I have been trying to digest and accept the news we received last Thursday. Admittedly, I haven’t been doing a good job.
Since that day, I woke up every morning confused about where I was and when it was. Once I realized that it was Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday, and that our quest for a baby is once again going to be delayed, sadness overcame me. This sadness has been intermittent. Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes my heart hurts.
This four-year journey has been so tough for us. Even before we started to try for a baby, an abdominal myomectomy was necessary to remove over 50 tiny fibroids from my uterine wall. They were not in the cavity but the sheer number and volume of them pushed on the uterus and altered its shape. Recovery time for this open surgery was six weeks off work and three menstrual cycles before we were advised to start trying for a baby right away. My FSH was elevated already. I knew that we should try quickly before the fibroids grow back. Well, we all know how that has been going. Despite how much we want to get pregnant, it just hasn’t happened for us. We watch people who try with their own eggs and donor eggs get pregnant one by one. We miss the train every single time.
In the meantime, a new fibroid has been growing in the back of my uterus. A couple of years back, it was much smaller. In the last few transfers, nobody had ever said anything about it interfering with implantation or pregnancy. I felt fortunate that no one had told us that we had to remove it. Until last Thursday.
I have been trying to avoid another surgery at all cost. Being cut up and recovering from it is not easy. Plus I just don’t want to weaken my abdominal wall any further. I know plenty of people have two or three abdominal surgeries but I didn’t want to be one of them. I didn’t want another surgery to delay any fresh cycles or transfers. But, as we have learned time and time again, it is not in our control.
All of a sudden, I am worried about things that may or may not happen. Of course we want things to go smoothly and according to our timing. But our history shows that things don’t often go the way we want. I am worried that the surgery would be scheduled at the time my in-laws are in town. My surgeon told me that after the surgical consultation (on 4/20) it takes about a month or two to schedule the surgery, and I’ll have to be off work for two weeks. Can you imagine being home with my in-laws while I am trying to recover? I so desperately want the surgery to be around the time my own mother is still in town. I am also worried that somehow my donor has traveled to an area infected by Zika virus and my clinic deems her ineligible to donate until a much later time. I feel that somehow with our “luck”, bad things that are unlikely to happen will happen. And, my biggest worry is that after doing the surgery and spending all the money, we still won’t have a child we can call our own.
Sometimes I just want to hide in a hole and quit it all.
Irrational. I know. But these are real fears and worries. I usually try to deal with worries by taking it one day at a time. But this time I just can’t seem to focus on the positive . My brain these few days is filled with these worries that I can’t seem to shake. We skipped Easter breakfast at church because I didn’t want to deal with people. I avoided meet and greet time. I didn’t want to have anything to do with babies. Seeing all the matching outfits of kids and families of two, three, or four kids, I was once again reminded of the void in our life. Bob was amazing though. Being a helper at the nursery today, holding all the babies gave him the resolve to become a father of his own child in the future.
I continue to pray for peace. After having peace on Thursday, I don’t seem to have it these past few days. I know it’s up to God to answer my prayer. I desperately want God to take away these worries and give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. But again, I can ask but this too is out of my control.
Fortunately, although I am a mess this time, Bob is not fazed by any of these potential problems. He has been my voice of positivity, logic, and rational thoughts. He consoles me and tells me that it’s okay for me to feel sad, but he doesn’t want me to stay there for too long. He acknowledges my fears, but is also firm in his beliefs that although our timeline is delayed once again, we will eventually move forward with the next cycle with a uterus that is healed. He believes that the donor will be fine and will give us the embryos that we need. He believes that I will get pregnant and we will be parents in 2017.
His unwavering belief is exactly what I need. I am grateful that one of us is doing well. Our patience is once again tested. I hope that soon I will get over this sadness and this state of worries so I can be back to being calm, happy, at peace, and patient again.
And I hope that none of my worries comes true.