I was telling myself that after Halloween, I’d start looking into preschools. I didn’t have any idea what kind of preschools I’d like my kids to attend, but I knew that I had to go visit a few to see my preferences. One with Cantonese immersion and close to home would be ideal. But given that our house is not exactly in the city, it’d be very difficult to find a Cantonese preschool within a 10-minute drive. So I focus on the schools around us. The first one I visited was a little co-op preschool that was in a crowded neighborhood. My first impression was it was hard to find parking. That would definitely add to the time it’d take for drop off. I really liked the school. It was play-based with various stations for different activities. The atmosphere was relaxing. The kids looked very happy. The preschool ends at 1:30 and offers extended care for working parents. One morning a week, a parent or family member is assigned tasks to help out at the school. For someone like me with twins, it would mean two mornings a week for me. And if we don’t want to do that, we can pay one participating family tuition and one nonparticipating family tuition. I thought about it, and thought that if I only had one child, it’d be a wonderful opportunity to experience what he/she learns at school. But with twins that I intend to put in preschool three days a week, it would take away 2/3 of my time that I would like to use for starting my career again. Of course there is a waitlist, but apparently next year 16 kids are going to be promoted to kindergarten, so there should be room for everyone on the waitlist. The second preschool I visited is part of a Catholic school. It is a block away from my brother’s house, which is a 5-minute drive. Drop off should be easy with a huge parking lot. The director was warm and knowledgeable. This is a more traditional preschool but still play-based. The place is organized and clean with various different areas for activities. The kids were playing outside when I arrived. They all looked like they were having so much fun. When I was waiting for the director to give me an application, I sat and watched one of the teachers do circle time. She was so lively and the kids were super engaged. I remember our pastor’s wife told me why she loves this school: the teachers genuinely love her kids. I can totally see that. Of course this school has a waitlist as well, and seems to be harder to get into. But I’d love to send the babies there. The tricky part is that their birthday is in mid-September, and there are two of them, so even if there is room for them in August when school starts, they will have to wait until September to attend when they turn two. I ideally want to send them to preschool at 2.5, but it doesn’t work that way for many schools. I looked at the application more closely at home. The first thing that stood out to me was family information: Child lives with Both Natural Parents, Mother Only, Father Only, Parents have joint custody, Parent/Step Parent, Guardian. What do we circle? I mean technically I am not my twins’ “natural” parent. And we did need to get step-parent adoption in order for me to be legally their mother. But do we circle Parent/Step-parent? What if they ask us about the “natural” mother? What a headache. I didn’t anticipate such a dilemma for filling out a preschool application. It goes to tell you that decisions we have made in the past because of infertility affect us way beyond the years we were in the trenches. I haven’t decided what to circle yet. If we do circle “Natural Parents”, will that be lying? If we circle Parent/Step-Parent, will we have to further explain the complicated nature of our babies’ birth? I will have to give this one some serious thoughts.
I am more into documentaries these days than feature films. So when my friend urged me to watch “Private Life” on Netf.lix, I was a little hesitant. One day last week I finally started watching it, but within the first six minutes I already complained to Bob multiple times about medical inaccuracies. My friend kept on telling me to ignore these and focus on the movie itself, I obliged and eventually finished the movie. I actually liked it. If you are going to watch the movie and don’t want a spoiler, come back to this post after you are done. This can wait.
What I like the most about the movie is its realistic portrayal of the emotions of this 40-something couple who started trying to have a baby later in life. Of course there were exaggerations for the sake of storytelling such as the accelerated timelines of TESE, donor eggs, etc. I ignored all of that, and found myself nodding constantly when the characters expressed their feelings as well as when seeing the disapproval and insensitivity of those around them. At a few points, I felt a little weepy as I saw parallels between my life (prior to my twins) and this couple’s lives. The couple was pursuing adoption simultaneously with fertility treatments. They were describing to an adoption social worker about a failed adoption which involved a birth mother who was matched with them but disappeared. It wasn’t clear if she was actually pregnant or was just pretending to be, but something that the social worker said stuck with me: “The emotional scams are really, really tough.” I found myself nodding nonstop. It reminded me of our experiences of our second donor disappearing after meeting with us, and about our current donor who was tested positive for cocaine during our cycle. It was already such an emotional roller coaster for us, and to have others kick us when we were down was almost unbearable. Watching this part made me relive that time of our journey. After the couple failed their first IVF, their RE pragmatically suggested egg donation as an option for financial reasons. The couple’s fight outside the clinic brought out a very common concern of female partner of losing their genetic material vs. the male partner’s ability to conserve his genetic link to their child. I wish the movie did go more in depth about the struggles and emotional turmoil a woman may experience before she says yes to pursuing egg donation, as the wife almost immediately dove into the world of donor profiles online after her initial struggles. But you know, some people get over that part quickly and some don’t, so it could still happen in real life. Regardless, I was almost teary-eyed when the wife scrolled through the donor profiles on her computer screen and read the details aloud to her husbands. That was us when we were trying to decide on a donor. We looked at countless profiles and tried to pinpoint what traits were important to us for passing on to our child. I remember how difficult it was to decide how to choose. I can’t say I totally understood the couple’s choice of donor, as I don’t know if I’d choose a family member myself if I had the choice, but nevertheless I was really rooting for them to finally have a baby. No such luck with that transfer as the fertilization rate was low and the niece was trying to be helpful and increased the drug dosage on her own. I could just see the numbness of the husband and the wife going through the motion of everyday life. That night, the couple had a conversation in bed. The husband expressed that he was actually relieved that it was over, that he didn’t have it in him to do this anymore, and that he didn’t even know if he wanted a kid anymore. He knew that he should console his wife, but he just didn’t have the energy to do that himself. I feel that it was heartfelt and realistically depicted how one would feel after trying so many things for so long without success. It also shows that IVF or DEIVF is not foolproof. Often times both of these fail and leave people with an empty bank account and no baby. As sad as I was for them, there was a glimmer of hope at the end of the movie when the couple got a phone call regarding an adoption and sat in a diner to meet with an expectant birth mother. It showed how the husband who originally sat across from the wife crossed to the other side to sit next to her and hold her hand. They were in this position and waiting expectantly facing the door of the restaurant. That was the end, and I love it that we don’t get to know what happened next. We don’t know if the expectant birth mom was going to show up, but it was so encouraging to see that 1) there is a chance that they will become parents and 2) regardless of the outcome, this pair who has gone on this incredibly difficult path together will be okay, as they are in this together. That was me and Bob, that regardless of the outcome, we were in it together. That has always been such a comforting thing for me, and I hope that those who watch this movie and are walking the same path of infertility also find comfort in that.
Seven years ago today we got married.
It was such a glorious day. The weather was the best; sunny and breezy, which was such a blessing because the stormy weather the weekend before made it a little nerve wracking for me. We were surrounded by 98 of our closest friends and family. People still talk about how fun the wedding was to this day. It was so beautiful despite the fact that nobody from Bob’s family, including his parents, attended our wedding. Not only were they not in attendance, my father-in-law yelled at Bob on the phone the day before the wedding for going forward with it. The beautiful day was marred by his family’s disapproval of the marriage. In fact, his dad didn’t talk to him again until 10 months later when we went to visit my in-laws overseas. The family drama that came with the marriage paled in comparison to the struggles that we had when we decided to start a family. The funny thing was, at 37 years old, I was afraid of getting pregnant right away before we could spend some time to get to know each other as husband and wife. In fact, Bob spent his eve of our wedding at a drug store purchasing condoms and got locked out by his best man who locked the door and went to bed early.
How naive I was. If I had known the struggles we would encounter trying for a baby, I would have agreed to start trying right away. Little did I know that in the course of the next six years, we discovered problems such as over 50 tiny uterine fibroids that required surgical removal, high FSH, low AMH, the need for donor eggs, Bob’s DNA fragmentation and varicocele, and the need for a gestational carrier.
Fast forward to this day. After all the struggles with Bob’s parents and building a family, it is nothing short of a miracle that we have both my in-laws and our babies sleeping under the same roof. Even just a couple of years ago, I didn’t think that it was possible. We survived all the struggles in the last seven years and thrive as a couple. When things get tough in the future (I am sure they will at some point), our past challenges can and will serve as a guide and an encouragement for us to push forward. I love my husband and wish him a very happy anniversary, the first one we have with our babies safely in our arms. What a blessing it is to get to say that.
I had a burst of energy the other day so I decided to clean the drawers of our bathroom. It must have been a very long time since I emptied out the drawers. Buried deep inside of one of them were these:
I remember my emotions when I purchased these tests. Some were purchased during my first IVF cycle, and some other ones were for the joy of seeing two pink lines and the word “pregnant” after my first donor egg transfer. I remember being so hopeful and so certain that my own pee would produce the magic word on the Clear Blue digital test or the beautiful pink lines on the First Response test. The expiration dates came and went, and the me in my present day would never use any of these tests or any newly purchased ones on myself. Although I have crying babies outside to prove that one doesn’t need to be pregnant in order to build a family, my thoughts and feelings at that moment were still a tremendous sense of loss of the ability to grow a baby inside of me. I thought I had worked through my feelings about that. I guess grief hits you whenever, especially at unexpected moments. This is a reminder that I will never be pregnant or feel a life grow in my uterus. That feeling sucks.
Needless to say, these tests or their new versions no longer belong to my bathroom drawers.
I have noticed something after the babies were born: some friendships aren’t the same anymore.
The most obvious shift is with my maid of honor (let’s call her MOH). She is one of my very best friends. Throughout this whole journey with infertility, she had been THE prayer warrior for us. She was the one to whom I would send a text if there was any urgent prayer request. Even though we were both busy, we often tried to find time to hang out once a month. Bob often jokes that he doesn’t have to plan anything too nice or romantic for me for my birthday because this friend of mine would for sure take me to a fancy restaurant every time I turn a year older. This year for my birthday she took me to this Japanese restaurant for a very nice Omakase meal. We were joking that this would be our very last fancy meal together before the babies arrived. It wasn’t quite the last meal since we also got together one more time in August for her birthday. I took her out for ramen and a movie and we had a great time. That was the last time we hung out before the babies.
I sent MOH a text with the babies’ pictures on the day of birth. No response. Being so busy with newborns at the hospital, I didn’t think much of it. She didn’t write me any emails or texts in the next whole month. I found it very odd that she hadn’t reached out to find out how we were doing or to meet the babies. For the meal train that was set up for us, she signed up for meal delivery in mid-November. Again, no personal texts, calls, or emails. And this was somebody who would hang out with me at least once a month. On the day the babies turned one month old, I finally sent her a text asking how she was doing since I hadn’t seen her or heard from her in a long time. She wrote me back saying that she was looking for us at church but didn’t see us. We exchanged a couple of texts. She then said that she’d be coming to us in a few weeks since she was on our dinner schedule.
At that point, this whole interaction left me with an icky feeling. This is one of my best friends. Somebody who had been with me through thick and thin for over 15 years. She stood next to me at the altar on our wedding day and later delivered a toast during the wedding reception so touching that made me cry. All these years during the worst times of our infertility trials, her prayers and support lifted me up. Even during the nine months of the surrogacy, she was there praying for us, Annie, and the babies.
I don’t like how distant it has felt with her.
The only explanation I have for this is that maybe she has had a difficult time processing the reality of me having babies. My friend is a successful professional who is beautiful inside and out. However, she hasn’t had a lot of luck with dating despite being open and proactive in meeting people both in real life and online. She desires to be married and have a family but it hasn’t happened. However, I never felt that it was a problem for her to witness my dating relationship and eventually my married life. We still hung out like usual and I tried to support her as much as I could. So maybe this time it really struck her that my life is truly really far from her single, professional life. Maybe like friends who struggle with infertility, she also struggles with her singleness and the delay in her pursuit of a marriage and family? Maybe she is having a hard time being there because it is a painful reminder of what she desires?
I really don’t know what happened. But I miss our friendship.
Mid-November my MOH delivered a super yummy dinner to us. That was two whole months after the babies were born. She looked as pleasant as one could be. She helped us hold the babies. She kissed them on their foreheads and was tender and loving. However, I don’t think I was being overly sensitive about this, but I could feel a tiny bit of distance from her. It was a vibe that was difficult to describe or explain. We chatted about her life. She asked about the birth but interrupted me mid-story to ask about something else. After another ten minutes, she had to go. Again, something was different and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. And that was the one and only time she saw and hung out with our babies.
MOH and I crossed path at church yesterday in the beginning of the service. She was on duty as a greeter chatting with someone when I passed by her. She smiled and asked if I had already gotten a bulletin, then turned her head to continue to chat. I didn’t see her after church. Once again, we missed an opportunity to connect with each other and for her to see our babies.
I asked myself if I would ever tell her about my observation or to ask her about it. I think I will wait a bit to see if she would seek opportunity to come see us. I reached out with a text yesterday but haven’t heard from her. Maybe she is really processing her feelings about this, but it makes me feel a little bit sad that there is an unexpected change in our friendship. My thoughts and feelings during my infertility journey have taught me to be patient with those around me who might be going through their own difficult times. I think about how I was when one of my best friends was pregnant with her second baby. I saw her during her pregnancy once and hardly hung out with her after the birth. I was hurting, so maybe my MOH is hurting too? I will give her some time and space and hopefully our interaction will be more frequent and back to normal. It does make feel sad though. Infertility sucks, and resolution after infertility is not without its challenges. I do realize that I can’t force things to happen. Hopefully time and patience will pay off.
Regardless of how it is said, today is mine!
On my third anniversary of my blog last year, we were trying to figure out the whole surrogacy thing. We were so lost.
Ever since then, we went through more roller coaster rides. But all of that doesn’t matter anymore. We cherish where we are at today.
Today, I am struggling with how to deal with our gestational carrier’s emotions and discomfort. Today, I am waiting for our 24 weeks ultrasound A.K.A. viability. Today, I am having a difficult time settling on where to do our baby registry.
Whatever I am going through right now is heck of a lot better than what could have been or where we were at my blogoversary/blogiversary last year, two years ago, three years ago, or when the blog started.
We have babies coming. They are baking. They are thriving. Although I don’t get to carry them. Although I don’t have genetic connections with them. They are mine. I am their mom. There is nothing better than being in this position (until they are safely in my arms).
For that, I am grateful.
And I am also thankful for all the support, whether quietly through reading or actively via commenting.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.
Three years ago I went to a retreat for my bible study the day after we confirmed that we had lost our first pregnancy. God was so good to me that the experience there helped me grieve and start healing for the loss. This retreat occurs every three years. Fast forward to right now. Bob and I just attended the same retreat together in Southern California. This time it felt so different. First of all I had my husband with me and it is such a blessing that we serve in the same bible study organization. Second is that, we are in a vastly different position this time in terms of our fertility journey. Three years ago we just failed our first ever transfer with a chemical pregnancy. Our hearts were broken and we needed healing. This time, we went with the news of expecting twins. We don’t have the heaviness of waiting for something to happen. Things are happening. What a blessing it is to be here. Bob was treated like a rock star when many of my friends from my bible study group came by one after another to meet him. It was so precious for them to congratulate him on the babies. In my blog post about the last retreat three years ago I met a woman on the plane who experienced infertility and eventually adopted a little girl from China. I shared with this random stranger (but not so random as it was a divine appointment) about our struggles and she promised to pray for us. God has such a sense of humor (and it’s a small world). My husband has been the bible teacher for this same little girl in the past year and has developed a close relationship with this family. I bumped into this mother again at the retreat this time. She told me that she had been consistently praying for us which was super sweet because she has kept her promise. I thought that her husband would have shared with her our news of expecting twins (since my husband and her husband now serve in the same bible study) but he hadn’t. So she was so surprised and happy to know that we are finally expecting not one baby but two! Again, God is so compassionate and full of love. He allowed me to personally share this news with this lady. It feels like things have come in a full circle. I just feel redeemed that we are in such a sweet position to be able to experience the joy of this monumental change in our lives and finally have good news to share on this twisted journey. All I can say is that God is good and my heart is filled with gratitude for His provision.
I didn’t think I was going to attend my grandma’s funeral. My thought was, if I didn’t get to spend time with her before she died, what is the use of going right now as I don’t even get to spend time with her. The day after grandma died, my dad sent me a text with the dates: the wake will be on 3/23 and the funeral is the next morning. He called me that evening and wondered if I had thought of going for just a few days. I was honest about it. It hadn’t even crossed my mind to go all the way to Asia mainly because of my schedule for the next week or so. But I promised him that I’d think about it. He told me that there was no pressure, which I believed him. My dad never pressures us into doing anything.
So this is what I was originally scheduled to do: driving with Bob to a bible study conference in Southern California on 3/17 Friday and returning on 3/19 Sunday. I bought plane tickets to go to Annie’s hometown 3/20 Monday morning so I could attend the 12 weeks 5 days ultrasound that afternoon. The plan was for me to return home on 3/21 evening. If I stuck with my plan and still go to my grandma’s funeral, I’d basically have to fly out to Asia on 3/21 evening in order to make it to the wake. Imagine traveling from Friday to Sunday to one place, Monday to Tuesday to another place, and immediately flying all the way to Asia. I know nothing is impossible, but with my age and stamina, I don’t think it will be the wisest thing for me to do. I am not that young anymore.
So my choice came down to: seeing the babies? Or honoring grandma?
I did struggle with the decision. It’s not about the money. Fortunately we have been flying Sout.hwest, and this airline allows for cancellation of reservations and the funds can be used towards another travel within a year. I can cancel the flight to Annie’s hometown and won’t lose our money. The airfare to Asia is surprisingly inexpensive. I get five days of bereavement leave at work so it doesn’t make a huge dent in my vacation time that I am saving up for prenatal appointments. I do miss seeing my babies, especially after the last ultrasound when I felt that I just wanted to be there to witness everything, to be part of my babies’ lives as much as possible during this time. But I know that the babies aren’t going to go anywhere, and Bob and I are going to attend the 16 weeks ultrasound. It is really not going to be a huge deal skipping the 12 weeks ultrasound.
Another thing is, I feel that I will not have a whole lot of time to go to Asia the next few months and especially after the babies arrive. I know of people who travel with their newborns to see relatives in Asia, but I don’t know how feasible it will be with two babies. My paternal grandmother is approaching 98. It may be a good time for me to go see her again before my life gets crazy in the next few months. Nobody knows how long she will be here on earth, right? And when I go and see her in person, I can share our good news about the twins with her face-to-face. This may help me cope with the loss of my other grandma who never learned about her great grandkids.
Bob was 100% supportive for whatever decision I was going to make. So after praying and sleeping on it for a few days, I decided to forego the prenatal appointment and to make a trip to Asia for just eight days. It is going to be a short trip but enough for me to spend some quality time with my family and supporting my mom who has been tremendously sad losing her mother. Thank God for technology, I will still be able to see the babies like usual on my tiny phone screen when Annie goes to the 12 weeks 5 days ultrasound. To me, this is the best plan so that my grandma’s life will be honored. I feel at peace with this decision. Although I didn’t get to see my grandma before she died, I believe this trip will help bring closure.
My grandma passed away yesterday.
This was my mom’s mom. My brother was the first grandchild in the family and this grandma took care of him the first few years of his life while my mom was at work. The two of them had a close bond that none of us subsequent grandchildren had. I grew up with my paternal grandmother instead. My maternal grandmother had a stroke not too long ago and was becoming very sick. I never developed the closeness with her like my brother did, but knowing that the end of her life was near, I desperately wanted to let her know that her great grand-babies would be coming later this year.
Because of how sick my grandma was, my brother flew to Asia to spend time with her. That was the day after our 8 weeks 5 days scan. I had given him the task of sharing our pregnancy news with grandma if her recovery from her stroke allowed her to understand his message. My brother and I spoke on the phone after he arrived and visited with her. She was simply not lucid enough to have a meaningful conversation at that point with him. I told him to tell her if he found a good time. After we hung up, I broke into tears.
Since then, my heart would skip a beat whenever the phone rang or a text message came. I was afraid that it would be bad news about my grandma. Saturday night while I was having a good time at a friend’s birthday party, I was totally unaware of my grandma being at the end of her life. My mom’s text in the middle of the night revealed that grandma breathed her last breath on earth and had passed. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the message. The initial calmness was followed by incredible sorrow in my heart. Tears kept coming down while I lay in the dark. It felt like a part of me had left with the death of my grandmother. When she was pregnant with my mom, the egg that made me was already formed inside my mom as a fetus in my grandma’s womb. How amazing life is that I originated from her. And now she has left permanently from this earth, my heart is broken. I cried uncontrollably at various times yesterday thinking about her and how her life ended.
Grandma and I don’t have anymore time on this earth together. Last October when I visited was the last time I saw her. My brother encouraged me saying that instead of being sad about not being able to see her again, I should feel comforted that we did spend time together not too long ago. But to me, it’s too late now as our babies will never meet their great grandmother. She had no knowledge of them while she was still on earth. Infertility has robbed us of many things. If we had been able to get pregnant earlier, then my grandma would have had a chance to meet our child(ren) or to have the joy of knowing their existence. This lost opportunity highlights how unfair this journey could be. Many things on this earth are beyond our control, especially life (creating a baby) and death (loved one’s passing). I know I will eventually be okay, but today I mourn the loss of my grandmother and the impossibility of my children being in the embrace of their maternal great grandmother.
Triggers come at any time, and not always when we expect it.
I hadn’t teared up about our situation in quite some time. Not when I saw all the babies and kids at my work’s preschool class’ Christmas performance. Not when my once-again-pregnant coworker loudly declared to everyone in the hall that she isn’t going to find out the sex of her second baby. Not even when we were told last week that the company that tests the epigenetic information of Bob’s sper.m would need an extra two weeks on top of the three week that they had promised to give us the results of the sperm test, which meant that we might once again have to decide if we wanted to postpone the January yet again. And also not when the scenes of pregnancy and birth showed up while we were watching the TV show Parentho.od.
I expected to shed a tear or two, but I didn’t.
This is why triggers are so crazy. They just come unannounced and when you are not prepared.
Bob has had his green card for a few years and has been eligible to apply for citizenship for a couple of years already. He had been putting off working on his application for a long time until yesterday afternoon. One of the questions on the application was about how many children he has. This was an extremely easy question to answer and required no effort on his part because he simply has zero living children. He got to skip all the information that he could have had to fill out because there was nowhere on the form that allowed you to tell about those ones that didn’t make it alive to this world.
As I sat across from him and listened to him joke about how easy it was to fill out this part, I started to feel the weight of this question. A marriage of 5.5 years. Nothing to show for. Not even one living child. And it was not for the lack of trying. We have practically done almost every single type of treatment maybe except for donated embryos. At that point, sadness came over me. My eyes were warm with the tears that were about to shed. It came as a surprise. It was just some application asking some common questions. I wasn’t even the one who had to answer the question. But it just amplified the helplessness of the situation. Children come so easy for many who have had to answer this question, but not to us. All those other situations I mentioned about didn’t make me cry, but this one did. There is no rhyme or reason.
That’s the thing about this journey. No rhyme or reason. You just have to take the challenges as they come. And it’s okay to shed a few tears.