MicroblogMondays: Sinking In

Microblog_Mondays

We find ourselves in this uncharted territory: we are expecting, for the first time, with very strong beta numbers.  We had dreamed of being in this position but never reached it.  Until now.  It is just so surreal.

I remember my dear friend A.’s words: Things don’t change until they change.  She said this to me in December when we ended the fifth year of our quest without a baby or pregnancy and this journey seemed to be never ending.  A few weeks later, everything changed.

I woke up the day after second beta feeling tremendously grateful for this pregnancy, for the life or lives that the Lord is sustaining inside Annie’s womb, and for Annie herself who has been nothing but a blessing to us.

Annie is so good.  She did her first prenatal workout the other day.  I have 100% confidence in her that she will do her best to take care of herself and this pregnancy.

I am allowing myself to dream a little dream, that maybe this is really the time that we get to bring a baby home.  On Friday, my heart was full and my stride was a bit bouncier and lighter.

I had some email exchanges with Dr. E on Friday and Saturday.  I told her that I was still soaking in my joy and disbelief.  I asked her for the record of the beta results, and which scans other than the 6.5 week appointment we should attend.

Dr. E’s response: “I love it!!  ‘Soaking in your joy’.  Life is good!  The next big scan will be at around 20 weeks to look at the anatomy of the babies.  That’s a great one to attend too.”

Babies?!?  I know that our betas were high.  But I ain’t too sure about “babies”.  And what about the NT scan at 12 to 13 weeks?

Her response: “You already did PGS.  You can skip the NT.  You can go if you want.  It’s just like the first scan.  Not much different.  Buuuut there are babies in there :)”

She seems to think that there are twins inside.  I am emotionally not quite there yet.  I am still at that stage where I am wavering between having confidence that we’ll see a heartbeat or two and the fear of a huge disappointment and devastation at the appointment.

The next day, I emailed Dr. E again to ask if 6 weeks 5 days would be a good time for an ultrasound, and if there are any other supplements she might recommend for Annie if she is indeed carrying twins.

Dr. E said that Annie doesn’t need anything right now other than all the support she can get to have a stress-free pregnancy.

She also said, “She is such a relaxed person at baseline.  We are really very lucky.  Stress is  one thing that is consistently linked to preterm birth.  Six weeks and five days is perfect.  No words to describe how excited I am for you.”

I just love Dr. E.

An ultrasound has been scheduled for 2/6 at 6 weeks 5 days.  Plane tickets have been purchased for both Bob and me to attend the appointment.  A week ago we wouldn’t have dreamed of doing all of this.

There are definitely many emotions to sort through.

We are in general super happy and feeling super fortunate to get to this point.  We celebrated with a deep-dish pizza dinner.

As requested, Annie bought a FRER and POAS’d just for my satisfaction of seeing a dark second line.  It felt really surreal to receive a picture of that FRER.  It was not my pee but it is SOOO my pee stick.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling of seeing a BFP that supposedly belongs to us but at the same time it is so far remote from our life here.

The long awaited BFP.  I thought I would be jumping up and down in joy, but instead I felt a little jealous that the life/lives are not growing inside of me.

And then, there is a question of how much to check in with Annie about feelings or symptoms without being overbearing.  I don’t want to ask her every single day how she is feeling, if she is feeling symptoms or tiredness, etc.  Bob asks me everyday how Annie is feeling.  I think he is gauging how pregnant she is on how sick she feels.  He is probably feeling even more far removed from it all because he does not usually contact her directly like I do.  It is even harder for him to navigate this new stage of how to care for our gestational carrier without going overboard.  It is a fine line to walk.

As this news is sinking in this weekend, I suddenly feel a sense of loss.  As much as I look forward to finally closing this chapter of our TTC life and moving on to hopefully becoming parents, I also feel this intense loss of not being able to carry my own child(ren).  I know that it is a process to grieve and mourn this loss, and I shouldn’t expect myself to get over it at this moment.  As I think about what Annie will be going through in the next many months, I feel sad that I am not the one who will have these precious moments with my husband.  Bob will not be the one who comes home and puts his hands on my tummy waiting for his baby to kick.  I will not be the one who would notice my belly growing bigger and bigger.  As much as surrogacy is such a gift and an amazing thing, we still mourn the loss of these moments.

This sense of loss was so strong last night that I lay in bed in the dark with tears soaking my ears wet.  In darkness, Bob held my hand and said, “It may be a good time for you to go talk to S.”  S is my therapist.  I am very thankful for my husband who is perceptive of my needs.  Today, I emailed S and scheduled an appointment for the Wednesday after our ultrasound.  I hope to have good news for her and at the same time have her help me navigate the complicated emotions involved in this process.

But then, sadness only appeared for a little.  At church yesterday, I let myself daydream a little about it finally being my time to leave my baby or babies at the nursery.

This is my reality: constantly moving from being ecstatic to sad to grieving to happiness to hoping for the future.

This news is so fresh and it still feels very surreal.  I just feel so blessed to be writing this post.  I hope that I will be able to keep on delivering good news for the next many months.  And hopefully as the news continues to sink in and the time goes by, I will feel more and more joyful and less of a need to mourn my loss.

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19 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Sinking In

  1. I speak Tamil and loved the explanation of the meaning of your blog title. I hope you and your husband get to hold the baby moongee or mongees soon. 🙂

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  2. So happy for you but I can imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be on. Take care of yourself and be gentle: it has been a long, long road and you deserve to experience this wonderful blessing fully, without fear (ha, I know, easier said than done). 🙂

    Congratulations to you!

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  3. I am so thrilled for you but you know I also understand those feelings of not being able to carry as well. It’s not easy but focusing on why you did this…to have your baby/ies in your arms..and not to be pregnant…you would rather be a Mom than be pregnant…if you focus on the outcome and getting your baby/ies here safe…that’s all that matters in the end. Love ya girly!!! And enjoy this exciting time!!!!!!! 💖

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  4. I can understand that you need to mourn the loss of not being able to carry your baby/babies yourself. Good idea to have a chat with your therapist. I hope that the scan will go really well and that will make it seem even more real! Sending lots of love your way!

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  5. I don’t have the experience of a surrogate, but I too have mourned some things after our successful FET – the fact that one baby not two showed on my six week scan despite transferring two embryos. As much as I prefer this outcome now, the emotions were a part of it. Or when we found out it’s a boy, I thought of the dresses and pony tails we wouldn’t do, even though I had zero gender preference. For me, these thoughts were always short lived and in the end I am super happy and grateful for the result as it is, with a baby due in April. I bet the mix of emotions is a normal part of the unique experience.
    Yay for baby/ies at the end of the journey!!

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  6. I’m so happy for you! I was able to carry my baby, but we used an egg donor after three failed IVFs. Actually, two egg donors, because the first… had poor egg quality, go figure. The thing I had to allow myself to do was feel whatever I was feeling at that moment, despite everyone’s pleas that I should be happy. I grieved. A lot. I cried a lot. I was feeling bad because I loved this baby more than anything on this earth and yet I was mourning the loss of my own genetic baby. And I mourned my whole pregnancy. It got easier as I progressed, but my daughter is 14 months and I wouldn’t trade her for all the genetic babies, but I do still have some grief. It’s something no one else can truly understand until they’ve been through it. So I’m praying for you, for your heart, and for your baby to keep pressing on, and for Annie for a healthy pregnancy. I don’t think you are bugging her by checking in everyday. I mean, it’s your baby. You’re essentially living through her, so no, I think if you want to check in everyday, I think you should.

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  7. So happy for you and fingers crossed. Tell Annie you would like to be right next to her for the whole next 9 months but know that would be invasive. THEN ask her what frequency level she is comfortable with now and to tell you if and how that changes as the weeks go by. Because it will.

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  8. Everyone is different of course – but for a frame of reference, my first beta with the twins was a 408 at 9dp5dt, and the second was in the 778 at 11dp5dt. The final at 18dp5dt was 8,273 :).

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  9. I love this: “This is my reality: constantly moving from being ecstatic to sad to grieving to happiness to hoping for the future.” I think it’s normal to grieve the loss of your own experience while so excited for the pregnancy that is developing your baby(ies). I can’t imagine what a fine line it must be to try to give Annie some space but also know everything that’s going on with the pregnancy — I’m sure you will strike a balance and learn as you go. Congratulations again, such great news!

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  10. It totally makes sense that you would feel happy and yet sad that you and Bob don’t get to experience the pregnancy first hand. Life is so complicated! I really hope the happiness outweighs the heartache. But one of the ironies of success is that sometimes the pain of all the years of trying becomes more noticeable, because you don’t have to be brace in the face of another failure again. I cried almost every day in the shower while pregnant: not because I was sad to be but because there was so much emotion to release.

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  11. Oh, this is lovely Microblog Monday news. Congratulations! Fingers crossed for a good 6 week scan for you. And at this stage, with so many confusing and complicated emotions, all you can do is feel them I guess.

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  12. There is so much joy and yet penetrating grief when we can’t have what we long for so much and our body fails us. I know the joy will increase as this pregnancy succeeds (and succeed it will!) but I’m so glad you’re owning your grief and seeking help to work through it. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  13. As an adoptive mom I understand your feelings of both pain and joy. I still mourn my inability to experience pregnancy, I don’t know that it won’t ever not make me sad to think about it. I love my children and I love being their mom and I wouldn’t want to not be their mom just so I can feel what it’s like to be pregnant – if that makes sense. I’m glad you were able to make an appointment with your therapist to work through these complex feelings, I’m sure it will help. So happy to hear things are going well with the pregnancy!

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  14. Sending hugely happy thoughts while you wrap your brain around this. It’s wonderfully messy: the best of life often comes with wins and losses. But cheering on this milestone.

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