you for speaking your truth to your friend AND for making it through the graduation.

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  4. Aw, I’m sorry, that sounds hard. You are right more than pregnancy or babies can be a trigger, there are also all the “life passage” rites. But your life and all your moments, now and future, are also precious.

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  5. This is such a moving post, and demonstrates (as if we didn’t already know) how much you want to be a parent as opposed to some people who just want a cuddly nice-smelling baby to dress up. I truly believe someday you’ll be at your own 8th grader’s graduation…and prom…and college graduation…and wedding. You see where I’m going with this. You’re so determined, you WILL be a parent someday, somehow.

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  6. Oh I get this. It was never the baby for me, but the child, the person they would grow into, and the relationship we would have. Sending hugs – these ouch moments are never easy.

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  7. We all have regrets in how we’ve lived our lives. I think whichever struggle we’re in the midst of amplifies particular choices. But looking back with regret doesn’t fix anything and in the end, will make you bitter and angry.

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