Yesterday my heart broke into thousand pieces. I need this recap for my own sake.
The following happened:
- I prayed constantly from the second of the first beta results to the time I arrived at the lab for the second beta.
- The two days leading to the second beta, I told Clay and Eli that I loved them and that I really wanted to see them and hold them in my arms.
- I woke up very early in the morning, couldn’t go back to sleep, and visualized a black curly haired little baby crying so hard because somebody woke her up.
- I had great distraction in the morning from my morning appointments. Nervousness consumed me from noon on. I imagined two different versions of report from Dr. E: Yay Isabelle the beta more than doubled, or I’m so sorry that this is not what we had hoped for. I wavered between the two.
- I had a whole village of ladies (and gents) waiting anxiously with us for the results. We were on Facebook and they were there waiting with me. Many of them couldn’t focus on work or whatever they were doing. They were all rooting for us and anticipating great results.
- Dr. E didn’t call until 12:48. From her voice, I knew. She said, the results are not what we had hoped for (exactly how I envisioned the conversation would go). The beta level only went up two units. We would want to see it double at this point. She said that I had a choice of stopping all the meds at that point and just let my period come. Some people choose to continue the meds until Friday, or Monday, or whatever time frame just to see. She said that either way, she’d support me 100%.
- At that point, I started bawling. I said that I would want to stop the meds if the pregnancy is not viable. I asked her why is it so tough? Of course there is not an answer to that question. She said that my period should come in a week. Then we’ll talk again. She said, I’m so sorry….
- I called Bob and couldn’t even talk. That kind of cry that I was doing…. I don’t remember myself crying like that in my life. Like what Elisha said…. that it feels like your gut has been punched and the wind has been knocked out of you. That was exactly how it felt. Poor Bob, he wasn’t feeling any better but he couldn’t come home early because he had a presentation to do at 4:45. I was howling so loudly in my office that I am sure someone must have heard my cry even with my closed door. I just couldn’t stay there at work, but I also couldn’t call the front desk staff to ask them to cancel the appointment. I didn’t think I was going to be coherent. So I went to my next door colleague’s office. She is in the know… but I hadn’t shared with her about the first beta results. She listened to me, hugged me, rubbed my back, called the front desk, kissed my head and told me to go home.
- I’m grateful for my job that I could just take off like that.
- I was crying from my office to the elevator to the parking garage to the car all the way to Ocean Beach. I didn’t want to go home because I didn’t want to see my mom yet. I know my mom so well that she would tell me NOT to cry. The last thing I wanted someone to do is for them to tell me NOT to grieve and mourn the way I needed to. I drove straight to Ocean Beach.
- At first I sat in the car and continued howling. Later I dragged one of the beach chairs we had in the trunk and went to the beach itself. I sat there crying and being crazy and was all by myself in front of the water. The sky was so bright and the water was so beautiful. It was the saddest place on earth at that moment.
- That was the perfect place to be for a moment like that. I sat there for two hours. I texted my sister-in-law and knew that I could go over to her place later when she got home.
- At one point, the wind had picked up and it was very cold. I had to go back to the car to get my jacket and a blanket. Then I sat there in the beach chair for some more until I finally felt hungry. I could not get the stupid beach chair to fold again… Imagine me with tears streaming down my cheeks, I dragged the blanket, the water, the purse, and the unfolded beach chair in the sand back to the parking lot. What a sight….
- In the parking lot, a dad was putting a helmet on his little girl before he rode away in his bike… Tears streaming down my face again.
- I went to a nearby cafe to get a cup of caramel latte (the first coffee in a few weeks) and a sandwich. While sitting at the entrance eating, a dad walked in with a toddler. Then the mom walked in, with a big belly. Didn’t want to see them. My SIL texted me at that moment. Perfect timing.
- I arrived at SIL’s house. Again bawling….. She listened to me, teared up with me, then prayed over me. I had a pounding headache from all the crying. She had me lie down on her bed, placed a blanket over me, and tucked me in. Then she sat behind me and rubbed my back for a good half an hour while I took a nap. That was the best comfort I could ever imagine when my husband was stuck at work. It was so sweet to have her around, loving me, and just being there with me quietly while I was resting, trying to heal, and just being in the moment.
- When I woke up from the nap, the headache was gone. It was 6:40 and I knew that Bob was trying to rush home. I checked my phone and saw all the comments from you ladies. Your loving kindness really helped make the situation better. Bob was trying to call me at 5:50. So I packed up, gave my SIL a tight hug, and drove home.
- Of course I had to cry again when I saw my mother. I explained to her what had happened. She teared up, hugged me, and told me not to cry. I knew that it was a wise decision to go somewhere other than home… I really didn’t need her to tell me anything.
- Bob had ordered my Valentine’s day gift and it happened to have arrived yesterday:
- They go with my “Hope” pendant. Very fitting as I need faith, hope, and love at this moment.
- Bob came home with a smile on his face and a big giant hug. It was so nice to have him by my side. He managed to make me laugh a few times yesterday. We went out for dinner.
- He said that the most important thing right now is our marriage. We will have our baby. That’s his faith.
- I am very thankful that despite all the things that happened yesterday, I still had a good night sleep. I woke up this morning with peace in my heart. I teared up a few times but in general I am doing well.
- I thought about what my friend M said yesterday in her comment. I take back whatever I said yesterday that “I would rather not get pregnant than to have it taken away from me”. This is my path. I treasured those embryos and dearly loved them and still do. They are our first children. They fought hard for life. Although they didn’t make it to this world, I was grateful that they were inside me and tried hard. I am also glad that I did POAS and got my two lines.
- I emailed Dr. E about the embryos. She said that
“The embryo has likely detached and is no longer in existence.
Imagine a drop of water in the sun.
It evaporates in a way.
It isn’t hurt or anything like that.”
- Today I fly to San Diego for a Bible conference for three days. So I won’t be back until Sunday. This is a welcome distraction as well as a chance to focus on God and the Bible.
- I love all of you and thank you for being there for me at this time of heart break, grief, and healing. I will see you all when I come back on Sunday.