Since we’ve been so open about our journey, I have friends or friends of friends come to me just to talk about their own infertility or to seek solidarity/guidance/opinions. My former supervisor is one of them. And then my friend’s friend is the other. My former supervisor has been experiencing secondary infertility and had an early miscarriage. Her FSH and AMH indicate low egg reserve. My friend’s friend is young (in her early 30s) and has had a few miscarriages and a diagnosis of adenomyosis (just like me). Due to her extremely thin lining, her primary RE and second opinions all recommended her to use a gestational carrier. I referred both of them to Dr. E, my RE who helped bring Bunny and Okra into the world. Coincidentally, both of these ladies were scheduled for an appointment with my RE in the same week, my former supervisor for herself, and my friend’s friend for an initial appointment to use a gestational carrier. I sent my former supervisor a text the evening of the appointment to see how it went. Little did I know that she actually didn’t need to go to the appointment because the week prior to that she discovered that she was pregnant! I was so surprised and happy for her! If she doesn’t have to go through what I had to go through, I am all for it. She was early at that point, about 5 weeks. I wrote Dr. E and told her how excited I was for my former supervisor, and she said, well, “There is someone else with news too but I will let them tell you. You bring good luck to all around you. Lucky fertility charm.” I immediately thought of my friend’s friend and asked for an update from her. She sent me a great update: she found out four days after her appointment with Dr. E that she was pregnant! At the appointment, Dr. E looked at her uterus and said, “This doesn’t look like a uterus that couldn’t sustain a pregnancy to me.” Her lining was thicker than she had seen in three years. It had always been 3 to 4mm, and this time it was 6 to 7 mm. Dr. E had her on progesterone and blood thinner to help with the pregnancy. I was even more surprised at this news but I was so very excited and happy for both of these ladies. I told both of them to take it one day at a time when they felt terrified and tell themselves the mantra “I am pregnant today, and that’s all that matters”. Because, really, there is nothing you can do but to wait to see how things turn out, right? Well, my former supervisor chose to do a 9 week ultrasound with her regular OB and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They couldn’t even find the pregnancy itself although she still had symptoms that morning. It was a missed miscarriage. I didn’t feel like a fertility lucky charm at all and was so heartbroken for her. She had since then gone to see Dr. E and is now facing the reality of choosing her next move among different options. As for my other friend? She has cruised past her first trimester (with a fibroid in her uterus that seems to have stopped growing with the pregnancy) and is now in her second trimester. She is still terrified but this pregnancy has moved past the point of her last two miscarriages. Even though one lady’s pregnancy didn’t sustain, I hope that the other lady will be able to have a healthy pregnancy and carry to term. I am hopeful that although my former supervisor had her recent heartache, Dr. E will be able to help her fulfill her dream of completing her family. And if she needs it, I am always here to lend an ear.
Today has been an interesting day.
One of my clients came in for his speech therapy as usual. We went into the therapy room. Before his mom exited the room to let him work with me, she apologized and said, “I am so so sorry that we haven’t practiced the words that you gave us last week. I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks last week and had to have a D & E.” I was so shocked and felt heart broken for her. “Don’t even apologize for such a thing! I am so sorry for your loss.” I went and gave her a hug and started tearing up for her. She teared up as well. I cannot even begin to fathom what she has gone through in the last two weeks. We got ourselves together and I went on with my session with the boy.
When we were done with the session, the mom and I started chatting about her miscarriage. She and her husband had gone into get her 19 week ultrasound with the kids so that they could all find out the sex of the baby. It was at that appointment when they discovered that the baby boy had no heartbeat. She was so shocked. She gets pregnant easily and things usually go easily for her at all of her pregnancies. She had no symptoms. She didn’t even look pregnant. And just like that, the baby was gone. I really don’t wish anything like this upon anybody. Although she is a fertile person, I really wouldn’t have wanted this to have happened to her. I probably would fake a smile or two and be bitter for a day or two when I finally discovered about her pregnancy had it not gone this route. I really didn’t want to find out about her pregnancy this way. My heart was sad and heavy.
I also shared my journey with her. She actually understood what I had gone through since one of her best friends who is in her late 30s as well went through IVF twice and got two sets of twins. Anyhow, I didn’t expect to have a special bonding time with this mom going into work today. I hope that giving her a chance to talk about it somehow helps to heal her heart a bit.
After that happened in the morning, I went about my usual business in the afternoon. My infertile pregnant friend sent me messages on Gchat. She has gone back to work since Monday and she has been feeling sleepy. I told her to hang in there. She told me that she has 16 more weeks to go. It’s fine. I just went on my business. She then asked me questions about my cycles and clinic choices. I stalled for a bit and didn’t respond until later in the afternoon.
me: Insurance pays for whatever services they billed. so we probably have money for the transfer. We don’t know yet. One round at a time
Her: Don’t worry, things will work out
I don’t know. That just didn’t bode well with me today. First of all, in nowhere did I say that I was worried. And really? She knows that things will work out? How? Is she a prophet? I at first didn’t say anything. Then I thought that maybe this would be a good chance for me to say something so she doesn’t mindlessly offer her platitude repeatedly.
me: I know you mean well, but you don’t know if things will work out. I may never have a child or I may. You don’t know and I don’t know. I just try my best to do what I can. The rest is not up to me. But thanks for asking.
Radio silence on her side.
Maybe I will lose this friendship. Maybe she is offended. Maybe I am petty. I just feel the need to say something to her finally. If she had said that she hoped that things would work out, I’d take that. But that was not how she put it. My hubby was saying that I could say that to her, but I also have to prepare for others who make mindless suggestions and comments and I can’t possibly speak to every single one of them this way. I hope that infertile pregnant friend is right, that things will work out in the end. I do not wish to prove her wrong. I would LOVE for her to be right. But what she said really doesn’t help me in this situation.
Now I think about it… Isn’t it interesting that I had a bonding time with a fertile person over an unfortunate event and a disconnect and maybe even a loss of friendship with an infertile pregnant person?