Off cycle and Clay

It has been a nice break.

But… it’s time to put the thinking cap back on.  I didn’t know I could be such a good procrastinator.  So I forced myself to make an appointment with Dr. E.  It is scheduled for next Thursday.  I was reluctant to cancel my kids at work.  It just so happens that my 10am kiddo and 11am kiddo both cannot make it next Thursday.  Dr. E happens to have availability at 11am.  Perfect.  I go in to see my 9am appointment, hop in my car to drive across the bay, and hope that the morning commute traffic will have died down already.  The appointment most likely will take 30 minutes.  I then can hop back in the car and make it in time for my 2pm kiddo.  It will be a little tight but I will make it happen.  Bob’s work has been so busy that it is not possible for him to take time off to go with me.  It is still important for him to listen in so we’ll just have to settle for a call-in with speaker phone at Dr. E’s office during the appointment.  

Today is CD3.  I freaked out on CD1 thinking that I would have to go in for a baseline scan the next day.  Frankly I was really not ready for another cycle.  I hadn’t asked my questions!  I freaked and freaked and finally wrote Dr. E.  She is so nice.  She responded to my rambling, incoherent message promptly with the following:

“I would take this month off completely from treatment

so there really isn’t any rush at all

Please call the office and we can review the past cycle embryology report and make future plans

talk soon :)”

Yay!  If the expert says there is no rush, who am I to rush into another cycle?  I got the approval for procrastinating for another month!  A heavy weight got lifted off my shoulders instantly.  I don’t know why I am so not ready for the next cycle.  I just… am not.  Maybe it’s because of the insurance money that is dwindling so I feel that we have to be very careful with how we spend it as the next round we’ll have to start using our savings.  Maybe I am a little fearful of another round of unknowns and emotional ups and downs and want to delay it as much as possible.  I just know that I am in a happy place as I got the approval to try things out the old fashioned way this month.  So I am back to taking my BBT at 5:25am, popping all the supplements three times a day, planning a Maya abdominal massage for next week, and being stuck with needles at my acupuncturist’s.

I feel like I have the best providers.  My acupuncturist Dr. K sent me  a message on the day of our failed day five transfer that she had been thinking about me all day.  She told me not to lose hope and for me to call her if I needed anything.  Yesterday when I resumed my sessions with her for the first time since the IVF cycle, she came into the therapy room, gave me a huge smile, and hugged me.  It feels so good to be cared for.  

Dr. K has quite a few patients who actually commute to SoCal to cycle with Dr. Y.  The feedback that she got from all these patients is that at Dr. Y’s clinic, I will never get the highly personalized care that I currently get at my current RE’s.  You get to see Dr. Y once for the consultation.  For out-of-town patients, you contact the clinic for any questions and the clinic contacts you for all the needed paperwork and labs.  Apparently every time the phone call is picked up or made by someone different from the last time.  You don’t get the same coordinator or person in charge of your case.  If you have a question for Dr. Y, you get onto his call list and he will make sure he calls you by the end of the day, most likely around 8 or 9pm PST.  In another word, do not expect to do what I do right now, which is to email Dr. E or any of her staff and get an answer from the doctor herself immediately.  I am truly spoiled.  Don’t get me wrong.  Dr. Y’s clinic is still highly organized.  But the personal touch might not be there.  So again, there is a lot to consider here.

I think about my frozen embryo daily.  I wonder what it all means to have a little fighter that had hung on until the end.  I wonder if this embryo will actually become a baby.  We have a nickname for this embryo: Clay.  It came from my sister-in-law who thinks that this fighter should be called Muhammad Ali.  I told Bob what she said and Bob quickly said, We should name him Clay, which is Muhammad Ali’s last name.  I love it!  It has been known as “Clay” ever since the day it became a blastocyst.  Maybe if Clay really becomes a real baby boy, Clay could be his real name?  One can dream and hope, right?  I wonder what God has planned for us.

A thinking break

I have been taking a thinking break.

That is, a break from thinking about all things IVF.

Last week we have had to think too much about what to do every step of the way.  Emotionally and mentally, I am tired.  We asked Dr. E a bunch of questions when we talked about the embryo that was going to be frozen, such as what the next step was.  According to her, we would wait for AF to come, check on the follicles, and go from there.  If the follicles look good, we may proceed to a fresh cycle immediately.  If there aren’t too many, we may take a break for a month.

Honestly, after that phone call on Tuesday, my brain has been shut from IVF.  I went about doing my own things.  Going to work, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, commenting on Facebook, and having a car that broke down.  Yup.  My car broke down.  

A little history of my car.  It’s a 2006 Mazda3 hatchback.  My hubby calls it a “Mouse”.  It has not been the best car to us.  Ever since its warranty expired, this car has been giving me a lot of trouble.  I would have to show up frequently to my very trusted mechanic to chitchat with his wife while he figured out what the problem du jour was.  It stalled and refused to move three weeks ago when we stopped in front of a traffic light.  All the dashboard warning lights came up.  I cranked it three times before it decided to go again.  I brought it over to my mechanic, got a 60,000 mile tune-up, and let him drive it around for four days before he declared that he could not find anything wrong with it.  He didn’t charge for the driving around part but I did pay him close to $400 to get the tune-up.  So I didn’t expect anything to be wrong with it.

Fast forward to last Thursday.  After work, I started the car, pulled it to reverse, and got ready to go.  The car jerked violently two times forward and backward.  I was totally shocked by it and quickly stepped on the brake.  I turned off and on the ignition, and the same thing happened.  It was then that I saw the check engine light and the AT light on.  My first thought was… NOT AGAIN??!??  The next thing I did was to check the owner’s manual.  Apparently, the AT light is for the “autotransaxle” (whatever that means) and you are advised to not drive the car with this particular light on.  Fantastic.  I pulled my car back into the parking spot then went back up to my office to see if any of my coworkers could give me a ride home.  I should say that I feel lucky that the car had a problem at my own work’s garage.  Our garage was under construction for about six weeks and we had to park at a high school’s garage about two blocks away for those six weeks.  It was just this past week that we were allowed back in our own parking garage.  I am grateful that it didn’t happen when we were forced to park at the high school garage or on the street.  I didn’t end up getting a ride from my coworkers since no one was leaving soon.  So I took public transportation for the first time in the 9 1/2 years that I have been working here.

I got the car towed the next day to my mechanic.  He finally called me back on Saturday with bad bad news.  My 7-year-old car has transmission problems that need to be fixed.  My mechanic does not do Mazda transmission.  If we want to get it fixed, we’ll need to be referred to another shop.  It would cost quite a bit of money so it is really up to us whether to fix it or to simply sell it/trade it in.

I hate car trouble (who doesn’t?).  I am super bummed that it decided to have problems after I spent several hundred dollars to make sure that it wouldn’t have any problems.  I hate to have to think about what to do with it.  I hate decisions at this moment as there are so many other decisions to make in life.

Bob is right though.  He thinks that the car broke down with good timing.  Imagine having car trouble a week ago when we were going through so much with our first IVF.  I think I would’ve lost it if everything happened at the same time.  And he is also right that this is something we can fix with money.  We don’t need this car.  We have other cars we can use so we are in no rush to decide what to do with it.  We have other things that we have to worry about that can’t be fixed with money, such as infertility.  This is something that we can control.  Just fix or sell the darn car.

Thank you husband for your wise words.  I think you are more and more like my daddy. 🙂

Because of car trouble (or using my car trouble as an excuse), I haven’t really thought about our next cycle.  I have been procrastinating with the thought of the need to write down questions for Dr. E when we get together with her.  I don’t know when AF will arrive since I have never done IVF and don’t know what happens when your body does not release progesterone on its own.  I have not really been taking my temperature since there is no point.  Although today I did temp and got a nice 98.0.  Everything is unpredictable again.  I thought I would have written down some questions by tonight already.  Guess what?  I have done everything but writing down questions.  Bob and I met up with a good friend of mine who moved out of town a couple of years ago and came back in town for a visit.  She came with her two kids and we had a great time visiting.  Bob ordered me a new MacBook Air for my birthday on the day when we thought we had a failed cycle sort of as a “be nice to ourselves after a failed cycle” not knowing that we would have a frozen blastocyst the next day.  We received it on Friday and I have been playing around with it as well as looking on Etsy for a nice laptop cover.  I cooked a full meal for dinner.  And now I am blogging and not writing down questions for Dr. E.  

It has been a nice six days off of not thinking about any questions.  But I think I have to get back to things…. There is so much to think about.  We have some insurance money left since we didn’t do the transfer.  Do we go with Dr. E or do we go with Dr. Y in Southern California?  We only got one frozen embryo with high stims protocol.  Should we try to save money and buy a package of three cycles for $10,000 with Dr. Y rather than paying a lot more to stay with Dr. E?  I honestly think that the kind of care and personal attention that we get from Dr. E is truly phenomenal.  I truly think that it made a difference in how we made our decisions when we had our medical provider that would give us all the information we needed for every step of the way.  She was the one who talked to us and broke our news to us and answered all of our questions regardless of what time it was.  I know it’d be hard to find someone like that.  

Anyhow, it’s approaching bed time and I am still not ready to write down my questions.  Maybe tomorrow????

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I just want to welcome those who are here for ICLW.  We just finished our first IVF cycle with ups and downs and ups and downs and some more ups and downs.  Finally we got a frozen blastocyst on day six after egg retrieval.  Thanks for visiting!