After our disappointing scan on Wednesday, Bob and I were cuddling in bed at night chatting about the day. I made it through the day without crying about the lack of follicle growth. I closed my eyes when Bob said:
“Imagine in the future when we go to Hong Kong and your dad takes away our baby to show off to relatives and refuses to return the baby to us.”
I immediately had a vivid image in my head: my dad holding our baby who has a head full of black wavy hair, proudly showing baby off to friends with a big smile on his face.
My heart all of a sudden hurt a little. It ached for this image that felt so far from reality. I kept my eyes closed. Suddenly tears started coming down. Bob’s forehead was tenderly resting on mine. When he noticed that I was crying, he thought he had said something wrong. I reassured him that he didn’t say anything wrong. It was just the right time to shed some tears at that tender moment. Of the hope that this could become a reality when we push forward. Of the fear that it would never become a reality.
Bob just held me in his arms and both of us were silent. As I was feeling his warmth, I felt fortunate that he’s always here for me bearing the weight of the unknown with me and braving through these storms in our fertility journey.
Despite a disappointing cycle, I am still a very lucky woman to have a man who stands by me during the most difficult times.
*****
Yesterday’s scan on cycle day twelve showed very little follicle growth. I might have been over-suppressed by the estrogen I took before the cycle started. Three cycles of Clo.mid might have messed up my hormones. I didn’t cry and didn’t feel overly disappointed. I kind of expected this outcome. Jane is right. These are her wise words: “There are still so many positives; in just 2 cycles, you got 5 embies that were further and rated better than before.” It IS such a positive thing. Imagine not having those embryos. I don’t know the outcome of this cycle. But I know that I’ll get through it just like any other disappointing moments in this journey. We’ll get through it.
In Quest of a Binky Moongee 
Ah Isabelle–I’m sorry that this has been a disappointing cycle, but Jane is absolutely right. You have more now than you ever have and higher quality. Maybe your body just needed a break–it’s been doing so well for months in a row. Hang in there, and I’m sorry. Hugs.
LikeLike
I’m sorry this cycle isn’t turning out the way you want it to, but I fully believe it’s just your body saying “Hey-I did some pretty great stuff these last few months! I’m taking a break!” I feel like everything is heading in the right direction for you.
LikeLike
Sorry this cycle has been so disappointing. Such a sweet moment with bob. I’m glad you have such a supportive man.
LikeLike
Agree with everyone else that maybe this is just your body needing a little break after having done so well the past few months. I know that every second that there’s a delay feels like forever, but hopefully soon you can be putting all of the waiting behind you.
LikeLike
My Dear Isabelle,
I am so glad that you and Bob have each other… The strength of your connection will get you through this, and hopefully see you both exactly the way he described, with your arms full of gorgeous baby.
Thinking of you both during this tough cycle xxx
LikeLike
So sorry about the disappointing cycle. But glad that you and Bob are there for each other. I think sometimes couples/individuals can shut the difficult emotions out or hide them from each other. Things like anger, disappointment, fear. I know we did that at various points – trying to protect each other, usually. But those moments where you just let it out and are honest really make you stronger as a couple. Wishing that you ride this out and have much to celebrate together soon!!
LikeLike
I’m glad Bob is there for you, especially in these moments.
LikeLike
Sorry, Isabelle, I know it’s never easy. The biggest blessing I see in this post is your beautiful marriage. I am always full of hope for you!
LikeLike
I’m so sorry you got disappointing news. But when you’re finally holding that dark-haired child in your arms, it will seem like the blink of an eye and every moment of heartache will be worth those little eyes watching you, the tiny lips smiling at you, and the soft breaths when he/she calls you mama. 🙂 ok, now I’m crying at my sappiness
LikeLike
You’ll get through it together. He sounds like a wonderful partner.
LikeLike
I’m so sorry that things are not going as they should. Glad to hear that your husband is being supportive. Sending a big big hug. xx
LikeLike
What a tender moment indeed! So sweet! It even had me in tears. Sending you guys hugs and prayers for strength and peace. xo
LikeLike
Sending you a huge hug hon! I remember feeling the same way about the future, but knowing that anything was and is possible with my amazing husband by my side through it all too. I’m so glad you have such a wonderful and supportive husband. I’m so very sorry this cycle isn’t going well, but you are so much further ahead then you were and I’m still so hopeful for you that good things are coming in December and in the new year.
LikeLike