Remember my friend Anna? She actually never wrote me back after I emailed her several weeks ago about our pregnancy loss and my emotional state with her pregnancy. I had been waiting every single day and thinking that I must have offended her with my email. I thought about emailing her again, texting her, or even calling her. Then I decided to just wait to see if I would bump into her at church. Week after week I didn’t see her. Finally, this past Sunday, she was one of the first people I bumped into right when I walked into church. Her big pregnancy belly greeted me. Honestly, she looked good. Once she saw me, she apologized profusely for not writing me back. She said that she had been the most horrible friend. She thought about me often but did not write me back. I told her that it was okay. I was actually relieved that she wasn’t mad at me. I told her that I was worried that my email offended her. She reassured me that she wasn’t offended at all. So we proceeded to chat about her pregnancy and Bob’s job loss. Just a bit of catching up after not seeing each other for a couple of months.
I made a few observations about this encounter.
1) I was more worried about her being mad at me than anything else, so it was quite a relief to know that she wasn’t.
2) I was surprised by how big her belly already was at 19 weeks.
3) I was more surprised at my own reaction of hugging her and being with her; I was actually not repulsed by her presence. I was happy to be around her and I was not feeling like I wanted to flee or hide from her.
4) I was also not repulsed by her updates about her pregnancy and details of the discomfort that she has been experiencing.
Conclusion: The Lord is good. I have been praying and praying for my heart and the last thing I want to do is to distance myself from a close friend, one who had tried for a long time, because of her success. I want to be able to celebrate with her. In the most unexpected way, looking at her glow and seeing her growing body, instead of jealousy and bitterness, God allowed me to see the beauty of this friend and the miracle that is growing inside her. He is allowing me to see the importance of this friendship and allowing me to cherish it. I originally thought that I would have a difficult time being around her. After all, I had never been in this situation with a close friend who finally found success after trying for a long time. But, I am happy to report that we are making plans to get together before my overseas trip. So that means that I feel okay being with her.
I even told Bob that I think I can attend Anna’s baby shower in the future. I can’t tell you how big of a change this is for me. The Lord is changing my heart. I don’t even remember the last baby shower I attended. Let’s see how good I will be when the time comes.
I declare this a victory.
Yesterday was cycle day one. I am usually okay with AF’s arrival. However, this CD1 is not the same as other CD1 this year. My goal that I set for myself last Christmas was to have a baby in my arms by the end of 2014. I always have this deadline in my head that we would have to be pregnant by March in order to have a baby by Christmas. Not God’s plan. This time it hits harder. I was in a bad mood yesterday. All sorts of lies from the enemy came into my head. You’ll never have a baby. You’re wasting your time. You’re not meant to be a mom. It took a lot of prayers to get these thoughts out of my head. Satan. Go away.
Never underestimate the effect of a failed IVF cycle on a person’s emotional well-being. I for one have been surprised by how unwilling I am to think about the next steps. My head just needs that space to be IVF free. I am not even taking my prenatal vitamins or other supplements that were recommended by my RE. I have been praying for peace, strength, and wisdom for the next steps. I have also been praying for my motivation to think about the next cycle. So far not much motivation to speak of.
I declare this a failure.
One victory. Not bad at all.