About five months ago, I had a little conflict with my out-of-town friend Chloe because she had said some hurtful things to me when she learned that I wasn’t going to attend dinner with her and our other friends, including my pregnant friend Leanne. I love Leanne and usually wouldn’t mind seeing her, but I just couldn’t see her the week after I got my BFN for my last Own Egg cycle. Chloe and I have since mostly made up. I promised her that I would see her when she is in town in August. Here we are. The dinner has been planned for this coming Friday.
Originally when Chloe arranged for this dinner, she only asked me, Leanne, and another friend. We are the core group of people. Last week, she sent out a text to the three of us and then three more people regarding dinner. There were two phone numbers that I didn’t recognize. I really do hate it when she does this: inviting people that I don’t know. It makes it really hard to talk about anything. I can predict that there will not be much catching up, especially sitting next to people you don’t know. It defeats the purpose of getting together when you can’t even talk about your life.
I am friends with one of the extra girls that Chloe invited. Let’s call her Candace. She got married last year at age 38, so I was quite sure that she was going to try to have a baby. I haven’t seen her since her wedding. She texted back saying that she might or might not come to dinner because she lives and works two to three hours away from the restaurant, and would need to leave at 2pm to make it to dinner.
Well, Candace, who usually is not active on Fac.ebook, suddenly posted her baby shower photos. Baby shower photos! What? I was totally surprised and felt blindsided. Apparently she is due in October, and her coworkers threw her a surprise baby shower, so she had to post it. I don’t blame her for posting and announcing, but my first reaction was that I just wanted to hide from her and escape dinner. If our last transfer had succeeded, my due date would be October as well. If she comes to dinner, imagine this: I will have to hug her, say congratulations, and I am quite sure others will be oohing and ahhing over her bump, pregnancy, new life, etc etc. This is too much of a trigger for me. When I said yes to dinner, I didn’t sign up for a soiree with a pregnant woman. This is different from having dinner with Leanne. Candace and I aren’t close friends and we don’t necessarily have to get together. This is a situation I really didn’t have to subject myself to.
I went to bed feeling bugged. And I woke up feeling bugged. Bob told me that I should skip dinner and was a bit mad at me for torturing myself by still going. But I really can’t bail this time. If I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe, I better make it to dinner. So Bob’s question is, why do I want to maintain my friendship with Chloe? We really go way back. She and I went through a lot as friends. It is stupid for letting these things go between us. But it’s also very sad that I do not look forward to our dinner. Going to this dinner stresses me out. All this week I will have to work on getting myself mentally ready to spend two hours enduring the talk of pregnancy.
If Chloe had already known of Candace’s pregnancy and still invited her, I would be very mad at her. I guess I can’t expect her to understand how I would feel because I guess to her it has never been that big of a deal. Probably in her mind, I, as an infertile, just have to handle my emotions for the sake of friendship. To me, it’s almost asking for too much from her to give it a little thought about how I might feel sitting there staring at a seven-month baby bump and listening to pregnancy talk.
I don’t even think that it’s worth it to talk to Chloe about my feelings. After the conflict last time, I just feel that the divide between her and me is too wide when it comes to my point-of-view as an infertile person. So this is what I will do. I will just suck it up and go to the dinner, smile, say my congratulations, and pretend to be happy. I know that it doesn’t match my usual way of handling things: being honest and transparent. However, this time I just really feel that it is not worth it.
Or, maybe Candace will decide not to go. After all, it is probably no fun to sit through three hours of traffic while you are 7-month pregnant.
Either way, I think I will do fine. I just need to vent.
In Quest of a Binky Moongee 
I agree with Bob but can see your point. Why don’t you suggest the three of you meet for a drink before dinner to catch up and skip dinner? That way you have the best of both worlds. Ps– I personally would distance myself from someone like Chloe- she sounds either selfish or clueless. Either way not the nicest friend to have. Thinking of you whatever you decide to do.
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This is a really difficult situation, I feel for you. I agree with mamajo23 above – you need supportive friends around you at this time, and Chloe doesn’t seem to be like that. At the end of the day, its about protecting yourself and trying to limit your triggers as much as you can, but sadly the reality is that friends and people we know will fall pregnant around us – we can’t always avoid this. You do whatever feels right for you. A good friend will understand and you’ll feel better. I think it’s ok to be a bit selfish sometimes on this journey xx
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I agree with Mamajo23 and TryTryAgain. You’re going through enough right now without having to deal with someone insensitive and completely oblivious to tender feelings over a very hard life issue. If it’s triggering for you, DON’T GO. Call Leanne and let her know you’re not going and why (she sounds like she’ll totally get it) and then advise Chloe and let the chips fall where they may. if she is a true friend, she will understand and not hold it against you. Somehow, I get the impression she won’t and she will. Don’t be mean and hard on yourself……the world has that covered already! xo
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This would be really hard with such clueless friends. Maybe a little bit of vague honesty would make it a little better? I’d probably skip it though.
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I’m a skeptical person by nature, so I have a hard time believing that Chole didn’t know about Candace’s pregnancy. Willful blindness maybe? After going through everything with Leanne, it seems spiteful that she would go out of her way to invite another pregnant woman to your dinner. Pregnancy issues aside, it’s also weird when you’re wanting to reconnect with old friends, it doesn’t make sense to bring in new people
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Goodness. Go. Say Congratulations THEN SAY OUT LOUD “This is hard for me because my baby was due in Oct too and it died.” Let your friends cope with their emotions and maybe other women present will admit to having lost babies.
Losing babies needs to stop being a forbidden topic. It is real. It is painful all your life and telling the truth is ok and healing. Maybe telling the truth out loud in public will help more than just you and certainly changing the topic would be good.
But I am ‘old’ and tired of ignoring truth to be politically correct…. if I were really politically correct I should have to be a man in today’s society. In fact, propose that as a topic instead of pregnancy.
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That is one of my pet peeves: when I have plans with someone, and then they add additional people. Because it changes something. And in this case, it changes things in a big way. I’m sorry you’re going through that and hope Friday passes painlessly.
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Oh, I can see why you’d be disappointed about the change in invite list even if no-one was pregnant. It’s so hard to have a real conversation with someone when there is a big group! And then to find out that one of the additional people is pregnant, that’s such a bummer!
I do have to say, with all the past drama with your friend, if you really do want to maintain the relationship this might be one of those times were you do have to suck it up. Maybe there is a polite way to change the subject or run to the washroom if the baby talk becomes too much for you. I know it will be hard, but I also know you can do it! I hope it’s better then you expect.
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I feel like My Perfect Breakdown always has advice that makes us be better and be brave. I default to protecting myself and in fact spent most of my first IF years in hiding. I appreciate this perspective so much.
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Isabelle was brave when this happened last time, braver than I would have been. But still she’s in the same situation with the same friend. So now she can either set herself up for pain — because this friend only rolls with surprise pregnant wingmen, or she can protect herself.
After what that friend said, I doubt I would even be responding to texts, but it’s her call and her friend.
It’s OK not to be brave all the time.
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Ouch. I’m sorry. Chloe doesn’t seem to be paying a lot of attention to your needs. Catching up on intimate life developments like infertility with new people around? Right. I find this hard with friends that go way back – it’s hard to let go, but often our paths have diverged so much that there’s little common ground left. I hope that, one way or another, the meeting is okay.
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Vent away love. Chloe does sound like she needs a boot in the pants though. Don’t feel like you can’t say wtf did you invite x, best friends should cop that on the chin
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