MicroblogMondays: Mom/Grandma

I have had some reflections (in my head) since motherhood began, but time is lacking in terms of blogging.  I at least want to write about this one particular one:  My mom and I had never been so close in the 43 years of my life, and I hadn’t fully realized the magnitude of her love to me until these past couple of months.

I know my mom loves me.  She has always had a servant’s heart and had taken very good care of me as she had been living with me every six months prior to my marriage (and continues to do so with Bob and me).  But the way she takes care of me and my babies shows me a whole new dimension of her love.

Since Bob returned to work after two weeks of parental leave, my mom has been by my side to care for the babies (and for me).  Her routine used to be like this: going to bed at midnight and sleeping in until 9am.  Ever since her grandchildren came, she has adjusted her sleep/wake time.  She would go to bed at 9pm and get up at 6am.  She would come upstairs to check on the babies at that time and urge me to go take a nap with my ear plugs on.  She then takes care of the babies until time to feed them again.  She has been feeding the babies with me side-by-side so I don’t have to always tandem-feed them.  She washes all the bottles.  She does the laundry for them.  You should see the way she plays with the babies, sings to the babies, talks to the babies, and rocks the babies to sleep.  She won’t let the babies cry more than a few seconds, and she patiently waits for them to finish their bottles even if it takes an hour and the babies fuss in between.  She praises the babies all the time.  She is the gentlest grandma ever.  You can see the love in her eyes and her voice for my children/her grandchildren and for me.

In the past seven weeks, she has experienced many episodes of vertigo.  The first time she was feeling dizzy was in my bedroom while holding onto Okra, my son.  I urged her to go lie down.  The second time it happened, she burst into tears because she felt useless for not being able to help me and take care of the babies.  But I told her not to feel guilty and that she needs to take care of herself so she can take good care of us.  Even when she doesn’t feel dizzy, she constantly feels tired with an aching back.  Well, we have to kind of blame it on baby boy because he’s probably 10 lbs by now.  It is not a small feat to lift him especially when he likes to be held a certain way.  She always jokes that she now has definition in her arms because of them.

Of course she knows that they have no genetic connections to her.  And of course this fact makes no difference in her love for them.  My mother is truly an inspiration for me to learn how to be patient with my babies when sleep is lacking and crying and whining become frequent.

We were not without conflicts.  In the early days when everyone was trying to adjust to this new life with crying babies and without the night nanny’s help, my mother said some very hurtful things to me that I won’t repeat here.  In her overly fatigued state, she didn’t realize how hurtful her words were.  We had our fight.  We shed our tears.  And we reached a new understanding as mother and daughter.  Although the incident was unfortunate, the outcome was unexpectedly good for our relationship.

My father was here for six weeks to help take care of the babies.  He was super helpful with food delivery, watching the babies while I took a breather, and feeding/playing with the babies.  Now that he is gone, I miss him tremendously.  I am quite sure that I would even miss my mother more when my in-laws come next April and my mom has to go back to Asia.

Really.  I don’t think I can function so well these days without my mom’s help.  She is truly the best mom and grandmother.  I am so blessed to have her.

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MicroblogMondays: Grandma’s Love

About a year ago, I wrote this post about my mom showing me sweaters that she knitted for other people’s babies.  I described the sense of loss that I had, and how I just endured her showcasing her work of art for other people.   I ended that post with this:

“I don’t now how and when my baby will come, but I believe that when he/she comes, my mother will go crazy with her baby clothes sewing and knitting.  I am very sure of that.  For now, I’ll hold onto that vision of me and my mom choosing yarn and fabric for my baby until it becomes a reality.”

Here we are one year later.  Instead of one baby, now this second-time grandmother-to-be has the task of knitting for her grandson and granddaughter.  What a joy to see her show me the yarn that she has picked out, the patterns that she is considering, and the finished products that are ready to be worn by her grand-babies when the time comes.


I cannot begin to describe the feeling of seeing my mom make these beautiful sweaters for our precious babies.  Finally.

Knowing my mom, I am sure there are many more to come. 😆

MicroblogMondays: Closure

I didn’t think I was going to attend my grandma’s funeral.  My thought was, if I didn’t get to spend time with her before she died, what is the use of going right now as I don’t even get to spend time with her.  The day after grandma died, my dad sent me a text with the dates: the wake will be on 3/23 and the funeral is the next morning.  He called me that evening and wondered if I had thought of going for just a few days.  I was honest about it.  It hadn’t even crossed my mind to go all the way to Asia mainly because of my schedule for the next week or so.  But I promised him that I’d think about it.  He told me that there was no pressure, which I believed him.  My dad never pressures us into doing anything.

So this is what I was originally scheduled to do: driving with Bob to a bible study conference in Southern California on 3/17 Friday and returning on 3/19 Sunday.  I bought plane tickets to go to Annie’s hometown 3/20 Monday morning so I could attend the 12 weeks 5 days ultrasound that afternoon.  The plan was for me to return home on 3/21 evening.  If I stuck with my plan and still go to my grandma’s funeral, I’d basically have to fly out to Asia on 3/21 evening in order to make it to the wake.  Imagine traveling from Friday to Sunday to one place, Monday to Tuesday to another place, and immediately flying all the way to Asia.  I know nothing is impossible, but with my age and stamina, I don’t think it will be the wisest thing for me to do.  I am not that young anymore.

So my choice came down to: seeing the babies?  Or honoring grandma?

I did struggle with the decision.  It’s not about the money.  Fortunately we have been flying Sout.hwest, and this airline allows for cancellation of reservations and the funds can be used towards another travel within a year.  I can cancel the flight to Annie’s hometown and won’t lose our money.  The airfare to Asia is surprisingly inexpensive.  I get five days of bereavement leave at work so it doesn’t make a huge dent in my vacation time that I am saving up for prenatal appointments.  I do miss seeing my babies, especially after the last ultrasound when I felt that I just wanted to be there to witness everything, to be part of my babies’ lives as much as possible during this time.  But I know that the babies aren’t going to go anywhere, and Bob and I are going to attend the 16 weeks ultrasound.  It is really not going to be a huge deal skipping the 12 weeks ultrasound.

Another thing is, I feel that I will not have a whole lot of time to go to Asia the next few months and especially after the babies arrive.  I know of people who travel with their newborns to see relatives in Asia, but I don’t know how feasible it will be with two babies.  My paternal grandmother is approaching 98.  It may be a good time for me to go see her again before my life gets crazy in the next few months.  Nobody knows how long she will be here on earth, right?  And when I go and see her in person, I can share our good news about the twins with her face-to-face.  This may help me cope with the loss of my other grandma who never learned about her great grandkids.

Bob was 100% supportive for whatever decision I was going to make.  So after praying and sleeping on it for a few days, I decided to forego the prenatal appointment and to make a trip to Asia for just eight days.  It is going to be a short trip but enough for me to spend some quality time with my family and supporting my mom who has been tremendously sad losing her mother.  Thank God for technology, I will still be able to see the babies like usual on my tiny phone screen when Annie goes to the 12 weeks 5 days ultrasound.  To me, this is the best plan so that my grandma’s life will be honored.  I feel at peace with this decision.  Although I didn’t get to see my grandma before she died, I believe this trip will help bring closure.

MicroblogMondays: Too Late

Microblog_Mondays

My grandma passed away yesterday.

This was my mom’s mom.  My brother was the first grandchild in the family and this grandma took care of him the first few years of his life while my mom was at work.  The two of them had a close bond that none of us subsequent grandchildren had.  I grew up with my paternal grandmother instead.  My maternal grandmother had a stroke not too long ago and was becoming very sick.  I never developed the closeness with her like my brother did, but knowing that the end of her life was near, I desperately wanted to let her know that her great grand-babies would be coming later this year.

Because of how sick my grandma was, my brother flew to Asia to spend time with her.  That was the day after our 8 weeks 5 days scan.  I had given him the task of sharing our pregnancy news with grandma if her recovery from her stroke allowed her to understand his message.  My brother and I spoke on the phone after he arrived and visited with her.  She was simply not lucid enough to have a meaningful conversation at that point with him.  I told him to tell her if he found a good time.  After we hung up, I broke into tears.

Since then, my heart would skip a beat whenever the phone rang or a text message came.  I was afraid that it would be bad news about my grandma.  Saturday night while I was having a good time at a friend’s birthday party, I was totally unaware of my grandma being at the end of her life.  My mom’s text in the middle of the night revealed that grandma breathed her last breath on earth and had passed.  I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the message.  The initial calmness was followed by incredible sorrow in my heart.  Tears kept coming down while I lay in the dark.  It felt like a part of me had left with the death of my grandmother.  When she was pregnant with my mom, the egg that made me was already formed inside my mom as a fetus in my grandma’s womb.  How amazing life is that I originated from her.  And now she has left permanently from this earth, my heart is broken.  I cried uncontrollably at various times yesterday thinking about her and how her life ended.

Grandma and I don’t have anymore time on this earth together.  Last October when I visited was the last time I saw her.  My brother encouraged me saying that instead of being sad about not being able to see her again, I should feel comforted that we did spend time together not too long ago.  But to me, it’s too late now as our babies will never meet their great grandmother.  She had no knowledge of them while she was still on earth.  Infertility has robbed us of many things.  If we had been able to get pregnant earlier, then my grandma would have had a chance to meet our child(ren) or to have the joy of knowing their existence.  This lost opportunity highlights how unfair this journey could be.  Many things on this earth are beyond our control, especially life (creating a baby) and death (loved one’s passing).  I know I will eventually be okay, but today I mourn the loss of my grandmother and the impossibility of my children being in the embrace of their maternal great grandmother.