MicroblogMondays: Dealing With Worries And Sadness

Microblog_Mondays

I have been trying to digest and accept the news we received last Thursday.  Admittedly, I haven’t been doing a good job.

Since that day, I woke up every morning confused about where I was and when it was.  Once I realized that it was Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday, and that our quest for a baby is once again going to be delayed, sadness overcame me.  This sadness has been intermittent.  Sometimes I feel fine.  Sometimes my heart hurts.

This four-year journey has been so tough for us.  Even before we started to try for a baby, an abdominal myomectomy was necessary to remove over 50 tiny fibroids from my uterine wall.  They were not in the cavity but the sheer number and volume of them pushed on the uterus and altered its shape.  Recovery time for this open surgery was six weeks off work and three menstrual cycles before we were advised to start trying for a baby right away.  My FSH was elevated already.  I knew that we should try quickly before the fibroids grow back.  Well, we all know how that has been going.  Despite how much we want to get pregnant, it just hasn’t happened for us.  We watch people who try with their own eggs and donor eggs get pregnant one by one.  We miss the train every single time.

In the meantime, a new fibroid has been growing in the back of my uterus.  A couple of years back, it was much smaller.  In the last few transfers, nobody had ever said anything about it interfering with implantation or pregnancy.  I felt fortunate that no one had told us that we had to remove it.  Until last Thursday.

I have been trying to avoid another surgery at all cost.  Being cut up and recovering from it is not easy.  Plus I just don’t want to weaken my abdominal wall any further.  I know plenty of people have two or three abdominal surgeries but I didn’t want to be one of them.  I didn’t want another surgery to delay any fresh cycles or transfers.  But, as we have learned time and time again, it is not in our control.

All of a sudden, I am worried about things that may or may not happen.  Of course we want things to go smoothly and according to our timing.  But our history shows that things don’t often go the way we want.  I am worried that the surgery would be scheduled at the time my in-laws are in town.  My surgeon told me that after the surgical consultation (on 4/20) it takes about a month or two to schedule the surgery, and I’ll have to be off work for two weeks.  Can you imagine being home with my in-laws while I am trying to recover?  I so desperately want the surgery to be around the time my own mother is still in town.  I am also worried that somehow my donor has traveled to an area infected by Zika virus and my clinic deems her ineligible to donate until a much later time.  I feel that somehow with our “luck”, bad things that are unlikely to happen will happen.  And, my biggest worry is that after doing the surgery and spending all the money, we still won’t have a child we can call our own.

Sometimes I just want to hide in a hole and quit it all.

Irrational.  I know.  But these are real fears and worries.  I usually try to deal with worries by taking it one day at a time.  But this time I just can’t seem to focus on the positive .  My brain these few days is filled with these worries that I can’t seem to shake.  We skipped Easter breakfast at church because I didn’t want to deal with people.  I avoided meet and greet time.  I didn’t want to have anything to do with babies.  Seeing all the matching outfits of kids and families of two, three, or four kids, I was once again reminded of the void in our life.  Bob was amazing though.  Being a helper at the nursery today, holding all the babies gave him the resolve to become a father of his own child in the future.

I continue to pray for peace.  After having peace on Thursday, I don’t seem to have it these past few days.  I know it’s up to God to answer my prayer.  I desperately want God to take away these worries and give me the peace that surpasses all understanding.  But again, I can ask but this too is out of my control.

Fortunately, although I am a mess this time, Bob is not fazed by any of these potential problems.  He has been my voice of positivity, logic, and rational thoughts.  He consoles me and tells me that it’s okay for me to feel sad, but he doesn’t want me to stay there for too long.  He acknowledges my fears, but is also firm in his beliefs that although our timeline is delayed once again, we will eventually move forward with the next cycle with a uterus that is healed.  He believes that the donor will be fine and will give us the embryos that we need.  He believes that I will get pregnant and we will be parents in 2017.

His unwavering belief is exactly what I need.  I am grateful that one of us is doing well.  Our patience is once again tested.  I hope that soon I will get over this sadness and this state of worries so I can be back to being calm, happy, at peace, and patient again.

And I hope that none of my worries comes true.

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20 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Dealing With Worries And Sadness

  1. So many things to worry about — I get it. It’s amazing that you have such a strong believer in Bob — that can be amazing to have someone who is in cheerleading mode while the other is in the pit. That pit is not a great place, but it’s okay to be there (like Bob said, not forever, but you’ll break if you pretend everything is hunky-dory all the time and don’t acknowledge the pit). I’m sorry Easter was tough. We were away, but the facebook feed was full of cute children in dresses and dapper outfits, and the non-baby-ness of everyone reminded me how far behind the curveball we are in this department. Holidays are just awful. I hope you can find a solution that works for you — recovering at home with in-laws doesn’t sound very restorative at all, even if in-laws are lovely people I feel like recovery takes space. I hope for a solution and a quelling of your fears, and for the peace you seek and deserve after all the setbacks you’ve encountered.

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    • I am very grateful that almost always one of us is feeling better than the other one. And thank you for the well wishes. Today I am already feeling much better. I think my brain needed a few days to process the news.

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  2. I hope that none of your worries come true too. After 3 failed IVFs (which included a FET of a so called genetically ‘normal’ embryo) plus being fired during the FET (and now currently in a legal dispute as a result) I know what it’s like for worries to come true time and again. But I keep reminding myself that bad luck can’t last forever. Like you I have an amazing husband…and though I feel angry and sad and pessimistic right now those feelings will eventually pass. Sending hugs.

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    • Oh girl, I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. Being fired during your cycle? That must have been super stressful. Being infertile and navigating through it all is like a job in itself. I can’t imagine dealing with that while dealing with legal things at work. Thanks for the hugs. You are right, those feelings will eventually pass. I hope that it is the case for you. ❤

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  3. I also hope hone of your worries come true & that it all works out well for you both. It’s so emotionally exhausting to have something like this happen, and I wish you ease and peace in this time.

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  4. A lot on your plate for sure. It must feel daunting at times but I am with your husband. Your time to be a Mom is coming and all this will eventually be the past. Hugs.

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    • It’s so interesting that whenever I am down in the pit, my husband feels very sure that we will become parents. And it’s true the other way around too. Thanks for the support. Like you, I need to stop looking at *MY* timeline and my age and focus on getting through each step.

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  5. Sending you lots of love xxx I hope your positivity comes back soon. It is so hard and you have been through so so much. I can’t believe you have had yet another set back. Get Bob to give you a big hug from me today xxx

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    • Thanks friend for stopping by. I am feeling much better today already. Sometimes one just needs to vent, you know? Bob has given me plenty of big hugs. Thank you! ❤

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  6. It sounds like you have a truly amazing life partner to stand by your side and pick u up when you need it most. Likewise, I have read how u have done the same for him. I will continue to pray for u both. I know how confusing surgery is to consider, I have been on both sides like u. He will lead you down the right path. Hugs!

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    • Yeah God has designed us this way that we can lift each other up when the other person is not feeling too good. It’s amazing. Thank you for your support and your prayers. I need to trust God’s perfect timing and plan, knowing that He knows everything. ❤

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  7. I know it’s so hard when you’re waiting but when you’re on the other side, this will all be worth it. God is putting his plan in motion, and all the pieces are falling into place. Maybe this donor is the one you’ve been waiting for, or maybe God has a different plan, and the fibroid setback is part of it making the timing work. If all that makes you angry or sad, then just forget I said it. Nothing but love and prayers from me.

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    • You are so right. No hard or hurt feelings at all. I also have thoughts about all of this leading to what God has all along intended for us to have. No one knows but He does and I need to trust Him no matter what. Thank you so much for your support and prayers.

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  8. I just want you to know that I am here for you and support you in whatever you decide. You say it is “irrational” to feel like sometimes you want to crawl in a hole and rest and quit. I don’t think that is irrational at all. After everything you have endured, that is a perfectly normal way to feel. And if at any point you guys decide that you don’t want to go down this IVF path anymore, I will support you too. I guess what I am trying to say is, let yourself feel how you feel and try not to judge yourself for feeling exhausted.

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    • Thank you friend. You are very right. Knowing Bob and myself and how much we want to be parents, I think we won’t stop pursuing treatment until one day we run out of money. Somehow I feel that eventually we will become parents. But yeah, our minds may change in the future? No one knows. Today I am already feeling better and am ready to tackle whatever that may come our way. And I do have an appointment with my therapist next week so I’ll see how she can help me. Thanks for the love. ❤

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  9. Pingback: Gettung Used to This Space Of Uncertainty | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

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