Last week was such a rough week.
Because of our donor’s cocaine debacle, both of us were extremely distracted from work and from life. All the phone calls and emails with all the professionals, family, and friends were taxing our attention, time, and energy. One day everything was going smoothly. The next day, our life was turned upside down. So many doubts, fears, and worries surfaced. One person’s selfish act, lack of concerns for others, and lack of integrity wreaked havoc in our lives. We were exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. Extra courage and strength were desperately needed on those few days for us to function.
Amid the chaos, we see the love, beauty, goodness, and positive that were poured over us.
God is teaching us to hang on to the positive despite walking through the valley.
We see how truly beautiful our gestational carrier Annie is. That morning I called her to tell her about our decision to continue our donor egg cycle despite our donor’s breach of our trust and contract, Annie was so calm, gentle, and full of reassurance. She not only took care of me and my emotions that morning, but she also thought of taking care of Bob’s. That night, Bob came home and told me that Annie’s husband Kenneth called him on his way to work that evening just to chat. Bob didn’t recognize the phone number but saw that it was from Annie’s area, so he picked it up. For someone who usually doesn’t pick up unknown phone calls, that was definitely a divine intervention. Bob said that they had such a good chat about life, their work, family life, and a little about the donor’s choice. This 20-minute phone call with a brother in Christ reflects the thoughtfulness and caring nature of our gestational carrier and her life partner.
We are so blessed to have them in our lives.
And then, there was my friend Jo. She has been there every single step of the way in the last few years of our journey. She knows the ins and the outs of our struggles. The day I returned to work after taking a day off to take care of the mess that was caused by our donor’s positive drug screen was extremely busy with clients and a presentation. Jo was so sweet. She took care of me by ordering dinner and having it delivered to our house so that I could take a break from cooking. And bless my husband’s heart. He knew exactly what I had been craving so he clued Jo in on the type of food to order. The sushi that night was truly a treat after a few long days of emotional exhaustion.
And surprisingly, I don’t feel anger towards our donor anymore. Instead, my heart has been prompted to pray for her and for her salvation. This definitely is not my own doing. The Holy Spirit is once again doing something that is so unexpected but beautiful.
And then, we also see how God has sustained us through all this. After the decision was made to continue with the cycle, the peace that I have felt is unparalleled and is such a confirmation that this has been the path that aligns with God’s will. Although we don’t know how this cycle will turn out, I no longer have that gnawing pain in my heart. I am amazed at how quickly we bounced back from being at the bottom of the pit, but it is no coincidence or accident, and it is not our own ability or doing. Nothing that we did could take us to that place of peace. It is solely the Holy Spirit that took us to that space.
Later today we will know how many embryos are still in the running. Fear comes and goes in my heart, such as the possibility of the embryos growing poorly or not having any blastocysts to test. Fear is normal, but I have to remind myself that fear does not come from God. Seeing the positive that God places in our life helps us move away from the space of fear and worry.
Despite this path to our baby that has been lengthy and grueling, it is a blessing that we can cling to the God-given beauty and positive in life as we wait expectantly for our journey to unfold in front of our eyes.