MicroblogMondays: Crying Buckets

Microblog_Mondays

A while ago, I wrote about a good friend of mine who announced that she’d try for a second child.  It was so unexpected to me because all along her husband had been adamant about no more children.  Her potential pregnancy has been in the back of my mind.  I have been thinking about how I’d react to her pregnancy, and I have considered how I wanted her to break the news to me.   I will see her and two other good friends for dinner next Tuesday.  The last thing I want her to do is to tell me in person or to call me on the phone.  I had a feeling that I had to write her an email before the I saw her in person.  This is part of my email to her:

“Last time when we came to visit you at your place, you shared with me that you were trying for number two.  I thank you for sharing that with me.  I have one request.  When you get pregnant, could you please give me a heads up with an email before you announce it in person?  I ask because I would love for you to get pregnant and would love to fully prepare myself to celebrate it with you.  Given our situation, an email will allow me time and space to process the news and get ready to celebrate with you.  I hope that this is not too much to ask.  “

I woke up the next morning at 5:30am to take my basal body temperature.  I checked my email and saw her response.  This is part of what she wrote to me:

“Great to hear from you!  Thanks so much for reaching out about this.  I appreciate very much knowing your preference on these issues and I want you to know that I completely respect your wishes and want to be as sensitive as possible about your situation.

I was planning to give you a call this weekend before the dinner to talk in advance, so I’m glad your email came first.  We are actually expecting now.  I was hoping to share this with you ahead of time – there is absolutely no need to celebrate at dinner or have that be part of our conversation.  I did email Chloe (note: another good friend of ours) just a few days ago to let her know the news and also to ask that we not talk about it at dinner.  While it is mostly good news, we are having some mixed prenatal screening results that mean that the baby potentially isn’t healthy and that I’m at risk for several things down the line in the pregnancy.  So in truth, I’m not celebrating just yet anyway.

How about if you let me know what works for you in terms of future discussions?  I have been thinking about you guys a lot…”

After I saw the email.  I was stunned.  While I expected her not to have any problems conceiving, I didn’t think that she’d conceive pretty much right away at age 38.  I thought that it’d at least take her a bit more than a few months.  The fact that she told me in late September about trying and is already pregnant in December shows how unfair this is.

At 5:30am, I broke into tears.  I lay back in bed and had this heart-wrenching cry that woke Bob up.  My pillow case was all wet from all the tears.  I was just feeling sorry for myself for once again facing a situation with a friend who conceived so easily.  I was also feeling sorry for her for having to worry about herself and her baby.  I just let myself feel and allow my emotions to flow because I don’t know any other way to get over this.  I am not going to stop being friends with her.  But I really needed that time to grieve watching others so easily achieve what we haven’t yet.  I needed time to process the news and be ready to say congratulations.  I didn’t write her back for whole two days.  And this is what I wrote:

“Thanks for being so sensitive about my needs.  It does usually take me a couple of days to process pregnancy news.  So I am so glad that we touched base before we meet up which allowed me time to digest everything.  I am so sorry that there aren’t all good news about this pregnancy.  It must be worrisome to know that the testing results with the baby are mixed, and there might be health complications for you.  I would like to know what is going on with you and the baby health wise.  Would you like to talk on the phone today or tomorrow some time?

Love you girl.  I want nothing but the best for you.  I hope that everything will be fine in the end.”

We haven’t had the time to talk yet so hopefully we can do that soon.  At least before our dinner.  Bob told me not to go to dinner but I refuse.  I don’t like avoidance behavior.  And I truly love her and my other friends.  I have mostly gotten over the news.  I just really needed the time to cry.  I thought that I wouldn’t be reacting so strongly and be so sad, but this is one of my closest friends so the news really hit me hard.  It hurts so much.  I am so glad that I wrote her an email ahead of time.  Imagine her calling me out of the blue sharing her news. It would’ve been hard for me to respond sincerely without crying.  I hope that this pregnancy doesn’t change our friendship, and I truly hope that things will work out in the end for her.  I hope that I’d brave enough to talk with her without shedding any tears.

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32 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Crying Buckets

  1. Ugh, it is so easy for some… Big hugs. I went through that so many times and would get so upset that it happened immediately for other women my age. I’m glad she said no one had to talk about it at dinner but it’s still the pink elephant in the room. You are so strong to go see her. I hope it will be your turn soon.

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    • The conversation was actually fine without talking about anyone’s pregnancies. When there are four women, I am not worried about not having enough of other things to talk about. Thanks! I love my friend so seeing her was nice. And she’s not visibly pregnant yet. I hope you’re doing well with your little miracles!

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  2. I’m sorry this is added to the stress of everything else you’re going through right now–it’s a lot to handle (several months of cycling, researching donor eggs, the holidays & all the emotions they evoke). But you are always so graceful–your email was honest & heartfelt. I appreciate that your friend gave you a thoughtful response, that helps, but it doesn’t take away the pain and frustration. Cry it out. And remember, you’re on the path to your baby–one way or another–even when it feels far away and out of reach. XOXO

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    • Thanks girl! I wanted to be very honest with my friend, at the same time respectful. And I know that she truly loves me so I thought an honest email would be the best way to go. Without me telling her my preference, she could only guess what I wanted, right? You’re right that I am on my path to my baby. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂 Hope you’re well!

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  3. Going to dinners with obviously pregnant friends, hearing announcements and especially going to baby showers felt like more than I could handle at times, but I always made myself go and in retrospect I am glad I did.
    Many Many hugs.

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  4. Ugh- those situations are just so hard. You want to feel joy and hope for her but it is so hard with how much you are going through. I am glad you got a good cry. Keep in mind that this phase will pass- maybe not quickly enough but it will pass somehow and someway and will be glad you showed the grace you did.

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  5. Wow! You are so so amazingly strong! It is not fair how easily others conceive! I often can’t believe it! I admire how you emailed your friend and how well you handle this. It is a good example for me to try to follow. I hope that this all goes in a way that is easiest for you to deal with (if that’s possible). Regardless of if you cry when you talk with her or whatever, please remember how incredible you are, crying or not! Sending you a big hug and love your way! xoxo

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    • Thanks girl. I guess if I want to keep the friendship, I’ll have to let her know my preference, right? So I am glad that she’s responding so well to me as well. Thanks for the hug and love. 🙂

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  6. Ouch. I hear you. It totally sucks when you think “oh at least I know it won happen quickly” and then they get pregnant like a 16 year old. Hugs honey. Nothing makes it easier but you are handling it well.

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    • Yup! I totally thought that it wouldn’t happen so quickly since she’s a few years older than when she had her first child. I guess when you’re fertile, you’re fertile. Thanks so much for the comment and the hugs. 🙂

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  7. I had a close friend who was pregnant with her second child and was waiting to tell me until I was alone with her at her place. A co-worker ended up blurting it out beforehand (despite knowing that my friend wanted to tell me herself) and my totally uncontrollable response was to burst into tears. My friend felt so awful (even though it wasn’t her fault) and I respected that she had wanted to let me know in private because she understood how painful it might be for me. It’s so wonderful to have friends that get it and yet it hurts so much too. Hugs to you.

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  8. It’s hard to hear. But you have a wonderful friend who heard you and kept your needs in mind. And you are being a wonderful friend too, worrying for her and stepping forward towards her. Deep breathe your way through this.

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  9. oh sugars! I am so sorry! Hearing of pregnancy news is always a little hard to process and we all need some time to deal with it privately. Praying for you, as well for her and the baby. Love ya hun! xo

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  10. Oh hon, any pregnancy announcement is so hard, but the ones that come so easily….oof. it’s just so hard to take. Sending so much strength, although you have plenty of that even if you don’t always feel like you do.
    A friend told me of her little sister’s pregnancy lay week and I still struggled with it…They tried for 1 month! The world is so unfair and hope so much you get your dream in 2015 xx

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  11. My heart goes out to you and your friend. I hear the depth and array of grief and longing in this post… I see and hear you and I wish I had some comfort to offer beyond the recognition. Sending peaceful and resilient thoughts your way.

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  12. Oh, sweets, I have been there. Having started TTC at 30 and still struggled so much, I understand why that announcement would sting! You were such a big girl about it, maybe better than I could have been, and that’s a credit to your big heart and good character 🙂

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    • Oh thank you so much for being so nice to me about it. I just felt that I could be honest with her, so that was how I did it. I don’t think I can be as honest with some other people in my life.

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  13. It’s such a good idea to.write to ask what you need and such a great response on her side. Despite the surprising announcement.. I haven’t been as lucky when asking for emailing.. (in)fertility is so unfair! Hope things between you two will be fine. Your friend seems worth the effort. Big hug!

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    • Oh I am so sorry that you haven’t been as lucky with your friends. I am very grateful for my friend for being so nice to me and responding so well. She is worth the effort! I hope you’re doing well!

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  14. I have had the same reaction to pregnancy announcements. When a (not super close) friend told me she was pregnant 3 months after my baby died, she told me in tears, worrying the news would change our friendship. She said she felt she needed to tell me, in person, before almost anyone else. It was awful- I hated my reaction and I hated that I was put on the spot. I soon told a good friend about the whole thing and asked that if she heard anyone was pregnant, to let them know I prefer not to be told in person- that maybe she could pass on the news, soI could have my initial reaction in private and process, so I could express joy when I saw them in person.

    I think you did a beautiful job in your email and the responses (my gosh! how did she get pregnant so darn quick!!).

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    • Yup I really hate pregnancy announcements in person. I mean, I appreciate it that they want to share with me ahead of time so that I won’t get the shock when they announce it to the whole world, but it’s almost like an ambush to us. You just can’t react the best way when you have an unexpected announcement face-to-face. I know some people prefer phone calls but I just can’t. I will need a few days to process the news and respond appropriately. Yes right how do people get pregnant so quickly??!

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  15. Pingback: MicroblogMondays: Friendships with Super Fertile People | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

  16. Pingback: MicroblogMondays: Dinner with Friends/Meeting the Newborn | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

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