Not Choosing Peace

I should’ve known better. I’ve been married for over three years.  I should’ve known that if we decided to go out, we’d get into a fight.

It’s seasonably sunny and warm here in my area (Indian summer in October is typical).  Yesterday, Bob asked if we could go out today because of the sunny weather.  I gladly said yes.  Fast forward today.  We did chores in the morning and had lunch at home.  All afternoon, I had been waiting for him to get himself off the couch from watching football so that we could go out.  He didn’t really seem like he wanted to go.  I told him that we could just stay home.  But at one point, I also said, “Didn’t you say you wanted to go out today?”  He took that as me sending him mixed messages.  He still looked reluctant to go when he put his shoes on.  I told him (and I meant it), that I’d rather stay home than upsetting him because he didn’t want to go.  I prophetically said, “If we go out when you don’t want to, I think we’re going to get into a fight.”

Yes.  That was prophetic.  Because we did get into a fight.  We hadn’t even pulled out from the driveway and he already said something to upset me.  I remember a post by A Calm Persistence that struck a chord.  Her husband asked her a question that annoyed her.  She had two choices.  She could flip out and get mad, or she could choose peace.  And she chose peace.  I applaud her for that because it’s very difficult to choose peace at times.

Today was very difficult for me to choose peace.  At times, I get very angry because of what Bob says or the way he says it.  I already told him I would rather stay home than having this person next to me who didn’t want to go out.  However, he thought that I gave him mixed messages.  He didn’t think that I meant it when I said okay to not going out.  He felt guilty keeping me home and he wanted to please me.  But instead of pleasing me, he started to get upset and said things that were basically not true in my ears.

This seems like such a small matter.  Going out or not going out.  I didn’t care. I just wanted a peaceful afternoon.  My afternoon was anything but.

When I get angry, I say things that I shouldn’t say.  But I don’t get to that point of anger unless Bob continues to say something to push my button.  I don’t know about your spouse.  My spouse really knows which button to push.  He’s very lovely when he’s calm.  When he’s mad or upset, he becomes a little irrational and brings up a lot of different issues that we were even fighting about in the first place.  That gets me even more upset and angrier.  And then I start saying the F-word because I am so upset.  And that upsets him even more because of me yelling and screaming.  It’s such a vicious cycle and I just really want to stop.  I don’t know how to stop it.  I feel like sometimes there is this demon in me that I can’t control.  I knew that my foul mouth is so sinful and so provocative that Bob for sure would get upset.  However, when I am at that point, I just feel that I can’t stop myself from it.

A marriage needs a lot of grace and patience.  Grace and patience don’t come from ourselves.  They are granted by the Lord.  And we have to pray and to ask for it.  I sometimes feel like a failure as I fail at communicating with God about the constant need of grace in my marriage.  I fail to confess my sins of my foul mouth.  I fail to change how I interact with my husband.  And I also fail at communicating with my husband in a way that doesn’t further upset him.

We were fighting in the car.   He calmly told me which of my words upset him.  He told me not to talk if I couldn’t talk without screaming.  So I shut my mouth the rest of the way.  He parked the car and just sat there.  I opened the door and walked out.  It was a walkway by this crowded beach.  I walked very fast to the other side of the beach.  Tears started streaming down.  It was such a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I said we were going to fight if we went out.  We went out and we fought.  I was mad at myself for letting the fight escalate.  I was mad at him for being stubborn and saying things that upset me.  I walked faster and faster.  And tears kept on streaming.  This is not how I envisioned coming to the beach.  I stood there watching the people around me.  They were all playing, lying in the sun, throwing a football, having a picnic, riding the waves, running in the water, and having a lot of fun.  I stood there alone, staring at the ocean, hoping that my husband would at least come and meet me where I was.

I felt so lonely.  Standing there felt so meaningless without him next to me enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, the sea breeze, and the view.  In this world, we have just each other to hold and to cherish.  We should be on the same front fighting the same cause.  We should be focusing our energy on enjoying each other and expanding our family.  Instead, we waste our time and energy on fighting because we don’t think for the other person first.  It all stems from selfishness.

Life is so messy sometimes.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get rid of all the fights and just focus on making a baby and each other?  I definitely need a lot of help in this department.  I just feel so vulnerable today… As if we were the only people who would get into fights.  That feels lonely too.  I hope to learn in the future to stop, breathe, and think about the two choices that I have.  I can choose peace or I can choose to win an argument.  I hope that I will learn to choose peace.