MicroblogMondays: Slowly Moving Back to Equilibrium

It’s not news that I have been experiencing a very tough time in my life.  The failed hysteroscopy last Wednesday pushed my anxiety to a new height.  When I took a day off on Thursday, instead of resting or relaxing, I suddenly felt the urge to have some control and order in my life.  What did I do?  I picked up my Swi.ffer sweeper and did some serious cleaning.  After an hour of hard work, we had two very clean bathrooms, a spotless kitchen, and floors that you can lick.  You just can’t imagine the comfort a little order and cleanliness in our living area had brought to my life that day.  I was doing better and better.  Nevertheless, I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday feeling sad and abandoned by God.  In my head knowledge, I knew that it was silly to think that way.  However, it was hard not to feel bugged by the setbacks in this journey toward egg donation.  Such a simple procedure was almost guaranteed to be successful.  I often fall into the wrong end of the statistics.  I was also extremely anxious (and irrational about it) that the hysteroscopy under total sedation would not be covered by my insurance.  Again, I had the head knowledge that it is most likely a medical procedure rather than a fertility treatment.  However, my fear seemed to have taken over.  At work on Friday, I hid in my office rather than joining the rest of my coworkers for a combined going-away party and birthday party.  Emotionally, I just could not deal with smiling in front of everybody pretending that nothing was going wrong.  I just needed to protect myself.  And I chose to do so.  Saturday morning, I woke up in the middle of the night again, and again felt abandoned by God.  I prayed and prayed for the Lord to sustain me.  I fell back asleep and woke up feeling refreshed.  A walk in the park with Bob and my dad, finishing up housework, a nice lunch at home, a relaxing afternoon with Bob at the coffee shop, and a delicious hotpot dinner with the rest of the family actually helped me feel more normal.  My anxiety level about the cost of the surgery has gone down significantly.  I am happy to report that I was not feeling anxious at all when I woke up in the middle of the night on Sunday.  The peace we experienced at home the past few days has also helped swing me back on the path of normal.  I know that my emotions may go up and down again, especially when I need to find out about the cost of the surgery and meet with a surgical team doctor at Kai.ser next week.  But I will take what I can get.  It helps to know that good moments outnumber bad ones.   I am very grateful that I am currently experiencing peace and strength.  Thank you Lord for letting me know that You are always there, You always come through, and those bad moments in life will eventually pass.