Getting Used to This Space Of Uncertainty

My husband asked me last week, “Why don’t you schedule an appointment with S?”

S is my therapist.

My husband is lovely that way.  He knows what I need.  My therapist is my sounding board.  Whenever I encounter moments of struggles or difficult decision-making, a visit with her often clears my mind or untwines the knots in my overly analytical brain.

That was the day that I was feeling the most down and depressed. I inquired about a therapy session with her.  Unfortunately she was all booked at the times that were convenient to me.  Seeing her is important enough that I rearranged my work schedule so I could fit in a session in an early afternoon on a workday.

In the two years that she’s been my therapist,  this was the first time I sat down feeling like I didn’t know where to begin.  So much had happened since I last saw her.  I thought that things would be straight forward once we choose a donor and wait for a cycle to begin.  Nothing about this is straight forward.

It took the bulk of the session to fill her in about what had happened: finding the donor, questioning about the donor agency owner’s credibility, the misunderstanding of the donor’s availability, finally making a decision to book the donor, the change of FDA recommendation for travels for egg donors due to Zika virus, the growing fibroid, the cancellation of the biopsies for the endometrial receptivity array test, the possibility of needing an abdominal myomectomy to remove the fibroid, the timeline of the surgery (to avoid recovery while in-laws are in town), the possibility of delaying this cycle once again until September.  On and on and on.  I am tired just typing it out.

Bob and I do not create drama.  But it seems like drama comes to us.  This journey has not been straight forward for us.  The twists and turns sometimes make me wonder if this is God’s way of telling me to quit trying.

I had always been calm when I shared things with my therapist.  But this time, after I finished telling the whole story, tears finally came down.  I told her that I have been trying my best to cope, but still at times, I feel emotional and anxious.  I told her that I don’t like feeling anxious at all and I just wanted it to go away.

My therapist is wonderful.  She asked, “Why wouldn’t you cry?  It is highly emotional.”  She told me the following:

• I am a very methodical person.  I analyze things in a very systematic way.  Of course it makes me anxious that things are not going the way I want them to go.  Overanalyzing things makes a person anxious because of a sense of lack of control.
• Since having unknowns is my reality, she told me to learn to live in this space of uncertainty and to get used to it.  Accepting this will help me cope with my feelings and ease some anxiety because expecting it will make it less overwhelming for me.
• She said that being in the midst of it, I might not see it, but sitting across from me she sees a very resilient person.  Looking at our past of handling twists and turns in life, we know that we can handle them.  She told me to expect more twists and turns on this journey and to know that we can handle whatever that comes our way.
• She told me to not to worry about the donor right now.  Instead, focus my energy on healing my body from anything that could interfere with a pregnancy, such as the fibroid and the surgery.
• She told me not to focus my mind on my timeline or to worry about milestones or my age.
• Deep down I believe I will be a mother.  She told me to hold onto that, and not to forget to tell myself that I am doing everything I can to reach that goal.
• When I have anxiety or worrying thoughts, ask myself if they are useful.  If not, acknowledge these thoughts and let them go.
• People often look at signs to make sense of things.  Having twists and turns does not mean that I am not meant to be a mother.

At the end, she reminded me to take deep breaths, and that I am doing a great job with whatever that we are facing.

Emotional ups and downs are inevitable, but it brings me comfort to know my therapist is always there when I need help to sort through my feelings.

At least today, I feel that I can tackle anything that may come my way.  I will call that a win.