I like to be in the background. I don’t like attention. And I also do not like conflicts or confrontation. This means that I refrain from taking a stand when I see or hear things with which I don’t agree. I often keep quiet when I hear something in a conversation. I also refrain from commenting on Fac.ebook posts.
This friend of mine whom I met at church moved away to another state with her husband and two kids. She is in her late 20s. She did not have any difficulty conceiving her children. In fact, her pregnancy with her daughter was unplanned as she conceived the child within a couple of months of her son’s birth. She and her husband have been working on an international adoption and have been matched with a child in another country. In the last many months they have been trying to get all the process in place in order to bring this child home. Sometimes she would post something that bugs me. One time she said that when she sees a pregnancy announcement or birth announcement, she also wants to shout from the rooftop that she wants to make that announcement for her adopted child. It’s been hard for me to relate to her desires because I don’t even have a biological child and she has two. But who am I to judge? I don’t have to empathize or relate to her.
The other day, she posted that she could check off one more thing on her list which was a 2 1/2 hour appointment for two standardized personality tests totaling hundreds of questions and a 30-minute interview. That did not bug me. What made me boil inside was the next sentence:
“Whew, what birth control it would be if the process of bringing home a bio(logical) kid was the same as adopted!”
Now that really upset me. I wanted to tell her that, honey, there are many people in this world who have done way more than you have in your adoption process in order to have a biological child, and not being successful. I was so tempted to comment with that but my personality is not one that would allow me to comfortably say something. I know some people are very open about their struggles. I applaud them for having the courage. However, I am not ready to expose my struggles to the FB world. Instead, I turned to my secret FB group ladies. A few people said that I should write something.
Bob and I are the same in regards to confrontation and speaking your mind in a public forum like FB. He was wise. He told me to sleep on it and make a decision the next day.
I slept on it and felt strongly about saying something. My friend M commented with this: “For some people, it is” #infertility
I thought that I could write something along the same line. So this is what I decided to say:
“I can only imagine how tough it is. So congrats on checking off one more thing. For some, the process of bringing home a biological child is as tough.”
When I pressed “Enter”, I felt a sense of relief. I wanted to say something to let her know that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns when one tries to conceive a biological child.
More importantly, I feel that I should speak up without being confrontational. I have never even posted anything publicly about infertility on my FB page. I know that my comment doesn’t say that I myself am struggling, but I feel that this is a good first step for me to be a little more open about it. So taking this action is more for me that I felt I had to do it.
I checked back a couple of times. The future adopted mom never responded to my comment. Oh well. I did it and I feel good. That’s what counts in my book.