Day Three Report

The phone call came at 3:30 when I was seeing one of my clients.  The nurse introduced herself and said that she was calling to give me a transfer time.  It will be Wednesday at 1:45pm.  She gave me the instructions to arrive 15 minutes early, drink water, and take a Val.ium at 12:45pm.  It didn’t seem like she was going to talk about the embryos at all.  So after I told her that I will have an acupuncture session before and after the transfer, I asked her about the embryos.

The nurse really didn’t prepare to give me a report, because she told me to wait for a second while she pulled it up.  I don’t know if it is not the custom to give a day three report, or if a day three report is not necessary because we are growing to day five.  She first explained to me that the embryos are graded from grade one to grade four, one being the best and four being the worst.  All ten of our embryos are still there.  There are no grade one embryos.  We have three grade two embryos: 10-cell, 9-cell, and 4-cell.  There are four grade three embryos: 7-cell, 9-cell, 10-cell, and 10-cell.  There are also three grade four embryos: 9-cell, 9-cell, and 4-cell.  When I heard all of this, my mind froze a little and all I was focusing on was that we didn’t have any grade one embryos.  The nurse did give an assessment to each embryo, from above average, to average, to below average.  However, I didn’t write fast enough to note them all.  I asked her if the grade four embryos mean that they are not good to become blastocysts, she said that you’d never know.  Some blastocysts come from grade four embryos.  I thanked her and hung up.  My client, who is on the autistic spectrum, was waiting for me to be done with the phone call.  I really had to pull myself together so that I could focus and finish up the session with him.  But my visceral reaction was so real.  I had been so at peace and calm with this.  All day I was not nervous.  Up until the moment when I was told there was no grade one embryos, my shoulders tensed up and I felt full of anxiety.  I don’t know why but my mind just focused on the negative.  I even started to panic and wondered if we should transfer two blastocysts instead of one.

I wonder if it might have been better if I didn’t know the grading because the knowledge of it only added to my fear and didn’t give me information about whether or not we’ll have a blastocyst on Wednesday.  It’s sometimes true that ignorance is bliss.

After the session, I updated Bob who was at that time busy with work.  Fortunately, my last client canceled so I had the time and space to process this news.  I guess my expectation was that these young eggs should give us some grade one embryos.  And I was probably expecting a textbook case.  With higher expectation comes disappointment when the expectation is not met.  My mind automatically went to the worst: we don’t have any normal blastocysts to transfer.  I had to stop myself and again focus on God, on His unchanging nature, and on His power and might.  He already knows the outcome of this cycle.  What I need to do is to focus on Him and Him alone.  And who am I to pretend that I know about grading?  I know nothing about grading or whether these embryos will become blastocysts or not based on their day three performance.  God makes the impossible possible.  Anything could happen between now and Wednesday.  Instead of focusing on the numbers, I should focus on my gratitude that these ten embryos are still growing.  My mind vacillated between my faith in God’s plan and my fear of having a very bad outcome this cycle.

One thing I am really sure is that I will not consult with Dr. Googl.e.  I don’t want to read anyone’s stories about their success or failure with these gradings.  Their stories do not translate into my future success or not.  So I promised myself that I will steer clear from doing any online searches.

Lying there with dimmed lights at my acupuncture session, I closed my eyes and concentrated my energy on the word “gratitude”.  God has taken us this far to this point.  I believe that He will carry us through if this is His will.  I am grateful that some embryos are good quality.  I continue to pray for the perfect number of blastocysts to complete our family.  My tensed shoulders started to relax and my breathing became deeper.  Although now I feel that this is not a sure thing, I know that we will be well taken care of.

My heart is a lot calmer than it was this afternoon.  This journey has not been easy.  Even with donor eggs, it is still not easy.  Worry is not going to help with my situation, so I try to replace my worrying thoughts with positive thoughts.  I continue to pray that God sustains me with peace and calmness that only comes from Him.  And we shall see what His plan is and what the future holds.  Our prayer is that the chromosomally normal embryos will make it to day five.

Perfect Ten!!!

The phone call came earlier than I thought it would.  On the instruction sheet, it says that a nurse will call in the afternoon.  About 11am, I was sitting on the stairs at home waiting for Bob to be ready to go grocery shopping with me.  I was holding my phone and was about to check my email when the phone rang.  It said “UCSF Reproductive”.  Since the timing of the phone call was so unexpected, I didn’t even have time to worry about it.  I answered.  The nurse was super nice.  She introduced herself and told me that she’d give me the fertilization report.  She said that all ten eggs were deemed mature and they all fertilized!  Praise the Lord!!!  I can’t tell you how relieved and surprised I was to hear that.  When I woke up this morning, I was still not too nervous or worried, but I did have thoughts that maybe none of the eggs would thaw or none would fertilize.  I was hoping for at least nine to thaw and eight to fertilize.  To have all ten of them still there is such an amazing thing to experience.  Yay to young eggs!  I have never had a 100% fertilization rate so that’s my first.  This is the best possible outcome at this point.  The nurse congratulated me and sounded very excited too.  I thanked her for giving me great news, and she told me that she loves delivering good news.  I said I could cry, and she said, go ahead and go celebrate!  I also thanked her for calling so early.  She said that when she got in she checked, but the results were there yet.  She checked repeatedly and called me once she got them.  Such a nice nurse!  The funny thing was another nurse called me about 30 minutes later trying to give me the fertilization report as well.  Talking about a bit of a lack of coordination.  I was nervous when I picked up the phone call because I didn’t know if something went wrong.  Luckily it was just another fertilization report.  I would rather have double phone calls than nobody calling me.

Phew!  One hurdle down.  It’s such a great feeling to get amazing news.  I don’t expect all of the embryos to keep on growing, but I am a bit more confident that we’ll have a transfer on Wednesday.  We’ll get another report on Monday on how the embryos are doing and transfer time and instructions.  Maybe my dear friend Jane has to come up with some embryo names for us. 🙂

So relieved!

Green light!

We got the green light to move ahead!

Today was my lining check day.  I was able to maintain my calm most of the day.  There were maybe three moments of nervousness but I was really amazingly at peace.  My prayer this morning was for my lining to be good, but if also for God to keep me focus on Him rather than my circumstances if my lining wasn’t good.  I was able to focus at the kids at work.  I was not anxious when I was driving to the clinic.  All in all, I was feeling at peace and calm.

I arrived at the clinic early and found a free parking spot (yay!).  I wrote a huge check for the cycle, the most we have paid for one single cycle.  I really hope that the end result is a baby for us.  When I was done checking in, it was not even my appointment time yet.  I barely warmed my seat in the waiting room before a male nurse led me into the exam room.  Not even two seconds after I undressed and covered myself up before my favorite nurse practitioner (NP) walked in.  She asked me how I was doing.  I told her that I had been quite calm all day  until that moment, not knowing if the estrogen patches were working.  She told me that it is some pretty powerful stuff.  Apparently if the patches don’t work, the clinic would recommend injections.  Being on the table, I started to feel a little nervous.  I am thankful that she was very good at putting me at ease.  With me lying down and the light dimmed, she inserted the wand and reminded me that because of my fibroid, it usually would take her a little while to find the lining.  After looking for a few seconds, she said, “I can tell you now that it’s looking good”.  What a relief that she told me that first.  She proceeded to measure the lining.  It was 7.8mm.  I was slightly disappointed because last cycle my lining was the same and I didn’t get pregnant.  But like last time, she told me that anything above 7mm is good.  I remember her telling me that the trilaminar pattern looking shiny is what they would want.  I could totally see the shininess of my lining on the screen.  Both ovaries were quiet, which was what we wanted.  The NP wanted to make sure she got the best view of the lining, so she asked for permission to do an abdominal ultrasound.  That measurement was even better: 8mm.  She said that it would be a more accurate one because the view was not obstructed by the fibroid.

I felt relieved, calm, and happy that we are moving on, finally.  It has seemed like a long wait since our last transfer.  A total of nine months.  We went through a lot in the last nine months.  It just feels good to get the Okay to move forward.

One of the in-cycle nurses situated me in this office with a great view of the bay.  We went over all the instructions for the sample collection, the changes in medication, transfer, and pregnancy test.  I knew ahead of time that Bob would have to clear his semen without anyone telling us.  So I had him do that yesterday morning.  He is scheduled for his semen specimen collection tomorrow at 11am.  The eggs will be thawed tomorrow and fertilization will happen.  We will get a fertilization report on Saturday with the number of eggs thawed and the number of eggs fertilized.  On day three, which is Monday, we will get a call about the number of embryos remaining and the transfer details for Wednesday.  I made sure that on the lab order it says to thaw ten eggs and transfer one blastocyst on day five.  I also made sure that the lab order in the system said my donor’s name and number.  It’s never too much trouble to double and triple check.

Today is our last dose of Lup.ron.  I hope I will not have to do another Lup.ron injection again until the transfer for baby number two.  Tomorrow we’ll start our progesterone in oil injections.  Yup.  PIO is finally starting.  Somehow I have never gone to the injection class that U.CSF puts together, mostly because I knew how to do my subcutaneous injection, so my own nurse never told me to do one.  The in-cycle nurse went over a bunch of instructions with me.  Basically to relax the muscles for the injection.  She told me the correct areas to inject.  I requested for her to draw the areas for me which she did later.  The key, she said, is to jab the needle in quickly, pull out the plunger for a little, then slowly inject the liquid in.  She told me to do it between 7 to 11pm, massage the area afterwards, and walk around if I can.  I am quite sure Bob and I will have a fantastic time doing this.  The dosage is 1/2cc for two days, 1cc for two days, the 1 1/2 cc for the rest of the first trimester.  The nurse said I could do it lying down or standing up.  She also showed me how to do it myself, by leaning the non-injection side of my body on the wall to relax the injection side, jab, and inject slowly.  I am not going to tell Bob just yet that he may not have to inject for me.  I will prefer for him to do it for me so let’s hope that it will go well.

I am to switch out my old estrogen patches with three new patches tomorrow.  Three days after that, I’ll replace them with two new patches and continue that every three days until I am told to stop.  The nurse told me to talk to my own nurse about refills for these meds.  I told her that hopefully if I get pregnant, my OB/GYN will order them for me so it will be covered under my insurance.

I am to start steroids tomorrow and continue my prenatal vitamins.  The in-cycle nurse instructed me to tell Bob to take his Cip.ro.  I told her that since Bob usually would get a stomach problem from the Cip.ro, Dr. No Nonsense gave an Okay for him not to take it. She told me to make sure with my nurse about it.  (I later forgot to ask my nurse after I left so I had to go back to the clinic and wait for her to meet with me again.  She remembered this whole thing about Bob not taking the meds so she didn’t order it for him.)

On the day of the transfer, my acupuncturist will do pre- and post-transfer session with me at the clinic.  Apparently we get a transfer room where we will do the acupuncture session there, stay there for the transfer, and stay there for another session.  Sounds like a nice set up.  I will notify the clinic ahead of time when I get the day 3 fertilization report.  I remember that I will take a Val.ium one hour prior to the transfer, but I totally forgot that I will need to have a full bladder.  The memory is slowly coming back about how a transfer works.

First beta will be on December 7th, 12 days after our day 5 transfer.  I think it’s torture that my clinic makes people wait for so many days before beta test can be done.  I am known for not testing ahead of time, so we’ll all be guessing together.  Plus I am sure progesterone is going to make me feel pregnant and tired.  It will probably be some very difficult two weeks to wait.  I have yet to decide whether to go to Kai.ser, my own insurance, or to go to U.CSF.  Kai.ser does ASAP instead of STAT.  So really, who knows how quickly ASAP is.  My nurse said that I may find the test result online sooner than she does.  If I go before 9am, there is a 50/50 chance that she could find out the result before 6pm.  I don’t know if I can last all day without knowing the results.  So the choice is to pay for the test at U.CSF and get the results sooner, or go to Kai.ser for free but potentially have to wait longer.  I am still undecided.

After the in-cycle nurse drew the cycles on my lower back, my own nurse came in to go over the consent form with me.  It was very nice to see her.  When I brought up Dr. NN not being able to do my transfer for me, her reaction cracked me up.  She was like, “I know!  When he told me, I was like What the heck?”  HAHA!  Yeah he can’t do it for me because he is going out of town before Thanksgiving.  I am fine either way.  My uterus is a straight forward organ so I am sure the other doctor is fine.  We went over the consent form and we were done!  When we said good bye, she told me that she’d talk to me in three weeks.  I just looked.  It’s more like 2.5 weeks.  In 2.5 weeks, we’ll find out if we are pregnant in 2015.

Bob is very excited.  When I wrote him a text, he said, “Praise the Lord!  Let’s do it.”  I love that!  All the glory and honor go to the Lord.

So here we are!  After so many years, this is the best chance that we have for a baby.  I am very grateful for getting this close.  I have been praying for the perfect number of embryos to complete our family.  Whatever that number is, I will be happy.  So please pray that the eggs thaw well, fertilize well, and we’ll have the perfect number of embryos waiting for us.

Like what Bob said, Let’s do it!

Counting Down to Lining Check

My lining check is coming up soon.  This coming Thursday in the afternoon we’ll know if the lining is thick enough and trilaminar for us to thaw the eggs on Friday to fertilize them.

How have I been feeling?  Amazingly well.  Still calm.  Not anxious.  Carrying on my life like usual and taking it one day at a time.  My daily prayer has been to be anxiety free and calm and to depend on God fully.  I pray that God continues to carry me through.

I may feel differently come tomorrow or Thursday.  But I will just focus on the present and am very thankful that I am not more nervous than I am.

I have been on my Lup.ron shots daily.  That tiny little vial seems to be lasting forever.  I hope it does the very important job of making my ovaries quiet.

Today I still have my two estrogen patches on my tummy.  Tomorrow morning I will replace them with four new patches.  Has anyone ever had trouble finding the right place for these patches?  For my first patch, I just put it somewhere below my belly button.  What I found out was that its placement was right where my jeans’ waistband was.  I found myself constantly checking to make sure that the patch was still there.  The instructions also say to avoid putting the new patch on the same area as before.  The second time around, I placed the new patch lower, which made it easier to avoid rubbing.  But it became a little bit tricker to place two patches and to avoid the previous areas as well as to make sure that they are between the panty and my pants’ waistband.  I can only imagine how fun it will be to constantly have to find room for four patches.

It feels kind of funny not feeling or knowing what is going on inside my uterus.  I naturally want to help the lining in any way I can.  But I just don’t know if it needs help or not.  One thing I was planning on doing was to do castor oil pack thinking that it would help with the blood flow.  I was waiting to start it after my bleeding was totally gone.  One lady on a FB DE group told me to be careful about it as she used it only to get rid of ovarian cysts.  Another lady told me that she used it for days before her transfer.  I wasn’t really sure who to listen to.  Luckily, my Mayan massage person who is currently on maternity leave returned my email just in time.  She said that castor oil is quite moving and is not the best of growing a lining.  She told me to avoid it.  Good thing I wrote her as I was about to start the pack that same night.  She told me that self care (a massage that I can do myself on my stomach area) is good for lining growth and can be done up to transfer.  I tried it once, but abandoned the idea because the oil that I applied to my stomach and the movement of the massage actually created air bubbles in my estrogen patches.  It was hard to avoid touching the patches as where they were was the exact same area I needed to massage.  It would be a bummer for these patches that cost $10 each to fall off my stomach.  Instead of doing self care massages, I have been applying a hot water heat pad on my belly area for 20 minutes a night.  After I am done, I pass it onto Bob who also places it on his stomach as he says “To keep my uterus warm”.  Instead of sympathetic pregnancy, this is sympathetic lining growth. Haha.

What other things have I been doing to help my blood flowing and to help myself keep warm in order to grow my lining?  I finally contacted an acupuncturist to get a few sessions in.  My original acupuncturist moved across the bay, so I can no longer go to her.  My Mayan massage therapist, who is also an acupuncturist, is about to give birth to her second baby.  I was in need of an acupuncturist.  At first I just wanted one for pre and post transfer.  A friend of mine gave me a name of an acupuncturist who did the pre and post transfer sessions onsite for one of her friends who got pregnant with donor eggs after a day-three transfer of two embryos.  The pricing is reasonable for an onsite session at the clinic.   I texted the acupuncturist who promptly returned my texts.  She is available for my intended transfer day.  When I thought more about it, I knew that I wanted some acupuncture support for the lining growth as well.  I like that she has a practice 15 minutes away from work and from home.  It’s basically half way between my work and my house.  She is available after work unlike some other acupuncturist who has no availability for a couple of weeks.  I went to my first session last Friday.  My impression was that she is not as knowledgeable as my other acupuncturist, but she is good enough.  She didn’t seem to immediately grasp the idea of donor eggs or frozen donor eggs, but she does see patients with fertility issues.  She also told me that castor oil pack should be okay, although later I learned that it wasn’t.  She took her time in feeling my pulse and applying the needles.  She also did moxa on my belly area.  All in all, it was a pretty good session.  The interesting thing was that the stomach area where she had applied needles and moxa bruised up and felt hard the next two days.  I wasn’t alarmed.  I was more puzzled why it happened.  The acupuncturist sent me an email to check in on me so I told her about it.  I had another session today.  She explained to me that it was probably a blood vessel that was nicked by the needles.  She said that it was definitely not because of the moxa.

One thing that she recommended, which I used to do, is to drink bone broth. I still had three pieces of marrow bones in the freezer from a while ago that I had been too lazy to deal with.  Bone broth is good for my body type and helps with keeping me warm.  I made a whole pot and so far had finished half of it.  I love bone marrow and consider it a treat.

It has been colder here recently.  (I know Maddie would laugh at me for saying that it’s cold here.)  I have been doing a good job keeping myself warm.  Bob keeps the heat on.  I have been wearing socks and wearing layers.  Since I don’t want to exert myself too much during these two weeks, I haven’t been going to fitness bootcamp.  In order to keep my blood flowing, I have been taking a walk for 20 to 25 minutes after eating lunch.  I choose to go up hill and sweat a little.  I find it a much better way to spend lunch than listening to pregnant ladies and new moms talk about breast feeding, labor, and other things that I cannot chime in yet.

Oh!  Bob and I finally signed the consent form for this upcoming cycle.  The 31-page consent goes over everything from frozen eggs to ICSI to the favorable number of embryos to transfer.  It also talks about the risks of pregnancies from IVF and the potential complications of pregnancies with multiples.  And then there is this whole section about freezing the embryos and what to do with the embryos if there is death, separation, or other things going on in our marriage.  Some heavy duty stuff.  Bob won’t be there with me at the lining check so we had to notarize his signatures.  Originally I thought about going to our church administrative assistant who is a notary public, but I didn’t want her to know what we are doing.  Thanks to my friend Jane who reminded me that getting signatures notarized is inexpensive at UPS.  That was exactly what we did over the weekend.

So this is it for all the things that I am doing to get ready for the lining check.  My nurse just emailed me today to let me know that Dr. No Nonsense, my RE, won’t be there to personally do the transfer on November 25.  Another RE, who happens to be one of my friends’ RE, is going to do it.  It’s a bummer but I am not overly sad.  I believe that I will be in good hands.

Two more days before the lining check!  Think thick, fluffy, and cushy!

Follow-Up Meeting with Dr. No Nonsense re: Frozen Eggs

The last time we saw Dr. No Nonsense, my RE, was July 27th.  We naively thought that since we picked a donor, everything would go according to plan.  That meeting was 2.5 months ago.  How things changed in 2.5 months.

When my nurse scheduled this follow-up appointment for me, I double-checked with her and later on with my billing person at my clinic that we would NOT be billed again for the visit as we had already paid for it back in July.  It’s better to be safe about these things and it doesn’t hurt to make sure so we won’t get any surprises.

Before the appointment, I had the hardest time coming up with questions.  I just felt that since we don’t have to stimulate anyone’s ovaries, it seems pretty straight forward.  I enlisted help from several friends and came up with a list of questions just this afternoon.  I figure that we don’t get a lot of face-to-face time with Dr. NN, so why not make good use of this time to ask him questions.

Bob worked from home so he could come join me for the 4pm appointment at the clinic.  The new clinic apparently has three different waiting areas so we were told to go sit in one of them.  Time kept ticking and there was no Dr. NN.  I only fed the meter until 5:12 and was hoping that he wouldn’t be too delayed.  A nurse walked by and asked if we were waiting for someone.  I told her that we had an appointment at 4pm with Dr. NN, to which she appeared confused and asked if it was a phone appointment instead.  I was more confused than she was.  She looked up and saw Dr. NN. He ensured her that we were his patients.  He greeted us warmly and told us on the way to his office that the nurse had squeezed us in between two other patients.

In his office, Dr. NN checked on the donor’s profile and history for a few minutes, got a piece of paper, and started his show and tell.  Here is what he scribbled:

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Basically, he thinks that with 10 eggs, we should expect 9 to thaw, and 8 to fertilize.  We will transfer on day five.  He believes that in addition to the transfer, we should have embryos to freeze.  He said that it’s realistic to think that we may have three blastocysts to result from this batch of eggs.  He thinks that 10 eggs is a good number for a batch of frozen eggs rather than a batch of 6 or 7 eggs.

I asked him about the difference between frozen and fresh eggs in terms of quality of the embryos.  He said that there should not be any difference, but because a fresh cycle gives you many more eggs to work with, there is bound to be an embryo with AA quality.  For a frozen egg cycle, because the batch has fewer eggs, there could be  embryos anywhere between AA to BB, etc.  He said that right now it is really hard and unfair to compare frozen eggs vs. fresh eggs.  I should just look at the frozen eggs that I have and go from there.  I asked him how they determine which embryo to transfer, he said the best looking one.  I asked if blastocyst rate has to do with sperm or eggs.  He thinks that it doesn’t really have much to do with the sperm.  He explained that this is not exact science though.  They have seen that with the same donor, the blastocyst rate could go from 50% in one cycle, to 30% in the next, to 60% in the following one, then down to 18% in the fourth one.  So really, no one knows.

There is an over 50% of pregnancy rate with transferring one blastocyst.  With fresh, he used to tell me 70%.  But I didn’t ask him about this.  I think at this point, it doesn’t matter.  I just want to transfer and see what happens since we have already chosen frozen eggs at this point.  Anyhow, with twins, there is 10% higher pregnancy rate, but it also means that I could end up with twins.  I asked him what he would recommend.  He said he always goes with one blastocyst as he always aims at a healthy singleton pregnancy.  I asked him in what situations would he recommend transferring two embryos.  He said with donor eggs, he would still go with one.

I asked Bob what he thought, and he did not say much.  I know that he has always wanted to transfer two and be really done with this process.  I don’t think he has thought much about the complications that could be associated with a twin pregnancy.  Plus I really don’t want the embryos to split, which could happen 5% of the time.  However, I brought up this topic again later on because I wanted to make sure that Bob also has a voice in this.  At first he was resistant and said that we didn’t have to talk about it then.  Dr. NN asked why not.  We should talk about it and make a decision.  So we did.  I told Dr. NN to explain to us why he would strive for a singleton pregnancy for his patients.  He said that twin pregnancies have a higher chance of complications and preterm labor.  If he could control it, he would recommend transferring one.  I asked Bob why he wanted to transfer two.  He said that he just wanted us to be pregnant.  And Dr. NN said, yeah I get it, you just want to have a baby.  He told us to go home, talk about it, and let my nurse know.  Bob told him to put down one embryo right now as a place holder.

As for immune protocol, I don’t think Dr. NN believes in it.  He said that for me, there is no indication of that.  I asked about aspirin.  He said that they used to prescribe aspirin to people, until there was a large-scale study that came out that showed that people on it had a higher miscarriage rate.  To him, my problem has always been egg quality.  I know that people who believe in immune protocol may disagree with him.  But he is my doctor and I have to put my trust in him.  As for hCG infusion and endometrial scratches, he thinks that those are indicated for people with multiple failed transfers and need to try other things to make it work.  He does not think that I should worry about doing those.  I asked him what the steroid in my protocol does, and he said that it could suppress any inflammation in my body.  Historically it has been prescribed at this clinic so that’s why it’s there.

I asked Dr. NN to explain to me how this medicated transfer cycle works.  He scribbled on the back of the paper:

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I am already on birth control pills.  I will start Lupron which is to suppress my ovaries.  Then when my withdrawal bleeding comes, I will start my estrogen patches.  Then progesterone should start.  He told me that I can start Lupron any time I want to.  I just have to work with my nurse to figure out the calendar.  He said that we have a say in which day we want to transfer.  Say if we want to transfer on Thanksgiving, then we would work the calendar backwards to see when we will start what.  Honestly, I still don’t understand how we can control the calendar that way.  But it seems like I don’t have to know.  I just have to trust that they know what they are doing.  I was laughing when he said Thanksgiving, because really, do people choose to transfer on Thanksgiving?

There is nothing much I need to do besides to check on the lining.  With a medicated cycle, it’s very likely that the lining will be fine, although sometimes the lining might fail to grow well.  Bob laughed and said that his job is easy.  Just to give a sample and be done.  I was joking with Dr. NN that hopefully this time the room to give a sample would be a little more well stocked.  Last time there was nothing except a DVD and Bob had to rely on his phone to finish the job.  Dr. NN kept on typing away with his eyes on the screen.  But he was laughing and said that the room now has everything and things are streamed (?) so there should not be any problems.  Bob said he’d find out soon.  And I said that I hope he only has to enjoy that well stocked room only once as we are done with this process.  I really don’t want him to have to come back in the future for any more samples.  Bob said that he started to feel hopeful, but still, there is no guarantee.  I am happy that he is starting to feel hopeful again because he has been down about this process for a while now.

At the end of the visit, Dr. NN walked us out of the room and shook our hands.  He said that my nurse would be in touch and we could figure out the timeline.  He told me to let my nurse know that he would like to do the transfer so find a day that he is free to do so.  I was a bit touched that he wanted to do the transfer.

So friends, looks like we will be doing a transfer some time in November.  I will contact my nurse to create a calendar.  I got price quotes for the meds that we need and hopefully will order them next week.  Things are getting real.  I am feeling alright.  Some days I feel very hopeful.  Other days I feel that it’s hard to believe that it could work.  So I maintain my attitude of taking it one day at a time, and pray whenever I feel anxious.  I also tell myself that I am doing everything to make this happen.  The rest is out of my control.

Hopefully this is it!

Count Down

I woke up with a huge headache at 5am. It could have been the saltiness from the Chinese food last night, or from the inexpensive yet yummy Riesling that I drank (the first glass in a long time).  Bob woke up too and went and got some painkillers for me with a big glass of water. I downed both and went to the bathroom. I had an intuition about what was going to come, and I was right.  Blood! Aunt Flow has arrived! For real. Exactly one month after my last breakthrough bleeding. I’m glad my body decides to do its job. Thank you body. Sitting there, I checked the calendar to see when transfer may happen. Some time mid-November. How do I feel? I think my will power is weaker when it’s way too early in the morning.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions. I’m very excited that we will have a chance to transfer after thinking that a transfer was not possible this year with our previous donor’s disappearance. I truly believe that it’s very likely for us to have a chance to make a couple of good blastocysts without fearing that our donor would bail. At the same time, I’m scared to death that this is all for nothing, that we’d have to go back to square one like usual after our transfers. I do think that I’m more excited than scared. I feel fortunate that we have a chance and I think there’s a good chance that it will work. Things could go either way. And I will try my very best to focus on the potentially good outcome and not the alternative. Tomorrow I’ll go back on birth control pills. I received the donor consent letters from the coordinator on Friday.  We are to sign it and pay a deposit to secure those eggs before next Friday.  And the consent stipulates that we finish the cycle within three months.  I still have a couple of questions about the guarantee program. After that we’ll sign and pay up.  Things are moving forward. Let the count down begin!