A New Cycle, And Conversations

Phew!  No need to name any cysts this cycle.  There was none!

Antral follicle count: three on the left, one or two on the right.  We got the clear to start Cl.omid tonight!  I am quite pleased with the AFC since it gives us a chance to have a few follicles again.  I know how great our last cycle was.  Of course I would love to replicate it.  However, I know that these things are not a guarantee.  I have been praying for a perfect number of follicles, a perfect number of eggs, and a perfect number of embryos.  I am going to wait patiently for these numbers.  Next ultrasound to check on the follicles will be Monday, October 6th.  IVF #6, banking cycle #2.  Here we come!


I love my dad.  We have had a very good relationship since I was  a little girl.  He has many qualities that I would love to have myself.  My dad was born in China as the 4th child of a huge family.  He did not have a chance to have a formal education.  He started working at age six tending cattle.   At one point he also begged for money on the street.  He moved to Hong Kong with most of his family from China at age 11 and started working then.  When he was a teenager, he started to attend night classes while working a few jobs a day.  Despite not having a formal education, my father is one of the most intelligent men I have ever met.  He is also caring, patient, has a very open mind, and is a great problem solver.  We don’t have to talk much but every time we talk, I can pour my heart out and tell him anything I want to.  When we first experienced fertility problems, my dad was one of the first people that we told about considering IVF.  He is a trustworthy man who can really keep a secret.  When told not to tell my mom, he really kept everything to himself and never said a word about our treatment.  Although at one time, I got mad at him because he advised me to let nature take its course and not to force things.  I told him that he wouldn’t understand because he and mom never experienced any issues when they conceived my older brother and me in their 20s.  After that, my dad never said anything that would offend me about this process.  He supports us quietly.

Last week I chatted with him about our cycle.  I bragged to him about the savings for doing the egg retrieval without anesthesia.  I went on to tell him about all the mini cycles we intend to do for the next couple of months and how much each costs.  He listened to me quietly.  Then he asked, “How are you guys doing financially?  You must have to cut down on your expenses because of these cycles?”  I told him not to worry about it.  We have saved up money for these cycles.   We are also actively saving up for donor egg cycles.  Ever since Bob found a new job, saving up money is getting easier.

I love what my dad said next.  He said, “While you’re trying to save up for the baby, make sure that you guys set aside some money to enjoy life and each other.”  I was very touched by what he said.  He does not want us to pour every single penny we have into having a baby.  He wants us to live life.

I don’t know if you remember a fight Bob and I had a few months ago.  He wanted to put every single penny into our IVF fund.  He felt that we were not on the same page and was disappointed that I didn’t have the same intensity he had for saving up for IVF.  Even my therapist told me to tell him that it’s okay to spend some money to live life and not to focus everything (money or time) on the cycles.  When my conversation with my dad ended, I went down to the living room and sat next to Bob who was watching TV.  I told him I talked with dad.  And he had some advice for us.   Bob really respects my father.  So he paid full attention.  He listened to what I had to say and he seemed to take my dad’s words seriously.  I am grateful that my dad made such an advice and my husband is receptive to it.  Living life is important too, right?  My dad is wise.


My first serious job out of college was a research assistant at a university clinic.   I became very close friends with a few of the girls there at work.  We’ve been friends for the last 18 years.  They celebrated most of my birthdays in my 20s and early 30s.  They are like sisters to me.  In our mid-30s, the relationships started to drift apart for a little.  We no longer work with each other.  One of them, who was usually the one organizing get togethers, moved to another state.  Another one married her long-term boyfriend who cheated on her during their dating years.  This kind of put a strain on her relationship with us.  Nonetheless, I still consider them very good friends although I don’t see them as much anymore.

Both these friends were very fertile.  Chloe conceived her first the second month trying.  Then she conceived number two the first month she was off the pill.  Leanne, the one with the husband that we don’t really like, also got pregnant within the first couple of months.  When Bob and I first started trying, both of them dismissed my concerns of my fertility difficulty and laughed at me for charting and doing OPKs.  According to them, I shouldn’t be doing all these things.  Just have sex, relax, and it will happen.

Well, guess what?  Fast forward to two years nine months later, a baby has not happened.  They don’t make these insensitive remarks anymore.  Instead, they both feel sorry that I have such difficulty having a baby.  I don’t update them with all the details.  I just tell them all the big things, such as the transfer, the miscarriage, and just in general that we’re pursuing mini-IVF.

Chloe’s done with building her family as she has two kids.  Leanne’s husband is nine years older then she is and has a teenage daughter from his first marriage.  Leanne has always wanted number two but her husband often said no because he felt that he was old.  So I have never been worried about her announcing her pregnancy to me because I knew that she wouldn’t try unless he is on the same page.

This weekend Bob and I went to visit Leanne’s new house.  She moved from a two bedroom condo to a single family home by the coast.  I was surprised when we arrived.  It was practically a mansion.  It has a few huge rooms with a huge master bedroom and front and backyard.  It’s much much bigger than what they had before.  While we were all standing in the master bedroom admiring the vastness of it, Leanne broke the news to me that they are trying for number two.  I was very shocked as I never expected that her husband would’ve said yes to it.  Well apparently he didn’t want to try because of the small size of the previous home.  Now that this house is so much bigger, he feels that there is room for an extra baby.

I don’t yet know how I feel about it.  I never thought that I would even have to decide how to feel about it.  It had been quite safe with both of these friends in terms of pregnancy news as they were done by the time I started trying.

It’s such a mixed bag of emotions.  I love Leanne dearly and don’t want her to have to go through any sort of trouble with number two.  She is after all 38 years old and is five years older than when she had her first.  It could take a little longer for her this time.  However, I don’t want her to have an instant pregnancy either.  At least try for a few months?  I am conflicted.  I still have to process my feelings.

I know that her pregnancy will be none of my business because it’s not about me.  But I do secretly hope that I will get pregnant first so that at least I don’t have to endure another close friend’s pregnancy announcement while I am still waiting for my turn for my first baby.  Does that make sense?

The human mind is so messed up sometimes.


14 thoughts on “A New Cycle, And Conversations

  1. Fathers.. they make you cry don’t they? At least mine does, with his surprisingly gentle insight and generousity. I totally understand where you are coming from, both about dad and about close friends and their pregnancies. It never ceases to be bittersweet and a true test of how much grace you can maintain as a friend and person. Lovely, lovely post. Thank you, I really enjoyed reading this today, encapsulated so much of what I’ve been feeling.


  2. Oh I understand! I don’t know if you recall, but I had expected a BFP looooong before my friend “Myrtle’s” wedding this past April, but the wedding came and went, and I was not even a little bit pregnant. And she had said she would try *immediately* after the wedding. And she has been unintentionally pregnant several times (but aborted). So the thought of her getting pregnant before me drove me INSANE. Plus she said some ignorant things about infertility in-general, like “some people aren’t meant to have kids” and “just adopt”. So yeah, I just hoped (and yes, I prayed) that she would have to try for a few months at the very least. And to my knowledge, she’s still not pregnant. And yes, that is a relief. And no, I don’t feel bad for feeling this way since she is kind of a jerk. XOXO


  3. Your feelings are so normal. We really need our “safe” people to stay safe. Your dad sounds amazing! I like him. Usually it’s the mom but it sounds like your dad is the rock. I’m wishing you success with every fiber!!


  4. Yay for no cysts! My ultrasound is October 6th as well so I’m hoping that it is a wonderful day filled with only good news for all. I hear you about your friend, regardless of how much you love them, it’s always a bit of a gut punch to hear the news when you are’t expecting it. And then you feel guilty for not wanting it to happen right away, all of it is a roller coaster of emotion. Hoping that this cycle is as good or even better than the last one.


  5. Yes, that completely makes sense! I am like that too- always hoping I at least get pregnant before the fertile friend who just started trying. I so hope you get pregnant before her! That would be so wonderful and so much easier to deal with if she ends up pregnant!!!


  6. Pingback: MicroblogMondays: Crying Buckets | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

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