I was lying in bed this morning trying to wake up. It suddenly dawned on me that it is June 2nd. Two years ago on a Sunday, I gathered up enough courage to register on WordPress.com and started a blog.
And of course, when I got up, WordPress.com congratulated me on my achievement of being with them the last two years. It is a nice milestone. I went back and read what I wrote about my first anniversary last year. Looking at my words, there are some of the fundamental things that I still believe in. I still believe that God is in control. God comes through every single time. Last year I was in a better place with not being bitter. I was still full of hope. And this was the end of my blog post:
“And I hope that by then our little binky moongee will be growing inside me (of course without the binky yet) and will soon debut to the world. I am holding onto that hope. Maybe then the blog should be renamed “In Quest of Another Binky Moongee”.”
These words moved me to tears. Another year has gone by and I am no closer to that baby in my body. I have held onto the hope and the dream that have not been fulfilled. In fact, tomorrow is the day I am going to deal with this unanticipated problem in my uterus: removing scar tissue hopefully to get the green light to move onto an egg donation cycle. I am having a really tough time to deal with this emotionally. I wasn’t having as tough of a time before when I was banking embryo because 1) I knew and had accepted that my ovaries are crappy and 2) I knew that my fibroids on the uterine wall had already grown back but were not a big problem. My uterine lining was never a problem, so I held onto that belief that as long as I can find some good eggs, we can make normal embryos that can implant and become a baby. The discovery of this problem has made infertility so much tougher to deal with. I usually could deal with this kind of unexpected issue. However, recently, things at home have been very tense. The tension is related to pride, family living arrangement, self-image, work, finances, and of course, infertility. With the stress and tension at home, I am having a really difficult time coping with it all. Nothing stresses me out more than having tension at home. My shoulders are always up to my ears. I feel that I can’t even find a safe haven in my own home because I don’t know when things will explode. Focusing at work has become a challenge. Unfortunately, work has also been very busy. I need to force myself to take a deep breath and focus. In this infertility journey, I have experienced my share of ups and downs. However, I really don’t remember a time I am having such a difficult time. More often than not, I have these strong desires to go somewhere and hide from everything: from my husband, my work, my family, receiving more bad news, the surgery, and having to choose a donor and going through with a DE cycle.
Last year this time, I didn’t anticipate that life would be so tough. But it’s okay. I don’t know what the future holds. But I know that when you drop to the bottom of the pit, there is no where else to go. So I hope I don’t stay there for too long before climbing back up again.
Hopefully when I climb out of there, the view will be the best that I will ever see.