MicroblogMondays: Five Weeks Five Days

Microblog_Mondays

Today, we have reached five weeks five days.  I get asked a lot about my feelings regarding where we are in this process.  It has been quite interesting to be the intended mother and not the person being pregnant.  I continue to struggle a little on the frequency of getting information from Annie about her feelings.  I ask her about once a day. Some days I don’t ask.  She has told me that she would tell me if she is feeling something other than good.  But I feel that I should still ask because I do care a lot about how she is feeling.  Last week, she was feeling good earlier in the week but on Thursday, she told me that she had been feeling tired and very grumpy for two days and was seeking prayers for grace and compassion.  I took her fatigue and grumpiness as a great sign but I felt bad for her that she wasn’t feeling good.  But like she said, I don’t have to feel bad because she signed herself up for it.  But it’s at times difficult that I am not the one feeling anything.

Last week throughout the week I woke up every morning feeling anxious about all the things that have been happening in this country with the new administration.  In disbelief, I wondered for the first time in my life if it was the right choice to bring children into this world.  The direction that this country is going has made me really nervous.  At the same time, I know that I have to put my complete trust in God’s sovereignty.  But the events that were unfolding in the last few days definitely made my feelings of having children via surrogacy even more complicated.

I received an email last week from our surrogacy agency and the paralegal for our attorney discussing about the first payment for Annie.  In the contract, it stated that a beta 20 days post 5 day transfer would be done and a payment would be made to our surrogate after confirmation of the continuation of the pregnancy.  However, since we weren’t going to do a beta and were going straight to the first ultrasound, our agency had asked the paralegal to send the first payment to our surrogate.  It made it a little bit uneasy for me to issue the payment without confirming the progress of the pregnancy.  Agency said that we could always have my RE order a 20 day beta (which happened to be yesterday, but it would be done today since yesterday was on the weekend).  My anxiety went way up once I saw the words “20 day beta”.  I did not want to have to see another beta number for this current pregnancy in my life.  I did not want to wait all day for the number and feel nervous about it.  I wrote Dr. E to ask her for advice.  This is what she said, “Pay her for it.  I don’t do 20 day beta.  Never heard of it before!  Everything will be fine.  Only reason to do it is if she has spotting or anything like that.”  So with that, I authorized for the paralegal to issue a check for Annie.

Annie is so great though.  She knew that I was a bit anxious about the pregnancy.  For my satisfaction, she bought two FRER and peed on one on 11 days post 5 day transfer, the day after our second beta.  It was pretty dark for that day.  Yesterday was 20 days post 5 day transfer.  I woke up to her message on my phone with an awesome picture of a FRER.  The test line was way darker than the control line.  It appeared that her hCG was so high that the test line had pulled the color from the control line.  It means that she is still very pregnant.  It is very reassuring to know that the pregnancy has progressed.  I try not to post anything that may be a trigger for others in this blog post.  If you go over to the left side of the blog, you will see a page for the pee stick images.

Time has been going kind of slowly as we wait for the first ultrasound.  At the same time, it has been very exciting for Bob and me to talk about the very good possibility of bringing home a baby or two in September.  I know we still have many months ahead of us, but I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I can’t wait to get to that point.

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7 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Five Weeks Five Days

  1. I know it’s hard to wrap your brain around bringing children into the world at this particular moment, but it’s actually a small, good thing: that life continues on and that babies are born and we keep refilling the world with kindness and innocence. Sending lots of good thoughts.

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  2. The wait for ultrasounds is excruciating- and I imagine, with a third party involved, you have even less of a sense of control. Not that anyone really has “control” anyway- feeling very hopeful for you and these FRER lines.

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  3. Happy that things seem to be going well! it must seem like an eternity to that first U/S. Particularly in first trimester, I can see certain advantages to having someone else experience pregnancy. 🙂 But I hear you on the strangeness of being the one expecting but not the one feeling things. Your feelings of trepidation about the future your children will face are common. Although I can imagine they may well be magnified having gone through multiple interventions to create this pregnancy. Speaking for myself, I feel a greater responsibility for things when I’ve exerted a greater amount of will (vs. being passive and hoping for the best/getting lucky). But none of us can see the future and while we should not mess up the world for our kids, they will approach its problems with fresh perspectives and skills that we probably can’t even imagine. I hope. As long as our cultural environment still encourages different perspectives. Make sure your kids read lots of books and play games that stimulate their brains. And meditate and learn self care. We are all going to need our wits.

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  4. I am so glad all is well and pee stick lines are very dark! I can understand not wanting another beta, just waiting for the ultrasound. Thinking of you as wait until that moment. Also, I agree with Mel — your child(ren) can be a beam of light in a dark world, a positive new happiness in the face of all this ugliness right now. That’s how I look at it (and I’ve had similar thoughts at dark points where I wonder where this is all going to lead us). So much love to you and your husband and Annie and whoever is coming to be in there!

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  5. Every generation has worries. My MIL told me they seriously debated whether to have kids because of everything going on in the late 70s and early 80s. And instead of the horrible direction they thought the world was going, they’ve had a wonderfully comfortable life! I think that’s a common worry for anyone debating parenthood. Not that we shouldn’t worry but I think we forget how resilient we are and how the human race has survived much worse.

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  6. Hi! I’ve been following/stalking your blog for a few years following your story. I’ve never commented, but the complete joy I felt for you and Bob upon hearing this news was more than I could hold in. I wish you and Bob and Annie the least stressful pregnancy imaginable.

    I’m a fertility pharmacist and love my job. Reading stories like yours puts into perspective the importance of my job. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and letting us in on this incredibly private, painful journey. I have learned so much and have a much greater respect and more empathy for the patients I treat on a daily basis. Thank you again.

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