After our disappointing scan on Wednesday, Bob and I were cuddling in bed at night chatting about the day. I made it through the day without crying about the lack of follicle growth. I closed my eyes when Bob said:
“Imagine in the future when we go to Hong Kong and your dad takes away our baby to show off to relatives and refuses to return the baby to us.”
I immediately had a vivid image in my head: my dad holding our baby who has a head full of black wavy hair, proudly showing baby off to friends with a big smile on his face.
My heart all of a sudden hurt a little. It ached for this image that felt so far from reality. I kept my eyes closed. Suddenly tears started coming down. Bob’s forehead was tenderly resting on mine. When he noticed that I was crying, he thought he had said something wrong. I reassured him that he didn’t say anything wrong. It was just the right time to shed some tears at that tender moment. Of the hope that this could become a reality when we push forward. Of the fear that it would never become a reality.
Bob just held me in his arms and both of us were silent. As I was feeling his warmth, I felt fortunate that he’s always here for me bearing the weight of the unknown with me and braving through these storms in our fertility journey.
Despite a disappointing cycle, I am still a very lucky woman to have a man who stands by me during the most difficult times.
Yesterday’s scan on cycle day twelve showed very little follicle growth. I might have been over-suppressed by the estrogen I took before the cycle started. Three cycles of Clo.mid might have messed up my hormones. I didn’t cry and didn’t feel overly disappointed. I kind of expected this outcome. Jane is right. These are her wise words: “There are still so many positives; in just 2 cycles, you got 5 embies that were further and rated better than before.” It IS such a positive thing. Imagine not having those embryos. I don’t know the outcome of this cycle. But I know that I’ll get through it just like any other disappointing moments in this journey. We’ll get through it.