This Blog is Two Years Old

I was lying in bed this morning trying to wake up.  It suddenly dawned on me that it is June 2nd.  Two years ago on a Sunday, I gathered up enough courage to register on WordPress.com and started a blog.

And of course, when I got up, WordPress.com congratulated me on my achievement of being with them the last two years.  It is a nice milestone.  I went back and read what I wrote about my first anniversary last year.  Looking at my words, there are some of the fundamental things that I still believe in.  I still believe that God is in control.  God comes through every single time.  Last year I was in a better place with not being bitter.  I was still full of hope.  And this was the end of my blog post:

“And I hope that by then our little binky moongee will be growing inside me (of course without the binky yet) and will soon debut to the world.  I am holding onto that hope.  Maybe then the blog should be renamed “In Quest of Another Binky Moongee”.”

These words moved me to tears.  Another year has gone by and I am no closer to that baby in my body.  I have held onto the hope and the dream that have not been fulfilled.  In fact, tomorrow is the day I am going to deal with this unanticipated problem in my uterus: removing scar tissue hopefully to get the green light to move onto an egg donation cycle.  I am having a really tough time to deal with this emotionally.  I wasn’t having as tough of a time before when I was banking embryo because 1) I knew and had accepted that my ovaries are crappy and 2) I knew that my fibroids on the uterine wall had already grown back but were not a big problem.  My uterine lining was never a problem, so I held onto that belief that as long as I can find some good eggs, we can make normal embryos that can implant and become a baby.  The discovery of this problem has made infertility so much tougher to deal with.  I usually could deal with this kind of unexpected issue.  However, recently, things at home have been very tense.  The tension is related to pride, family living arrangement, self-image, work, finances, and of course, infertility.  With the stress and tension at home, I am having a really difficult time coping with it all.  Nothing stresses me out more than having tension at home.  My shoulders are always up to my ears.  I feel that I can’t even find a safe haven in my own home because I don’t know when things will explode.  Focusing at work has become a challenge.  Unfortunately, work has also been very busy.  I need to force myself to take a deep breath and focus.  In this infertility journey, I have experienced my share of ups and downs.  However, I really don’t remember a time I am having such a difficult time.  More often than not, I have these strong desires to go somewhere and hide from everything: from my husband, my work, my family, receiving more bad news, the surgery, and having to choose a donor and going through with a DE cycle.

Last year this time, I didn’t anticipate that life would be so tough.  But it’s okay.  I don’t know what the future holds.  But I know that when you drop to the bottom of the pit, there is no where else to go.  So I hope I don’t stay there for too long before climbing back up again.

Hopefully when I climb out of there, the view will be the best that I will ever see.

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12 thoughts on “This Blog is Two Years Old

  1. I’m so very sorry you’re in such a bad place. Yours was the very first blog I ever found and I can’t tell you how it helped me… I sat and read all your old posts and it was like a balm to my soul to find someone else who was going through what I was going through. I have always been struck by your grace in the face of hard times, coupled with your honesty. I hope this dark time passes soon and that you can feel more at peacexxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think making the decision to use a donor does mean you’re closer to the binky moongee than you were two years ago. Take stock of those strides 🙂 wishing good news for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The stress and difficulty has really been coming through in your blog the last few months. I really can’t believe it’s only been two years because it feels like I’ve been following you forever. In a good way of course. I was so drawn to your blog when I first found you. I and others have cried with you along the way. We’re all rooting for you! I really wish I could do something to help but living across the country makes even a simple hug impossible. So, virtual hugs for you from me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard year. Constant stress and disappointment can change our perspective on our lives and ourselves, make it hard to believe that circumstances can change and happiness be possible. But you have so much going for you: especially your character and faith. And that is important because those are two things that can only be given away by choice: nothing and no one can TAKE them from you. You also have strong relationships, though it sounds like they are rocky at the moment! I know things are going to get better. Keep going and keep blogging! and take care of yourself and those around you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I agree with A above that this post contains one mistake: you ARE closer to your baby than you were last year. You have chosen a donor. You’ve got surgery scheduled. You’re ready for a DE cycle as soon as possible. I’m sorry the past little while has been so hard for you. I hate the cliche that “it’s always darkest before the dawn” so let me just say instead that it won’t always be like this. Things will get better. In the meantime, that’s what we’re all here for. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is the type of anniversary I don’t like much… as much as you should be proud of this project which helps out a lot, I do wish you could drop this blog and start one on motherhood soon! Sending a big hug! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I know you’ve been having a hard time lately. I wish there was more we could do to ease your burden; it seems unfair that you have so much to carry all at once. I believe with all my being that this will work out and this will just be a hard season. You will get through this and it will be wonderful once you do.

    Liked by 1 person

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