Speaking Up

I like to be in the background.  I don’t like attention.  And I also do not like conflicts or confrontation.  This means that I refrain from taking a stand when I see or hear things with which I don’t agree.  I often keep quiet when I hear something in a conversation.  I also refrain from commenting on Fac.ebook posts.

This friend of mine whom I met at church moved away to another state with her husband and two kids.  She is in her late 20s.  She did not have any difficulty conceiving her children. In fact, her pregnancy with her daughter was unplanned as she conceived the child within a couple of months of her son’s birth.  She and her husband have been working on an international adoption and have been matched with a child in another country.  In the last many months they have been trying to get all the process in place in order to bring this child home.  Sometimes she would post something that bugs me.  One time she said that when she sees a pregnancy announcement or birth announcement, she also wants to shout from the rooftop that she wants to make that announcement for her adopted child.  It’s been hard for me to relate to her desires because I don’t even have a biological child and she has two.  But who am I to judge?  I don’t have to empathize or relate to her.

The other day, she posted that she could check off one more thing on her list which was a 2 1/2 hour appointment for two standardized personality tests totaling hundreds of questions and a 30-minute interview.  That did not bug me.  What made me boil inside was the next sentence:

“Whew, what birth control it would be if the process of bringing home a bio(logical) kid was the same as adopted!”

Now that really upset me.  I wanted to tell her that, honey, there are many people in this world who have done way more than you have in your adoption process in order to have a biological child, and not being successful.  I was so tempted to comment with that but my personality is not one that would allow me to comfortably say something.  I know some people are very open about their struggles.  I applaud them for having the courage.  However, I am not ready to expose my struggles to the FB world.  Instead, I turned to my secret FB group ladies.  A few people said that I should write something.

Bob and I are the same in regards to confrontation and speaking your mind in a public forum like FB.  He was wise.  He told me to sleep on it and make a decision the next day.

I slept on it and felt strongly about saying something.  My friend M commented with this: “For some people, it is” #infertility

I thought that I could write something along the same line.  So this is what I decided to say:

“I can only imagine how tough it is.  So congrats on checking off one more thing.  For some, the process of bringing home a biological child is as tough.”

When I pressed “Enter”, I felt a sense of relief.  I wanted to say something to let her know that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns when one tries to conceive a biological child.

More importantly, I feel that I should speak up without being confrontational.  I have never even posted anything publicly about infertility on my FB page.  I know that my comment doesn’t say that I myself am struggling, but I feel that this is a good first step for me to be a little more open about it.  So taking this action is more for me that I felt I had to do it.

I checked back a couple of times.  The future adopted mom never responded to my comment.  Oh well.  I did it and I feel good.  That’s what counts in my book.


18 thoughts on “Speaking Up

  1. Good job Isabelle 🙂 I am the opposite of you and my hubby has to hold me back from speaking my mind…all too often 🙂 It BLOWS my mind that there are SO many women out there who have no idea how hard it is for some of us to have our own child. I am glad that you said something…proud of you girly!! xoxo


  2. I think it is good and healthy to bring awareness and attention to others, especially when they are so naive about an issue, but we must do it in a non rude or condescending way. I think you did an excellent job in making your point in a nice, respectable manner. EXCELLENT JOB girlie! xo


  3. I’m not sure if this is mature or immature of me, but I tend to un-friend or distance myself from those, such as this person, who say things that upset me. I realize this might not be the healthiest way of dealing, but for me, it’s easier to keep the negative people out of my life. I guess I’ve learned over the years that if they post something that ignorant, they obviously aren’t bright enough to understand my comeback comment. Which is why she didn’t respond to yours either. I’m sorry you had to experience that, but I’m proud of you for speaking up, regardless of the end result 🙂


  4. good for you. I think it is better sometimes to speak out – depends on the situation, of course. There are ways to do it without spilling all the details of one’s personal life – sounds like you found a good solution!


  5. Your comment was just perfect… You don’t owe anyone an explanation of what you’re going through, but sometimes it’s so hard to sit by and watch these glib people throw these comments around and not respond.
    So proud of you xxx


  6. Yes, yes and yes! It’s such a fine line between being non confrontational and educational and you navigated it brilliantly! I find when people post or say things that I interpret as insensitive, I feel the need to educate the speaker, so they learn and are aware in the future but I too struggle with how much to put myself out there and how to remain non confrontational. Your post here is inspiring!


  7. I’m glad you spoke your mind and felt better. You got your point across without being confrontational or defensive. Hopefully if more of us speak up like this then other people will think twice before they post stuff that could be hurtful.


  8. Good for you. It never hurts to educate others in a proper manner. I think you did a great thing bringing awareness to your friend. I hope she can understand as well. 💜


  9. I definitely think you did the right thing speaking up. And you did it so respectfully!! She obviously is happily oblivious to infertility just like everyone else who hasn’t experienced it. It is good to know that you spoke up without having to go into details or reveal your own struggle too much.


  10. That was a perfect response! I’m exactly the same… definitely avoid confrontation. I’d have found something like that difficult though because it would have made me SO mad, if I commented it probably would have been a bit defensive. She sounds like a very naive person so hopefully a couple of constructive comments will make her think twice about what she says in the future 🙂 x


  11. Well done! You did the right thing at the time and in the way that was right for you — without being righteous (which is just as important in my view but not always easy). I am so glad it still feels right to you now. Big pat on the back to you!


  12. I am so much like you about confrontation but sometimes you have to speak up, gently as you did. I try to think of it as them not knowing (I’d say being ignorant but many people get offended by that even if it’s true) and I can gently let them know what they don’t know. I’m sure I say things all the time that are ignorant or hurtful but I just don’t know, and I don’t know that I don’t know so I choose to treat others as if they are like me.
    I hope that made sense. It’s early and I’m still working on my first cup of coffee.


  13. Good for you for saying something! I know the entire adoption process can be long and stressful, but that comment is so thoughtless! Even though she didn’t reply to your comment, I’m sure it made her think a little bit.


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