Dead tired so I left work on time instead of staying for an extra 45 minutes. Still too tired to cook so I turned on the TV and watched a few minutes of news. And then there she was. My beloved Dr. E, the RE who had been through thick and thin with us during our first three IVF cycles and the one IVF-turned-IUI cycle. The RE that made personal phone calls to share all the good news and not so good news with us. The RE who had heard me cry and ask Why??? when we miscarried. The RE that I made a very difficult decision NOT to return to because of the cost of cycling with her. She is a regular guest on this local TV station during news time to talk about fertility issues. She looked different on TV: hair down and blow-dried, full make-up, nice dress suit instead of scrubs. Her voice was so familiar. Her smile was so genuine. Surprisingly, seeing her also triggered a lot of negative emotions of the past failed cycles. I firmly believe that my path is right: we made the right choice to go to her and we also made the right choice to break up with her and go to this new clinic. But I do mourn the loss of having her as my RE. I so wish that she would be the person who breaks the news to us with fantastic first and second beta results. I wish so much that she would be the one who would have the joy of finding the heartbeat for our first baby. It doesn’t seem like things will turn out this way. I sat there staring at her. Pondering about the what-ifs.